**Thank you all for the nice reviews on the last chapter. I honestly don't think it's possible to completely fix either Ranger or Steph and all they have going on, so I'm not going to try to have it all perfect when this story ends. I just want to get them to a spot where they accept their strengths and weaknesses and are well on their way to an almost always happily ever after. I have a few more things to address before this ends, but we're almost there. Let me know what you think, thanks.**

October 15…3 pm

I had another nightmare last night, which left me more pissed off than anything else. Except confused. I was really confused.

I had such a good day yesterday and an even better evening last night with Ranger. I wasn't thinking about Scrog or the assault or any of the feelings that went along with it at all. I fell asleep happy and in love, with my thoughts completely focused on Ranger. So what the hell caused me to dream again? Especially since I'd been fine for the last couple weeks?

That's exactly what I asked Dr. Westin when I walked into his office today. Of course he didn't have the answer to that. There's no way to know how my brain is actually processing things, but dreams seem to be a big part of it. Which is normal, or so Dr. Westin assured me.

So I guess I'm normal, or normal for someone like me. It was just upsetting to think that no matter how well things are going or how happy I am, there is still a part of my mind that is focused on Scrog and what he did to me. It was even more upsetting to think that I'll never really get rid of him. He'll always be in my mind, even if I didn't know it, just waiting to bring me down again.

No, it was more than upsetting. It's what made the anger brew inside me until I thought it would burst. I hated it. I hated that he had any hold on me. I hated that he had control of me, even if it was only while I was asleep. I just hated it. I still hate it.

I want that piece of myself back. I want to be whole and in control of my own body, including my thoughts. I want him out of my head. I don't want to dream anymore. I just want to be able to let it all go without it coming back to hurt me out of the blue like that.

I wanted to stomp my feet, throw things, scream, anything really, but instead I just cried as all these weird contradictory thoughts filled my head. I hated that he saw the effect the dream had on me, but at the same time I knew I was lucky to have him there. While I was glad I wasn't alone during the nightmare this time, part of me still wished I could have spared Ranger from having to deal with all of it again. It just wasn't fair, to me or to Ranger. He shouldn't have to take care of me, but I'm glad he does. It was so confusing and it made me feel guilty for depending on him so much and even more guilty for causing him pain.

I woke him with my thrashing and crying, so he turned on the light and woke me. He did exactly what he was told to do: turn on the light, speak to me, and make sure his face was visible. Unfortunately his voice didn't bring me out of it, so he touched my arm to shake me, which caused me to punch him.

I didn't know it was him. I was still fighting Scrog in my dream and thought Ranger was him. It took a few minutes to come back to reality. By then, Ranger was standing on the floor next to the bed, speaking to me loudly. He made sure I knew it was him before he came back on the bed and pulled me into his arms. We were both wrecked.

We'd both hoped the dreams were over. We'd both thought I'd started to move on. I think we were both let down that it happened now, after everything we'd gone through. Or, at least that's what I thought. Ranger said he wasn't upset, but I could tell he was worried.

Between the worried look in his eyes and the red spot on his cheek, where I punched him, I could barely stand to look him. He didn't let me hide from him though. He made me tell him the details of the dream, so I'd remember enough of it to discuss it with my doctors.

That totally sucked too. I could tell it hurt him to listen to the details, but he wouldn't allow me to stop either. So I got it all out. The panic, the feel of Scrog's hands on my thighs, his fingers touching me, his bad breath on my face, the pounding rhythm against my body, the darkness inside that trunk, my mother's face looking down at me, her voice calling me a whore. It was too much.

I didn't want to remember it. I wanted to shut down again. I wanted to push Ranger away, because my crying wouldn't subside and I hated him seeing me like that again. But he wouldn't leave me alone. He just sat there for almost an hour, holding me, until the tears stopped and I just wanted to flop back down in exhaustion.

Eventually we did crawl back under the covers, but I didn't sleep. I didn't want to risk another dream, not so soon. I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep, because I didn't. Instead he started talking to me. He told me about his grandma, the one that lives in Miami. He described their house and the neighborhood they lived in. He told me about the guys he was friends in high school, one now works in finance at his Miami office while the others still live in the neighborhood. He told me about the girl he took to his junior prom. He said she was a cheerleader, with a huge chest.

I teased him about that, but he just shrugged and told me he only saw her a few times. He said she lacked personality. That told me about everything I needed to know about seventeen year old Ranger. I suppose I'm lucky his tastes have changed. I was not gifted with large breasts.

He thought that was funny. He ended up kissing my breasts, quite attentively as he told me how perfect they were. I was just starting to forget all my troubles when he grabbed my hips. I looked up into his eyes and he smiled at me. "I changed as I grew up, Babe, I'm much more of an ass man now," he told me. I slapped him and he laughed. "You have an amazing ass. You've no idea how often I'd just stare at it. Every time you bent over in front of me I just wanted to grab you and pull you back against me," he smirked when I hit him again.

"You're the ass. You're supposed to tell me I have a great personality," I told him.

He lifted an eyebrow at me and shook his head. "You do have a great personality, the best, perfectly suited to mine, but I'd never tell you that," he answered. This time I lifted my eyebrow at him and asked him why not. "Because you'd think I wasn't attracted to you," he told me.

I was going to argue, but he was right. The ridiculousness of the entire thing made me laugh, hysterically. It was catchy, because Ranger laughed too. I didn't stop until I was crying and gasping for air. Then he leaned in and kissed me. "I love you, Steph. Every part of you is perfect to me, don't forget that," he told me. He made me feel all gooey again, so I kissed him and told him I loved him too.

We snuggled back into bed until it was time for my doctor appointment. By then I was feeling better. The horrors of that dream had receded and Ranger brought me back to that special place we shared with his sweet words and his understanding, not to mention his jokes. It made me feel kind of hopeful, like maybe the dreams or memories or whatever they are, won't bleed over into the rest of my life and sully the good things if I don't let them.

After seeing Dr. Westin today I felt even better. He was very supportive of my decisions and the time I spent alone with Ranger. He thought our relationship was moving at a healthy pace and as long as it wasn't causing me stress there was no reason I should question myself about having sex with him, accepting him, marrying him, or whatever I chose to do. I guess having that reinforced by him helped me believe in myself a little more.

It also put into perspective the stress that I buried deep down inside myself about my parents. I told Dr. Westin about seeing my dad and speaking with my mom on the phone. Even though she didn't say anything cruel to me I felt like there was something off about the conversation. I couldn't trust that she really missed me. I was sure it was another of her pity games to try to lure me back in. Heck, I felt really guilty when I hung up the phone on her, whether I wanted to admit that or not. I wondered if that was part of her plan.

Dr. Westin told me I should listen to my instincts and Ranger agreed with him. He told me that my spidey sense was hardly ever wrong, so he doubted I was wrong about this. Unfortunately there was no real way for me to know without risking myself by seeing her and I wasn't about to do that.

Ranger told me that he'd get Dr. Westin's information to my family. Plus, he'd pay for everything. All they had to do was come to the appointments and work through their issues. That did make me feel a lot better.

I knew that Dr. Westin wouldn't fall for my mother's burg-mother-of-the-year crap. He wouldn't recommend me seeing her unless he believed she wasn't a threat against me. He would also know if she was really working toward fixing our relationship, Ranger would be informed if she didn't go to the appointments, and I'd have a clear answer without having to see her until I was ready.

I allowed them to take over that part of my appointment, planning things out. It was actually nice to be able to trust them to do that for me. It helped ease the stress I didn't know was there before then, but the more I spoke about my mother, the more apparent it was.

Dr. Westin did tell me that stress could be a trigger for the dreams. I already guessed that though. My mother was never part of those nightmares before. Seeing her face and hearing her words along with the panic and pain that the dream invoked should have been a dead giveaway, yet I didn't want to admit I was scared of her before that appointment.

I was scared of her though. I was scared she wouldn't get help and I'd lose my family, all of them. And I was scared that she really would get help and I'd have to face her. I'd have to admit to what happened to me. I'd have to see her disappointment again. I'd hear her disapproval in her words again. She'd tell me it was my fault again. She'd hate me for telling anyone what happened. It'd embarrass her. Just like when I was a little girl and Joe touched me.

I felt like I was right back there. Six years old. Standing in her kitchen. Listening to her call me a whore. I couldn't shake the feeling that she'd blame me for all of this. Could I even argue with her? My choice of job had led me there. I chose to go with Scrog that night. I'd planned it. In the back of mind I knew what happened was a real possibility, but I still did it.

Dr. Westin looked at me and knew exactly what was going on in my head. He told me straight out that nothing Joe or Scrog had done to me was my fault. He asked me to dial back and remember that I was the victim and the victim was never to blame. But I wasn't so sure. I did have a choice that night and I went to him, willingly. And the awful thing is, I'd do it again if I had to.

Ranger wasn't about to let that one go. He asked me why I went and why I'd go back. That was easy, to save Julie. He asked me why that was important. That was easy too. Scrog was crazy. He would have hurt her, maybe killed her. I couldn't let him do that. If I could help I would. She is his daughter and in a weird way I felt partially responsible for her. I cared for her before we even met, because I love him.

Then he said it wasn't my fault. We had a plan. I went in fully protect, or at least I thought I was. He was the one that underestimated Scrog and allowed me to be taken away. I immediately argued telling him it wasn't his fault. He stared back at me and asked whose fault it was. That was easy too. Scrog's. Ranger agreed with a smile, "Not me, not you, Scrog."

Dr. Westin was startled by the way we talked that through together, but he seemed really pleased. To me, it was just how we are together. At least now. There aren't any secrets between us. We can easily see what the other is thinking or feeling. That is a wonderful thing pared with our love. We balanced one another.

Then Ranger told him that he told me everything while we were away. I wasn't sure how much Dr. Westin knew, but he seemed startled by that too. Ranger just smiled at him and shrugged, "All of it, Ben. She knows all of it." Dr. Westin regained his composure and asked him how he felt about that. Ranger smiled at me and took my hand. "I think I'm the luckiest man in the world to have her in my life. I think I lived through everything so I could come home to her and be the man she needs. I think she's my proof that my soul isn't damned," he said very seriously.

Dr. Westin's mouth dropped open as he stared at us, then he softly cursed, "Well, fuck me." He apologized almost immediately, but the stunned smile wouldn't slip off his face. Then he told me that I did something that ten years and numerous doctors couldn't. I got through his shields and opened him up to forgiveness.

I didn't think that was right though. He opened himself to me and invited me in. I didn't fight him to make him share with me. He did that all on his own. I couldn't take credit for that. That was Ranger's hard earned victory over his own demons. I just promised to love him without exception.

Again, Dr. Westin was stunned. He finally admitted that he thought going away would set back my progress, but he was wrong. What we needed was each other's support and clearly we both received that, in spades.

Dr. Westin said the support we give each other would need to strengthen even more now that we were home with the environmental factors added in. He told me to trust my inner voice and to discuss what I was feeling with Ranger. I knew that wouldn't be too hard to do, it was more breaking the habit of denial that kept me from doing it without thought now.

He also told me to let Ranger take some of the stress away. He asked me to let Ranger handle the situation with my parents. He could be the go between until I felt safe speaking with them again. That sounded reasonable and a lot less scary.

And finally, he told me to sit down with Ranger before bed. To discuss everything that was weighing on my mind, tell him if I was feeling anxiety or stress so we could work out a solution that helped me deal with it. He also said I could work on some sort of meditation or yoga before bed to easy my stress. He warned that the nightmares were still a good possibility, but taking away the added stress could reduce them or even eliminate them again, like they had been while we were away.

So now that I've had time to think about it, I guess I've accepted that my fight against this may never fully go away, but I wasn't giving up. I'd never give up, because that really would be letting Scrog win. Moving on and living despite the pain that resurfaced from the dreams and memories was the only way I had to fight back. No matter how much I hated that he was in my head I had to remember he couldn't control me unless I let him. And I wouldn't.

I had an incredible relationship with a man that truly loves me, scars and all. I'm not about to let the darkness Scrog left behind ruin that for me. My happiness isn't an illusion when I'm with Ranger. I can have a good life despite my past, just like Ranger can. We can do it together, and we will. No one and nothing will ruin that for us, especially not me. I may be hurt, but I'm not defeated. I'll never be defeated.