Chapter 73

The moon shines high in the sky, like a beacon of hope, but I don't feel it. I've geared up to be numb tonight. I know he'll ask questions that I don't want to talk about, mainly about my attempted suicide which by the way I don't remember.

I swear half the mental ward of doctor's –OK the ones that spoke English, asked me about it, I'll tell him like I told the others, I. Don't. Remember!

I can only remember being depressed and sad, but I don't remember being that desperate. I know my life hasn't been a bowl of cherries, but I'd never thought of an easy out. To me suicide had always been regarded as an easy way out. All that hard work surviving and trying to do something with my life just to turn around and drop everything? I know I sound like a suicide hotline. I know that most people would think that having been through all the shit I'd seen and lived would make me callous, cold and eager for a numbing escape. But no, I'm not saying that I love how I live, or that I love what I do, or that I'm happy selling my body or more like letting Aro sell my "company" as he so politely calls it.

I'm not sure how I ended up doing it, but after the first time it was all easy to me. I was out of my skin when it happened, I wasn't really there. I had checked out.

I never felt him enter me. Or his surprised gasp when he saw the strike of blood painting his cock from being to rough with me. I have never had sex willingly, never thought of it as a desire I would like to fulfill. I've never felt aroused sexually. The thought of a man's body makes me quiver in disgust.

To me all men look for the same things in women, they want to dominate and to conquer, to hurt and to obliterate. I know most men want weak and compliant women to submit to them and do as they please, I've lived too long in a world of drugs and prostitution and hurt, death, grief and abuse that I don't know anything else. My guard is always up. It's what keeps me sane. Being here with Alice and Jasper makes me weak and vulnerable. I have forgotten how to save myself, how to keep from getting hurt.

So after sitting down on the outdoor iron table set, I feel afraid. I know he's not going to hurt me –physically but still I feel frightened. I know that he'll ask, or more that he'll see right through me, he'll voice out loud what I've been trying to bury deep inside in the dark.

-"So, how are you feeling?"- He startles me with his first question. So simple but at the same time it's loaded. How I answer could be taken in a lot of ways. I feel nervous and anxiety starts to fill my body. I cross my leg and shack my foot back and forth rapidly, my hands ball up in my lap and I bite my lip. I feel his gaze but I'm afraid to face him.

-"Fine"-, I practically whisper.

-"It's OK, Bella. What ever you want to tell me is fine, where only getting to know eachother. This is not even a first session. I'm only here to listen and to let you make a decision, an informed decision of your options. I know some background about you, very little I might add. Jasper and Alice are very worried about you- mainly your night terrors. Alice tells me that they've gotten worse?"- His voice is soothing, he's trying to make me relax.

I'm still reluctant to look him in the eye. But I chance a quick look towards him and I see him sitting there leaned back, his fingers are relaxed and twined over his now protruding stomach. His long legs are stretched infront of him and crossed at the ankles under the table. He's the picture of ease. I chance a look to his face and his dimples are etched in his easy smile. I look into his eyes and find an expression of understanding and patience that makes me relax.

I take a deep breath and lean back, letting my head rest on the back of the soft cushion of the chair, I slowly stretch my legs out and mimic this position. I try it, but don't feel natural doing it so I fold my legs on top of my chair but still rest my head back. I take a few minutes to gather the courage and arrange my thoughts as to where I can start this.

I look over the doghouses on the far left corner of the yard and feel a chill. I see the dogs lying on the ground just outside there little sanctuaries. And I feel uneasy looking at them so I turn away. I look up to the shinning moon; it's so bright that it illuminates everything. I feel myself hesitant to speak so I just don't.

-"So I take it that it's hard to talk about them?- Doctor McCarty has caught on that I'm not willingly giving anything away.

I nod, but not elaborate.

-"I see. So…. OK, I got an idea, what if we play 20 questions and that way you don't really have to talk about them, you can just answer yes or no"- he smiles excitedly, as if playing this game will help me talk. He's sweet to try, but still I really don't see the point of it all. I know that talking about them won't make anything go away.

It'll only make things come back.

Things that I've buried in the dark to keep me safe.

Things that I don't want to remember or think about ever again. I don't want to have to see them or live them again.

And I know that talking about them will only make the pain palpable.

And I don't think I want to go through that again, just for the sake of getting rid of some stupid dreams.

But deep down I don't know why but I know they're not dreams. I think they're really happening and it's what scares me the most.