**Sorry for taking so long on the update. I took my daughter and her friends to a One Direction concert over the weekend, so there just wasn't time for writing with squealing junior high girls surrounding me. So, anyway, I've been working on this for the past three days, and rewrote it twice. I'm still not really feeling it with this chapter, but it's inner thoughts…they don't have to make complete sense, right? Besides I think it still takes me where I want to go. So, thank you for your patience.**
October 1…1400
Stephanie surprised me by asking me to join her in her session with Ben this morning. We never did start the couple's sessions that we'd planned to. Her panic attack had changed the treatment plan completely and we were both so immersed in our own therapy that it wasn't something we were even thinking about doing right now. At least I wasn't. So I was completely surprised that she was ready to share her thoughts with me, but I readily agreed to go along with her. I wanted to.
She seemed a little nervous going in and I was too, though I tried to control my body's response to the stress. I didn't want to make her feel more nervous than she was. We held hands from the time we got out of my car until we took our chairs in Ben's office.
He seemed happy to see us together, but not surprised. Steph asked if it was alright that I was with her. He just smiled and told her that it was her session, she could use it however she wanted. She smiled and nodded at him. Then she took my hand again, which was fine with me. I liked having that connection to her.
When Ben asked what she wanted to talk about she just shrugged and looked at the floor. She was quiet for a few minutes before she started to speak. She said she'd been thinking about the day she'd had the panic attack at her apartment. She wanted to know if she could let the men finish packing and moving her things out of there without her. She didn't want to go back, but she didn't know if that would be skipping one of the steps that they'd been working on.
I wasn't sure what the steps were. I'd have to ask Ben about it later, but I was sure it had something to do with dealing with her assault. I really hoped going to the apartment wasn't one of those steps, because, frankly, I didn't want to go there again and I certainly didn't want her to go there again. That place has been the source of so much of my pain and worry that I'll be glad when it's off our hands for good. Then she'll be safe with me, the way she should be.
Ben studied her for a moment, then asked if she felt like the apartment had been part of her assault. She shook her head no. She said nothing like that had happened in her apartment, but so many other things had happened there. She just didn't like the feeling the place gave her and she didn't want to think about the terrible things anymore.
The terrible things. That was my Babe's way of saying she'd been nearly killed there, repeatedly. Shit, I'd been nearly killed there too. The place held a lot of bad memories for both of us. It needed to go. Soon.
Ben studied her again and asked if she could tell him about the terrible things. She just shook her head no and looked at the carpet again. Then I said, "It was where Scrog shot me." Ben nodded at my confirmation and she started to cry, silent tears. I squeezed her hand and told her that I was fine.
She looked up at me and trembled. "It's not fine. You almost died and it would have been my fault for getting you shot. I was supposed to focus on my goal, stay detached, and save Julie. I didn't do any of those things, Ranger. I didn't free Julie. I got molested. I lost my head and got kidnapped by that son of a bitch a second time, in my own home," she practically yelled at me. "My carelessness is going to get you killed. I keep thinking about all the times you almost died because of me and I can't stand it. I dream of you risking yourself. My nightmares are all about you dying, because of me. I can't seem to stop thinking that they aren't memories, but a warning for the future. I'm going to get you hurt." She closed her eyes, but the tears didn't stop. "Why the hell are you still with me?" she whispered.
Her words were killing me. I heard myself telling her to focus on the goal, to stay detached, to save Julie. They were the same words that had been echoing through my mind since the morning I found out about her assault. The fact that I sent her in there would probably eat at me forever. I would never stop regretting that, but I couldn't go back and change it now. I had to accept that I made a mistake that night and promise myself to never make it again. I wouldn't risk her again.
I turned in my chair and took her face in my hands. She didn't seem to want to look at me, though. And I didn't want her beating herself up over any of that shit either. It was all in the past. She needed to move on. She needed to let go of the guilt somehow. "Our jobs are dangerous, Steph. My job, my past, has put you in danger and almost took you from me a number of times too. It kills me to think that my enemies would use you to get to me, but they have, a couple times already. I've pulled you into a world so dark and dangerous that there will never be a way out for either of us now. Those people know that I'll never stop caring about you and that alone puts you at risk. I accepted that when I accepted what I feel for you. I wanted to keep you in my life, even if we weren't together. I wanted to love you the only way I knew how. The one thing I'm good at, Steph, is protecting you. So I devoted myself to keeping you safe. I had to, not only from the danger I brought you, but from anything you found while doing your own job. It's what I do, because I love you."
"I wish I could protect you from me," she whispered to me.
She wasn't hearing me. I could tell. So I asked her if she blamed me for putting her in danger. She immediately said no. I shrugged and told her I didn't blame her either. She rolled her eyes at me and moved her face out of my grip. "So you're just going to keep risking yourself for me?" she asked.
I saw the warning lights flashing and knew I had to proceed with caution. I didn't want her to run away or something worse, just to try to protect me. I could already see that's what she was thinking. "It doesn't work that way, Steph. I tried to push you away for how many years. It only hurt us both and it didn't keep either of us any safer," I told her.
"I can't lose you. Don't you understand?" she cried in my face.
Of course I understood. I felt the same way. I couldn't imagine life without her. "Don't leave me then." She seemed startled, like I'd read her thoughts. She just didn't understand how clearly her emotions showed in her eyes. I'd always been able to read her just by looking at her. Right now she was terrified and I needed to ease that. So I got out of my chair, knelt by her legs and looked up at her. "I love you," I told her. She sniffled and told me she loved me too. So I continued. I told her, "You promised to take your safety more seriously and I will too. I'll take all the same steps we talked about for you. Plus, we'll have each other's backs now. We'll take care of one another. We both have so much to live for now. We won't mess this up, I know it. We'll be better together than we were apart." She was open mouth staring at me, and I was actually shocked by my own words. I knew that I meant everything that I was saying, so I just went on without censoring myself. Shit, I was pretty much babbling at that point, and that was something I never did. "This is it, Babe. This is what we've been afraid to do for so many years, but somehow we did it. We gave ourselves a chance for a future together." She was still trembling so I kissed her fingers. "Can you stop blaming yourself? Can you believe that I will take my safety seriously? Can you trust in us?"
She nodded her head slightly. I wasn't sure if she believed me or not, but Ben interrupted and asked her what she was still frightened about. She looked somewhere past me and said that she was afraid that I'd be killed because of her. She didn't want me getting shot, or stabbed, or jumping off bridges for her anymore.
Ben looked at me, but I couldn't promise those things. I'd always protect her over myself, just like she would me. I didn't want her to take bullets, or get strapped to bombs, or get set on fire, but I know that she'd risk those things for me again if she had to. I just had to accept that about her, like she would about me.
Then she said she didn't want me to regret staying with her. She didn't want me to hate her because she got me hurt. She didn't want to disappoint me because she messed up again. She didn't want me to think about her like her mom or Joe did.
That was fucking ridiculous. No, I didn't tell her that. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but come on. I could never regret a moment of time with her. She couldn't disappoint me and I'd never hate her, those things just weren't possible. I was always so proud of her for digging down deeply and using what she had to get by, even if it wasn't the best decision, she did it her way. That was one of the many things I loved about her. That's what made her my Babe.
When I told her all that she looked stunned again. I wished she could believe in me, in my feelings, but I knew it'd take time for her to trust that I wouldn't hurt her like her mother or Morelli had, hell, like I had in the past. So I didn't argue. I just promised myself to keep making sure she knew how much I revered her every single day.
She just shook her head at me. "How can you just accept me and all my baggage?"
"Because I love you," I told her. "You'd accept anything about me too, wouldn't you?"
She closed her eyes and nodded her head. "Yes."
"Then that's all we need, isn't it? To love each other?" I asked her.
"You can't die on me," she told me.
"I'm not planning to die anytime soon," I promised and I hoped I could keep that promise. "Remember what I told you, we'll live quietly, no dangerous shit, we'll be safe together."
I wondered how long I'd be able to keep that promise. I didn't have to take any government jobs anymore. I wasn't bounty hunting anymore, and neither was she. I had men that could take care of most of the security calls, leaving me to do the office work that my job demanded. We'd live in secure housing. We'd drive the safest cars. We'd have bodyguards when we needed to. I'd do everything I could to keep us both safe and to ease her mind, but there would always be a lurking possibility of another threat toward either of us. I'd never be able to get rid of the guns and relax like a normal man and she knew that. I've told her that.
I never truly told her why though. I knew I'd have to tell her about my past sooner, rather than later, and that didn't scare me quite as much as it had. I knew she'd still love me. I just hoped she could still live by my side when she got all the facts. I couldn't hide myself anymore though. I could only promise her so much without revealing why we'd never be one hundred percent safe.
Ben interrupted my thoughts and told her that she could let go of the apartment. There was no reason for her to relive her pain by going back there. She remembered it clearly. I relaxed a little when he said that. I'd get the men on it today. They could have it cleared by dinner.
Then he asked her if she was ready to live with me, to commit herself to a life with me, even if it meant that either or both of us had to face danger again. She picked at her nails, not looking at either of us. Then she nodded her head yes.
"Are you sure?" I asked her. I didn't want her thinking this was her only option. "I could put you somewhere safe until you find a place of your own if you don't want to be with me. Or when you're feeling better we could find you a place of your own. Anything you want is alright. I promise. "
She didn't hesitate though. She said she wanted to be with me. She wanted to live with me permanently. I relaxed, kissed her cheek, and sat back in my chair. I knew she had a lot of worries and they wouldn't be laid to rest until she knew what our life would be like. I could deal with that. I could wait as long as I have to for her to recognize what we have is real and forever.
What I really wanted was to take her away from here and have time for just the two of us. I want to be able to speak to her like we used to. I want to cuddle her and love her every second of the day. I want to be free of Trenton and the reminders of the danger that haunts her and the people that hurt her. I want to be able to open myself fully and relax with her. I just want to be a man, not Ranger, for once.
It was like a freaking light bulb went off in my head. I'd asked her to go to Miami with me, but there I wouldn't be free of work or family obligations. We'd still have the outside world weighing in on us. There was only one place that I had ever felt free to relax and be myself. I'd never shared that place with anyone before. I wanted her there with me, though. I had wanted her there for a long time now.
It was like as soon as the idea was in my head I had to have it. I was practically childlike in my excitement. Ben and Steph were speaking about her feelings and nightmares so I waited patiently for my turn to speak. Then I just asked if she was well enough to go away for a week.
Ben lifted an eyebrow at me. I wasn't really the impulsive type, ever. This decision was nothing but impulsive though. I told him that I thought that our weekend at the beach had been healing for us both and that I wanted more time alone with her. She poked me and gave me a look. I guess I'd forgotten to ask her if she wanted to go.
So I turned, gave her my sweetest smile, and took her hand again. "Steph, I'd like to take you to my lake house. Would you like to go if Ben says it's alright? There is no ocean, but there is a beach and water. And it's quiet and secluded and very safe," I practically begged. She nodded yes, so we both looked at Ben.
He looked doubtful. He'd probably bitch me out later, but I didn't really care. He didn't tell her no though. He just told her to take a few days to think about it so she didn't rush into something she wasn't ready for. He shot me a look of warning too.
I wasn't trying to pressure her or set back her progress and it pissed me off when he gave me that look. So he told me to remember what we'd been focusing on and to take things at her speed. I agreed. We'd been focusing on supporting her through her assault recovery. I wasn't going to forget that. I just thought this would help her, us. I didn't want to get her alone so I could nail her for God's sake. The man acted like I had no self-control.
I knew the lake house was the place we could share together, as we heal together. I never thought of that place as my home, but thinking about sharing it with Steph changed that. It could be our home, together. It could be the start of something good.
So when I got home I started to make arrangements with the guys to cover for me. Aside from Tank I'd just tell them I was offline. I spoke with Ella about food and supplies that we'd need. I ordered some outdoor gear for Steph so we could enjoy our time away. Then I just sat back and relaxed. I wouldn't ask her again. I knew she already decided to go.
This is going to be good. I know it.