September 25…1100

I spent the night in the hospital with Stephanie. Lula forced Tank to go home to sleep for a few hours when Les got here and took over standing guard. I'm pretty sure he was told not to let me bolt, but I wasn't going anywhere.

I had a lot of time to think, since I couldn't sleep. The main thing I figured out was that I was being an asshole. I was pissed at myself for my moment of weakness. I made promises to her. Ones I planned to keep. I wasn't going to shut her out anymore, I wasn't going to walk away, I wasn't going to send her off to someone else, but most importantly, I wasn't going to hurt her.

I know walking away last night would have hurt her more than anything else I could have done. I google searched some things about rape victims and read that a lot of them blamed themselves for what happened. They also have problems with trust. I felt like a jerk. Stephanie had worked so hard to open up to me, to trust me completely, and I nearly destroyed that. I don't know if she'd be able to trust anyone again had I gone through with leaving.

She needed me to stand by her and tell her that it wasn't her fault. She had to know she wasn't alone. She had to know I didn't blame her for this. She needed me to be strong for her. There was no room for me to break and fall apart. I had to be the rock.

After she finished her breakfast Ben came in to talk to her again. She wasn't as angry today, but she was quiet. She hadn't spoken to me at all at that point. Lester stepped out of the room and I asked if she wanted me to go also, but she shook her head and muttered that I may as well stay, I read the note. That made me feel guilty, but I shrugged it off. I knew she still had anger in there to burn and if it was directed at me instead of herself, so be it.

Ben sat down and asked her if she remembered the dreams she'd been having. She nodded her head yes. He asked if she could talk about it or if it was too scary. She shrugged, but spoke almost immediately. "It's not too scary when I'm awake. I'm always trapped in a trunk. I'm always pulled out by someone trying to kill me. The killer always differs." I wasn't sure what to make of that. "Since getting tossed off that bridge it had been Uncle Sonny's goons pulling me from the trunk. I'd get thrown over the bridge and then Ranger was there, saving me."

Ben asked her if that was what actually happened on that bridge. She nodded yes. "It changes when I get pulled out of the water though. I'm always fine, but Ranger…" I didn't know what to think. I never imagined she was worried about my safety.

"Ranger is hurt?" Ben asked. She nodded yes and sniffled a little. "Is he killed?" She nodded yes again. "Does he drown?" She shook her head no.

"He's shot," she whispered. "Just like that night."

Ben glanced at me and I nodded. He knew the night she was speaking about. I'd had therapy sessions myself after that one. "Do you feel like he was injured because of you that night?" he asked her.

She started to cry and shook her head yes. "I should have stopped him sooner. I had so many opportunities and I ruined them all."

Ben took her hand and patted it. "It is not your fault, Stephanie. None of it was. He took you, kept you against your will, and threatened a child to keep you in line." She nodded her head, the tears still spilling down her face. "Nothing he did was your fault."

"The last few dreams were different. I woke up when he was touching me," she murmured. "His hands were on me and I couldn't stop him." God. I didn't want to hear anymore, but I knew I couldn't miss it either. Then she whispered, "He took my clothes off and put his fingers inside me. He found the tracker I had hidden."

I clenched my fists, letting my fingernails dig into my hands, and closed my eyes. Ben asked if the dream was a memory. She nodded yes again, but said she thought so. Then she said that she was stunned again and he must have placed her into his car. When she woke she was wearing different clothes and didn't remember the trip. She said she felt dirty and sticky down there, like she'd had unprotected sex at some point, but she doesn't remember it.

I wondered if her mind was blocking it or if she was unconscious, either way everyone in that room knew it had happened. Ben patted her hand again and told her that he'd like her to work with a councilor that specializes in sexual assault cases. He also recommended that she sit in on a group session the next day. He thought it would help her feel less alone in all this.

She nodded and asked when she could go home. He told her he'd like her to stay another day, but she was free to go if she liked to. She told him that she'd think about it, which surprised the shit out of me. She'd been dead set on getting out last night.

Ben spoke with her for a while, then he thanked her for sharing with him. She just nodded and closed her eyes. I knew he'd want to talk to me today, but I wanted to sit with her a little longer. I gave him a look and he seemed to understand.

Finally we were alone.

She didn't open her eyes, but she turned her head toward me and told me that I could go if I wanted to, but I told her that I wasn't going anywhere. Then she said I could save my pity.

Pity? Was that what I was feeling? I didn't think so. I was angry, and hurt, and completely ashamed of myself for not having seen this before. But I didn't feel pity.

I crawled onto her bed and took her hand. I told her that I didn't pity her. I was in awe of how brave she was. She tried to pull away from me, but I didn't let her. I told her that I loved her. She shook her head and looked at me sadly. Then she asked if I thought she was disgusting. Disgusting? I couldn't believe she would ask that. I told her no, I thought she was beautiful and sexy, just like I always had.

She just shook her head and told me that she was so ashamed that she let this happen. She didn't want to disappoint me like this. She wanted to be good enough for me. God that hurt. I assured her that I'd never be disappointed in her. She was my entire world. I told her that I was sorry that it happened to her and I was sorry I couldn't change that, then I told her she was everything good in my life and nothing would change that. I loved her, forever, and Scrog wasn't going to take that away from us.

She snuggled into me then and she shook her head. She asked me if I could take her home. She wanted her own bed tonight. So I kissed her lips and told her yes.

Tank and Lula were back out in the hall when I went outside. Lula went in with Steph and Tank grabbed me and hugged me. Of all the dumb shit he does, hugging has to be the worst. The big ox makes me feel like a child. It's disconcerting.

He let go, but kept an arm around my shoulder as he walked me down the hall. "How you doing?" he asked me in a concerned voice. Of course, Tank knew me, he knew my unstable behavior better than anyone. He had every right to be concerned.

I told him I was better than I was last night, which wasn't a lie. The initial shock had worn off now. He told me to talk it out with Ben and whenever I wanted him, he'd be ready take a beating. I agreed with a nod, even though I was wondering if Lula would sit with Steph while I took him up on that. I really did feel like I needed to hit something, badly.

Ben's hospital office was a lot different than his private office. It wasn't as comfortable, but I supposed most of his patients here had their own rooms. We were at the Princeton House Behavior Health Center in Princeton. There was no way I was taking her to St. Francis in her condition yesterday. I couldn't let this become a topic of gossip. She'd hate that.

I called Ben on the way yesterday and he met us here. One look at her and he admitted her. We hadn't had a chance to really talk since then. When I took my chair he gave me a hard look and nodded. I didn't know what he wanted me to say, so I didn't say anything. Instead he spoke. "Stop blaming yourself."

That's all he said. He just stared me down, daring me to admit that I had been blaming myself. I hated that he knew me that well. I hated that anyone did. "I can't stop," I finally said.

He shook his head and leaned back in his chair. Then he told me that if I couldn't let go of my guilt and anger that I'd never be able to let her back into my life the way I wanted her. God, I hated him for that. He asked me if I was able to focus on Steph, or if I was going to cut and run. Again, I hated him for knowing me that well.

Fortunately I'd already worked through that so I told him I was staying. Then I asked him how the fuck I was supposed to let go of something like that and move on. How was Stephanie?

He gave me a program book. It was for a women's trauma program. He said he'd like her to go to the one in Hamilton. He liked the councilor that worked with the group. It focused on teaching coping and relationship building skills, healthy ways of managing emotion, building self-esteem and self-confidence, and helping with depression and anxiety disorders. It sounded exactly like what Stephanie was struggling with. I knew he gave me the book because I was going to have to talk her into going. She didn't like taking help, or admitting she needed it. I probably had a fight on my hands, but I thought this might just be worth it. She needed this help.

Then he told me that he'd like to complete the men's program privately with me. While I didn't have the same issues as Steph, I was still dealing with trauma. He imagined that it resurfaced when she revealed what happened to her. Yeah, still not liking that he could read me that easily. But what the hell was I going to say, fuck you? No, because I knew he was right. No matter how much I hated it I knew I had to take his help, for Steph's sake.

I was in this for better or worse. She was worth it. So I did the only thing I could, I agreed to do his program.