October 5th…0600

I'd forgotten how much I love this place. Or maybe I just didn't love it this much when I was here alone. Now, though, it was like everything I ever wanted was right here in the little piece of heaven.

I was worried that Steph would hate it here. She's not exactly the outdoorsy type. That's probably an understatement. I figured she'd freak out when she saw the closest town was nothing more than a few houses and a little marina. She likes her modern conveniences like shopping malls, the McDonald's drive-thru, and a twenty-four hour gas station. There certainly wasn't any of that here.

It was a remote and hidden piece of property I only discovered by accident. Tank and I came up to the state park years ago. We did some camping, hiking, fishing, and rock climbing, then took the ATV's off trailing. We'd been spending all our time on Moosehead Lake and while it was a nice place to vacation, I wouldn't have dreamed of building there. It's used by tourists most of the year, so I'd never have the privacy that I need to relax. But what I found off the path that day was this small lake surrounded by dense woods on all sides. It was calm, remote, and virtually uninhabited.

Two years later this house was built in the same location I stood that day. I kind of worried about Steph's reaction to my house too. She had such outrageous images in her mind about my lifestyle that she actually thought I owned multiple mansions. I told her that I didn't own anything, but RangeMan, my apartments, and this house. But I wondered if she still had expectations for this place, ones that it wouldn't meet.

It wasn't fancy or large, it wasn't professionally decorated, and it only had a limited amount of modern conveniences. There was a TV and DVD player, but the TV didn't pick up any local channels and there was no cable out here. I didn't really use it anyway. I wasn't much of a TV person, but I knew she was. She didn't seem too concerned with my lack of entertainment though. She actually seemed happy with a flushing toilet, nothing else seemed to phase her.

Besides the décor and the remoteness of the house, I had all my personal crap here. This was really her first look into what I was interested in and how I spent my free time. It was a look into my life that I never let anyone else have, especially a woman.

I worried about her judging me or looking down on me for loving it here. What would she think of her Batman sitting around alone, fishing, doing jigsaw puzzles, and reading mystery novels? I figured she'd think it was pathetic and consider me a dork. But she didn't.

She seemed to love the area. She was in awe of the fall colors, which we were lucky enough to catch the end of. She seemed to soak up the fresh air and relax almost immediately. She didn't even want to come in out of the cold last night she was enjoying it out here so much.

And the house, she said she loved it. She thought it was homey and comfortable. She thought it suited me, which made me happy. The people that knew Ranger would never picture me here. Maybe in a ghetto like Stark Street or in a jungle or a desert, but not here, not like this. And the people that knew Carlos, the CEO, would never imagine that I hated socializing, wearing suits, and living in heavily populated, large cities. Steph seemed to get it though. She finally knew me and she wasn't ready to run.

She seemed to love that I was opening up to her. She looked around at all my personal belongings and seemed happy that I was sharing it with her. She even opened up to me in return.

She was looking at a photo of Julie when she was little and suddenly started to tell me about Scrog, about how he tried to get her pregnant. It was the first time she really talked to me about that night. She knew I read the letter and was fully aware of what she was going through, but she never talked about it with me. I was stunned. I wasn't sure what to say to her, so I just held her and let her tell me what she was thinking.

I was surprised by her revelations. I knew she'd been thinking about getting married and having a family before Scrog kidnapped her, but I never put together that her time with him marked her change in behavior. When I thought about it though, it all made sense. After that night, she suddenly seemed to run from Morelli when things got too serious. She refused to entertain the idea of getting married and having kids. The idea of getting pregnant seemed to bother her more than just the fear of parenthood had early on in our relationship. It was there, so clearly now.

I felt like I'd been blind to the clues that had been right in front of me. I should have figured out that something had happened to her. I was just so preoccupied by my own fear. Fear that my life could hurt her or Julie again, that I just didn't see it.

I wished I could go back and pay attention to her like I should have. I could have helped her. I could have been there for her. I could have taken care of her. She wouldn't have had to keep this pain a secret for all these years. Then maybe she wouldn't be hurting like she is now. I'd do anything to take that pain away for her.

I know that's not how this works and I'm trying to do it like Ben instructed me to, but it's been so hard to just let things take their natural course. I haven't brought up Scrog or her assault. I've just let her know that I'm here for her and that I still love her more than anything. It was all I could do until she's ready for more. I figured we still had a long road ahead of us, since she hadn't spoken about it yet.

But last night she said she could speak to me about it and she did. She said that she prayed to God that she wouldn't have his baby and decided that she'd abort a child should she get pregnant. I knew that'd be a horrible thing for her to think about. I knew she didn't believe in abortion as an option for herself. We were both Catholic. We both believed it was ending a life, but we both believed in a woman's rights too. I would never look down on a woman for making that decision for herself, but Steph did look down on herself. She felt that she somehow didn't deserve to have children after making that decision. I think she felt guilty for putting her feelings ahead of a child, even if that child didn't exist. And on top of that every time she thought about having a child with Joe or me she could only see and hear Scrog. She couldn't get rid of that memory.

It made me feel sick to know she felt that way for all these years. I secretly wondered what would have happened if she'd really gotten pregnant last year when we were in Hawaii. We had a scare with a broken condom and her period being late. I tried to talk to her about it, but she refused. She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to make plans, just in case, like I had. God. What if she thought I'd been asking her to get rid of our possible baby? I sure as hell hope that's not what she thought I'd been asking.

I wonder if I should make it clear that I want to have kids with her, someday. I know last year would have been an awful time for it to happen, but I didn't hate the idea, even then. Sharing a baby would have tied us together forever and I liked that idea at the time. I liked the thought of her carrying a part of me with her. I liked that everyone would know that she was mine. Oddly enough, those were the same reasons that it terrified me a year ago too.

But we have come a long way since then. She touched Julie's picture last night and told me that she was moving on and getting better. She said she could imagine us having children someday. Something in me changed with those words. I suddenly didn't want a baby with her for all those selfish reasons I'd thought of in the past.

It was never real before last night. A family with Steph had been a fantasy that I knew would never happen. In reality, we both had dangerous lives, pasts that could come back to haunt us, and enough issues of our own that it wouldn't be fair to bring children into it. Listening to her last night, though, hearing her hopes and dreams for the future come back to her, I wanted to give her that life. I wanted to figure out how we could overcome everything and have that fantasy life for real.

What was even more startling was that I didn't want it just for her. I wanted it for me. I wanted to create a family with her. The idea of seeing a tiny baby that was part of both of us filled me with so much love for her I wanted to just crush her to me and tell her that. I didn't. I didn't want to startle her. I just held her and told her whenever she was ready. I knew I'd give her whatever she wanted, no matter how difficult. I'd just have to find a way to make it safe.

I don't think I ever got the term mate before, but I got it then. She was the woman I was meant to be with. We were meant to share our lives together. We were meant to create a family together. She would be my wife and the mother to my children someday. What was even more interesting, was that part of me always knew that she was that woman. I felt like an idiot for fighting it for so long. Why fight something that was so right? So inevitable?

After that revelation it was so easy to open up to her and share this house with her. I wanted her to enjoy every moment we were here. I wanted her to see the real me. I wanted her to really know what life with me would be like outside the job. She was all too familiar with my professional life and obligations. This was new to her and I wanted her to see I wasn't just the job, I could be a real man.

I didn't even have to work at it anymore. I was relaxed around her. I was able to open up, show my emotions, and be a real person without trying. It was quite a revelation, one that surprised me. I didn't even notice it happening. She really was healing me just by loving me. I just hope my love works the same way for her.

So, sticking with the relaxation plan for the week, we ended up having a quiet evening. I grilled out on the deck and we sat and watched the sunset over the water. It really was beautiful out here. I loved the quiet more than anything and I think Steph did too. She didn't talk to fill the silence like she used to, she just enjoyed it. Maybe she finally found her zone finally?

Then we went inside. I started a fire and took a shower while she laid on the couch and wrote in her notebook. I joined her on the couch after my shower. We snuggled together with the music playing softly in the background and the fireplace the only light in the room. It was much more romantic than I ever imagined this place being. It'd just been a lonely man's retreat before, now it felt like a den of seduction. And wow, did I want to seduce her.

I didn't. Instead we talked and kissed and she told me some funny family stories about her dad taking her fishing when she was little. We kept it light, but I could tell she was as turned on by our bodies touching as I was. I didn't think it was time to take that step with her though. We just got here and we had so much more to explore with one another. So as much as it was killing my dick I didn't try anything.

Luckily, she fell asleep in my arms, so the desire faded. I carried her up to bed and tucked her against my body. I was completely content to hold her there in my arms and she stayed there until I woke this morning.

I watched her for a long time before coming out here to think. I wanted to make the week fun and adventurous as much as I wanted to make it relaxing. So I figured I'd take her out hiking today. I knew she wanted to walk in the woods, to surround herself with the falling leaves. It would probably tire her out too.

I didn't want to leave too much to chance. I wouldn't be tempted by her if she were sleeping. If she were rubbing against me, kissing me, and, God forbid, moaning gently in my ear like she had been last night I think I'd probably combust. Because, damn it, I wasn't going to touch her that way. Not yet.