Chapter Six: "Derek Is Dead."
Meredith could hear muffled voices. Her brain was throbbing against her skull. It was dark, but as she became more aware of her surroundings she realized it was because her eyes were closed. She struggled to open them.
"What the hell is wrong with you Christina?"
'Alex. That was Alex's voice,' Meredith thought as she struggled to gain consciousness. She could feel the tension in the room.
"She has a concussion."
'Amelia,' Meredith identified the voice immediately. She couldn't open her eyes. It was too hard. She was too tired. Her head hurt. Her stomach churned violently.
"Meredith, wake up."
'Christina,' Meredith was aware. Too aware. Everything was clear. Too clear. Her eyes fluttered open and she glanced at her surroundings. She knew this place. She'd spent far too many years in this building. She was in a bed in a patient room at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. She was in Seattle, Washington. She was in a hospital and Derek was dead.
"Derek." Meredith could barely choke out his name. Her throat felt raw and dry, "Derek is dead."
Christina reached for Meredith's shaking hands and grasped them tightly.
"Derek is dead!" Meredith screamed. Her voice cracked and she began to thrash in the hospital bed that Alex was pinning her to.
"Meredith, please breathe." Amelia ordered, "Inhale slowly. We aren't going to hurt you."
Meredith fell back into the pillows. She was tired of fighting. She was tired of suffering. The tears cascaded onto her cheeks as her mind gave her the knowledge it had been hiding from her for so long. Tears. Tears were no stranger. She was tired of crying. She cried all the time.
"Let go of me." Meredith ordered, "I'm not a wild animal. I am a person. A human being. A surgeon. A surgeon that used to work at this hospital I am being manhandled in. You three were my coworkers… fellow board members. Back off. Back the hell off. My husband is dead."
Alex loosened his grip on her shoulders, "What day is it?"
"April 23rd," Meredith whispered, "2035. Derek died exactly 20 years ago today."
The memory haunted her.
She stared at Derek's lifeless body in a cold, dark, hospital room. There was a stranger. She was a nurse. She was the one that was going to end his life. He was hooked up to machines she saw every day. As a surgeon she knew exactly what those machines were doing for his body; a body that was no longer serving him.
"Derek." Meredith whispered, "Derek. You go. We'll be fine."
'Why in the hell did it still hurt so much?' Meredith thought as she willed the memory away. 'Don't go…' Meredith begged his memory, 'We're not fine.' The memory she so desperately searched for, she wanted to disappear. The tears wouldn't stop. She felt nauseous. She pushed Christina away and almost fell out of the bed as she rushed to the bathroom. She collapsed around the toilet and dry heaved. She was so weak. She dry heaved again and again. Her stomach had nothing to offer. She hadn't eaten in days. She felt exhausted. 'Derek is dead.' She gagged. Her abdominal muscles ached after the exertion.
"She's lucid."
Meredith heard Amelia say from the other room. She felt like a lab rat. She wiped hastily at her burning cheeks. The news was two decades old, but the wound felt fresh. Derek was dead. She tried to inhale slowly, but sobs rattled through her throat. She felt Christina pull her away from the toilet and sink to the floor behind her. She leaned back into Christina's chest. She needed just a sliver of strength, but she couldn't muster any. Christina rocked her gently.
"Why?" Meredith asked, "Why do I still miss him?"
"Meredith," Christina soothed, "Shh…. It's okay. Of course you miss him. Why wouldn't you? He was your husband… the father of your children. He was a big part of your life...the love of your life…You still love him."
Meredith shook her head, "I moved on. I moved forward with my life. I had a life. I didn't freeze."
"You never dealt with this." Christina argued, "Classic Grey. It's what you do. It's what I do."
Meredith hid her face in her hands and exhaled.
"Let's be honest. You hardly had time to deal with this." Christina defended, "You raised three kids, moved to a new place, worked full time as a kick ass surgeon, won the Harper Avery, established a brilliant career, moved back, and now you have Alzheimer's."
"I miss him." Meredith whispered, "I love him. Still…. so much."
"Of course you do." Christina nodded, "Come on."
Meredith let Christina help her up from the floor. She let herself be led back into her hospital room and she stared grimly at Amelia.
"I'm so sorry," Amelia whispered, "I know it has to feel like a shock to be rudely brought back to reality this way. I'm sorry. I still miss him too."
Meredith said nothing. Everything was very clear. She heard Derek, but this time she knew he was no where near her. Derek was dead.
"If there's a crisis, you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward because you've seen worse. You've survived worse and you know we'll survive too."
He was right, she didn't freeze. She moved forward, but she wasn't sure she was really surviving. She threw herself into work and motherhood. She had no time to freeze. She had no time to be a widow. The physical pain she felt was relentless.
"Mom are you okay?"
Meredith's burning eyes found the doorway, "Ellie…."
Ellis Shepherd ran into the room, enveloping her mother in a desperate hug.
"I came as soon as I got Amelia's message." Ellis breathed into Meredith's hair, "Bailey and Zola are on their way."
"Why don't we give them a moment," Amelia suggested as she shuffled Alex and Christina out of the room, "Elle… Just a few minutes... I need to finish examining her. Don't let her go to sleep okay?"
"Okay," Ellis nodded and turned back to her mom. She surveyed her, "Mom?"
Meredith stared at her daughter. She was so young and innocent. At just 19 years old she had her entire life ahead of her. The world hadn't screwed her up yet, although she wasn't sure how. She had a mother with a screwed up brain and a dead father she never knew. Meredith stroked her daughter's blonde hair, "How are you sweet girl?"
"You're you." Ellis smiled, "I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you too." Meredith hugged her again, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this…. I'm just so sorry."
Ellis pulled away and placed her hands on either side of Meredith's face, "Don't be sorry. It's not your fault."
Meredith nodded, knowing in her heart that her daughter was right, but the feeling of failure didn't dissipate. She felt guilt. She knew what it was like to deal with a mother plagued by dementia. It was hard. It was heartbreaking. She was grateful that she had three children. It gave her a shimmer of hope and relief that none of them had to go through this alone.
"Why are you so sad?" Ellis asked softly.
Meredith shook her head slowly. She didn't want to lay a single burden on her innocent miracle child. She stared into the bright, gleaming, sparkle of her daughter's eyes. She saw Derek there. She almost burst into tears all over again.
"Mom." Ellis wiped at Meredith's cheeks with the pads of her thumbs, "You can tell me. I'm not a little girl anymore. I can take it."
"I just…" Meredith inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly in an attempt to gather her composure, "I just… Miss your daddy. That's all. I miss him all the time. I've never stopped. I can't make it stop. I have this hole… It feels like a giant hole in my chest and it hurts… It just hurts."
Ellis hugged her mom again and this time she stroked Meredith's hair and rubbed her back, "I wish I knew him. I think about him all the time. I talk to him too."
Meredith smiled, "I bet he listens. He loves you. I hope you know that. He wanted you so much."
It was Ellis' turn to cry.
"Please don't ever settle for anything." Meredith whispered, "Not anything ever. Not a career, not a house, not a guy…. nothing. If there is one thing you learn from your dad and I… please… let it be that you are good enough. You are special…. and you are so dearly loved."
"Mom, stop." Ellis begged, "Why do you sound like you're saying goodbye?"
"Because." Meredith whispered as she drank in the sight of her beautiful daughter trying to commit her face to her untrustworthy memory, "I'm not sure when I'll see you again. I never know when I'll be lucid and I just need to make sure you know."
"I know." Ellis nodded as she searched her mother's eyes, "I wish you were happy."
"I am happy." Meredith smiled gently but it didn't reach her eyes, "I have three beautiful children who are growing up to be extraordinary. I am so proud of all three of you. I had a wonderful career. I was loved. I'm happy. I worked hard… Now I get to see the payoff."
'Sort of' She thought to herself, 'If I'm lucid.'
"But you're still loved," Ellis whispered, "I'm sorry that you miss him so much."
Meredith felt a lump in her throat, "I do… but you know what? He's right here…" Meredith patted her chest where her aching heart thudded weakly beneath, "And I see him in you and your brother's eyes… Your smile. I see him all the time. Everywhere I go. I hear him… a lot. If I weren't already diagnosed as crazy, I would question my sanity."
Ellis smiled, "What does he say?"
"He's says all sorts of things." Meredith sighed and smiled as she thought of him, "He bosses me around…"
"Well someone should." Ellis giggled slightly, "You're so stubborn sometimes."
Meredith loved the sound of her daughter's laugh, "He was just as stubborn… probably more… He called ME bossy."
"What else?" Ellis asked, "Does he tell you he loves you?"
"He does." Meredith nodded her voice soft and quiet, "All the time… He had such a beautiful way with words. The memory that sticks out the most is the last one. He was leaving. He was so happy. We both were. He told me to wait for him…. but he never came back…. and I just can't…. I can't…. stop waiting for him. I know that he isn't coming back. He's gone…. but I'm still waiting. I can't make myself stop. He is my home."
Ellis squeezed her mother's hand, "Well I know deep in my heart of hearts that he is waiting for you too."
Meredith pulled Ellis close again, kissing her forehead.
It was a perfect morning. Derek was staring at her. They were in bed. Their bed. They were in their bed in their dream house. Morning sunlight spilled into the bedroom windows. She stared into his eyes.
"I want more… of this, of us, of… I wanna have more." He was smiling at her now, "Let's have more."
She laughed, eyebrows raised, not taking him seriously.
"I mean it!" Derek wore a look of pure bliss.
"You're crazy!" Meredith shook her head, smile fading.
"That's not a 'no'…" Derek pointed out.
"Another baby?" Meredith asked in disbelief.
"Sure." Derek's eyes danced with her's.
"I…Seriously?" She questioned him, thinking it was an impossible task.
"Completely serious," Derek smiled and pulled the covers away from her body.
"Like, right now?!" Meredith asked as he climbed on top of her.
They were both laughing. He was serious.
'And then came Ellis.' Meredith smiled and stroked her daughter's hair. Derek's parting gift. Their little miracle. She was grateful. She silently thanked her hostile uterus. They sat in silence, enjoying the moment and Meredith's lucidity. While her mind raced through file after file acknowledging the reality of the universe, Meredith could only focus on one thing. Derek was dead.