Chapter 81

As the sun rises in the horizon, I sit on the side of the tub, I've made a thick latter with the white soap, and covered my legs, as I shave every possible inch of my skin, I move swiftly but with precision. After my legs and under my arms are smooth, I take the detachable shower head and rinse the latter left on my body. I dry myself and move to the mirror above the sink. I brush my hair, and moisturize every thing that is now hairless.

I open a drawer under the sink and bring out the little blood red bottle courtesy of Alice and her incessant nagging of getting me beauty products to make me feel better and refresh the polish on my toes, my hands are a little shaky but I've made my decision, I will not waiver.

After I'm clean and refreshed I go to the kitchen and close the window and pull the drapes closed, I lock the front door, and clean the apartment, as I walk around in the nude, moving and arranging everything, I don't feel the heat again, I don't know if it's here, I don't really know if I feel safe to some degree and it's kind of sick on my part since this thing hadn't felt in a long time.

As I remember the first time it stayed with me more then a few hours I remember how frighten I was when it followed me for almost a week, I felt depressed and unsure, I slept well but during my waking hours I felt drained and lost, like I had no hope in the world.

I know my decision stems from it being here. I know that even if it wasn't here I would still do it, I feel like it is something that has to happened and that it has been a long time in the coming, like a prophesy or a scripture, like if I don't attest or act soon it will swallow me up and I will be no more.

This frightens me.

I know I have no one to care for, well except for Alice but she has Jasper, she has her children, what will I have? Now I know that I will never have that –not unless I take myself out of this.

I prepare everything, it has to be clean, all in it's place, nothing out of usual, no doors unlocked, no windows open, my clothing will be on the bed, and everything else should be given away, Still I have nothing of value, except….

I know it will not be today, but still I have to do everything right before I leave.

So I lay in bed waiting to feel again. A few minutes pass and I feel the burn again, it's what keeps me alive, I understand now. Sleep comes for me and with it comfort and numbness, I know that if it left again I would die.

I feel numb tonight nothing has affected me more then that look on the blue eyed man that day as the police officer handcuffed him and sat him in the squad car. I could see the desperation and the intensity, he wanted and needed something that was lost, his eyes the most beautiful shade of sky blue seamed dull as he sat there staring at me. I wanted to help him; I wanted to sooth his pain, you could see it pouring out of him. But it was too late, he was gone. Those feeling gave me that image at the club, the child. It looked un-born, it looked as if it had been ripped out of it's womb.

I had a panic attack that day, it was so bad that I almost pulled my hair out, I huddled up on the bed and after a few minutes that feeling was there again, that burn that calms me.

Today Miguel calls me, I know I can't tell him anything that's real, so I just mumble that I don't feel right, that I'll be back soon, everything is empty, my words, my voice. I sit on the couch trying to make myself small as if doing this he won't know I'm about to break, I close my eyes and the images from the club are back, I feel the heaviness of my head and the fluttering in my temples, my heart is beating faster then normal, I can tell that I'm entering that dangerous state again, the one that I can't get out of on my own, my breathing is harsher I can hear it on the phone. I don't really register what he is saying but I just answer no, not really knowing if it fits to his question, but I just want it to stop, as if saying no will make everything slow down.

I hear him say something about the money I owe him or more the club, but that's about it, my mind is too far gone but I guess my mouth knows what to tell him to stop him bothering me. He hangs up and I'm free to collapse in hysterics in the privacy of this room.

I wake up that night after almost two weeks of not going back to work and decided to paint again. I sit beside the window in a pair of small black panties and a long t-shirt smoking. I know I've said I would stop but it's the only thing that calms me these days. I feel like it would all should be different but I can't seam to get out of this.

I look to the corner of the room where my easel and the painting I was working on is now almost finished.

I want to finish it before.

The light from the small lamp on the nightstands is too dim to really see the corners of the room where I know he hides in. I know he's here again, that feeling is back, the longing the indescribable burn in my skin. It's never on the surfes of it. It feels like it's between the layers of me, between muscle and bone, between skin and arteries, it's in me. It feels like a calling and a warning, a necessity and a luxury, a need and the pain of a wound that will never heal, it makes me smile.

So I stand carefully, slowly the shadows change and the air thickens as I move around the room, I sit on a chair but it's too far from where I want to be, so I walk carefully to the darkest part of the room, and there I feel it, the fluttering inside my skin. I breathe in the sent of the night and practically whisper "I can feel you here".

I close my eyes and imagen the figure, tall and lean, I raise my hands close to my body near my chest and there I find purchase. It's almost palpable, the softness of the cloak, I move my hands higher and there I feel heat, body heat. It steams from a breath and I can feel movement, I hesitate to move closer but then I hear the whooshing of breath again, encouraged I stroke softly what I can guess to be a firm chest, I trail my hands to the back and there I find smooth skin more silk then steel. I move closer and I feel the burn on my face as if his touch is imprinted there, my smile widens, it wants me, I knew it. I want him too.