Chapter Thirty Four
A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the big gap. I'll update frequently as possible. Thank you as always for all the reviews and reads, I hope you continue to enjoy it.
Her head hurt as she walked through the artificially lit corridors of Litchfield. She had been slocked, Rosa was gone, Vause was back and Nicky was keeping something from Red. Red did not appreciate that. Nor did she appreciate that Vee got away after what she did to Red.
"Welcome home," Nicky's voice chimed behind Red as she rounded the corner. She gave Nicky a brisk nod and turned her attention to the busy food court in front of her.
"What? No hug?" Nicky asked, half joking and half insulted. Red gave her an irritated look. Nicky sighed and rolled her eyes. Red clenched her jaw, she couldn't begin to fathom how much being away from this place may have weakened her standing in here. She needed to exert her power, get back to the top of the ladder.
Her eyes moved across the busy room, the Latinas were still in the kitchen, the meth heads still grouped together. Nothing ever changed in a place like Litchfield. It was amusing to Red that even the most disorderly people could find order and comfort in cliques and routines in prison. Nicky handed Red a rolled up newspaper.
"So you don't feel like the outta tune fossil you are…" Nicky quipped. Red took the newspaper and without taking her eyes off the crowd, she began to mutter. Nicky leant closer to hear, "I will find out what you're keeping from me, Nicky…"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Nicky said defensively.
"You are…sheepish. You are never sheepish. I will find out." With that Red stalked over to the trays and picked a tray for herself.
She couldn't help but smile as the room fell silent and everybody stared at her. Power always gave her a kick.
I still got it.
"Red's back and she'll find out." Nicky announced as she walked into the laundry room. Alex and Morello looked up. Morello frowned, "what?"
"She'll find out…that uh… that uh…I traded in her recipes for an extra serving of dessert with the cooks. What're you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be with Chapman?"
"I haven't seen Chapman in a while. She's been keeping to herself." Morello said, with a pointed look in Alex's direction. She stood up, "but you enjoy yourself Nicky. I know you're not cursed with a conscience like the rest of us…" She scowled and brushed passed Nicky as she left.
"You say that like it's a bad thing…!" Nicky called after her. She turned to Vause who gave her a smile that managed to be impressed and ridiculing simultaneously. "Trading in recipes for extra dessert? Quick-thinking, batman."
"Shut up, Vause. I have a rep to maintain. Red will kill me herself if she finds out. She'll actually kill me, and as for Morello…"
"I thought you two were done for good."
"She's psychotic but you know, we had great times…" Nicky said with a half-hearted shrug, "besides, everyone's entitled to their one fucked up relationship."
This drew a laugh from Alex, "Just one? I've had more than my fair share of those."
"I think of it like philanthropy." Nicky explained, "we take all of the fucked up relationships, ergo leaving only the good ones for the remainder of humankind."
"Those drugs really messed up your head." Alex remarked. Nicky shifted uncomfortably. Alex noticed.
"What?"
"Chapman and the others might put up with this holier than thou shit you're pulling around here, but I don't buy it for a second."
Alex's expression was hard to read, as usual. Undeterred, Nicky continued, "you're a glorified drugdealer, you got hundreds like me hooked and your girlfriend screws you over once, suddenly you're better than me and everyone else in this place because you've decided to be?"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Sure, Vause. Keep telling yourself that."
Alex stood up, "you know what Nicky? Grow up. Face what you are and make a change instead of hiding behind calling people on their shit."
"Oh please!" Nicky scoffed.
"Ok, how about I call you on yours? Stalking the fuckin hallways for any sign of affection then petrified of Red finding out you've been using again, all because of what? Because your mother never loved you? Maybe she would have if you weren't such a fucked up mess. Jesus Nicky."
Alex didn't notice the crestfallen look on Nicky's face, instead she vented on having stayed silent over Nicky's shortcomings for too long.
"You're an adult, you don't need a mother figure. Man the hell up and face what yourself for fuck's sake!"
Alex's words hung in the air between them. Nicky stared at her, "you're a piece of shit." Nicky declared, her voice catching in her throat.
Alex found herself too still to move, she could tell she had just broken something between them. And it made her feel sick.
"Nicky… I'm sorry-" Alex began as Nicky stormed out of the room.
"Fuck off!" Nicky called without looking back.
Alex exhaled softly, "shit…"
Piper jogged her thirteenth lap of the grounds, the sun was bright but the air was cold. She kept on going. The pain seemed to make her feel better. Her muscles ached and her heart hammered in her chest. What had nearly happened with Boo in there had freaked her out. And ofcourse the universe would have it that Alex Vause was her savior. It made Piper feel sick. She stole Alex's freedom because she needed her.
The scary thing was, Alex didn't need Piper. This much had grown clearer as time went on. The more Piper thought about it, the more apparent it became. Why else would Alex name her in the first place? Why else was Alex perfectly content in screwing other people… How else could Alex totally blank Piper and not care. Because Alex didn't need Piper.
Perhaps it was the anguish of realizing what a coward Piper was that made her push herself against her own limits and keep on running. Tears stung her eyes as it all sunk in. Piper never needed Larry. She never needed anybody, how did she end up like this?
She was the same Piper who walked out on Alex when it had suited her and she didn't think Alex was worth the trouble.
God, Piper thought, When did I become such a shitty person?
She stole someone's freedom. She took away the freedom, albeit temporarily, from the person she claimed to love and that was possibly the ugliest thing Piper Chapman had ever done.
"Stop running, you're giving me a neck ache…" A thick Russian accent complained. Piper looked up from the grass to see Red, her red hair freshly cut, a bandaged on her forehead. Piper rushed over to Red and engulfed her in an embrace. Red stiffened momentarily. She had never had daughters, only sons. But the way Chapman clung to her in a welcome of sorts, made her wish she had had daughters.
"Alright, alright…" Red said after a moment, "That's enough…don't wanna look weak, you know?"
Piper nodded, "How are you?"
"so-so… Vee is dead and gone…I missed the entire thing." Piper shook her head, only Red would complain about missing bad news.
"What're you doing out here alone? What're you running from?"
Piper stared at Red.
"You haven't heard?"
"I have." Red revealed, "but I don't understand why it's got you down. You acted from a place of need. People do whatever they need to do. That's life."
"right…" Piper said sarcastically, "I needed Alex in here to hate me."
"No, Chapman… you needed her in here. With you. Full stop."
Piper shrugged, "it's still pretty fucked up… that I did that."
"Vause is the entire reason you ended up doing time," Red exclaimed in Piper's defense. She hated it when people who were capable of defending themselves didn't.
"Everyone hates me." Piper said, her voice was hollow now. "because they know that I'm the heartless bitch who has no sense of loyalty."
"Chapman… I think you should remind yourself why you did what you did. And then grow a pair." She stepped closer, gesturing at her wounded head, "because if you let them…they will eat you alive. Nobody here wants to face their own shit. They're starving to have someone to channel that at." In an unexpected act of sentimentality, Red gently touched Piper's chin, her wise eyes resting on Piper's as she imparted her advice.
"Don't let the bastards get you down."
Piper found herself nodding in realization.
"If you're a piece of shit, be the biggest piece of shit. Don't be ashamed. That's how they keep you weak. Weak in head, weak in heart. And I don't need my right hand girl to be weak." Red said with a wry smile, Piper stared at Red then hugged her again. Red stiffened, "this is what we just talked about."
Ashamed piper quickly pulled away, "right….sorry."