Chapter fifteen

Alex was sat with Morello as the two ate their lunch. Nicky was still in the queue, as was Piper . Alex watched Piper, then glanced down at her plate and fiddled with a piece of bread. Some thing was on her mind.
"Amber's sweet." Morello managed between chomps, her eyes landed on Alex's; they had a strange way of being both delicate and direct, "so you fuckin' her?"
Alex stopped playing with the piece of bread and stared at Morello in disbelief. The frankness was sometimes too much to deal with.
"Jesus Morello. It's called privacy." Alex remarked taking a bite of her bread. Morello raised an eyebrow, "that a 'yes'?"
"It's a 'none of your business'." Alex replied defensively. Morello chewed her food and eyed Alex. Alex swallowed the bread then studied Morello, "what?"
"What about Piper?"
"What about her?" Alex asked, making it clear the topic was starting to piss her off.
"Jeez don't be so defensive, anyone would think you feel guilty or some thing..."
"I hate this place." Alex muttered, tossing what was left of her bread onto the plate.
"Sorry for asking, jesus." Morello said, equally frustrated.
"How're things with Nicky?" Alex enquired, turning the tables. Morello studied Alex, considering trusting her or not, then decided to.
"They aren't the same. She barely even looks at me."
"Ouch."
"Yeah, but there's something more hurtful about her being polite with me, than her confronting me. You know? It's like she just doesn't care to even fight for me, or with me. I don't know. I don't like it, that's all I know."
"Why don't you bring it up?"
"No. The only thing that'll hurt more than thinking she doesn't care anymore, is knowing it." Morello admitted, a sad look in her brown eyes. Alex nodded, "So have you guys been...?" She trailed off. Morello gave Alex a sheepish look, "Despite my efforts...no. Like I said, she just...doesn't wanna go down this road again. She thinks I'll bail if he ever gets in touch with me."
"The fiancé?"
"Ex." Morello corrected.
"Well, will you?"
"Honestly, I don't know."
Alex sighed for Morello, the two glumly ate their food until Morello's eyes lit up.
"What's she like?"
"Amber? You've met her."
"No, I mean in bed..."
"This conversation isn't happening." Alex clarified.
"Who's better, Piper or Amber?" Morello asked.
"Yeah Alex," Nicky's voice said from behind them, "which one?" Alex and Morello turned around to find Piper stood beside a bemused Nicky. Piper turned on her heel and walked away.
"Piper wait-" Alex began, but Piper kept walking. Alex got up and followed her, but Piper took shelter in Red's kitchen. Red stepped in Alex's way, "I think you should let her be for now, Vause." Red advised. Alex glanced over her shoulder at Piper who didn't even look back at her. Something wrenched inside her gut, the familiar swell of frustration and defeat Litchfield often filled her with, began brewing in her chest.
"Eat your lunch." Red suggested, "your girlfriend is waiting." Red nodded past Alex's shoulder, Alex followed her gaze to find Amber sat with Nicky and Morello, laughing and talking. Alex groaned to herself, this is bad. She couldn't leave things like this with Piper.
"Piper...will you just talk to me?" She asked, her voice desperate. Piper ignored her, while Norma threw a glare her way.
"Oh screw this." Alex declared and pushed past Red. Norma instantly leapt to her feet, prepared to defend Red to the ends of the earth. Piper stood up too, "wait, wait, it's okay. Give us a minute." Piper said to Red. Red looked at Alex, the strong women locked eyes. Alex didn't falter and neither did Red.
"Please." Piper requested from Red.
"C'mon, Norma." Red instructed as she brushed past Alex, Norma followed closely behind. Alex let out a relieved breath, "look, Piper, -"
"I'm over it, Alex."
"If there's a chance in hell that we can be civil, then maybe you should calm down and hear me out—"
"I said I'm over it. I'm done. Fuck being civil and fuck you." Piper said, forcing herself to keep it together as she stood her ground.
Alex looked genuinely wounded, but Piper didn't care, nor did she want to.
"You were in a big hurry to get yourself a girlfriend, well now you have one—"
"She's not my girlfriend."
"Tell that to Amber." Piper uttered.
"Why're you being like this?" Alex tried.
Piper scoffed, "being like what? Being offended that I was just a notch on your belt—"
"I have never said that—" Alex said firmly.
"You didn't have to. So go on, enlighten me, who was better in bed me or Amber?"
"Listen to yourself. You're being ridiculous. Nicky was just messing around—"
"With me. Alex. With my feelings, and my heart."
"A second ago you were over it." As the words left her lips, Alex instantly wished they hadn't. Something inside Piper changed. Her expression hardened and she locked eyes with Alex.
"We're over. For good. Stay away from me."
Alex stared at her, "You don't mean that."
"Did I fucking stutter?" Piper asked, seething. Alex was at a loss for words, all she could do was watch Piper's change of heart sink in. Piper tossed her lunch tray aside and brushed past Alex, leaving Alex standing alone in her wake. Alex pressed her back against the wall and lowered herself to the ground. How did things always get this messed up between them?

Alex returned to the table where Nicky was sat with Morello and Amber.
Noticing her withdrawn state, Nicky asked, "You alright Vause?"
Barely noticing the question, Alex sat on the bench. Amber was sitting across from her on the table. She reached out and gently grazed Alex's chin, "lighten up." She quipped then leant across the table intending to kiss Alex. Alex pulled away and stood. Amber gave her a puzzled look, then glanced at Nicky and Morello.
"I need some space." Alex managed.
"What?" Amber asked, confused by the shift in her. Nicky gave Alex a concerned look, "What's going on?"
Alex ignored her and began walking away, Nicky grabbed her arm.
"Easy there, speedy—"
"From everyone." Alex said coolly.
Nicky let go of her arm and let her walk away. A distressed Amber turned to Morello and Nicky.
"What's going on?"
"Oh sweetheart, trust us, you don't wanna know." Morello sighed.
"Try me." Amber suggested. Nicky glanced to Morello, who gave her a consenting nod.

Alex sat on her bed, and thought back to how they had reached this point. She thought back to the agony of Piper breaking her heart all those years ago, and how despite thinking she had gotten her power back, Piper had just managed to crush her again.
It was her own fault. In trying so hard to get over Piper, Alex had pursued Amber, not thinking it would have implications like this. Alex expected to use Amber to get over Piper, and she knew just how heartless that seemed but she had to try it. She had to try something. Loving Piper was ruining her. In Alex's eyes, Amber was never more than a fling, a lustful tryst, but even that was something Alex had to convince herself of. The truth of the matter was crystal clear, Alex's heart had set on Piper and never let go. No matter what she did or said, no matter how hard she tried not to, she simply did. She loved Piper. That sort of love was terrifying for a person like Alex, it was crippling. And Alex had grown selfish in protecting herself, she would admit that. But she hadn't thought, even for a second, that Piper's anguish would outweigh her own suffering. This changed things.
What am I doing? She asked herself, she knew the answer inside out. She was being a coward, but in the end it was all she was good at. She would always keep herself safe. That's what got Piper in prison to start with, the fact that Alex was watching her own back. The danger of loving Piper as much as she did, was that Alex had often ended up covering Piper's back instead of her own.

Piper slumped onto her bed, she was furious. Who did Alex think she was? It was Piper's heart, and Piper would take it back. It was that simple. Enough was enough. Alex didn't get a free pass at hurting Piper however and whenever she could. Piper was no saint, but Alex certainly wasn't either.
The fact that Alex had still sought somebody out to be unfaithful with, after Piper had told her how she felt, after Piper had told her how her fooling around with Nicky made Piper feel, and especially after being too much of a coward to tell Piper she loved her... it was just not okay any more. Somewhere along the line, the suffering had stopped being worth it. Piper only wished she had realised sooner than later, that she was being taken for a complete ride.
Maybe this moment would have hurt a lot less, had she been more shrewd and selfish. Larry was using her for his own means, Alex was screwing around, and once again Piper found herself very much alone, but she was beginning to realise that she wasn't such bad company. She deserved better than this. Better than the cheating and the drama, and the double standards.
Alex made Piper feel like a monster for breaking her heart once. But Alex had broken hers several times now, and let her down dozens of times lately. Piper scoffed sadly as she reminded herself that Alex had never told Piper she loved her.
I've been such a fool. It was at that moment, Piper Chapman decided to move on and never look back. She had the will power to follow it through. And she would.