Chapter 10

Alex stared at the walls. She decided to take this as a means to getting over Chapman. Cold turkey. Like an addict weaning herself off a drug. She could do it. All her thoughts, all of logic, sided with her ending things properly with Piper. It made sense and it most likely guaranteed her survival in this place. The fact Piper thought Alex had been using again was bad enough. But though it was bad, Alex found she had emotionally disconnected from Piper in such a way, that Piper couldn't break her heart any more. And that was exactly how Alex preferred to be. She wanted fun, Jesus, she just wanted some fucking happiness. Was that so much to ask for? Meaningless fun is what she was after now. Head down, eyes ahead. Get through prison and have some fun along the way. But not with Piper. She was finished with Piper. She would use her time in SHU to completely cut off her feelings from Piper.
She would be free. She missed the days when she was in control, when she governed her own happiness. When she was the one to break hearts and walk away. Passionate one night flings, mysterious strangers, exciting times. She wanted them back for herself. Along with the intoxication, the head rushes, the dizzying desire she'd lose herself amidst. Alex Vause needed so desperately to just disconnect from Piper Chapman and reconnect with the world. Reconnect with herself. The magic of losing herself in another person had worn off. She was over it.

Piper watched Larry as he took notes.
"I may never see her again, Larry." She said after a pause. Larry didn't care, but it was a good enough story. That was all he had reduced Piper to. A story. A means to an end.
"They only sent you away for two days."
"That didn't involve drugs."
"Do you really think Alex was using again?"
Piper didn't answer. She simply sighed. Larry chuckled and shook his head, "Piper, you're taking the word of a psycho hillbilly who's had it in for you and Alex since day one. You feel no doubt about her claims? I mean, really? Are you that desperate to build a wall between you and Alex, that you'd believe Pennsatucky?"
Piper studied him. Is that what she was doing? Building a wall? No, No. This wasn't her fault. This was Alex's fault for using again, and Alex's fault for pulling away.
"Whose side are you on?"
Larry raised his hands in defeat, "Hey, I'm just watching this all play out." Piper looked hopeless. Larry studied her, "Alex can only hurt you as much as you allow her to. It's your heart, take some responsibility for it Piper."
Piper studied Larry, "you're right. I need to just...get my act together."
"Piper, do you really love her?"
"Of course I do!" Piper exclaimed.
"Just like you loved me?"
Piper fell silent.
"Larry, I can't explain it. It's like when me and Alex are together, it's just... it's like I was put on this earth for that moment."
Larry raised an eyebrow, and let out a tortured breath.
"That's deep. And I wish I hadn't asked."
Piper threw him a look.
"I'm just wondering how much of this is just lust... you know? A human need, that you sort of denied yourself for so long, and now you're in that fishbowl, you can't imagine it any other way..."
"Fuck you, Larry. I'm smart enough to know the difference between love and lust."
"Hey, you wanted to discuss it, so I'm discussing it."

Red smiled at Gloria as she entered the kitchen.
"You done a good thing, Red." Gloria said as she stirred the soup.
"I take care of my girls."
"Poor Vause though..."
"Yeah, I didn't plan for that. Don't worry, I'll make it right with Vause."
"I spoke to Caputo... about you and me running the kitchen together."
Red studied Gloria, it wasn't ideal but she would happily work her way back toward running things alone. Besides Gloria had proved herself to be a loyal woman. A good woman.
"He's considering it."
"I appreciate it." Red said, "really, Gloria. You didn't have to."
"I know. But I know how much it means to you, this kitchen and the girls."
Red smiled gratefully at her.
"We look out for each other, that's the only way through. It's the only way to survive in this place. Stick together."

Alex was starving and thirsty, but more than that, she was over Piper. She would go it alone. Everyman for himself is something loving Piper Chapman had taught her. She could hear fellow inmates in their respective cells crying out for help. She opted not to make a fuss. Good behaviour wouldn't go unnoticed, besides if she gave the COs an easy life, they'd give her one.
A CLANG, interrupted her thoughts. A tray of food was slid into the cell. She looked down at the mouldy meal on the tray. She felt her stomach twist in hunger or disgust, she couldn't tell. She decided to drink the cup of juice instead.

FLASHBACK

Alex's heart ached in her chest. It was as if Piper left a burning hole in Alex's chest when she left. A gaping agonising abyss where her once content heart resided. And she couldn't bare it. She had finally been beaten at her own game. Always the one to bail, always the one to walk away, Alex Vause had finally had a taste of her own medicine and it was too much to take.
She loved Piper. That had to count for something. Her life felt impossible to envision without Piper by her side. Piper had fled, taking Alex's hopes and dreams with her. All that was beautiful in Alex's world lost its allure as Piper departed. Drink was less intoxicating, food was less tasty, even colours didn't seem s vibrant. Perhaps her world was more dull without Piper, or perhaps Alex had dove too deep in this thing called love. And Piper knew she had her. And Piper had been merciless in walking away, leaving Alex with a broken heart and shattered dreams. She left Alex as a shell of the person she once was, and for that Alex could never forgive her. Her heart thumped, nothing but a muscle now. Her existence had whittled down to nothing but functionality. Without Piper, she didn't desire anything or want anything.
Her eyes drifted to the briefcase filled with white powder. Maybe this was why people did drugs, to escape from the numbing pain of reality. Alex clicked open the briefcase and took her first dose of heroin.

End flashback

END FLASHBACK