Chapter Eleven
Piper had kept her head down, and trained her eyes on books rather than the happenings in the prison of late. It had been seven days since Alex had been sent to SHU. And Piper had never been more sure that what they had needed to finish. She was done being vulnerable and in love. Alex had never even told her she loved her.
'I heart you'. Piper recalled the exchange vividly. Even then, when Alex had every reason in the world to say it, she just didn't. Maybe Larry was right. Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe their constant falling in and out of love, was really just two adults falling in and out of lust. She frowned, even as she told herself this, she didn't completely buy it.
She wanted Alex, but there was so much tension and bad blood between them, maybe being together wasn't such a good idea after all. Yet, as life would have it, Piper had never been more sure of who she wanted. She just needed to figure out who she was first, and whether she could be a big enough person to love someone who had never told her they loved her in return.
Alex was led into the canteen by Mendez, several heads turned, inmates whispered and watched curiously. Pondering how much damage SHU had done to her. Alex maintained her composure. She had a brilliant poker face, and it was time she used it in prison. With her eyes meeting whoever dared stare at her, she headed to her room.
"Welcome, welcome..." Pennsatucky announced. She nodded at Mendez who walked away. Alex simply stared at Pennsatucky. Pennsatucky knew what she had done. She sheepishly presented a tray filled with food to Alex, "I had this prepared by Red for your return."
"This doesn't make us even." Alex said, taking the tray from Pennsatucky's hands.
"I know it'll take more than a meal. I aint no fool, ya know?"
Alex took a bite of the sandwich, savouring the textures.
"That's a double negative. You just called yourself a fool."
Pennsatucky shrugged, she perched on the edge of Alex's bed. Alex froze.
"What're you doing? Get off my bed."
Pennsatucky stood up quickly, "Sorry, I just... thank you, Vause. I owe you one."
"I know." Alex replied, coolly. Pennsatucky studied her.
"Anything I can do for you?"
"Can you leave me alone for twenty minutes?"
Pennsatucky obliged and headed out of the room. Alex took in a deep breath, savouring the cleaner air out here. She looked down at the food in her tray, then at the bed. Life really was made up of all the small amenities. Alex lay back down on her bed. She heard a slight rustle beneath her pillow. She frowned, reaching under it, she pulled out a brown paper bag. She opened the bag, inside was a bottle of rum with a note scribbled across the front, 'Welcome back Vause. Red'.
For this glorious gesture, Alex loved Red. This was exactly what she needed. She unscrewed it and took a few long swigs. It got to her head instantly, she hadn't had this much rum this quick in a long time, understandably her tolerance had gotten lower. This of course was good news, as it meant she needed less for a kick, and thus the rum would last longer. She took a few more swigs, then screwed the lid back on and hid the rum down the side of her bed.
"Hey..."
Alex froze at the voice. It was the same voice she had been training herself not to care about.
"Welcome back." Piper said, soft but distant. Alex studied her.
"Thanks."
Piper walked over to Alex and perched on the edge of her bed. Alex's heart began to pound in her chest. This wasn't good. No. Piper extended a friendly hand and squeezed Alex's. Alex pulled her hand away and shifted away from Piper, putting distance between them. Piper flinched.
"Sorry. I just wanted to see you. I shouldn't have..." She stood up. She was torn, that much was clear.
"I don't know what we are." Piper said, honestly. Alex kept her eyes on the ground. Piper sighed, "Will you say something?"
Alex remained still. Silently chanting at herself to block Piper out.
"Just...Lay your eyes on me. Look at me, Alex. Please." Piper's plea was a gentle and raw one. Piper hated herself for crumbling so quick, but if Alex didn't respond now, this was the last time Piper would let her guard down.
"So this is it..." Piper declared, Alex lifted her head and looked at Piper. Their eyes locked, Piper looked disappointed more than angry, "Suit yourself. I'm sorry I cared. And I'm sorry I loved you. It was clearly a huge mistake." With that, Piper walked away, leaving Alex alone on her bed.
Alex shut her eyes, wincing. This would have been much easier if she wasn't so attracted to Piper. It was as if there was no middle ground between the two, it was either absolute desire or repulsion, and they seemed to swing from one extreme to the other. But for the first time, though they were at the repulsion end of the spectrum, they were in sync. They were finally in sync.
Piper sunk back onto her bed, and batted her book aside in frustration. She noticed Pennsatucky walk by her room. She leapt to her feet, "Hey..." Pennsatucky sped up, alarmed. Not that Piper blamed her, their last altercation nearly killed Pennsatucky. Piper caught up with her as she rounded a corner and grabbed her by the arm, Pennsatucky put her arms up shielding her face.
"Leave me be she-devil!"
Piper scowled, rolling her eyes, "I just wanna ask you if Alex is okay..."
"Vause? She's good people. She hides it well. But she's good people. Never would've thought she'd take the fall for me."
"What?"
"The drugs...they was mine, but the lord was on my side and sent Vause just in time—Vause showed up and saved me from Parker—"
Piper's eyes widened, "And you blamed her?! Right after she saved your life?!"
Pennsatucky shrugged, "Everybody thought it was her anyway-so did you, if I remember it right."
Pennsatucky shrugged herself free of Piper's hold and hurried away. Piper remained glued to where she stood. Disbelief crept across her doe eyed features as a realisation dawned on her. She was an asshole. She was an actual asshole.
Alex sorted piles of clean clothes in the laundry room. She had drank one too many swigs of rum and wasn't sober enough to do her job properly. But she was terrific at faking it, so that was what she was doing.
"I know you weren't the one doing drugs." Piper's voice interrupted Alex's pleasant boredom. Alex's eyes landed instantly on Piper's lips. She scolded herself and turned her gaze back to the clean laundry. Piper walked up to Alex, "Alex. I'm talking to you."
Piper had never been a needy person, but for the first time in forever, she needed Alex to lay her eyes on her. To just look at her, how she used to.
"I want to say I'm sorry. I'm a shit person. I'm a fuckin' shit person."
"Harsh but true." Alex said, refusing to look at Piper. Piper tried to catch her eye, but failed. She walked around the machines to join Alex, Alex instantly became aware of the scent of Piper's shampoo. And she hated herself for it.
Get a grip, she ordered herself.
Suddenly alarms blared throughout the prison, and Piper and Alex stared aghast as the door to the laundry room swung shut and automatically locked itself. It was protocol for emergencies.
"Wait...are we locked in here...indefinitely?" Piper exclaimed, hurrying over to the doors and hopelessly trying them. They didn't budge.
"Relax. I have rum." Alex said, a twinkle in her eyes. Yet she somehow managed not to look at Piper. Piper let out a defeated sigh, "Why can't anything just go right for once?"
"Can I offer you a drink?"
"Can it be a peace offering?"
"I don't want to be your friend." Alex said, Piper tried not to wince at the sentence. She took the bottle and took several swigs, perhaps too quickly.
"Then what do you want to be?" She asked, slamming her own eyes shut as the rum raced to her head.
"I don't want to be your anything..." Alex said, as if it was the most nonchalant statement ever to have been spoken. Piper looked at her in an astounded and baffled silence. Alex slipped the bottle out of her fingers and drank.
"Do you hate me that much?" Piper asked, her insides were too knotted up for her voice to be any louder. She blinked back tears as it sunk in. Alex was either clueless to Piper's anguish or she simply didn't care.
"It's not hate." Alex said, in what could only be described as a comforting tone. Piper stared at her, struggling to make sense of what the hell this was. She knew Alex. She loved Alex, even though Alex was so damaged. But whatever Alex was doing right now, Piper didn't understand it—and perhaps Piper's heart was too soft to understand such brutal emotional detachment. Alex slid the bottle to Piper, who now moved over so she was sat shoulder to shoulder with Alex, their backs against the solid wall.
"Then what it is...?" Piper breathed the words, before taking another swig of the rum. She wished she had a stronger drink. Alex's replies delivered a more crushing blow to her heart the more Alex spoke. But Piper couldn't leave this stone unturned. And at the same time, she could not react. Her head couldn't wrap itself around it.
"I don't want to be attached to you. I don't wanna feel attached, you know?" Piper could smell the rum on Alex's breath, her words were laced with the faintest slur. And even when drunk, Alex was mesmerising to her. Devastatingly.
"Sounds a lot like hate." Piper said, her voice hollow.
Alex gave a half-bothered shrug, "I'm just tired..." Her longing eyes drifted to Piper's.
"I want to kiss you." The words escaped Alex's lips as whispers. Piper just stared at her. Alex wanted to use her, just as she used rum, heroin and other substances.
"Don't." Piper answered.
Alex leaned her head against Piper's shoulder. Piper's heart began to pound. She silently hated herself for being so drawn to Alex. Alex pressed her lips against Piper's neck. Piper's eyes shut as she leaned in to Alex's touch. Hating herself more with the enjoyment of each soft kiss on her neck. Alex's nose grazed Piper's now. Piper let Alex kiss her, deeply. Slowly. Piper felt a familiar racing of her heartbeat as the kiss intensified. Piper suddenly pulled away. She couldn't do this.
"Come on..." Alex urged in a teasing tone.
Piper glared at her, unsure whether she was more hurt than furious.
Didn't you hear what you just said to me?"
It suddenly dawned on Alex, that perhaps she had been too honest. The dismay on Piper's face made her conscience writhe with discomfort.
"What is wrong with you?" Piper asked before getting up and walking over to the doors. Alex watched as Piper curled up on the floor, facing the doors.
Alex winced, "I'm sorry." She confessed. Piper didn't respond, she kept her hurt gaze trained on the doors. She just wanted to get the hell out of this room. Away from Alex. Away from her head, and away from her heart.