I Shouldn't Feel This Way

Emy is afraid to confront her feelings

Emy woke up the next morning to an empty bed. She got up slowly and walked out of the bedroom.

"Sara?' She called out, groggy with sleep.

"We're in the kitchen!" Sara's voice sounded sweet but her words sent a pang of feeling into Emy's chest.

She walked into the living room and saw them in the kitchen. Tegan was leaning against the counter, her back to Emy, as her eyes followed everything Sara was doing. Sara was putting coffee grounds into a filter, trying to get the perfect amount.

"Good morning." Emy's tone was flat.

Sara turned around and smiled at her, mistaking flat toned for sleepy, "Good morning babe!"

Hearing Sara great her so happily warmed her just a little, but overall she still felt…jealous over the fact that Tegan was the one who woke up with Sara. She didn't know why it bothered her so much. Tegan had spent the night before and always woke up before she did. Seeing her and Sara in the kitchen together wasn't a new thing, but the knowledge of their affection for each other wasn't there the previous times.

"Good morning Emy." Tegan wasn't as enthusiastic. Perhaps she had correctly interpreted Emy's greeting, or perhaps she was just afraid of how Emy was handling the situation.

Emy tried her best to smile; this situation was, after all, her doing.

"What do you want for breakfast Emy?" Sara's question brought Emy's focus away from Tegan.

"I wouldn't mind eggs and toast." This time she actually did smile, relaxing as Sara put in an effort to pay more attention to her than to Tegan, "And bacon if we have it."

"Okay!" Sara was cheerier than normal for eight in the morning, but Emy reasoned that that was because she no longer had to hide what she felt for her twin.

"I'm going to go shower," Tegan spoke as she walked away from the kitchen, stopping as she passed Emy and whispering, "If you need to, you know, talk about last night with Sara or anything…"

"Thanks Tegan." Emy half smiled as she spoke.

"Be back in a bit!" Tegan walked off toward the bathroom.

Emy sighed and headed into the kitchen to talk to her girlfriend.

"About last night," She raised a finger to keep Sara from interrupting, "I'm not mad or anything. It's just that when I saw you guys kissing I felt jealous, but that wasn't all I felt."

"Oh?" Sara prompted, not wanting Emy to change her mind and back out of telling her whatever it was she had hinted at the night before.

"Yeah, I, uh," Emy looked down, not wanting to make eye contact, "I also had very…pleasant…feelings about it. Part of it was that I thought it was 'hot' that you guys were making out," Emy glanced up and noticed Sara's eyebrows rose, "But I also felt something toward Tegan. When I saw her kissing you I thought back over some of the times we've spent together. I realized that I think I may feel the same way toward Tegan as I do you; maybe not as intense of feelings, but definitely the same kind, and that terrifies me."

"I don't think you should be scared," Sara placed a hand on Emy's shoulder as she spoke, "We're kind of a package deal. You liking both of us isn't surprising. I should be the one terrified over liking Tegan, not you. You are a fantastic person, and liking two people at once doesn't make you any less so."

"But isn't that wrong?" Emy looked up at Sara and could see the smile in Sara's eyes.

"I don't think so." Sara spoke with confidence and truth, "Maybe what you want is some sort of polyamorous relationship. It would explain why you are so okay with me dating someone else while still dating you."

Emy took a second to think over what Sara said before replying, "That would explain it. Do you, do you think Tegan would be okay with that though?"

"I don't know," Sara planted a kiss on her cheek before adding, "We'll just continue with these date nights here, and we'll see if she develops the same feelings that you are having. I think I'd be okay sharing you with her and her with you."

"Really?" The confidence in Sara's voice as she spoke made Emy feel just a little better about how she felt.

"Really," Sara pulled her in for a quick kiss, "Now I'm going to make you some breakfast."

Emy stood there mulling over her thoughts and feelings while she waited for breakfast. She wasn't prepared, mentally, for Tegan's sudden appearance. Tegan walked into the kitchen wearing a wife-beater and boxers, wet hair hanging somewhat messily over her ears and clinging slightly to the back of her neck. She wondered what Tegan would look like in the shower…Emy quickly looked away, her cheeks burning pink with embarrassment at her thoughts.

"That was a quick shower." Sara commented as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"I didn't feel like washing my hair," Tegan mussed her hair as she spoke, "Too much work."

"Yeah, it's just so hard to put shampoo and conditioner in." Sara rolled her eyes and took a sip of her coffee.

"I'm glad you agree Sasa." Tegan winked at her.

Emy didn't appreciate Tegan's playful mood. It made her own feelings harder to push back; back to the furthest parts of her mind. Instead, they blared at the forefront, not allowing her to ignore them. She glanced up and caught Sara's eye, and Sara clearly could tell that Emy was struggling.

"Coffee Emy?" Sara gave her a big, cheesy grin, "You look like you could use some."

Emy smiled and nodded, "Thanks."

Sara grabbed a mug and poured Emy a cup of coffee. Emy grabbed it and began drinking immediately, needing something to occupy her other than her thoughts of Tegan.

"You look good Sara." Tegan smiled as she looked her sister over.

"Thanks." Sara breathed out as she blushed at the compliment.

Tegan turned and saw Emy, "I'm sorry Emy, I hope that didn't bother you."

Emy looked up from her coffee and was greeted by a look of genuine concern on Tegan's face. She wished she could just say 'Yeah, don't say that again in front of me' but she couldn't. Truth is, it didn't bother her…at all.

"It's fine." Emy mumbled while her brain continued its never-ending processing of her emotions. Was that feeling there jealousy? Or was it, in fact, quite the opposite? Was she upset about Tegan's affectionate compliment or did she just wish Tegan would say that about her as well?

"Emy?" The way Tegan spoke sounded as if she had been repeating the name over and over in an attempt to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" Emy tried to shake her thought process away for now.

"You just seemed sort of…out of it." Tegan's lips were twisted into a half grin, "It was cute." She winked at Emy and chuckled softly.

Emy tried laughing along, as if the words she just heard hadn't made her scared and happy. She finished drinking her coffee in a hurry and gave Sara a quick kiss on the cheek before walking out of the kitchen and back to the bedroom.

She closed the door behind her, but she just stood there. After a few minutes of standing, thoughts racing, she heard a light knocking at the door.

"Emy?" It was Sara, "Can I come in?"

Emy didn't respond. She just turned around and opened the door for her girlfriend.

"Are you okay honey?" Sara went to place an arm around her but she moved out of the way.

"No," Emy shook her head, "I'm not okay. I have feelings for Tegan. I'm in love with you but I have feelings for your sister. Your twin sister. I'm fucked up Sara." Emy continued to shake her head as she felt the tears well in her eyes.

"You aren't fucked up Emy," Sara almost laughed as she spoke, "You like two people. Two identical twins. I'm pretty sure that's fairly normal. I'm the one in love with my own sister. You aren't fucked up Emy, I am."

Emy looked up and wiped the tears from her eyes, "You aren't fucked up Sara. You are perfect."

"Thank you, but I am at least a little messed up." She grinned before kissing her girlfriend, "Now, do you want to tell Tegan how you feel? Or do you want to hide your feelings and just see how things develop?"

"Both."

"Emy…" Sara stumbled over her tongue, looking for the right thing to say.

"No," Emy spoke affirmatively, confusing Sara for a few seconds, "I can't tell her. Let's just hang out in the living room all day instead. We can just all cuddle up and read or watch a movie or…or…I don't know what. But we'll find something to do. Together."

"Okay." Sara smiled her beautiful reassuring smile and turned to leave the room.

"Ask what Tegan wants to do," Emy spoke quietly, "I know you'll want to do whatever she wants, and I think I do to…"

"Okay," Sara looked back over her shoulder and smiled, "I'll ask her."

As soon as the door closed Emy grabbed her sketch pad. She looked back at that abstract piece of buzzed artwork. It wasn't as obvious to her sober, but this mess of emotions still showed her things. Maybe she was just crazy, maybe she hadn't drawn her emotions at all and she just saw what she wanted to see. She didn't know, all she knew was that something about that drawing reminded her too much of Tegan. Those lines and obscure faces she had drawn were Tegan and Sara to her. And they weren't just sisters in that piece of art. They were girlfriends. Lovers. A couple. But she hadn't drawn a couple of lovers, she had drawn the two people that she wanted. Wanted for her own. And she could still see that. This messed up bundle of emotions that had guided this drawing had lead her to the realization, last night, that she had feelings for Tegan. And that was evident more so now than the night before.