**Thank you all so much for the reviews on the last chapter. I felt much better about it after reading that it did what I wanted it to. Phew. Anyway, this is just a little happy from Ranger. I figured he needed a break after that last one. (And I got a really good start of the next chapter already.)**

I wrote this after reading your September eleventh entry. I know there is probably more to know about your time in the Army, but I need you to know that I will love you no matter what else there is. You are the love of my life and nothing will ever change that. I know we belong together and I'm not going to let that go.

You asked me once to fight my illness for us. I'm asking you now to fight your past for us. We can fight it together. I know we can. Just like I know we can have a beautiful future together. Our love is stronger than all the evil that's touched us. I won't let it pull us under.

I love you, Ricardo Carlos Manoso. Forever.

October 9…1100

Babe. She's so fucking unbelievable. I didn't even know she wrote in here until I opened the book a few minutes ago. I wasn't going to write today. I just wanted to look at it, but when I read what she wrote I knew I wanted to add to it.

Those words above are some of the most beautiful I've ever read, because I know she meant them all. She told me the same thing, time and time again over the last day. And finally, after an agonizing night, I allowed myself to believe her.

I know, I wasn't planning to tell her any of it until we were at home, but I think it was better this way. At least for me. I don't think adding all the stress of home onto myself would have helped me at all. Here, alone with Steph I can think, I can breathe, I can relax, and just focus on us. At home I have to divide myself up. Part of my focus is always on RangeMan, part is on the safety of my men, part is on the safety of Steph, and another part is taken up by keeping myself locked down into Ranger mode. After that there isn't a lot left for anything else, including my personal life.

I always thought that spreading myself around, to take care of my responsibilities, was what kept me going. It gave me purpose. But I wonder if it just fed my obsessive need to control everything and everyone around me. I think it did. Focusing on those things certainly took over my life until there was no room for anything else. There was no part of me left to focus on myself. And that was alright before. It was what I preferred, because I didn't want to think about who I was.

I didn't give a second thought to what would make me happy, because I didn't think I deserved to enjoy my life. I focused on keeping myself safe enough to do my job properly. That's the only reason I could use to rationalize putting effort toward keeping myself safe. I didn't want to think I was doing it for me, but for the people depending on me to protect and defend them. It wasn't a lie, I took that job very seriously. I didn't want to let anyone down again, including myself. But still, in the back of my mind there was the small thought that serving others might help me when I reached Heaven's gate. I guess I didn't think I deserved happiness in this life, but I hoped by doing good things for others now it would give me a desirable afterlife. Really, it was all I could hope for, even if it was a long shot.

But something happened over the last month. I started to see how much more there was to life. I was missing out on so much happiness by not enjoying the time I had left on Earth. That was all because of Steph.

She was always the one person that made me question my choices. Right from the start she made me want more than I let myself believe I deserved. As the years moved on, she brought me so much happiness and joy and love. I never experienced anything like what she did to me. She made me feel. She made me hope. She made me love.

Those were the reasons I could never let her go. It was like she was this shining ball of hope in my otherwise dark life. Even when I didn't want to, she made me think that maybe, someday, we could have some sort of happiness together. She gave me a reason to keep hoping and praying that God would give me some sort of sign that he accepted all that I had done to patch up my darkened soul.

As I laid in bed last night, watching her sleep like I had so many nights before, I touched her curls and smiled as I thought they looked like a wild, crazy halo around her beautiful face. A perfect halo for my wild, crazy little angel. That's when the wind blew the curtain open and the moonlight fell over her face, lighting it just a little. As I looked at her, I thought about all the times she brought me solace and peace. I'd been calling her my angel to Ben for years, but last night was the first time I realized she really was sent from heaven.

She was my sign. She had to be. God must have forgiven me on some level if he gave me one of his greatest treasures. Somehow, for some reason, he brought us together. She had been what I was waiting for all these years, but I couldn't see it until I started to forgive myself. I know they always say the Lord works in mysterious ways. I didn't know what that meant before, but I think this qualified.

That's why I really started to reevaluate my life this morning. The company was running smoothly. My team was a well-managed machine that could be run by my management team just as well as it could be run by me. And I think my friends would be proud of me for making some changes.

I want to step away from the business a little. Then I could focus on being the CEO, not a micro-manager. I had men that could do that for me. I want to trust them to have one another's backs. I owe them that much, they never gave me a reason not to trust them. I just had to figure out how to give up some of that control. I knew it'd be hard, but Stephanie was worth trying for.

I want to take her somewhere we are both safe and comfortable. Somewhere without all the pain and history that Trenton has. I know, I haven't spoken to her about it, but I will. And if she doesn't want to move with me, that's alright. I will stay wherever she wants too. I just think it'd be a good place to start in rebuilding our lives together, fresh.

Our lives. That was another thing I'd been thinking about all night. She is right. We belong together and nothing is standing in our way any longer. I am ready for more. I am ready to show her just how in this relationship I am.

That's why I called Tank this morning and made a lot of special arrangements for her birthday. I'm going to make it special for her, for us. I want this weekend to be perfect, just like her. I think the hard part will be keeping it a secret.

My tight lipped days are over. I've been babbling to her like a teenaged girl without a filter. I thought it, I said it. She probably thought I was going crazy, but it was like once the seal was broken I couldn't stop the flow. I'd been holding myself back from her all these years, when I'd wanted to do anything but. Now I didn't have to do that.

I don't know what possessed me to give her my journal yesterday. She'd been so upset about my weird behavior that I had to tell her what was going on in my head. I couldn't allow her to think it had anything to do with her. I couldn't find words. I couldn't just tell her everything, so I handed her this book and let her read it all.

I figured it would be a good starting point. She'd get the barebones version of my time in the military and if she survived reading that, then I'd give her the rest of it. I'd been about ninety percent sure she'd walk away after I told her everything about that night, but she didn't.

She held me and comforted me while I told her about the worst night of my life. Then she told me she loved me. I didn't believe her. I thought she was still processing everything and she'd change her mind when it all finally registered.

But we went up to bed and just held one another. Honestly, I was afraid to let go of her. I should have known better though. Stephanie wouldn't leave me hurting the way I was. I couldn't deny how much love there was in her eyes or how much she cared about me, it was right there in all her actions.

We talked about my PTSD treatment, the rest of my time in the military, Julie, Tank, the day Marcus was shot while pushing me to safety, all of it, everything. I felt completely stripped bare, raw, and exposed in a way I never had before. I'd spoken about the events, but I'd never spoken about my emotions in regards to those events before. Not even to Ben.

Part of me was so angry with myself for sharing it with her. I didn't think she'd ever look at me the same again. I thought she'd see me as weak for voicing my fears and crying, fucking crying, in front of her…twice. But she didn't. She just held me, kissed me, and told me that she thought I was brave and strong. She promised to stand by me and help me work through it all.

I wanted to believe her, more than anything, but I still had my doubts. Then she started to tell me about the way she felt when she'd killed Alpha. She described the way she felt when she witnessed the Slayers run down by the bus and Orin blown up in her apartment. She told me about the fear, guilt, and anxiety she felt when she'd found Lula raped, when Val was kidnapped, when Morelli was shot and locked in a freezer, when I was shot and stabbed and targeted by terrorists.

That's when I knew, on some level she did understand what I had gone through. There was no way we could compare our situations, but the end feelings were the same. Our reactions to them weren't even very different. We both closed ourselves off, pushed others away, and tried to deny our pain. It finally occurred to me that she wasn't blind or in denial about what I'd told her. She really did understand me and she loved me, no matter what. Just like I did her.

So I agreed to work on forgiving myself. Hell, I had to. I wanted her to forgive herself for everything she'd gone through. I could at least give it a try too. I just never thought I'd find myself letting go of it so easily. It was like sharing it with her lessened all that guilt and pain significantly. Accepting her love and understanding soothed what pain was left.

We drove into town late last night and got ourselves big, greasy bar burgers and French fries. I told her it wasn't a temple day, but honestly that shit was like comfort food to me. I wanted the fat and the carbs, though that's one secret I'm keeping from her. Then we came back home and collapsed into a food coma.

Like I said, she fell asleep, but I watched her and thought long and hard about our future. The conclusion I came to was so vastly different that where I'd been a month ago. I'm going to love that woman every day for the rest of my life and she's never going to doubt for a moment that she's loved, cared for, and protected. Just the way I'm never going to doubt the depth of her feelings and the power of her love again.

Forever, Babe, I promise too.