Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not my own, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not making any money off of this. (Though I wish I could.)
I awoke hours later, drowsy and numb. I wondered vaguely what exactly Gandalf had had me drink and wished I had more. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to escape from this rawness, this pain. I had led Dwalin to die in his king's place and that thought alone was enough to gnaw at me. The belief that Thorin would still hate me for everything that happened, or come to hate me for everything I had not told him, was a sharp bitterness within my chest. But the thought that I had conceived, and then lost, the only son I would ever carry without ever knowing hurt the worst. I had always wanted a house full of children. Wanted to hear their laughter. Wanted to watch them grow.
There was a hesitant knock on the door and I lifted my head slowly from its place on the pillow and I wondered if I could just ignore it and be alone in my heartache and misery.
"Come in," I finally rasped out. My throat was raw from my earlier sobs.
Bilbo crept in then, cautious and tentative. He took in my injured form and the brokenness of my spirit and frowned sadly. Within a matter of seconds, the hobbit was at my side, gingerly wrapping his arms around my shoulders. Together we cried out our sorrows and our pain. Of everything we had gone through and survived while so many lay dead.
After a while we pulled away, our burdens lessened if only a little from our shared grief. He patted my hand gently.
"I am so glad you are alive," He whispered through sniffles. "When we all found you with Legolas…"
He shook his head as he trailed off. I offered a slow nod, knowing what it was they thought. A small part of me wished selfishly that I had died there.
"How long have I been here?" I asked dully, glancing around the walls. Bilbo followed my gaze towards the open window, sun light having replaced the dull moon light of the night before.
"Today would make six days." He replied. I glanced at him in mild shock, then let out a long shuddering breath.
"We have all taken turns visiting you," He began. "Thorin did not sleep the first three days we were here. When Gandalf finally urged him to drink a sleeping draught, he slept leaning against the side of your bed. It was only yesterday that he finally left your side. Oin had to beat him 'round the head with a book to get him to go and bathe. Between you and me, it wasn't a moment too soon."
He wrinkled his nose and his eyes twinkled slightly. I let out a soft laugh despite myself, the sound foreign and bitter to my ears.
"I came to check on you. Gandalf told us you woke briefly last night, and I wanted to see for myself that you were truly back among us. No doubt the others will be charging in to see you as well, once Oin allows them. He demanded that they all clean themselves up and see to their hurts once more before they were to come to you. It took Dori, Nori, and Bifur to hold Thorin back."
I shook my head slowly.
"Has he forgiven me, then?" My voice was hesitant.
"You would not need to ask if you had seen how he held you. How he cupped your face and kissed your head. I have never seen him so tender, nor so broken."
I closed my eyes tightly and leaned back against my pillow.
"I still have to tell him, tell you all, everything." I whispered. "Once you hear the whole story…. I do not think you all will find it so easy to forgive me."
"I think you would be surprised," He answered. "You have earned your place thrice over, Talya. No matter what is said, I do not think that the love and admiration we all hold for you could be swayed."
I swallowed thickly and tightened my hand in his.
"No! You have tended my hurts and I have bathed and changed! Now I will see her, dammit, whether you would 'allow me' or no!"
My head shot up as Thorin's angry voice echoed down the hallway. Bilbo glanced up and dropped my hand. He stood and moved to the side, wisely, I would come to find out.
I had a mere moment to prepare myself as the very irritated dwarf threw the door open, wet hair hanging around his face, braids undone, dressed in boots, trousers, and an ill-fitting shirt. His hand paused on the handle as he caught sight of me sitting up against the pillow. His eyes softened and he crossed the distance between us in a few quick steps. He stopped suddenly before me, hesitant. A shuddering breath tore itself from his lips.
"Amrâlimê," He whispered. I felt tears well in my eyes once more and in an instant, he was at my side, wrapping his thick arms around me and embracing me, careful of my bound ribs. I returned his embrace, burrowing my face into his hair and taking in the scent of him. For the third time in a matter of hours, I felt tears come to my eyes and I sobbed softly into his chest. He pressed his hand gently to the back of my head, pressing me tightly to his chest.
"Oh, my love," He crooned softly.
He pulled away ever so slightly and caressed my face with his calloused fingers. My eyes ran over his face, drinking in the details I found there. From the top of his dark hair to his proud slopped nose, to his tender blue eyes, to his shorn beard. I settled momentarily on the scabbed cut that ran across his face from the top of his brow down past his lips, which were set in a pained grimace. I reached up and took his hand in my own, pressing it tightly to my cheek.
"I am so sorry, Talya. For everything." His words broke then, and I knew that he spoke not only of his harsh words, but of what we had, together, lost. I doubt Galadriel had told him the specifics, but to know he, too, mourned for the child we would never hold made my heart reach out to him.
"Can you ever forgive me?" I sniffed hard and closed my eyes at his words.
"I betrayed you," My voice was nearly inaudible and he shook his head. "And yet you ask for my forgiveness?"
"Nay. You did what you thought you must, and I am loathe to realize that it was my own madness that pushed you to such a deed. There is nothing to forgive you for."
I clutched his hand tighter to me and slowly let go, pushing it back towards him. He frowned and furrowed his brows.
"Do not say that, not yet." I said, with more resolve than I would have thought I could have managed. "Not until I tell you everything."
"Tell me what?"
"Get the others first," I replied. "I want to tell you guys the truth."
"I do not understand. What truth?" He was confused and he pulled back away from me, eyes searching me.
"Please, Thorin. Get the rest of the company first. Gandalf too. I do not have it in me to tell my story twice."
He watched me for a long moment before he nodded slowly. He glanced over his shoulder where Oin and Gloin stood, watching me with small smiles of relief on their faces.
"Gather the company," Thorin called out.
"Talya… Are you sure you feel up to this..?" Bilbo asked quietly from where he stood near the window. I glanced at him.
"If I do not tell you all now, I fear that I will never again have the courage to do so."
I leaned back against the pillows and waited as Oin and Gloin gathered the remaining members of the company to my room. It didn't take as long as I had hoped and I was still fidgeting and fighting to find the right words to say when, one by one, they trickled into the room. Bifur helped Bofur through the door, the latter with a rather large bandage wrapped around his head. Fili hobbled in on a crude pair of crutches, and Kili followed close behind, his left arm in a sling.
They all came to my side and offered words of greeting and relief, glad to see that I was 'well', as if I truly could be after everything that had transpired. Gandalf was the last to come in and he slowly closed the door and came to stand next to me, his presence comforting. At least he knew. At least he would not hate me.
I fidgeted still, plucking at the edge of the blanket. I had a hard time meeting their eyes now that they were all assembled. The settled down, most coming to sit on the floor, and I could feel their eyes on me.
"What did you have to tell us, lass, that could be so important as to interrupt your rest?" Balin asked, his voice tired and grieved, and I had a hard time looking at him, the knowledge that I sent his brother to his death. I swallowed hard and Bilbo, bless his heart, passed me a glass of water. I took a sip and held the glass tightly in hand before I finally looked up at them, the dwarves and hobbit who I had come to see as family. I knew I could not bear it if they should come to hate me.
"I've hinted to some of you that I had some sort of foresight," I started slowly. I glanced at Kili, Fili, and Bilbo to start off. The nodded slowly, much to the surprised looks of the others. Thorin sat back with his arms crossed, face serious, though eyes still soft.
"I lied. It wasn't foresight." I bit my lip and worried it between my teeth. "Gandalf has made it known that I am not from this world. Where I am from… dwarves don't even exist, let alone orcs and dragons. Where I am from… this was all a story. One that I had grown up with. One that I had read and, later, watched as a play. I have known, from the moment I stepped into Middle-Earth, everything that should have happened had I not been here."
"Talya… That is impossible. You must not be feeling well," Oin chided. "Gandalf, shame on you for allowing this."
"You must have rattled your head harder than we thought," Commented Nori. I frowned at him and Bilbo cleared his throat.
"Tell us something you shouldn't know, Talya." I smiled at him then, a weary sort that conveyed my gratitude at his faith in me. I looked over the company, then settled my eyes on Thorin.
"You sang a very old song at Bag End. One sung only amongst dwarves." I started slowly. Gloin humphed.
"You could have found that out from any one of us."
I did not take my eyes off of Thorin as I began to speak, not quite singing, my voice pitched low.
"Far over the Misty Mountains cold/ To dungeons deep and caverns old.
We must away/ere break of day.
To find our long forgotten gold.
The pines were roaring/ On the height
The winds were moaning/ In the night
The fire was red/It flaming, spread
The trees like torches/ Blazed with light…"
Thorin did not take his eyes off of me as I finished lowly.
"How could you know…?" Kili asked, shocked.
"That proves nothing," Dori said. I shook my head.
"Thorin, one year before the quest, you met Gandalf in the village of Bree. He was kind enough to discourage a few petty Men from attacking you. There he told you of your fathers' fate and encouraged you to take up this quest."
He looked startled and I knew it was not something he had spoken openly to most of the members of the company. I offered him an apologetic and miserable smile.
"In bag end, Dwalin," I swallowed hard. "Arrived first. Then you, Balin, followed by Fili and Kili. You, Fili, passed of your swords to Bilbo and told him to be careful because you just had them sharpened. You, Kili, he yelled at because you scraped off mud on his mother's wooden chest. The rest of you knocked at the door and, when Bilbo opened it, you fell in. Except Thorin, who was late. He got lost. Twice."
I glanced around at their shocked faces.
"You raided his cabinets and sat down to eat. At one point, you, Bofur, chuck a hard-boiled egg at Bombur. You caught it in your mouth surprisingly well," I nodded to Bombur, then took a sip of my water to the sound of crickets.
"Once you all were done, you, Ori, asked ever so politely what to do with your plate." I smiled at the young dwarf who blushed at the memory.
"And then you two," I jerked my head towards Fili and Kili. "Decided to tease our poor Hobbit. How did it go?
"'Blunt the knives, bend the forks
Smash the bottles and burn the corks
Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates."
I trailed off and once more ventured a look out at the company. A mixture of shock and disbelief greeted me.
"Believe me now?" Gandalf reached out and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. I glanced up at him and smiled.
For the next several hours, I told them nearly everything that had happened, leaving out only my obvious parts and Bilbo's ring. I had to stop several times to clear my throat and we paused only once to take time to relieve ourselves. By the time I was closing on the story, my voice was hoarse and I knew I would probably end up losing it.
"And in the end, you three lay dead. You, Thorin, were buried in the heart of Erebor with the Arkenstone on your breast and Orcrist clutched in your hands."
I finally fell silent, not able to meet their eyes.
"You truly knew everything that was to happen," Fili said, voice soft and wondering. I nodded my head painfully slow.
"And you did not tell us." Kili finished. I looked up at him.
"I couldn't. I did not know if something I said or did would have changed the story. I could have led you all to your deaths if I screwed up. I wanted to tell you all, so many times…"
I trailed off and closed my eyes tightly, afraid to look at Thorin most of all.
"I'm sorry," I whispered softly. "I could have avoided you all so much heartache if I just told you…"
I heard a soft rustling of cloth, and then the shift of bodies. I looked up slowly to find that Thorin was in front of me, all the dwarves behind him standing and looking at me in wonder.
"You knew everything that was to come, and yet you still risked your life, not knowing if you yourself would live or die. You did not know us then, but still you took it upon yourself to help us." He said, wonderingly. He glanced at his nephews, jaw tight. "You saved them,"
"And you saved our King." Balin added, coming up behind Thorin to grasp his shoulder. He looked down at me warmly, tears misted in his eyes.
"Dear Talya, how could you ever think that you would have to apologize?"
Thorin reached forward and took my hand in his, shaking. He pressed his lips to my hand, then dropped to his knee in front of me, pressing my hand to his forehead.
Balin fell in next to him, bringing his fist to his chest and bowing his head low. Slowly but surely, each one of them dropped low, fist to their chest, head bowed to me.