** Thanks for the reviews of the last chapter, glad everyone seems to like the progress she is making. Now it's Ranger's turn, the next few chapters will be all about him. Again, sorry about the delay in posting. The break was wonderful and refreshing. I even started another story and am a good ten chapters into it. My brain needed that. I also got my Nanowrimo story outlined for this November, it's going to be the follow up to Exposed that's been haunting my mind. So that's all, I just wanted to babble about the stories. Thanks again for reading along. **

October 8th…0900

I don't know what I'm doing. Steph's inside taking a shower and I'm out here on the deck, alone. I could be in there with her. I want to be in there with her, but I'm a big chicken shit. I'm afraid to be anywhere near her right now. I don't know if I have the strength or the willpower to stop myself from trying to make love with her. I'm weak, and getting weaker by the minute.

I spent the entire night awake, thinking about us. And that wasn't easy to do with her naked body curled against mine. My brain didn't want to focus on anything except the way she was overloading my senses. The way her breast looked crushed against my side as she held me, the scent of her hair, the soft skin on her hip under my fingertips, the little sleep purrs that came from her slightly parted lips, and the sweetness of her skin when I touched my tongue to it, was all too much. I was overwhelmed by her, by us. I didn't know it would be this hard to keep my control when I suggested this trip.

No, I don't regret it. These last four days have been amazing. They've been so much better than I ever dreamed they could be. She's opened up to me so much. It's like I'm finally seeing her inner thoughts and feelings, something I don't think she's ever shared with anyone before. It makes me feel special and loved to be the one she shares with.

Everything she does for me makes me feel special. It's not like she's making huge declarations or anything, it's the little things she does that show her love. Like yesterday morning, she got up at dawn, before me, and made me pancakes. Then, she brought them up to bed and fed me.

I'm not the type of man that likes a woman to wait on him, but it was the thoughtfulness of the act that touched me. She'd put thought into doing something special, for me. I've never had anyone do things like that for me without expecting something in return. Well, no one but Steph.

It made me realize how much she'd given me over the years. Not the big stuff, those I was fully aware of, but the little stuff. I guess I tried not to think about how she brought me treats on my birthday and made me special little cards for Christmas. One year she even put a little, foot tall Christmas tree up in my apartment while I was out of the building. She'd left the card under the tree and disappeared before I got home. I knew she only did it to make me smile and I had. That was love, the true, heart felt kind.

Finally we were on the same page with our feelings. Before we got here I thought things were great between us, but it's so much more now. We've grown closer than ever. We've been happier than ever. I think we've fallen even further in love than I thought possible. It's been incredible, but startling too.

Thinking about how quickly our relationship has changed was the startling part, but not in a bad way. I just suddenly realized that there would be no more surprise cards in an empty apartment. There would be no more lonely holidays. She would never leave me alone again. We'd share our meals and our shower and our bed every day, forever. I would never have to live a moment without her, and that knowledge brought me so much pleasure it was about to burst from me.

I want her to know I don't want to live without her again, in a way my words can't covey. I'm ready to commit myself to her for the rest of my life. I'm ready for her to be my companion, my partner, my friend, my lover, all of it. She's the only woman that ever filled those roles, now I want her to fill them all at the same time and I want to be the one that fills those roles in her life too. I don't want her to have any doubt that I want to be her everything. The hard part is keeping that to myself until the time is right.

In all the thinking I did last night one thing became clear to me, I need to open that one last door between us. I need to come clean on my entire past. She needs to be able to see the entire picture before we can move on. It wouldn't be fair to her to keep those dark secrets. They'd always be between us, they'd haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't want that.

I want to be able to let it go. This may be the first time that I've ever wanted to let go of my pain. That pain had always been a reminder of where I've been and what I've done, but I don't want the past to eat up my life anymore. I want to have happiness without being ashamed of it. I want to hold Steph in my arms without thinking about the things she doesn't know, the things that could make her leave me. I want peace from the ghosts. I just want to let go.

I'm not sure if now is the right time to do it. She's been doing so well all week and I'd hate to ruin her progress or make her regret coming here with me. She couldn't even run from me if she wanted to, she was stuck here with me. That seemed completely wrong, like the worst timing.

The thing is, I felt like I had to tell her, soon. I didn't think it could wait until we got home. I need to tell her everything before we have sex. And having sex with her was certainly an option that seemed more and more likely every day.

Shit, we'd taken a walk in the woods yesterday afternoon. She'd held my hand and fawned over the rabbits and deer we saw. It was sweet and light, nothing sexual was happening at all. Then it started to rain, we got muddy before we got back to the house. That led us to the bathroom where we showered off, but she was still freezing so I ran her a hot bath. One thing led to another and I ended up behind her in the tub. Her hips fitted snuggly between my legs, her back against my chest, her breasts bobbing on the water, her long legs rubbing against mine, it was too much.

I cupped her breasts and held them in my hands. I worshipped them with my fingers, plucking and rubbing her nipples until she was panting. She turned her head back toward me and we kissed. Every bit of control was lost with that kiss. My fingers moved between her legs, stroking her until she was moaning and grinding her ass back against my dick. She lifted her hips and I felt myself poised at her entrance. God, I just wanted to thrust up inside her so bad. I could have. I didn't.

I didn't want it to be a quickie in the tub. I wanted to enjoy every inch of her first. I wanted to be sure she'd enjoy it, especially this first time. There was so much riding on this first time. And I was terrified to try. What if she got scared or had flashbacks or it hurt her or she was only doing it because she thought I wanted her to? I couldn't handle that.

I'd done some reading on sex after rape. It gave me a few ideas on how to handle things, just in case. None of those pointers included reverse cowgirl in my bathtub. I needed to be more careful, more aware of my surroundings. I couldn't let this sneak up on me again. I needed to be controlled and deliberate about our encounters. At least until we could sit down and discuss it, if she still wanted to talk to me after I told her about my past.

But I knew I had to. That was the easy decision. Finding out after we were married or had a family would be a betrayal. I couldn't do that to her.

Facing your deepest fears for someone else, for the relationship, that was love. And I know that Steph is doing just that for me, for us. I knew I had to do the same. I love her too much not to.