** Thanks for the support on the last chapter. This is so difficult for me to write. This whole story has been difficult to write. I question why I started writing it every single day. These feelings aren't made up, they're what are in my head and I can't stand it sometimes. Even nineteen years after I dealt with these things myself, I still have the lingering self-hatred and depression and I doubt that will ever go away. I hate this story so much I just want to chuck it, but I know my mind will forever keep going to this horrible place I left these characters in. I need to finish it, for me. So I'm just going to try to keep going, get them to a happy place, and try to let all this go at the end of this chapter and never revisit it in another story again. So, yes, thank you again for the support and the kind words. I will do my best to finish this up for you too, but if the updates slow, just understand I need a mental health break from this.**

September 28…11pm

Stephanie's been home with me for the last three days, but it's almost like she hasn't been here. She just seems so lost in her own thoughts. I can tell she's been thinking a lot. I could almost hear it, her gears have been turning so loudly. I want to help her work through whatever is going on in her head, but I know I have to let her have her time. She'll lean on me when she needs to and she'll speak to me when she wants to. I can't push her right now. So I'm doing what I can. I'm sitting with her, holding her, taking care of her the best I can. I kiss her and let her know that I'm here and that I'm not going anywhere.

I've even been looking for help where I never thought I'd turn again. I've been talking to God. I pray every day that she'll find some peace from all this. I pray that I'll be strong enough to stand by her side like I need to. I'm asking Him to help me find my way and to help me forgive myself so I can be what she needs me to be. I don't know if He's hearing me or not, but I keep asking. I've never asked to be forgiven before and I probably never would have, but this is for Stephanie, not me. Even if God has given up on me and won't grant me forgiveness, I know he's still looking out for her. She's too good not to be under his protection.

I've also been seeing Dr. Westin each day. He has been counseling me on how to deal with what happened to her, not only for me, but for her. She needs my support now more than ever and I'm trying to do everything I can to do for her. He's made me see how much she needs my unconditional support. He says that eventually she will need to speak to me about what happened, but until then, I need to keep doing what I have been doing, just be there for her.

Not that being there for her is easy. It's taking its toll on me too, but I try to mask my sorrow and pain from her. She doesn't need to see that. I don't want her to worry that I can't handle it or that I'm upset with her, which I'm not. I'm trying to make sense of everything.

I'm so angry too. Angry at the situation; that it had to happen to her, to us. It's just been simmering under the surface, bubbling every time I think about how I sent her off to Scrog. I told her that she couldn't be emotional, she had to focus on the goal. My goal, not hers. Julie had never been her responsibility, she was fully mine. I should have never let Stephanie do what she did for me. I don't know what I could have done differently. She had been a target too, but I could have found another way. I could have forced her to go to a safe house. I could have locked her away until Scrog was found, but I didn't. I didn't because I was selfish. I didn't want her to be angry with me for locking her up. I didn't want to be separated from her when I was feeling so vulnerable. I needed her to comfort me and love me, even then. I took and took and took from her and all I gave back was all this hurt and pain she has to deal with now. I don't know how to make things right with her.

The only thing I could do was to give her all the love and support I could now. Dr. Westin is trying to hammer into my head that I can't change the past. I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with all of my past horrors, but I'm going to try to learn to live with those memories.

I've been going to counseling for years and this has always been the desired outcome, at least Ben's desired outcome. I had been determined to keep punishing myself. I didn't think I deserved forgiveness for any of it. I still doubted I'd find it, but I was searching for it now. I want it. I need it now. Maybe it's my selfishness acting again, but I want to learn to live with myself so I can have a life with Stephanie. I don't want to lose her. I love her and I need her.

I'm doing all I can to show her that. I take her to her appointments. When I have to work, I make sure I send her little text messages that tell her I love her. Each morning I put flowers on her nightstand so she'll find them when she wakes. I'm letting her lead our relationship. I don't feel any differently about touching her, but I'm not sure what space she needs. If she wants me to touch her or kiss her, I'm all in. I feel like I need to be able to share those things with her. I don't want Scrog to take that away from us too. It already feels like he took away so much.

I'm trying to be normal, to make everything alright. I try to keep going with the routines we set up for her before her breakdown. I'm keeping her on the diet and bringing her down to exercise. I have dinner with her even if she's not eating. I put on a movie even if she isn't watching it. I hold her in bed even if she can't sleep. I want her to keep living while she's dealing with this, but it's so hard to try to pretend everything is normal. I feel so lost and defeated sometimes, which makes me so angry at myself.

I'm controlling the anger better now, but the first couple days I had a lot of trouble controlling it. I hated that anger, because I didn't want her to see that side of me. I didn't want to scare her or upset her. So I found Tank or Les and went to the gym. The physical release I got from fighting them took the edge off. It helped me stay in control of myself and my feelings. But now that my anger wasn't overwhelming me. It was replaced by this overwhelming need to know why Scrog did it and what exactly he did to her.

Dr. Westin assured me it was all part of the secondary survivor's journey. I wasn't so sure. It was my nature to try to make sense out of everything. I like facts. I like to be able to control everything. I like to know exactly what I'm dealing with. I had none of that now. I felt fucking helpless and couldn't understand what happened. I hated it. I fucking hated it.

I wanted to drive to Lewisburg, where that son of a bitch is locked up. I wanted him to look me in the face and tell me exactly what he did to Stephanie, and Julie. My mind wouldn't stop thinking that if he touched Steph there was a chance he touched Julie too. I know she said he didn't, but what if he did. And Steph not having the memories made it so much worse for both of us. There was too much horror in my own mind to not fill in the blanks with some of it. It was killing me, this not knowing. I hate him so much. I never hated like that before, ever. I wanted him to look into my eyes and know that if he ever sets foot outside that prison I'll fucking kill him.

The only reason I didn't go it was because Tank was one step ahead of me. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. A couple well placed fists to my ribs and his words, while he held me in a choke hold, changed my mind about getting in that car. He told me that even if the not knowing was killing me, knowing wasn't going to make it better. I'd hear the details. I wouldn't be able to stop imagining it happening. It'd haunt my dreams. I'd think of it every time my touch resembled what he said he did to her. No matter what I did to him, regardless of his life or death, I couldn't take away the pain and change the past. I had to let it go.

What he said resembled Ben's words so closely that I just sagged against him in defeat. I couldn't take away the pain or change the past. Those words just echoed through my mind. Before I knew what was happening, his choke hold turned into a hug and we were just standing there holding one another. I felt his tears and I knew what he just said came from experience. He knew what happened to Lula and it wasn't helping him at all. Seeing Scrog wasn't going to help me either. It'd probably just hurt me more.

Tank told me to get my ass back upstairs and love her. He told me that was my number one job, just love her. I patted his back and told him to have Les and Hal take command for the night. We both needed to be at home where we belonged.

I took the advice and came back up here. Steph was lying on the couch staring at the ceiling. I sat on the opposite end and put her feet in my lap. "I love you," I told her.

Her eyes moved from the ceiling to me and she smiled. "I love you too, Ranger. I'm sorry I've been so out of it," she told me.

And that was all I needed to hear. I knew I was doing the right thing staying here with her instead of driving four hours to chase down more pain. I rubbed her feet and smiled back at her. "Take as long as you want, just remember if you need to talk to me I'm here and I love you, no matter what. Okay?" I asked.

She nodded to me and took a deep breath. Then she told me that she was afraid that I'd think she was disgusting now that I knew that he touched her. Or that I'd think she was weak for letting this happen to her. Or that I'd be angry that she didn't keep her emotions in check like I'd taught her. She was so sincere in her doubt that it felt like she'd kicked me in the gut.

I pulled her to me and settled her in my lap. I assured her that none of those things were true, then I told her I was an idiot for suggesting she turn off her emotions. Her emotions are what make her so special. I asked her to forgive me for sending her after Scrog, but she wouldn't hear it. There was nothing to forgive. She never blamed me. She said she'd do it again to save Julie. She said she loved her, because she was part of me. I don't know how I ever found someone like her. I certainly didn't deserve the love she gave me, but I was so thankful to have it.

I was so thankful she was speaking to me again. I was beginning to worry that she'd never be able to speak to me the way she had before. I thought she'd stay closed off and unable to open up to me forever. I guess I thought that was my punishment for everything I put her through. Ben told me I shouldn't worry about that. He told me to trust her. He said she'd speak to me when the time was right, but I didn't really believe it until now.

I should have trusted him to know. She's been going to counseling every day. She has sessions with him and one of his associates, who specializes in sexual trauma. Ben can't tell me details, but he assured me that she was opening up in the sessions and participating in the group counseling as well. It helped knowing that she was able to speak to someone. It eased my mind when he said she was moving along really well, exactly where he'd like her to be in her therapy. Still, I couldn't make myself believe it until I saw it with my own eyes.

Now, finally, the woman sitting in my lap tonight was my Stephanie again. The emotion was back in her eyes. They weren't filled with that haunted look tonight. She smiled at me and touched me while she was speaking. She focused on me, not some far off distant place. She answered me when I spoke to her. She ate her dinner. She laughed at the movie we watched. She fell asleep on my lap.

I knew she wasn't better, but I knew Ben was right. She was on the right path. She was coming back to me. I finally felt like I had some hope.