Chapter 52
SEVERNY ISLAND, NOVAYA ZEMLYA, RUSSIAN FEDERATION
The unusual collection of witches, wizards, government agents, and commandos huddled together for warmth against the icy wind.
Ziad's teeth chattered.
"S-shlomi? Are you s-s-sure it's safe if the nukes explode h-here?"
Shlomi shivered and nodded.
"T-this is where the Soviets tested all their n-n-nukes. Can't rig up the Dead Hand where you test nukes, can y-y-you?"
Ziad shivered in assent.
"I'm going t-t-to pop over t-t-to L-london to check the news." he said. "And feel the embrace of warm air upon my icy flesh."
"Me too." said Shlomi.
"Count us in." chattered Padma and Parvati.
"Please?" pleaded Colonel Venter.
"Fine. Grab on to this rope."
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM
Rupert Scrivener was wiping down the bar in his pub when a scarred and mean-looking Middle Eastern boy walked in. He was dressed in a strange assortment of military camouflages and had a rifle slung over his shoulder.
"Er... Can I help you, lad? You speak English?" Rupert said, reaching under the bar for the telephone.
"Yes, indeed I do." answered the stranger. "Rather better than you, I expect. Also, I really would not reach for that phone, if I were you. We have more firepower than every policeman in London combined."
Rupert froze.
"We?" he whimpered.
A dozen heavily armed commandos entered the pub followed by two teenage girls and a nondescript man in his thirties. All carried various weapons and looked like they meant business. Several had bloodstains on various clothing items.
"Oh."
"As for how you can help me," continued the first intruder, "You can turn on that TV to the news."
Rupert did so with haste.
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN
Billowing black smoke blotted out the sky. Explosions and gunfire lit the night. The rumble of tanks and roar of jets were overpowered by the crash of artillery. Chinese and Pakistani troops danced the Urban Warfare Tango.
KARACHI, PAKISTAN
Majid Khan watched the unmarked armored van speed towards the gates to the Pakistani Air Force's annex of the International Airport. He nodded to three masked men who watched with him.
"We do this for Allah. We will be martyrs. Allahu akbar!"
Majid and the other men raised assault rifles and began firing into the windshield of the van. Under the merciless onslaught, the glass shattered and the driver (by now rather perforated) swerved the van off the road and into the front of a building.
The four gunmen rapidly advanced on the van and opened the back. They stared in morbid delight at the contents.
"Our leaders would never have the balls to use these against the Godless Chinese... Good thing Pakistan has true Muslims who see what must be done to guide this glorious nation on the true Islamic path, like us!"
Sitting in the back of the van were three of Pakistan's newly declared nuclear warheads.
Another van pulled up beside the smashed one. The masked man behind the wheel rolled down the window.
"Hurry up! We've got to get these to Islamabad before the Chinese break through!"
NORTH OF ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN: FORWARD OPERATING BASE SHENYANG
General Li Zicheng, People's Liberation Army, stared at the maps and figures. They didn't add up.
"Who in their right mind orders a fucking war right after getting nuked? We don't have the bloody resources!" he shouted to nobody in particular.
"That's a defeatist attitude, general." sneered a political officer standing nearby.
Zicheng stared at him. "This isn't the Cultural Fucking Revolution, Colonel, but a ridiculous war against a nuclear power. If the Pakistanis don't break out their brand new nuclear weapons to obliterate our forces in Islamabad, I would be very, very-
Their argument was interrupted by a very, very large explosion.
"-surprised..."
The officers gathered around the maps left the tend and stared south at the mushroom cloud slowly rising over the city.
"Shit."
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM
Ziad stared at the television and watched the world descend into madness.
"Christ... It's a shitstorm!" he muttered.
Suddenly, a small cylinder crashed through the glass of the window and exploded with the loudest bang and brightest flash Ziad had ever experienced.
When he recovered, he saw black-clad and heavily armed policemen pushing through the door and into the pub.
"I told you not to call the cops!" he whined to Rupert.
"I didn't! But you are all carrying large guns, you know, and people outside can see that!"
"Oh. I didn't think of that."
The South African commandos began gunning down the policemen, and the policemen fired back. An epic firefight began.
Ziad dropped to the ground to avoid the crossfire.
Colonel Venter grabbed Ziad and dragged him behind the bar where Rupert, Parvati, Padma, and Shlomi were taking cover.
"Go!" shouted Venter. "Use your bloody magic or whatever it is and get the nukes! The world's going to hell, you might as well do what is necessary! Me and my boys will hold off the police!"
"Are you sure?" asked Ziad.
Venter nodded once, then vaulted back over the bar to rejoin the fight.
Ziad quickly made a portkey and he, the twins, and Shlomi disappeared, much to Rupert's confusion.
SEVERNY ISLAND, NOVAYA ZEMLYA, RUSSIAN FEDERATION
They gathered around the nukes.
"Repeat your plan, Padma?" said Ziad.
"Since the world is probably going to be bathed in nuclear fire anyway, we might as well use these particular bombs to turn Voldemort into his constituent atoms. So I thought Parvati would use the contacts she's made in the UK to set up a meeting between Voldie and 'Harry Potter.' The 'Harry Potter' in this situation won't, of course, be the Boy Who Lived, but will instead be about twenty megatons of Hell on Earth. A classic bait-and-switch trap."
"I like it." Ziad said approvingly. "Can you set up the meeting, Parvati?"
"Naturally."
"Do it."
Parvati nodded.
"I'll be back in twenty minutes," she said before disappearing.
Ziad, Padma, and Shlomi stood around shivering.
Sure enough, twenty minutes later, Parvati reappeared with a smug look on her face and a large bag.
"The meeting is set up. In a bit of old forest I remember camping in as a kid."
Padma nodded. "I remember that. Good place. In that hollow where we saw the deer?"
"Yup."
"Cool."
Ziad nodded at the bag.
"What's in the bag?"
"Some of my favorite toys that might come in handy if the shit hits the fan," responded Parvati. "Oh, and the bad news is we can only fit about five bombs at this location. We'll have to leave the rest here."
Shlomi shrugged.
"That shouldn't really matter." he said.
Ziad roped five warheads together.
"Ready."
Parvati waved her wand.
SOME FOREST, UNITED KINGDOM
Ziad and Shlomi piled the five warheads on top of each other and taped a piece of paper with "Harry Potter" written on it to the top one.
They stepped back and admired their handiwork.
"Seems legit." said Shlomi approvingly.
The timer on the most visible warhead beeped.
00:09:43
"Ten minutes... Voldie better show up on time." said Ziad.
The group slowly walked away from the hollow and into the forest, unsure of what to do next.
Suddenly, Shlomi froze and held up a fist. The others froze and glanced at him questioningly.
"I thought... Yes! Look over there!" he whispered.
Three figures were walking right towards them through the trees, on a line straight towards the hollow.
"Oh... shit..." whispered Padma.
"Who are they?" said Ziad.
Parvati stared.
The three figures stopped and stared at Ziad and company. One of them suddenly got very agitated.
"You son of a bitch!" he shouted. "You're that foreign bastard who killed Dumbledore on the Astronomy tower!"
Ziad frowned.
"Oh. Fuck."
"That's HARRY POTTER!" hissed Parvati.
Indeed it was. Harry pulled his wand out and began firing curses at Ziad's group, which turned around and began sprinting away.
"We can't let them get to the nukes!" shouted Shlomi.
"I got this!" shouted Parvati. She dove behind a tree and rummaged around in her bag before pulling out what looked like a vest.
"What's that!" Shouted Ziad.
"A way to die with a degree of dignity." she whispered.
"What?" Ziad shouted, "I couldn't hear you!"
Parvati put on the vest and suddenly stood up from behind the tree and sprinted towards Harry Potter, who (of course) was accompanied by Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Stunned at Parvati's apparent suicidal attack, Potter's next curse missed her by several feet.
Bad idea, Potter.
Harry adjusted his aim and began forming words.
Parvati was just feet away. She raised her hand and muttered something.
Then, she exploded and took Harry and company with her.
Bits of flesh splattered across the forest floor. Where the Boy Who Lived, his long-time friends, and Parvati once stood were but a few chunks of scorched meat.
"What the FUCK!" screamed Ziad.