Chapter thirty three
Alex was over it? How could somebody just decide to be over you all of a sudden, Piper wondered. It was tearing her apart to know Alex knew. She felt awful but perhaps what was worse was Piper wouldn't do it different if she could go back in time. She knew she would sell out Alex over and over if it meant she got to keep Alex nearby.
What she once assumed was a paralyzing fear of being alone had now evolved into something else when it came to Alex, it had evolved into the fear of losing Alex. Piper was in love with Alex, if that meant she was dependent on Alex, so be it. If that meant she wanted only Alex and nobody else, so be it. The only downside of this was that such a conclusion left Piper as nothing more than putty in Alex's hands. She was entirely dependent on Alex's mercy.
This may not be healthy, but not because love was unhealthy but moreso it was to do with the nature of the one in power. In this case, it was Alex. Unlike Piper, Alex would never do anything to spite or hurt Piper. This was where they differed, Piper had done things in the past to hurt Alex in order to protect herself, and despite Alex's own commitophobia, her own trust issues, she had never intentionally set out to hurt Piper out of anger.
Alex's only motive to sleep around and do drugs were to numb the pain and anguish of a broken heart. Those things were done to feel good. Piper didn't know much about Alex due to Alex's mysterious nature, but she had garnered that Alex was not a vindictive person, nor was she manipulative. It had been Piper who brought that into their relationship.
A lump formed in Piper's throat, making it hard to swallow. She had hurt this person and rejected this person at the first sign of struggle, every single time. She had broken Alex's heart when Alex's mom died, she had chosen Larry, she had played games. But when all was said and done, here she was, frustratingly, unwaveringly in love. With Alex.
Alex was furious, her thoughts raced through her mind, and for a moment she worried she might lose it for good. She knew exactly what it was about Piper that made everything Piper did reduce Alex into a mess. She was in love with Piper. It certainly was not a choice. That was something Alex discovered the hard way, and the same love had robbed her of her life, her heart, her confidence, her self respect, her independence and not it had robbed her of her freedom. She had an extended sentence and the worst part was, Piper would be out before she was. And that killed her. Piper's love had killed her with cruelty over and over.
She was a monster, she knew that. Alex knew she was a flawed person, but Piper was no saint either. She resented Piper for getting into her heart and head. She hated her right now. And the worst part was, the hatred came from a place of hurt not a place of anger. Alex Vause was far more comfortable with anger than she was with hurt and vulnerability.
But Piper Chapman had a funny way of breaking her down and leaving her in pieces. She had done her best to play it cool since returning to Litchfield. She had even been concerned for Piper. She hated herself for being such a fool. Piper wasn't herself due to the guilt, due to knowing she played Alex and messed with her freedom to make sure Piper had a buddy on the inside. It made Alex feel sick.
She pushed Piper out of her mind, she was over it. That's what she told herself again and again. She was done.
Like Piper, Alex too would concentrate on her own happiness, a lesson she ought to have learnt from the self-serving blonde she had fallen for many years ago. But there was no time like the present for making changes.
"Vause, I don't feel too good…" Nicky's voice groaned from beyond a slightly ajar door. Alex looked at the door to store room, she pulled it open to find Nicky huddled over, shuddering.
"Fuck Nichols." Alex muttered. She could spot a junky on the verge of an overdose from a mile away. Alex glanced around then slipped into the storage room and shut the door behind her.
"I'm so cold." Nicky whispered, her entire body shuddering. Alex wrapped an arm around her.
"You stupid girl." Alex muttered, comfortingly. Nicky hung her head, "I think I'm gonna hurl…"
"It's okay." Alex reassured her, she ran a comforting hand through Nicky's hair.
"Please don't tell Red. She'll never forgive me…" Nicky's gagged, "I can't look her in the eye anymore…" The utter dejection in Nicky's voice made Alex's eyes sting with tears.
Nicky threw up, her body felt cold and clammy against Alex's arm. In the darkness of the storage room, Alex strained to spot a light switch. She extended her free arm toward the shelf while cradling Nicky close. In the dark, her hand clumsily found some papertowels. She dabbed Nicky's mouth with a papertowel then placed them on the ground.
"Nicky, where's the rest of the stash? Tell me, or I'll leave you here to die. I'm not kidding. I've had enough of crazy bitches."
"Jesus, Vause, you sure have a way with words."
"You think I'm kidding?" Alex challenged, there was an edge to her voice that Nicky had never heard before.
"The kitchen. Behind the air con." Nicky confessed, "I'm sorry-"
"Shut up." Alex advised. Nicky was sick again. She trembled in Alex's arms, she was scared and exposed. Alex glanced down at Nicky, knowing she had reduced many young people to the same fate as Nicky's, all for money. She was just as bad as Piper. In that moment, she decided to be better than Piper Chapman. She decided to be better than the drug mule she had been in the past. The same destructive patterns that had landed her in here twice would not be repeated. Nor would she repeat those mistakes, one of which was Piper Chapman.
From the mess of Nicky's near death overdose, Alex Vause arose renewed. Things would be different this time. She had existed for twenty odd years without needing Piper or danger, or drugs. She could get back to that. She needed to.
It was a Tuesday morning when Piper found herself sat very much alone during breakfast. Inmates kept glancing in her direction. Alex was nowhere to be seen, nor was Nicky. Piper assumed that Nicky and Alex were probably a thing now. The thought made her heart ache, she knew that without Alex she would feel alone forever. Even if she found another partner, she would still want Alex. But she wasn't worthy of even looking at Alex right now, let alone pursuing that.
And Alex had done the impossible, in a prison where people were stuck together against their wishes, Alex had managed to avoid Piper entirely for three weeks now.
Three weeks was a long time. Morello was probably Piper's only remaining confidant now, everyone else had gradually started giving Piper odd suspicious looks. Piper was no fool, word had gotten out about what Piper did to get Alex back in prison. Even Boo was avoiding her. The ladies of Litchfield were not impressed and this made for dangerous company in a prison.
"Hey Chapman," Morello's voice chimed. Piper glanced up from her food, she noticed the way everyone was watching her. "I think we should eat outside today." Morello's voice was sheepish. An inmate shoved past Morello aggressively, knocking Morello's food to the ground.
Morello gave Piper a pleading look. Angered by their attempt to bully her and Morello, Piper stood up and helped pick up Morello's food off the ground.
"Morello, you have my lunch. If you wanna sit outside and eat, you go ahead. I'm staying right here. You hear me?"
Piper said loudly, "I'm staying right here."
Brooke glanced at the other inmates. Morello shook her head at Piper, panic in her eyes. "Chapman, please. With no Red here to protect us—"
"I'm not afraid." Piper said. The inmates had stopped eating and had started to gather round Piper and Morello.
"You should be, Chapman. There's no such thing as friendship in prison…" Boo's voice taunted as she emerged from the crowd.
"Back off Boo." Piper said with gritted teeth. Boo chuckled, bemused.
"Why, who's gonna save you? By which I mean, who haven't you sold out to cover your own ass?"
The inmates jeered in support of Boo.
"Chapman, don't-" Morello pled. Boo shoved Piper, Piper lost her footing and stumbled into Suzanne and Taystee. Suzanne and Taystee raised their hands, refusing to bully Piper but also refusing to defend her.
Is what I did that bad? Piper began to wonder as alarm gripped her. Boo strolled up to Piper, with a limp and a smirk.
"Boo, back off." Piper repeated. Her annoyance at Boo and the inmates was slowly turning into fear. Boo grabbed Piper by her prison shirt and pulled her in close.
"You want a taste of Boo?" Boo taunted. Piper glanced worriedly at the crowd, but no one stepped forward in her defense. She was on her own. Boo leant close and licked Piper's cheek slowly. The crowd cheered and jeered. Piper realized how powerless she was beneath Boo's might.
Her eyes searched for Morello, who was nowhere to be seen. Piper headbutted Boo hard. Boo let go of her for a brief moment, it sent Piper falling to the ground. Boo grabbed Piper by her legs and pulled her across the floor then climbed on top of her.
"NO! Get off've me!" Piper cried. She watched as even Brooke and Bursett shrank away into the crowd. She knew the look of fear and intimidation on their faces. Boo was about to force herself on Piper in front of everyone.
Boo pinned Piper's arms back with one arm then slowly lifted her sweatshirt. The crowd chanted like animals. Their excitement and fascination palpable, along with their fear.
"Boo, stop!" Piper shouted, "STOP IT!"
The hungry look on Boo's face terrified her. It wasn't about the sex, Piper had been with a woman before. It was about the powerlessness and the violation. If Boo got her way, Piper didn't know what she would do…
A loud thwack! To the head sent Boo toppling over, her weight landing on Piper. The crowd whooped. Nicky and Morello peeled an unconscious Boo off of Piper. Alex lowered the lunch tray she had accosted Boo with and tossed it aside. She put out a hand and pulled Piper up to her feet, as she did, she put a jacket over Piper's shoulders.
"Leave her alone. Chapman's one of the good ones." Alex announced to the crowd, who fell into a stunned silence. Piper herself was stunned.
Boo groaned as she clambered to her feet, "the fuck?" She enquired, "she sold you out!"
"Yeah, and I'm the reason she's in here in the first place. What's between me and Chapman stays that way. If anyone messes with her, they're messing with me and Red."
Just like that Boo bowed her head and backed off, "sorry Chapman, I was just playing." The crowd began to disperse.
"Morello told us what was happening. Are you okay?" Alex asked, Piper studied her. Alex was looking at Piper as if she wasn't there. She was concerned but it was the kind of concern a stranger showed another.
Her eyes drifted to Nicky who stood beside Alex. Are they inseparable now?
Piper nodded, fighting back the tears in her eyes.
"Yeah…" she managed a soft whisper as she took her eyes off Alex. "Thanks."
Nicky patted Piper on the shoulder, "Don't worry Chapman, you may be a dick but Vause isn't one."
"Like I said, thanks." Piper repeated before turning away and heading out of the canteen. Alex watched Piper walk away alone.