Chapter Five: "You're My Person."
"We'll call each other at least twice a month… and we'll text all the time."
"You hate texting." Meredith argued as she eyed Christina.
"Text me!" Christina ordered, "And don't let Owen get all dark and twisty. Take care of him… and Alex, take care of Alex. He needs to be mocked at least once a day or he'll be insufferable. Don't get on any little tiny planes that can crash, or stick your hand in a body cavity that has a bomb in it, or offer your life to a gunman. Don't do that. Be a hero. You're my person. I need you alive. You make me brave."
Meredith was lying on the hardwood floor of her bedroom. She watched the ceiling fan spin, occasionally isolating an individual blade with her eyes and watching it rotate again, and again. It was mundane, but it entertained her. She became so engrossed in staring at the ceiling fan that she almost forgot there was a body lying next to her. She was enjoying the silence.
"Can you please just eat?" Christina Yang asked, "What do I have to do to convince you to eat?"
Meredith pulled her eyes from the fan blades and rotated her head towards Christina.
"You're a doctor Meredith." Christina sighed as she searched Meredith's eyes, "You know how bad it is to go days without food. Your body needs you to eat."
"But I'm not hungry." Meredith stated flatly, "And I had waffles with Derek this morning."
Christina sat up and ran frustrated hands through her curly hair, "Well its way passed lunch… It's time to eat again. Plus we just danced it out. Surely you're hungry after all that physical exertion."
"I said I'm not hungry." Meredith argued, but a hint of a smile lay hidden in her eyes. They had danced it out. It had been too long. 'Or maybe it hadn't.' Meredith thought. She couldn't really remember. Either way, she enjoyed when Christina came to dance it out and lay on the floor in silence. It made her feel less alone in the world.
"If Derek were here you would eat for him." Christina pointed out.
Meredith shrugged and let her eyes resume their focus on the ceiling fan. She was tired today.
Christina swallowed hard as she watched Meredith lying on the floor. She cursed the disease that was claiming her friend. She hardly knew her anymore. She appeared fragile and distant. She tried to look at it from a clinical view, but her emotional attachment made it impossible. Christina didn't feel brave anymore. She felt terrified. She was horrified of the day that Meredith looked at her with no recognition.
"He's not coming back…" Christina blurted out, "Derek isn't coming."
Meredith's eyes darted back to Christina's face and in a defensive tone she spoke, "Why would you say that?"
"Because he isn't. He's not coming Meredith." Christina was almost in tears from the driving force of frustration, fear, and grief over her best friend's condition, "Derek is dead!"
"Christina." Meredith's voice caught in her throat as she stood up quickly and glared, "Take that back. Take it back right now."
Christina shook her head slowly, "I can't. I would never lie to you."
"Derek." Meredith fought for control over the wave of emotions that bombarded her, "DEREK! IS… NOT. DEAD."
Christina turned her back to Meredith. She could hear Meredith's feet shuffle as she begin to pace. She'd agitated her. She'd made a mistake.
"You operated on him Christina. You saved his life." Meredith reminded her, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you ever say that to me?!"
"He didn't die from the gunshot wound." Christina soothed, "There was an accident."
"Yeah." Meredith almost screamed, "A plane crash?! I was there. He survived. I'm sorry if that disappoints you Christina, but he didn't die in the accident. Mark died! Lexie died! Derek did NOT die."
Meredith could barely breathe. She paced quickly as her brain searched at warp speed for a file as terrible as the one Christina described. Her heart was racing and her chest felt tight. Emotions caught in her throat as she fought the urge to strangle Christina. Instead she found herself in an on call room with her. They were each sitting on beds on opposite sides of the room.
"I can't stop seeing Derek. It's not about the sex. It's not… about the sex. It's about that moment afterward when the world stops. It just feels so safe... I'm not ready to give that up."
Meredith tried to fight the panic. She wanted the world to stop. She needed control. She'd give anything to just make it stop. She needed to be safe. She was dying to be in his arms. Safe. She shook her head.
"I'm not ready to give that up."
"I would remember if my husband was dead." Meredith spat, "Derek Shepherd is not dead. He is my husband and we have children… And a post it… and our dream house. Why aren't you in Switzerland?!"
Christina closed her eyes as Meredith's words cut her deep, "I'm sorry Meredith."
"Yeah? Well… you should be." Meredith was crying now, "Just shut up Christina. Just... freaking shut up! Do not talk to me about my husband ever again."
"I'm being insensitive." Christina whispered, "And selfish... And I'm sorry. I just want you to eat something. The nurses are worried about you. I am worried about you…. And Derek would be too."
"Stop talking about him in past tense." Meredith ordered. She left her room for the living room bay window. She needed distance between her, Christina, and the words Christina said to her. Christina's words felt like daggers twisting slowly into the muscles of her abdomen. Her eyes searched the bay for ferryboats. She needed a ferryboat. She wanted peace. She needed to feel safe, but her memory betrayed her.
Derek was lying on the floor. Blood. There was so much blood. Her shaking hands were instinctively drawn to the hole in his chest. She applied pressure as she sobbed.
"I love you, please don't die." Meredith begged.
"Get out of here Meredith… before… he shoots you too." Derek struggled to breathe through the pain.
"Do. NOT. DIE." Meredith screamed, "Do you understand? I can't live without you. You die. I die."
Christina was there. Everything was a blur except the blood. So much blood. She tried to press harder. She willed the blood to stay in his body. Christina was mumbling words. Words she couldn't make out.
"I picked you. I choose you. You don't get to die on me!" Meredith watched Derek begin to lose consciousness, "No, you stay awake! Stay awake!"
She shook his uninjured shoulder, "Derek."
He turned his head towards her. She shook him some more.
"Derek, stay awake!"
Meredith pushed away from the window and murmured, "Stay awake." No ferryboats today. The horror coursed through her veins. She had no control. Her eyes continued to display her distraught emotions as tears spilled profusely onto her cheeks. Something was wrong. She wiped at the flushed, wet, skin with angry fists.
Derek was on an operating table
"It's going to be okay." She stared down at him, trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince him. He looked pale. He was bleeding. He'd been shot.
"Kiss me," Derek whispered. She stared at him in silence, and then did as she was told. Her lips lingered.
"I'm not gonna die," Derek spoke softly as he struggled through his words, "I promise."
'He's not gonna die,' Meredith reminded herself, 'He promised.' He wasn't dead, she was certain, but she didn't remember where he was. The unknown made her pace even faster. Her heart contracted so quickly and forcefully she could feel it rattle her entire rib cage.
"Meredith." Christina spoke softly, "Please calm down, I wasn't trying to upset you. I said I was sorry."
"Where is Derek?" Meredith asked, "I need to call him."
"Meredith. You have Alzheimer's." Christina stated in a matter of fact, flat tone, "It's okay. You don't remember."
"I am not my mother." Meredith said softly.
"No," Christina agreed, "You're not your mother, but you're still suffering from her disease."
Meredith needed to find him. The urge was tearing her insides apart. She'd been here before.
"What happened?" Meredith asked. She was disoriented. They were in the woods. She didn't know where.
"The plane crashed. That's what happened." Christina said, "We were in a plane and it crashed! Plane crash."
"Where is Derek!?" Meredith screamed and her voice echoed through the trees. She turned around to face Christina, panic evident on both of their faces, "Christina where is Derek?"
"He was sucked out the side when we hit the trees, and then the back of the plane came off… It came… It came off." Christina rambled on the verge of tears.
She reached for Christina's phone that had been left on the coffee table.
"What are you doing?" Christina asked, concern evident in her voice.
Meredith didn't answer. She dialed the number she'd dialed many times before, but this time it didn't ring. This time she didn't hear Derek Shepherd answer. She didn't hear his voice. It didn't even go to Derek Shepherd's voice mail. This time the operator told Meredith the number was out of service. Meredith froze. She was sure she dialed the correct number.
"Be a hero. You're my person."
She dialed again. This time she dialed the numbers more slowly to be certain she didn't press a wrong digit by accident. The number was still out of service. Confusion overwhelmed her. 'Where is Derek?' The room spun.
"He is very dreamy… but he's not the sun. You are."
She didn't want to be the sun. Even if she was the sun, what was the point if the Earth didn't rotate around it? 'Where was Derek?' She didn't want to be a hero. She wanted Derek. She wanted to remember. She needed to feel safe. 'Why was his number out of service?'
"Be a hero. You're my person."
Meredith locked eyes with Christina as defeat took over. She was lost. The room began to spin again and she felt her stomach drop to the floor in a daze. She stared blankly at Christina before dropping the cell phone and falling into the coffee table unconscious.