October 26…5pm
It feels kind of weird to be writing in here. I've been spending the end of each evening sharing my feelings with Ranger, like Dr. Westin suggested I do. So I guess I just haven't needed to write anything down lately, but I thought today might be a good day to go back to it. Especially since my head is filled with all these weird emotions I'm trying to make sense of and Ranger's tied up at work.
Not that my life has gotten crazy or anything, it's actually been relatively quiet, normal. We've slipped back into life at RangeMan seamlessly. Ranger's been in the office a lot over the past week. I know he has a lot of work to catch up on after being away, so I've tried to stay out of his hair the best I can, but he doesn't let me. At least not for long.
Aside from breaking free for our therapy sessions, he's come up for lunch and dinner each day. Lunch is an hour, alone, with his phone turned off, if I'm home. Dinner, however, has no time limit, but he does have to be available for emergency calls and has been going back to work for a few hours in his home office afterward.
I know he feels guilty about putting so much of his own work on Tank and Lester while we were gone, but he assures me they've always been set up to run that way. They had to be able to function without him when he was leaving for out of town jobs regularly. Still, it's sweet that he cares. He even gave them both a week off and has been running things with Hal while they're gone.
He says that when they get back from vacation they're going to split the workload more evenly. He's going to take a step back and slow down so we have more time together. I didn't think that was necessary. Obviously I'll love him no matter how much he works and I'd never be put off by him doing his job, but he says he wants to do it. He wants to spend more time with me. So I'm not going to argue about it. I'm just going to enjoy our time together, especially the evenings.
Every night is like a special little date night, regardless of staying in or going out. He makes the simplest things special. From just cuddling on the couch to taking me out for frozen yogurt, it's the way he smiles and focuses all his attention on me that makes me melt inside. Oh, and the way he looks at me and holds me, oh boy. He makes me feel so loved and cherished. It's incredible. He's incredible.
He's also been completely relaxed and comfortable with me, in way I've never imagined possible. I've actually been able to see the change in him. I had no idea how much of his personality he'd kept to himself before. Maybe he didn't either, I don't know. It's interesting though. It's not like he's a different person or anything. He's more like my engagement ring, the more I look at it the more facets I see and it just makes the whole more beautiful.
Since coming back from vacation I've been noticing little signs of Ranger popping up in the apartment where there had been no signs of him before. He's been reading books that aren't electronic and even bought a shelf, which he put in his home office. He's also brought home little gifts I couldn't have imagined him shopping for either, like a digital photo keychain for me that was loaded with photos of both just him and the two of us together.
He's also been playing music a lot, and not just the classical stuff. I've caught him singing along more than he'd probably admit too, but he has an incredible voice, unlike me, so he shouldn't hide it. Not that he complains about my eavesdropping. He just smiles when he catches me, then he grabs me and dances me around the apartment, which usually ends up in the bedroom, or on the couch, or on top of the dining room table…so, um yeah, I'm forever looking to catch him singing. And maybe he's looking to be caught too. He is mischievous that way.
And I'm so completely in love with the man that I love his goofy Ranger-jokes and the naughty gleam he gets in his eyes before moving our lunch to the bedroom. I love snuggling on him while he watches his boring history channel shows and I love teasing him when he rolls his eyes at one of my Bill Murray comedies. I love that he gets this guilty little smirk when I catch him nibbling one of my Tastykakes, but won't admit he likes them. It's everything, and anything, he does that makes me fall more deeply in love with him. I'm convinced I'll never stop falling for him, just a little bit more each day. And that suits me just fine.
I know we'll always be a perfect fit. It's like he was made just for me or maybe I was for him, not that it matters. I'm just happy that we found the happiness together that we've both wanted for so long. That 'someday' he always alluded to has become our reality, and it's better than I ever imagined it could be. I'm so incredibly happy with him that I think it's leaked over into the rest of my life.
I think I'm more open to forgiveness and friendship than I have been since before Scrog hurt me too. I've started to let others back in, not everyone, I still know my limits, but some people are worth the risk of trusting and loving. I guess that's something Ranger's taught me along the way.
I've made an effort to get together with the girls a couple times a week, just to expand the limited circle I've been living in these last few months. But I realized today that being with them has helped heal me on another level too.
Connie joined Lula and me for breakfast today, then we went shopping. I guess part of me still wondered if I could trust Connie with the secret I shared with her, but she's kept it to herself. There were no burg rumors and no one takes a second look at me when I'm out in the neighborhood. That knowledge has given me the strength I needed to open up about my other feelings to them. And they're opening up to me in return.
I think we've really gotten know one another in a way we never have before. It's an incredible thing and something I didn't realize that I'd been missing. By taking a chance in trusting them I found true friendship again. I think having them as part of my life is almost as necessary as having Ranger next to me. I need those relationships. They ground me when I'm going off the rails and lift me up when I'm down. We support each other and love with conditions. They're my girls and I'm so thankful to have them in my life.
Now that things are comfortable with Connie and Lula, I guess the next step will be to come clean with Mary Lou when I see her next week. We've also agreed to get together for lunch weekly. She's been an essential part of my life and I've been missing her. I love her too much not to explain. I need her to understand why I have been absent in our friendship. It's not like I'm worried about her spreading rumors or judging me, she never has before. The only reason I haven't told her already was that I wanted our first conversation to be a good one. I saw her earlier in the week and told her about the engagement. Then we basked in my happiness. I didn't want to ruin our time together by bringing up the rape.
Besides telling Mary Lou will be a lot easier than it was to tell Joe today. Not that I had been planning to tell Joe, it just kind of happened. I was coming out of my group session and he walked out of the room across the hall. We kind of stared at one another for a minute before he gave me a nervous smile and pointed back over his shoulder at the door behind him.
"AA, ten days sober," he said with a shrug.
I nodded, though I was shocked he was there. "Were you drinking a lot?" I asked. I mean, I knew Joe drank, but it wasn't like he was drunk all the time. He couldn't be when he worked as much as he did.
He shrugged again. "I've been drinking every night for the last eighteen years. I kept the number under control when we were together, but being alone, well, I had nothing to keep me from drinking," he sighed and scrubbed his hand through his hair before speaking again. "I went into work under the influence. I'm on leave until I finish counseling. The AA was my idea. I don't want to be my dad. I never wanted to be like him."
I nodded this time and told him I was sorry he had problems at work, but wished him good luck on his recovery. I was walking off when he said my name, stopping me. "Steph. I'm sorry for the things I said to you. I know being drunk isn't an excuse, but I wouldn't have said those things to you if I hadn't been drinking," he apologized.
I wasn't sure what to say to that. I knew I could forgive him for his words. I knew Joe had problems, he has since he was a little kid. That didn't excuse his behavior, but he wasn't making an excuse. He was apologizing. I don't think he had ever done that before. "Don't ever call me a whore again, Morelli. You know I hate that word," I told him.
He nodded again. "I know you do. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back…"
"But you can't," I finished for him. I didn't even know what he wanted to take back. The game of choo choo? The Tasty Pastry? The poem he wrote after that night? Getting back together? The fights? The name calling? The cheating? Our entire relationship?
I read Ranger's journal. I knew about the proof he had that Joe was cheating with Terri. Three months ago that may have destroyed me, but it didn't now. Now it was just another disappointment in a long line of many. It was just another reason I knew Joe and I would never have any kind of relationship together again. It's hard to be friends with someone you can't trust. Unfortunately, he broke my trust one too many times. Hell, maybe I broke his too when I was with Ranger all those times. I guess it didn't matter, we were beyond repair.
As I looked at him all I felt was thankful. I was so happy to be out of that relationship. It made me appreciate what I found with Ranger so much more. Seeing Joe just cemented what I knew in my head all along, how unhealthy we had been together.
"I can't," he finally agreed. "Are you marrying Manoso?" he asked when he noticed the ring.
"Eventually, yes," I agreed. And that was true. I am going to marry him, but we're in no rush. We haven't even discussed a date. For right now I think we're just happy to be where we are. Maybe when we're settled and we've gotten to a place that we don't need constant therapy and he's completed his transition at RangeMan we'll plan the wedding. All I really know is that I want Tank and Lula there standing beside us, everything else is just logistics.
Joe nodded again. "Then Manoso isn't the one that hurt you?" he asked pointing to the door behind me. He obviously knew what type of meeting had been held in that room.
"No, he'd never hurt me," I answered.
He sighed deeply and nodded yes. "I know he wouldn't," he agreed.
We stood there staring at one another for a long minute. "It was Scrog. That night he took me," I finally told him.
That was all I needed to say. He put together the rest. He was there. He was with me the night Ranger was shot. He was with me two months later when I slept with him for the first time after I was raped. He held me while I cried afterward, even though I let him think it was just lingering nerves from the kidnapping. He was there through the mood swings, the weird break-ups, and the reckless behavior. He was there through everything.
I watched the emotions fall over his face. The anger, the sadness, the pain. "I should have known. I should have brought you here. I should have killed that son of a bitch while he was at TPD," he finally said.
"We can't go back," was all I said. What else was there to say? If I had gotten help right away maybe Joe and I would have made it. Maybe we would have stayed together. Maybe I wouldn't have pushed him away time and time again. There was no way to know and I don't want to wonder. I'm alright leaving it where it is.
He nodded his head again. "I know. Are you alright?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm alright. I'm getting help. I don't know if I'll ever be over it, but I'm learning to deal with it. Ranger's helping me," I told him.
He swallowed hard and looked like he was trying to hold back his thoughts about Ranger. "If you ever need me, for anything, I'll always be there for you. All you have to do is call me. I love you, Steph. I'll always love you. You've been one of the few real friends I've had in this life. I'll do anything for you," he told me.
"Thanks, Joe. I'll always care about you too," I told him with a little smile. "Good luck with your recovery."
"You too, Cupcake," he answered with his own smile. "Walk you out?"
I nodded and walked beside him down to the parking lot. There wasn't much to say. I pointed to my car, which he scowled at, but didn't say a word. He watched me get in. He watch me start the car and pull out of my space. I saw him in the rearview mirror, watching my car until I turned the corner.
I felt like I finally had proper closure with Joe. It wasn't filled with hatred and anger, but more sadness than I would have thought. I wasn't lying about caring for him. I did and probably always would. I didn't want bad things for him. I really just hoped that he'd get his head on straight and find someone as wonderful as I had to share his life with.
What was more surprising was that I no longer blamed him for every wrong I was dealt over the years. I made the decision to be with him all those times. He never forced me to be with him. That was all on me. That fact that he did some really fucked up stuff, well that was on him. But I couldn't really blame him for that either, not fully.
I couldn't begin to understand the abuse he suffered at his father's hands and what that did to him as a child, or as an adult. I mean really, I was still suffering from the verbal abuse my mother inflicted upon me and she never beat the living tar out of me like Joe's dad had. I wondered which one of us was luckier. Him, because he didn't have to worry about his dad hurting him again? Or me, because I hopefully had a chance to make things right with my mom? I'm still coming up with a draw on that one.
Not that I was very hopeful about making up with my mom, but I wasn't completely without hope either. My parents had gone to a couple's therapy session with a marriage counselor that worked with Dr. Westin. I guess they were going to try to work on their marriage issues. Not that their marriage issues aren't important, but I didn't think they were a top priority. My mom's behavior and drinking would have topped my list, but she hasn't set up her own appointment yet. I figured she wouldn't. I mean, geez, what would the neighbors think if she went for help?
My dad, however, is working with his own doctor, who put him on medication. He's getting help for his depression and agreed to see another associate of Dr. Westin's who specializes in men's health. He's already had a few sessions, or so Dad told me when I spoke to him the other day. I haven't seen him yet, but we do chat on the phone. Maybe one of these days we can meet for lunch or I can have him over to the apartment, minus Mom. I'm just not quite ready to take that step yet, but I'm getting there.
Grandma Mazur on the other hand wouldn't let me say no. We've been out for coffee twice now. She's also all about going to therapy. She's met quite a few new friends in the group therapy session she joined for domestic abuse survivors. Yeah, that shocked the hell out of me too.
The first night we got together for coffee she told me about my grandpa. I only remembered that he was loud and opinionated. Grandma said he constantly yelled at her when they were alone. He even smacked her around when he didn't like how she'd done something. She said it was really rough when she was young, but she quickly fell in line. His dinner was never late. His clothes were always ironed. The neighbors never talked about her. Not only that, my mom had watched all of this when she was little.
Grandma's sure that Mom's behavior was due to the way she was brought up. She's sorry she raised her kids that way, in that type of home, but she said there was no leaving a husband back in her day. It wasn't done. Besides where would she go? She had no money, no job, no skills, and there weren't places for women to go for help back in those days. She was stuck.
It explained a lot about my grandma's behavior after my grandpa's death. She said she finally felt free to do what she wanted. She wanted to be the woman she'd buried under her burg wife façade for all those decades. She wanted to be free. I was stunned by that. I felt like I was looking at an alternate universe Stephanie, fifty years in the future had I married Joe. I felt sick for Grandma.
She didn't want me to be sad for her though. She wants me to celebrate what I found with Ranger. She wants me to live my life like I want to, without worrying about what others think about it. She wants me to be happy. I promised her that I could do that. And she promised she'd go to the therapy, get help with her drinking, and settle down a little bit, if only so she doesn't get herself into any more dangerous situations like she had with Uncle Sunny. She also promised to try to talk Mom into getting some help, though she wasn't sure she could get through to her either.
Neither of us said it, but I think we both knew that there was no helping Mom if she didn't want to be helped. And I'm alright with that. Even if I want her to be healthy and part of my life like a real mom I know I can't accept her back into my life if she doesn't want to be there. Not getting help proves to me that she's more concerned with herself and the burg gossip than she is with her own family. It's sad, but it's a reality I've faced and I've made peace with.
I have my dad and my grandma and even my sister back in my life, that's more than I had hoped for a month ago. And they aren't the only family I have. I have Ranger now. And Tank and Lula, Connie, Mary Lou, Lester, Binkie, and Hal. All the guys really. They've shown me their love and support daily. That is what a true family does.
And who knows, maybe someday Ranger and I will have kids. I'm not sure yet, but I'm not as freaked out about the idea as I once was. I'm healing. I'm getting better. And hopefully one day I'll be strong enough to care for a little Ranger. Because, really, the idea of a tiny dark haired baby with mocha latte skin makes my chest ache and my womb dance a little jig. Though I'll probably wait to spring that on him until after he sets things right with Julie. One step at a time, right?
It's all about timing, and it seems as if mine is perfect today. The oven just buzzed and ten seconds later I heard Ranger close the front door behind himself. So I'm going to go feed my sex god, tell him about my day, and listen to him tell me about his. Then I'm going to drag him to bed so I can have my way with him. Then after that, I'm going to tell him how much I love him and hopefully spend the rest of the evening in his arms.
That sounds like a perfect plan to me. One I wouldn't mind repeating every day for the rest of my life. Not that I think every day will be perfect. I'm more of a realist than that. But if I can end my day by telling Ranger that I love him, it'll be as close to perfect as I need.
**I know, I could have kept going with Steph's family issues. I could have gone on to show what their lives ended up like. I could have taken us to Miami and met Julie. I could have done a lot more, but I felt like this was a perfect stopping point. Ranger and Steph are both happy, healing, and are on the same page with what they want for their futures. I think I tied up all the issues we uncovered as well as I could, since they'll never fully recover.
I think I went as deep as I wanted to go into the Plums' issues, including Grandma Mazur's. I left a lot of loose ends with her mother, but I don't think she's ready to reform yet. Maybe it'll take years for her to hit rock bottom before she accepts help? I don't know, maybe that's another story down the road.
As far as Joe goes, I couldn't just leave him in limbo. I didn't want him to be this ghost that was lurking, waiting to hurt her again. And while I can't get over his treatment of Steph as a child…I don't hate him. I don't think he's evil. He's just a man, one with issues too. So I wanted to give them both a little peace and show that she has truly moved past him.
Anyway, I never thought this would be a ten month journey. I didn't think I'd go some of the places I did with this. I didn't expect the emotional toll it took on me. I didn't expect to hear from so many of you that this touched personally. It's been a roller-coaster for sure.
So here's one last thank you to all of you who've read along, took the time to review for me, and those who reached out with PM's. I appreciate you all so much. I feel like you're all part of my little Fanfic family. So thanks so much.
PS…a writing update if you're interested. I'm working on the last chapter of The Five Year Plan and hope to have it up for Halloween. I figured that'd be a great wrap up date for it. Then I'm going to spend the entire month of November focusing on my Nanowrimo writing. I have three stories that I have started and mapped out a little, so we'll see where that leads me. Hopefully it'll be something fun and exciting I can share with all of you.
Thanks again. ***