**Thank you all for the reviews. I've been having a down couple weeks here, but such is life with depression even when most days are good. I have a good life, a loving husband that makes me laugh, and three kids that I love more than anything, but sometimes it's hard to see that. I think this story has just been taking its toll on me. I probably bit off more than I could chew with this one. Anyway, I didn't mean to have a meltdown, but because of it I decided to try to be more positive in my writing from here forward. We won't have any more dark twists in this story. I don't think I can do that to them again. And I hope you feel the mood change to one of hope instead of sorrow. Thanks again.**

September 30…1030 pm

It's been a week since my break down. A week. I couldn't really believe that only a week had passed. It seemed like so much had happened in those seven days. My life didn't really feel the same, not better or worse, just different.

The thing I realized was that it would never be the same again and that was alright. Before I was surviving by living in denial about what happened to me. I can't do that now. I'm learning to survive by facing my feelings head on. So that's a good change. Plus, I'm trying to focus on the positive for once in my life and surprisingly enough, it wasn't hard to find. I think I'm doing better, not great, but better.

I think the counseling has been helping. We've been working on recognizing and dealing with the emotions that were triggered by my panic attack. The dread I'd felt at first seems to have gone. I suppose that's because it's not a secret anymore. I don't feel like if someone finds out my secret my life will be ruined forever. It's actually really nice that I don't have to hide what happened from Ranger or Lula anymore. It almost feels foolish to have hidden it. Neither of them reacted like I had imagined other people reacting to it.

Lula has been a true friend and supporter from the moment I woke up in the hospital. She seems to be the only one that can truly understand how I'm feeling even when others try to empathize. She's gone to all three group sessions with me. And now that I know the other women better, I've grown closer to them too. It is a strange bond, but it's there, and it's strong.

They support each other through it all. They listen on a down day, they praise and share joy on a good day, they don't judge, they don't try to tell each other what to do, they share their own experiences and what did and didn't work for them. It's an incredible thing to be part of. I feel like they are really helping me build myself back up and I hope I'm supporting them to do the same.

And Ranger, he's just been fantastic. I couldn't ask for anyone to be more understanding or supportive of me. I can tell he's working hard to keep his own emotions in check. His Ranger-face slips into place randomly, shielding me from what he's thinking or feeling. I don't blame him. I know it has to be hard on him too. I haven't been exactly easy to live with this last month, but he's still here and he's still taking care of me. I'm very proud of him for facing this with me.

I'm not sure what he's thinking about it, he hasn't opened up to me about his feelings. I suppose that's probably for the better right now. I already have a lot on my mind, but I'm worried about him too. I really feel like he was blaming himself for everything up until a couple nights ago. I think that he thought I was blaming him for it too. It was like when I told him that I didn't blame him and didn't regret my choice to help him everything was different between us. He was different. It was like he lightened. I hope that meant he wasn't carrying around that guilt anymore. I hope I eased that worry for him, as he eased mine.

It's funny that with everything happening and going through my mind, my main worry was that he wouldn't want me as a woman anymore or that he'd look at me as damaged. We were so close to happy and finding that someday together that we both wanted. I had been so scared that Scrog could ruin that for us, but he didn't. Ranger has eased that worry and lightened my load tremendously just by being himself. He's been so sweet and caring, not smothering or careful, but honest and loving. It's exactly what I need. He's exactly what I need.

Last night he even talked me into going out to dinner with him. He laid out one of my new dresses and left me beautiful new roses on my bedside table with a note that asked if I'd join him for dinner. It was nice to focus on getting ready and be able to look at myself in that new dress. I stood in front of the full length mirror in the dressing room and stared at myself. My legs were toned and my waist was thinner, as were my arms and face. My hair was twisted and pinned up, my make-up covered the dark circles under my eyes, and the dress itself made my eyes pop. I looked like a stranger, but not in a bad way. Maybe this was the new me, one that I was just finding. Maybe. Whoever she was, she looked good.

The dress was a bright blue shift dress with a high neckline that was decorated with a bow and a super short hemline that made my legs look really long. Instead of heels, he laid out a pair of black flats and a new clutch that was practically sinful. It was a combination of blue, green and yellow metallic faux snake skin. As frustrating as it was knowing that I was wearing a two thousand dollar outfit, I had to admit I looked really good. It wasn't overtly sexy. It was sophisticated and a little sassy at the same time. Maybe the clothes were just bringing out the person that had been hidden in there for so long. It made me feel good.

When Ranger came in to get me I was still standing there. He was wearing a suit and looked practically edible. He just moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. We stood there staring at our combined reflection for quite a long time. He finally kissed my head and whispered to me that I was so beautiful that I took his words away. That felt pretty freaking good too.

We took his Turbo and drove to Newark. It was a long drive, but I trusted him. I think we both wanted to avoid the looks and gossip that surround me in Trenton. We ended up at a seafood place. I'm not much into fish, but I found a shrimp and pasta dish that was delicious. We spoke about the guys and the company and the movie we watched the night before. It was nice, relaxing.

When we got home he helped me out of my dress and we found ourselves making out like we'd been doing before my panic attack. I wanted to ask him to make love to me, but I just couldn't do it. I wasn't sure what this latest hang up was, but I couldn't make myself ask. We did find some mutual gratification anyway and fell asleep wrapped around one another. All in all it was a perfect night.

The funny thing is I've been thinking about last night all day long. About the sex. I know, I talked to Dr. Westin about sex and was assured that whatever I wanted to do was alright. I believed there was no right or wrong. The thing I didn't know was, how did I know for sure if it was right or wrong? What if we did it and I regretted it? Or what if we tried to do it and he couldn't touch me? Or what if I started thinking about those dreams during sex? What if I ruined everything by trying too soon?

Anyway, I was kind of driving myself nuts with the questions running through my head. I finally called Lula and told her I was having an emergency. She said there were only a few things that would cure an emergency and she could help me with all of them, fried food, sale shopping, and a Boston crème.

She wasn't wrong. She brought doughnuts which I ate (only one) on the way to the mall. We hit the sale racks at Macy's and charged up our cards. Then we went to the food court and got some lunch. That's when I asked her how the heck I could tell when the right time to have sex with Ranger was.

She smiled at me like she knew a secret that I didn't. Boy did I want to know. Especially since I was pretty sure she knew a lot of bedroom secrets I didn't. My mind was spinning with the possibilities her knowledge could open. I was sure she was going to tell me how to seduce him. I was practically salivating at the idea of finally not being hesitant about it.

So I was pretty disappointed when she said, "When you stop wondering when it's the right time, it'll be the right time."'

I scoffed at that. That wasn't helpful, was it? I wanted to complain, but the more I chewed on those words the more they made sense.

I guess I wasn't ready. I knew that was alright. I could take my time. Ranger would wait. It was only disappointing, because I thought that being able to share that with the man I love would heal another part of me. This uncertain part of me that needs reassurance that we'll get that intimacy back, unbroken.