Chapter 65

I sit in the tub, and wash my legs. The blade that helped with the images is on the floor next to me.

I feel the pain and the nothingness that its presence brings.

It's been here longer then before.

I know it moves around my apartment, I know it watches me during the day. I know it follows me to work and to all the places I go to.

But still I don't know what it wants.

Is it here to protect me?

Is it here just to watch me suffer?

Is it here to haunt me to make me repent on my actions?

I have too many questions in my head that it stings. I try to relax against the warm water. I feel my muscles ache from yesterday. I didn't go to work but I was called in. I faked a cold, and told Aro that I would be in today, but I really don't want to leave here.

Even if it's here with me and I feel sad and alone, I know that if I go in, it will be much worse.

Since I've been alone so much and working I hadn't had time to think about my life, but now that I'm here sitting in the tub with it watching me, because I know it watches me while I'm in here.

I feel the looming sadness, but this time it's more of a desperation to feel loved, I know that I will never be able to shake this, to make it different, I know I'm strange and that all that it's happened to me has an explanation. I just don't know what it is yet.

I turn the hot water subconsciously and leaned down to take the blade, I think about my dream again. My nude body covered in blood. And I know what to do.

I lean back propping my head against the porcelain of tub and close my eyes. I see Alice's smiling face with Jasper's arms around her. I see her round belly with there child, I see the little boy holding there legs smiling up at me. I see them happy and I cry.

This will never be mine.

I know that I will never be like them.

The sky-blue eyes of that old man come to mind and I sob his face a shadow of pain, I see him sitting on a concrete bench with a cup in his hands, his eyes are closed and his smile is cold. I feel the tingle of pain and hear the small dripping. I feel cold but the water is burning my skin.

The steam makes it harder to breath so I stop.

I feel the cold and the wind against my wet skin. I hear the sirens and the voices as if they where underwater.

I try to open my eyes but the bright white light burns them.

It hurts as they pry open my mouth and stick something down my throat, they open my eyes for me and flash bright light against them, but I feel too tired to move my hands to make them stop, and also they feel numb.

I do feel the prick of a needle against my arm and they move my body as if I were a rag doll.

I start to feel my whole body numb again, I feel calm and warm and secure so I let the darkness takes me again.

My mouth is dry and my head is pounding, I open my eyes and try to move but my hands are stuck to my sides. I try to sit up but I'm pulled back down to the bed harshly.

I try doing it again with more force but I'm slammed back down again. I turn my head to look around to see where I am, and I can only see mint-green walls, the left part of the room has a long window covered in tick white plastic, I can see the light streaming in but nothing else.

Panic starts to bubble up on my body, and I feel trapped. I try to speak but my throat is too dry to even get out sounds.

I feel sick to my stomach, and the pain in my head becomes unbearable.

The door suddenly flies open and a young blond nurse dressed in green scrubs comes inside smiling, her big blue eyes are comforting but when she bring out a needle and sticks it in my arm she becomes the devil incarnate.

I feel drowsy and woessy, my eye lids are heavy and my mind drifts again in to the dark.