Chapter 54
You are such a dirty little fucker, aren't you? Where are my pills you little shit? Give them to me, NOW"-She screams in my face.
I'm 5 years old. And I was playing with the pill bottles, what can I say? They rattle and I was making music. I found them under her bed, and wanted to see the color inside; I have a collection of them. I put the green ones away, those are for his eyes, the red ones will be his lips, and the orange ones will be his hair, -I'm making his face. Well what he will look like when we meet.
I've dreamed about him. He will take care of me. He is little like me right now. I don't know where, but he can see me.
I had been trying to open them for awhile now but the lid was to thigh, I went outside the trailer, its cold and I don't have a sweater, I feel the ache in the skin of my arms, my legs and feet feel it too. I only get to wear the nice clothes when the lady from the sucky place comes; she always asks mommy the same questions.
Is she eating?
When will she be in school?
Has she spoken?
Mommy always answers the same.
Yes.
Soon.
and
No.
I pick up a small rock near the hole where everyone throws the trash, it smells yucky, and I go back to the back of the trailer. She can't see me back there, besides she's always sitting on the couch and clicking the channels, and when she takes her little candy she never remembers where I am. I smash the bottles and take the small colorful ones, but only the ones I need the rest I flush down the toilet.
They get stuck and the dirty brown smelly water comes back up, I get my feet wet. I go to the kitchen before she can see me, and take a dirty t-shirt that HE used to wear, and clean the floor of the bathroom with it.
She won't see it, but she can smell it, I take the soapy stuff she uses on me when the dressed up lady comes to see us, and squirt some on the floor, there!
Now it doesn't smell bad.
I go to my pallet on the floor, and look under it; I have a large piece of cardboard where I've been pasting the colorful candy mommy eats.
I don't like it. I've seen mommy throws up a lot after she eats them, so I don't eat any. I like the colors, now I have enough to fill in the hair, it's brown with orange, he is pretty, and his smile is nice.
I smile back.
When I feel the tight pain in my left arm as she squeeze it painfully she screams and shakes me fast and I feel my head and neck hit her sides she pushes me up against the wall and screams at me again, she is too loud that I don't understand her, I try not to move or to make any noises, that makes her angrier. I stay still and close my eyes, I see his smile in my mind, but this time he is wearing a back sweat-shirt just like the one the dirty man wears when he comes to get me, but I don't feel afraid. I like it when she touches me, he never hurts me, in my dreams he comes to see me and I feel safe. As always I don't answer, so she gives up and throws me against the wall. I hit my head on the low dresser.
I fall asleep.