** I apologize for any weird mistakes in this chapter. I read through it once, but I just can't get through it again. I think I have stress brain or something, since I can't stay with the book I'm reading right now either. So anyway, that was the cause of my delay in posting too. I might take a couple days before starting the next chapter because of it. Thanks for your understanding and the nice reviews for the last couple chapters. I appreciate it. **
October 6…800 pm
It kind of seems like I'm picking up just where I left off the last time I wrote, since Ranger is upstairs in the shower and I am back on the couch awaiting his return. Though this time, his shower was my idea. I really want to get snuggly with him, but he smelled like fish. To be fair, we both did, but I showered while he was cooking our dinner.
He woke me while it was still dark this morning and hauled me out of bed to go fishing. I wasn't prepared for fishing, but he was. As I found out yesterday, his entire suitcase was filled with extra stuff for me, since all his stuff was already here at the house. He bought me hiking boots, sneakers, girly hooded sweatshirts, flannels, and the cutest fishing vest…that matched his. Seriously, we were adorable. I actually made him stand next to me for a selfie, which I am going to send to Tank as soon as I have service.
Anyway, he had a fishing boat in his garage and a boat launch off the driveway. So after some interesting maneuvering, he backed the boat trailer down to the launch and had me help him get it into the water. Honestly, I imagine it'll be worse getting it out of the water at the end of the week, but I'm not going to worry about that right now.
We spent all day out on the boat. We fished, ate the lunch he packed us, talked a lot, kissed a little, and I may have taken a little nap on the rear bench seat. Then at the end of the day, we took the boat around the small lake before coming home.
There was something so freeing about the cold spray of the water and the wind whipping my hair around my head. I felt like I was this wild thing that couldn't be touched by anything but nature itself. I felt grounded, like I was part of the Earth. I felt like I could soak up all the energy I needed from this place. I felt like I was meant to exist here.
It was absolutely gorgeous too. The sunlight reflected off the water and filtered through the trees on shore, making everything glimmer. Plus, the trees themselves were still a rainbow of colors. Seriously, the only things that were still green were the evergreens.
But as beautiful as it was and as free as I felt in that moment, it suddenly made me feel really sad. In just the few days we'd been here it was like half the trees had been stripped of their leaves. It reminded me that my birthday was in a few days. Then after that, winter would be knocking on our door. The idea of trading this fall splendor for the gray, drab skies and the dirty, slush covered roads of winter in Trenton made me wish I could freeze time.
If I froze time I wouldn't have to think about what I would be missing at home either. I never had a birthday without my mom's pineapple upside down cake before. I never had a birthday without my parents or Grandma Mazur either. It was weird. As bad as my relationship with my mother could be, it was never that bad on my birthday. She made me a cake and a special dinner. Grandma and Dad tried to pretend to like one another and Mom didn't ask me questions about my personal life. Then again, maybe that was because Joe had been there for all my recent birthdays. For as horrible as Mom and Joe could make me feel, I had a lot of good memories too. And those good memories made me realize how much I missed them, which was ridiculous.
Ranger said it wasn't ridiculous at all. They were still my family and I still loved them. That was true, even if I had been avoiding them. Ranger thought maybe it was time I start to think about facing them again, even if I wasn't ready to actually do it yet. We even talked about going forward with my ideas for family therapy. I wasn't sure if they'd agree to it, but I still felt like I needed to try. It'd leave a hole in me if I never had any of them in my life again.
Besides, I kind of wondered if my behavior after the assault had affected my relationships with them. And no, I wasn't forgiving my mother for her words or behavior by a long shot, but I wondered if I'd pushed Dad, Grandma, and even Val away because of my shame and depression. It was possible that I allowed them to be physically involved with my life, while I kept them at an emotional distance. Just like I had with Joe and Ranger. It was a self-defense mechanism I was working on getting past, even if it seemed impossible some days.
I found the more I talked about my assault, though, the more it became clear that my shame had been ruling my life since it happened. I tried to cope with it the only way I knew how, by pushing people away. I thought it was easier to keep them at arm's length than it was to let them in and explain my pain. I didn't think anyone would understand me. I thought they would blame me or mock me or even laugh it off as another Stephanie disaster.
It helped a lot knowing the people that I did share this with didn't judge me. They empathized and stood by me in a way I didn't know was possible. I never had that type of support before. The love that has been shown to me by my friends has been unexpected, but vital to my healing. I knew that to get myself to a place I could be proud to stand in again I needed to open up to the other people in my life, the people that I love.
Like Mary Lou, I had hardly spoken to her over the last few years and I had always been closer to her than anyone else in the world. I felt so guilty about pushing her away, but if there was anyone in the world that could see my hidden feelings or pain, it was Mary Lou. That was something I didn't want her to see. I didn't think I could stand the knowing look she'd give me or the motherly way she'd want to hug me. I just wasn't ready for that. I knew that'd cause me to break, because it would have meant acknowledging that I was raped. And that was the one thing I couldn't do, before now.
I didn't want to slip out of my denial, because I thought I'd never recover if I did. I was wrong though. Denial was the worst possible thing for me. While living with the truth was hard, living in the dark, scary secrecy that I had been was much harder. I knew if there was anyone I could trust with this truth it was Mary Lou.
She certainly didn't deserve to be pushed out of my life the way I had. Luckily we had the type of friendship that no amount of time or distance could change. We could pick up where we left off like we'd only just seen one another last week. Maybe that marked the sign of a true friendship. I don't know, all I know is that she is another key piece of my life that I'd been missing.
I've been calling her regularly since I moved in with Ranger, because I knew she worried about me. But I haven't told her my reasons for being there. I knew I had to come clean and tell her the whole story. I need her to understand my behavior at some point. I need her to know why I stopped seeing her. I need her to forgive me. I need her to be part of the support team I'm building. I need her accept me and treat me as if nothing changed, like I am still the same Steph as I was before. I know, it sounds selfish, but I'd be that person for her too, if she needed it.
That's what friendship was. Lula and the guys taught me that. There was no price tag attached to what I needed to take from them or to what they gave me. Everything we did for one another was done freely, without debt. It was that understanding that they would do anything for me just because they loved me that made me trust in other people again. It gave me the strength to tell Mary Lou.
That's why I thought I should come clean with my family too. I knew they all loved me. Grandma has always been one of my top supporters. While she's crazy and loves to gossip about my messes, I knew I could trust her too. She'd never hurt me with this information.
Neither would Daddy or Val. We weren't close in the way other families were, but we still loved each other. Val had been hurt by her ex-husband and she was kidnapped once, because of me. Those men had threatened to rape her. We got away before they had the chance, but I was beginning to think she'd understand the terror I went through too. Maybe not in the way Lula did, but I had the support group for that. I just needed my sister to be my sister again.
Dr. Jensen said one of the steps to healing was being able to acknowledge what happened to me. For me, maybe part of that was being able to look at the people I love and explain to them that I was raped and that it affected my entire life, including my relationships. Maybe it was letting them back into my life and allowing them to see the person I had become because of this. I know being able to do that with Ranger had been freeing. I felt like he finally knew me as a whole person and it made me so happy to know that he still loved me. He didn't treat me like I was damaged or broken. He just treated me like a woman, his woman.
That alone, being treated normally, probably helped heal me more than anything else had. It certainly helped me open up to him about everything. I didn't feel like I needed to sugar coat my feelings for him or cover up when something reminded me of what Scrog did or said. It was nice to be able to tell him, to talk it out, to hear what he thought about my revelations. It was a new way of coping for me, but oddly enough, I really liked it. It was kind of empowering.
Yesterday had been a good day for us in that regard. I was able to open up to him a lot about what was going on in my head. I would never have thought that hiking would be a good activity for thinking, but it worked even better than lying on the beach did.
As we walked through the woods and did some light rock climbing, I thought about how that day with Scrog had changed my life forever. Not getting help to deal with what happened to me affected almost every decision I made since then, especially the decisions that involved Ranger and Joe.
I hid my feelings from Ranger. More than anything else I didn't want him to see weakness in me. I had taken cases I shouldn't have taken. I put myself in situations that I shouldn't have. I chose to get involved in things that I shouldn't have. I wanted to prove I was strong and tough and could do as he taught me to. I didn't care about the risks or the danger at the time. Frankly, that rush was one of the few things I'd let myself feel. Until it became too much.
I wondered if I'd still be going like I was, if I hadn't been locked in that trunk and tossed off the bridge that day. The time I spent in that trunk had somehow brought everything back to me and combined with Ranger risking his life for me, again, it just pushed me over the edge.
I thanked God for the help I got. From Tank and Lester that first day all the way to Ranger here with me now, everyone around me had supported me and helped me regain my strength. I could recognize all the bad decisions for what they were now and I vowed not to make them anymore. I was invested in my future now. I was ready to open up to the people I care about. I was ready to have those hard discussions. I was strong enough to know that if they didn't support me, believe in me, and love me anyway that they didn't belong in my life anymore.
I never would have been able to make that decision without Ranger's love and support. He helped me grow so much over this last month. I kind of felt like a real adult. I wasn't just squeaking along without a plan for the future anymore. Sure, I still had things to figure out, but I knew who I was and what was important to me. That was something I never had before.
I realized that being an adult isn't all about independence or surviving on my own like I thought it was after my divorce. I didn't have to do everything for myself to be seen as a grown up. It wasn't weak or stupid to trust a man to help with those things. I guess I figured out that I just needed to find the right life partner. I certainly didn't have that the first time around, but I had that now. I could trust Ranger not to make me feel inferior because he was the professional, the bread winner, the property owner that was taking care of me. I think for me, part of growing up was finding that trust with Ranger.
I did trust him in every way a woman can trust a man. I had willingly given up my apartment. I was moved into our apartment at RangeMan and I knew I'd never live without him again. It surprised me that I didn't get worried about never having my own space again. That had always been one of my biggest fears with Joe, but I liked sharing a space with Ranger. It wasn't difficult, or scary, or stressful at all. It came naturally to both of us, I think.
Even though we were so different it seemed to work for us. We were both happy and comfortable together, not only at home, but I felt it in his other spaces too. Like here on the lake and in Boston. Those places weren't home, but I felt like I belonged in them because I was with him. I figured I'd feel that no matter where we were.
I admit going to Boston had been a little weird. I'd never been to any of his other offices before, and this one wasn't as relaxed as the Trenton branch was. When he was in Boston, in front of the employees, he was this strange combination of Badass Ranger and Brilliant CEO Carlos. He had such a strong presence. He was in charge and everyone knew it, and seemed to respect him for it. It was interesting to watch and at first I was a little intimidated. I mean, geez, I didn't think Ranger normally traveled with women. I wondered what his men would think about it, but I soon figured out that was a stupid worry. Most of them knew who I was and were aware that we were living together back in Trenton. That had surprised me.
When I asked Ranger about it he just said that the men had been excited for him and emailed it out with a photo of the two of us together. I asked to see the email and it made me laugh. There we were in the elevator, Ranger was almost smiling while holding Rex's cage against his chest. It just said Ranger finally did it, he got a hamster today. That was it, no nasty comments or remarks about us like I imagined. Just a bunch of congratulations extended.
With that, the worry about what his men would think vanished. They seemed to accept that he was a man and entitled to a personal life that included me, and Rex. It eased the worries my mom planted in my head about not fitting into his lifestyle. I was worried people would think that I was with him for his money or that I was a kept woman for letting him buy me things, but the guys seemed to respect whatever we had going on. Ranger told me that he didn't expect anything less from them. They knew he wouldn't bring me into his life if he wasn't intending to keep me there. That eased another set of worries, that he'd change his mind about me.
With the kept woman worries laid to rest I admitted to myself that it was a relief to know I'd never have to worry about paying my rent or having enough money left for groceries again. I liked knowing that I didn't have to take dangerous or humiliating jobs to get by. I could take my time to figure out what I want to do with my life before finding a job. Heck, I didn't even have to work if I didn't want to. Ranger would never expect me to contribute money to our household anyway, I knew that.
In the past I would have fought him on every penny he spent on me, but I was strangely okay with it now. I guess I trusted him to not make me feel like an indentured servant like Dickie did or Joe would have. He wanted to give me things just because he loved me, not because he was expected to or because he wanted something from me.
I'd totally rethought my entire stance on burg life. I wasn't a hater of the life my mother, my sister, and even Mary Lou had. I knew they loved their lives and the way they did it. But I knew it didn't have to be all or nothing anymore. I didn't have to be either a housewife or a career woman, there were so many other options that I wasn't exposed to when I was growing up.
I really could do what I wanted and as long as I loved it, nothing else really mattered. So maybe I would find a job that paid well and I'd become a professional again, or maybe I'd find somewhere to volunteer my time doing something I loved while Ranger took care of the financials, or maybe (somewhere a long way down the line) we'd have kids and I'd want to stay home with them. I just didn't know, and that was alright. I knew I could do any of that and Ranger would stand by anything I choose to do. That was just one of the reasons I loved him so very much.
And believe me, there were more reasons than I could list. Like him cleaning and grilling all the fish we caught today and not expecting me to touch them, or their smelly insides. And squishing the giant spider that was hiding by my seat in the boat, with his bare hand. And lifting me over sharp rocks while we were climbing yesterday so I wouldn't get hurt. It was considerate and manly and so sexy, and dang it, I liked the little things he did for me. Like earlier, after my shower, he sat beside me on the picnic table and finger combed my wet curls. Or the last couple nights when he held me in front of the fire until I fell asleep in his arms, then carried me up to bed. Or when we got back from hiking last night and he took off my boots and rubbed my feet, even though they were sweaty. It was like any given day was full of a hundred little things he did just because he loved me and it made me love him even more.
He was the best medicine I could ever ask for and I thank my lucky stars that we got this chance to be together finally. The strange thing was that I wondered if I hadn't had this break down if we'd be here now, if we'd ever have had this chance at a relationship. What if all the bad stuff had been part of the plan all along? Maybe it was the only way to make us see what we had in one another.
I'd never been a believer in good coming from bad, but I believed now. This thing with Ranger was the best thing that ever happened to me, so I couldn't let the bad overrule it in anymore. My priority was on love, happiness, and friendship…that's what I'd focus on, instead of the past.