**So this is my last Ranger written chapter. I have one more Stephanie chapter before I let this go for now. I just wanted to once again thank you all for your support throughout this journey. Your reviews and PM's have touched me and helped me get through the darkness of this story. It's been ugly on this side of the screen, but you've kept me going and I really do appreciate it. Thank you so much. (Now maybe I can catch up on all the new stories that have been posted on here. I didn't want to distract myself from this beast.)**
I thought I was done writing in this journal, but I figured by writing this part of my journey down it would complete the story of my metamorphosis. Who knows, maybe someday, when I'm dead and gone, my kids will find it and read the story. Maybe they'll see how I almost gave up on life, how Stephanie saved me, how by some miracle of God I was given a second chance for a life with her, with them. Maybe it'll give them hope. Maybe it'll prove to them that they can overcome anything for the person they love.
God, I can't believe I've allowed myself to think that way, but I have. I'm a hopeless, fucking, romantic…and I wouldn't change it for the world. Steph's brought out a part of me that's been buried so deeply I didn't know it existed anymore. I'm glad I found it again. I like that I can be tender and sensitive when I'm with her. It doesn't make me feel any less strong or masculine, actually, I think it's the exact opposite. She makes me feel more like a man than I ever have.
I can take care of her, be strong for her, protect her, love her and I can allow her to do the same for me. It's incredible. She's incredible. She's so strong, not only is she battling her own issues, but she's taken on mine. She's my rock. I know I would have never made it through yesterday without her.
After coming home from vacation I sunk back into work, though I made sure I was still making myself available to Steph. I didn't want to accidently shut her out again. Especially after she had a few minor setbacks with some nightmares after speaking with her family. But she's been holding her own. She's been going to her sessions and doing what she needs to get through it all.
So have I. I've been going, not only to our couple's sessions, but I'm still seeing Ben one-on-one to deal with my PTSD. After the initial shock of hearing that I told Steph everything about what happened to me that night in the mountains, Ben really dug into my issues at our sessions.
The emotions and memories that were brought to the surface during my sessions went so much deeper than the pain I divulged to Steph at the cabin. I had to really fight my desire to bury that back inside myself, but in the end I opened up to him. I had to. I needed to heal, for us.
If that meant I had to suffer through some of the pain in the reliving of that night, then so be it. It wasn't like I never relived it before anyway. At least this time it was in a medical setting with what I hope will be positive outcomes in the long run, not locked in my room, in the dark, staring at the gun in my hand like it's the answer to all my problems.
I don't want to be that man anymore and I'm not when I'm with Steph. Knowing she's here by my side has helped me more than she'll ever know, more than my words could ever tell her. I certainly feel like I'm borrowing her strength from time to time, but I suppose she feels the same way. Maybe that's what is so special about what we've found together. We really are whole when we're together, as a couple, in a way we'd never be alone.
That realization should have been scary, but it wasn't. I trust her in a way I've never trusted anyone else. She alone holds the power to hurt me, but I know she won't. She'd never turn me away or leave me again. She's given herself to me as completely as I've given myself to her.
She wears my ring as a symbol of that love and trust and someday I'll wear hers, with honor. I know she has a lot of healing to do before I add on the stress of planning a wedding, but I'm hoping it can be something simple. Just the two of us, and maybe Tank and Lula. But, honestly, I'll give her whatever kind she wants. Whenever she wants it. I'll wait as long as she needs.
Just like kids. I know she doesn't want to think about that yet and maybe she'll never be ready to have any, but part of me hopes she'll change her mind someday. I hope with time she'll see that she'll be nothing like her own mother, but I'll never push her. Honestly, I'll respect her decision completely if she decides she doesn't want to be a parent. I could never be upset or angry about that.
I get her hesitancy. I really do. The idea is terrifying when I think it through. It's only when I'm thinking of sharing our love with a tiny little person that we made together that I want it, any other time it crosses my mind it gives me heartburn. Okay, so I'm not ready yet either. I just want to keep that option open, for the distant future.
Maybe kids give dads heartburn all the time? I've been wondering, because the thought of Julie's been giving me heartburn too. Stephanie and I have been speaking about her, on occasion. Steph read what I wrote in this journal and she thinks I need to tell Rachel and Julie both exactly what was going on in my head, with my medical problems, and my duress. She wants me to reach out to see if I can forge a relationship with her beyond an annual supervised visit.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'd like to get to know her, but it's too late to be her dad. She has a dad and I can't complain about him. Ron has been a fantastic dad, better than I would have ever been. Hell, he loved her mom. That was certainly something I wouldn't have brought to the table. But I do love Julie, as much as I let myself away.
I've never allowed myself to get attached to anyone emotionally, aside from Steph. I'm scared to try with Julie. I don't know if she even wants me to try. How do I even explain any of this to a teenage girl? I have no idea, but even as I write this, and fight my indigestion again, I know I'll go see her next month when I'm in Miami. I could never stay away from her, even when I knew it was for the best. Maybe I'm not as unattached as I thought I was?
Maybe Julie's not either. She seems to enjoy our time together. I guess I'll just lay my cards on the table and accept whatever she decides. All I can be is thankful that she was raised right and turned out as wonderfully as she has. I'm glad part of me will live on in her and it always will. So if they don't want to give me a chance I'll thank Rachel for being a wonderful mother and I'll wish Julie the best. But if they let me in I won't walk away again. I'll be there for her in anyway she'll let me. Maybe I won't be her dad in the way Ron is, but she'll know I'm proud to be her father.
The hope for a chance with Julie is another reason I have to fight this trauma I've been dealing with. And it was another reason to do what I did yesterday. I did it for my girls, and for me.
I loaded Steph into the car and drove to Virginia. This time I got the car pass to Marcus's grave and that's where I drove. Steph held my hand as we sat in the car and looked over all the grave markers in front of us.
"If you're not ready we don't have to get out," she told me.
I knew that, but it was good to hear it. Still, I knew I had to do it. It was another thing I've been carrying around all these years. I needed to let it go, or at least start to. I didn't answer her, instead I got out of the car and walked over to the row and located his name carved into the white stone. I stared at it for a long time, unsure of what to do.
I'm not sure how long I stood there, but I finally sensed Steph behind me. She slipped her arms around my waist and pressed her face into my back. She just held me like that until I took her hands and moved her so she was standing next to me.
It was time.
"Hey, man, sorry it's been so long," I finally said as I knelt down on one knee. "I've been pissed off at you. I've hated you for doing what you did. I wished for a long time that I could have traded places with you. I couldn't understand why you would do what you did or how you could tell me that I was still needed. I didn't believe you. No one needed me," I whispered. I leaned closer and put my hand over his name. "That's Stephanie. Can you believe she's in love with me? Me neither, but she swears it's true. She says she needs me too and I believe her. I finally believe you. You must have known about her, maybe God told you about her. She's my angel, man. She's everything good and pure in this world and she loves me."
She dropped to her knees beside me and took my other hand in hers. I glanced over at her, she was weeping and looked about as beautiful as I'd ever seen her. "I wanted to come see you. I need to thank you for that day. I never did that before. I never allowed myself to be thankful for what you did and what you gave up for me. I am now. I'm so thankful, man. I don't hate being the one who lived anymore. I want to live. I want to honor the gift you gave me by enjoying what's left of my life. I'll live it for us both," I finished.
"Thank you for taking care of My Ranger that day. I love you for that. I'll take care of him and make sure he keeps his promises to you. We'll have a good life together," Stephanie sobbed.
I sat down and pulled her onto my lap. We held one another until her crying subsided. "You alright?" I asked her.
She nodded her head and kissed me. "I love you," she said, and that was all she needed to say. The rest was there in her face.
She knew from our previous talks that we were friends. He was probably one of the closest I had aside from the guys in my own unit. We instantly clicked, like we'd known each other our entire lives. There was just something about him. He was a good person. He was full of light and humor, even in the dark world we were living in. Maybe I liked being near him, because I liked that goodness. It made me feel good, not like some evil monster, if only for a short time. But it didn't last.
We were on one of many joint recovery missions we ran with his Seals squad, but this one went wrong. Everything got fucked. A sniper had me marked. I didn't notice, but he saw something, pushed me out of the way, and took the bullet.
I pulled him to cover and held him as he bled to death in my arms. I yelled at him and begged him not to die, but he knew he was going to die. He told me so. He also told me that he felt compelled to do it, that I was a good man and it wasn't my time yet. I was still needed. I argued with him. I didn't want another death on my hands, especially someone I called my friend, my brother. But he pulled that fucking hat off his head and told me to take it and remember that I needed to be more aware of my surroundings. Those were his last fucking words.
I hated those words, yet somehow, after I met Steph those words had become my mantra. I was always aware of my surroundings, and hers. Right from the start I felt like she had been brought into my life so I could protect her. I spouted those same words back at her time and time again, practically begging her to be safer.
Even at the beginning I was too invested in her to walk away. I didn't want to hold her as she bled to death. I couldn't allow that to happen. Maybe that's when I should have realized I'd fallen in love with her. I just wasn't smart enough to realize it at the time.
Now I think it's all been part of the plan. All this time, everything that's happened has been leading me down this path to her. Our relationship has been my fate all along. It's the only thing that makes sense. And it's enough for me. I don't need to look for anymore answers. I have the one I need. I have Stephanie.
As we drove home last night, she snuggled in the passenger seat looking at me. "I'm proud of you, Ranger," she finally told me and I think I got that same dopey smile she always gets when I say it to her.
The funny thing was, I was proud of me too. I had finally faced all my demons, with her by my side. Letting go of my anger toward Marcus was the last thing I'd held onto. The only thing that kept me feeling like a monster.
I was free of that pain and regret. I felt lighter than I had in, well, I don't know, probably since I was a little kid. I knew there was only one more thing I had to do before I could really go on with my life and focus fully on my recovery and my future.
When I got home I went to see Tank. I needed to thank him too. The words were never spoken between us before and they needed to be, even if he knew I loved him he needed to hear it.
I took Steph up to the apartment and told her I wanted to see Tank before bed. I think she knew, so she just kissed me good night and headed to bed. I drove over to Tank's place and settled on the couch. I told him about the trip and everything I'd been feeling when I got there. He let me speak. He just listened and nodded along.
"I hated you too, for a long time. I was pissed you saved me," I finally said.
"I know, but I don't give a shit," he told me.
"Thank you," I answered, suddenly unsure how to say all the things I was feeling.
"Shit," he said getting up to get a beer. "I need to be drunk if you're going to kiss me."
I followed him into the kitchen and took the beer out of his hand. "No fucking way, you need to be sober for this one my friend," I teased, then I grabbed him and hugged him. And kissed his cheek, just to fuck with him. "You're never getting another one of those."
"Shit, that's too bad. You got real soft lips, Ranger," he sighed.
"Fucker," I laughed and punched him in the gut.
He laughed as he picked his beer back up, "You know I love you like a little brother. I always have. I'd do anything for you," he told me honestly.
"I know. I love you too, even if I never say that again either," I answered.
"Good, I don't want to hear it again," he agreed.
"I just needed you to know that you're my hero. You saved me so many times I've lost count. And I'm thankful for what you did, for having you in my life," I finally told him.
"Jesus, you don't have to thank me," he sighed again. "I'm glad you're happy. I knew from the moment I met her that she was the one for you. You should have listened to me when I told you that, repeatedly."
I shrugged, what could I say. He did tell me that, repeatedly. "Thank you for taking care of Steph too," I added.
"Anytime," he agreed. "Now, when you're done changing your tampon, you want to challenge me? I've got Call of Duty up on the TV here?"
We played for a few hours before I headed back home. I was glad I got out what I had to, even if it made him uncomfortable. Though I have a new bruise on my shoulder that I earned by telling him that he should see Dr. Westin for some feelings training while he's on vacation this week. I knew that'd piss him off.
Anyway, when I got home Steph was lying in bed reading. She said she couldn't sleep without me, which suited me fine. I needed to hold her and kiss her and sink myself inside her body before going to sleep. And I did.
Surprisingly, as emotional as the day was I didn't have any of my nightmares last night. Normally, just thinking about him triggers a response, but there was no dream. Nothing. I didn't see that bullet hit him. I didn't hear his voice. I didn't see his eyes lose life. Nothing.
Maybe my subconscious was ready to let it go too. I hope so, because I have so many happier things to focus on now. The most important being Stephanie and how I'm going to love her better than any man has ever loved any woman, for the rest of our lives.