Chapter 15:
through thick and thin

"You haven't touched your food, won't you tell me what's wrong already?" Kiba sat across from me at a diner near the school that looked like it had been there ages. The tiles on the floor were an off-white with dirt still embedded in between each tile, I stared down at it until I realized Kiba had asked a question.

He was eating fries, dipping them in an overwhelming amount of ketchup, and drinking a coke. I had decided to come here thinking food would cheer me up, he had no trouble eating in any situation, but sadly I felt sick.

After bumping into Kiba, I desperately drove away from the school trying to put a positive spin to all that I saw back there, but I just couldn't. The thought of Naruto staring at her was eating me alive, I kept telling myself that maybe he was just as surprised to see her sitting there as I was, but my jealousy was an unstoppable parasite. I was desperately trying to hold on to the good memories of Naruto, which only made me tear up, making things worse.

I heard Kiba sigh in frustration and dropped the fry he had between his fingers, "If it's about Naruto then I don't see how you guys are working out."

"What do you mean?" I immediately replied, confused and a bit angry at what he was saying. Although I couldn't refuse there was some truth to it.

"I get that you guys are really into each other, but what good does it do to be in a relationship, crazy in love with someone, only to constantly cry over trivial shit." He didn't sound mean or offensive, he continued to eat his fries mid sentence, nonchalantly as always.

"But I saw him staring at Sakura like nothing happened, as if he never forgot about what he had with her! Of course I'm gonna be upset, but it doesn't mean I don't think he's worth it, because he very much is."

"Then prove it and talk to him about what you saw."

"I can't, I was spying on Sakura to begin with and I don't want to upset him. I know how hurt he is by her."

"See, that's your problem, Hina. You're too nice. I bet he's doubting himself because you're giving him room to doubt. You gotta be assertive and tell him it's either hot or cold, he can't just love you both, you gotta put yourself first sometimes."

I bit my lip quietly. He had a good point.

He sighed again and offered me a fry, which I took with a bit of hope in my mind, eating it silently.

"And I know it's harsh, but I'm looking out for you. From my perspective, I think you're giving up on yourself too easily. You're gorgeous, smart, funny, and so many more things, I don't think it's fair for you to think any less of yourself. Like I said, be assertive, but don't downgrade yourself to be at a man's will. Don't let him take you for granted."

His words struck close to home. I knew just what he meant, it was a passing thought I considered every now and then, but I lack self esteem so I brushed it off. He rubbed my hand and smiled, giving me another fry and I started to feel his warm attitude stick to me like gum; however, I frowned, thinking of all the time missed since I last spoke to my closest friend.

"I'm sorry we barely talk anymore...it's been a very hectic time lately with school all the drama and school."

"It's okay. I understand." He smiled.

After hanging out for some time at the diner I drove Kiba home and continued on my own. It had started to rain just as I predicted when I stepped out of my house earlier, making the road hard to see, so I slowed down to a safe speed. The windshield was soaked and I was starting to get nervous, I wasn't used to driving my dad's car and in such terrible weather. The spring showers were heavy in Konoha, much like the Indian monsoons, making it the most dangerous time of the year to drive. My palms grew sweaty on the steering wheel that I was gripping for dear life, as if squeezing any more than I was would assure my safety.

As I neared the turn into my street I could see the headlights of a car approaching, I didn't think any of it, but as they neared closer, I realized these headlights were straight ahead of me, in my lane. I felt a cold sweat cover my entire body, my hands trembled in a panic, turning the wheel slightly as I tried to think fast. I wondered if the driver knew they were in the wrong lane, but before I could even finish my thought everything turned white.

I felt a sudden sting all over my body that only lasted for a second and dissipated. My body became numb, I didn't know where I was or what happened. Then all these thoughts and memories came pouring in short flashes.

I thought about my dad, about how worried he would be if I didn't make it home on time. I thought about my mother, who was probably getting dinner ready while Hanabi made her laugh and smile with her curiosity and funny, sly comments. Then I thought about Kiba's smile, his canine teeth that stuck out more than the rest and his shrunken eyes that wrinkled closed when he beamed at me.

I could see Naruto's hand holding mine so tightly. I saw his blue eyes staring down at me and the bright twinkle in them as he mischievously grinned and laughed. I saw the moment when we first met and the moment when we sat in a boat in the middle of the lake, sharing childhood memories. Everything was going by so fast, I barely struggled to keep up, and it made my head hurt.

Along with the flashes, I could hear distinct whispers every now and then. There were different voices, but all were familiar. Suddenly, the white turned to a pitch black, a darkness that I never imagined possible, and everything was silent, As I stared into the black void, I wondered what I did to deserve this. Maybe God decided my time was up. I only wished He would've given me time to say goodbye to the people I loved. Then I thought, "what if it's up to me?"

What if I had the choice to stay or go? I know my family loves me and they would be hurt if I decided to leave this world, but I've lived a life of self doubt and frustration, and I never understood why I hated myself so much, or why I scrutinized every little detail of myself until there was nothing left of me. When I look back at my life, my trajectory, from the days my parents held me as a baby to just a few hours ago when my dad was skeptic about lending me the car (with good reason), I'm not very happy or impressed, I'm rather sad.

I don't think I'll ever understand what Naruto saw in me, either. But I bet he'd be just as hurt to know I'm gone, that I chose the easy way out. He would think I'm a coward.

I thought about it for hours. I waged both outcomes in a sad attempt to tell myself I should stay, thinking about everyone's reaction when I open my eyes again. But so far, as hard as I tried, I couldn't feel my eyelids enough to open them. The doctors knew I was alert, but I was stuck in a sort of limbo, listening to others and being fed from a tube like a baby still in the womb.