Chapter thirty eight

Alex had never been one to care much, let alone get attached to someone to the point of worrying about losing them. Piper Chapman was Alex's first real attachment in some respects, she was also Alex's only attachment. The finality to Piper's words wouldn't stop dogging at the corners of her heart. The idea of not fucking up each other's lives anymore did something to her. It wasn't fear, or sadness, it simply made her heart ache. The ache was constant and only seemed to intensify. It had been fifteen minutes since Piper's words and brought everything to a screeching halt and normally Alex would give the blonde a few hours, or days even to cool down. Piper didn't have much time left in Litchfield, she would be free. Out and about, meeting people, living, but Alex…? Alex would be doing time. That didn't scare her, it just…sucked. Being away from Piper for real would suck.
All of a sudden thoughts Alex didn't like started scuttling through her mind, thoughts like what if fate had tossed them back together in prison because it was a second chance? Or what if it had tossed them back together in prison because prison was the only place they had a shot at growing the fuck up and realising they're meant for each other? What if they had blown that chance? What if this…really was it? What if it was over with?
Piper seemed all out of steamed this time. She was spent. Definitively done with the melodrama. The problem wasn't that they were both flaws, the problem was the flaws of the other kept harming them. That was the problem.
No it's not. Alex confessed to herself, the fucking problem is I need to grow up. Piper was right, Alex was sort of explorative and open to hooking up with any interesting options, and if there was one person Alex would allow to be territorial or possessive over her, it was Piper. The problem with Piper was, she never told Alex straight up what she needed. Piper would do anything to survive and Alex would do anything to keep her options open. Alex had taken a chance on Piper before, and it had back fired, she had taken a second chance on Piper and it had blown up in her face and she ended up back in here…and now…What the fuck do I do?

Piper peaked into the corridor, she was intent on avoiding Rose at all costs. She was intent on never seeing Alex ever again. And she was totally intent about getting out of Litchfield in a few months' time. Fuck prison, fuck Rose, fuck Alex, fuck fuckin' shared showers, Fuck EVERYTHING. The unladylike train of thought played over and over in her mind, her pulse hammered. She had had enough. She couldn't take the devastation of realising the one person she loved so much did not love her back. Piper always did things that made her feel good, she did things that ended in her favour… Falling for Alex, did not end in her favour. Not the first time, nor the second. And nor the tenth. Fuck it all.
Good bye fucking Litchfield, I need to get back to normalcy, to Polly, to my parents, to scented soap for the love of God.
"Piper, you avoiding me?"
Piper narrowed her eyes and glanced to the right, there was the gorgeous and infuriatingly innocent looking Rose.
Piper didn't say a word, she half-considered sprinting for the hall but knew she still had a month or so to pass with these people. People?! More like animals. She simmered.
"Piper, look, I'm not really into exclusivity…and I should've said."
"Oh, and you figured who best to be non-exclusive on Piper with? Oh, how about her ex?" Piper remarked.
"Said it yourself, 'ex'…" Rose gave Piper a faux-wince. Piper clenched her jaw.
"Stay away from me, I'm over people who make shitty choices to end up here then fuck with my life."
Rose's mouth hung open, she just stared after Piper as Piper stalked off.
"I didn't mean to hurt you…!" Rose shouted, but it was pointless. Her thing with Piper Chapman was over and out.
"Women…" Rose muttered beneath her breath.

Piper rounded the corner and found herself in the chapel. She spotted a Walkman on the ground, she smiled sadly. Nicky must have dropped it during one of her alone-times in here. Nicky would come here to kill time, maybe think and drink alittle…Piper put the headphones on and lay back onto the ground. She stared at the cracked ceiling above her as old rock and roll anthems played. For the first time in days she felt peaceful, empty, worn out, destroyed but resting. It was the worst and best kind of peace, when you had nothing left to give. She lay there, a shell of herself, letting her thoughts drift into a mesh of electric guitars and vocals.
Five minutes passed when Piper thought she heard a rumbling nearby. Before she could turn her head, a pair of eyes which drew both terror and sympathy from Piper simultaneously came into view. Suzanne.
"Argh!" Piper shrieked partially surprised and partially afraid.
"Sorry, Dandelion, are you okay? Why are you lying down? I almost ran you over." She said as Piper pulled off the headphones and turned to see the floor buffer.
"That would really hurt…" Piper said, Suzanne nodded.
"It does according to Brooke. She's seeing the nurse."
Piper raised an eyebrow at Suzanne, who gave Piper a defensive look.
"What? It was a mistake." She sighed, as if it was some amusing misunderstanding, "I told her to move and she didn't hear me-"
"So you drove through her?" Piper asked, doing her best to mask the alarm in her gut.
"Yes. Exactly. It was a mistake. She made the mistake of not hearing me…"
Piper narrowed her eyes at Suzanne, "sometimes, I think you pander to being odd."
"I love pandas."
"Ugh, nevermind. Look, Suzanne, I want to be alone if that's okay…" Piper grumbled as she sat up on the wooden stage. Suzanne seemed troubled by this and sat beside Piper.
"And you're doing exactly what I didn't want." Piper commented.
"Being alone is horrible. I was alone, like all the time.." Suzanne admitted, sheepishly.
"Don't be alone Dandelion."
"Alone is horrible but it's easier."
" And not being alone is more fun, but it's harder…" Suzanne said. Piper mulled over her words of wisdom.
"Am I an idiot for loving Alex?"
"That is a mistake, you don't love Alex. You just want her to like you so you can be happy."
Piper frowned, "what?"
"That's what you do," Suzanne shifted nervously, "isn't it? Atleast that's what people think you do…"
"What?!" Piper blurted, mortified.
"Doesn't make you a bad person, just makes you someone who does …that."
Piper fell silent for a few minutes. Suzanne always struggled to read people, but she got the impression their friendly chat was over.
"Bye Dandelion…" Suzanne said as she walked over to the floor buffing machine. Piper gave her a nod. Suzanne turned on the machine and it let out a deep rumble. She stopped the machine for a moment and looked at Piper.
"Blondie, it doesn't matter what you do, Specs still loves you. Everyone knows it."
"All this time I thought she was the asshole…" Piper muttered half to herself and half aloud.
"No, it's definitely you." She said, "bitches gotsta learn." Suzanne muttered before continuing with her duty.
Piper glanced down at the Walkman, it was time to accept that she would never fully understand whatever happened in Litchfield. She winced, Suzanne had sat with her out of concern and there was Piper, having such cruel thoughts about her. What am I becoming?
The sickening feeling in her gut twisted again as she remembered she had called the same inmates who had been there for her through so many ups and downs animals just now. What the fuck am I doing?
Tears welled up in her cobalt blue eyes but she made no effort to blink them back, instead she let the bittersweet dismay of all the fucked up things she had done while in prison dawn on her. It was no wonder Alex was over it. Piper hadn't grown one bit, she was still the same self-centred manipulator who did things for her own benefit. If anything, the ladies of Litchfield were better off without her. They only have a few more months of me, Piper thought. Her thoughts tried to sneak back toward the topic of Alex but Piper damned them not to. She just couldn't take it. She couldn't face the mess she had made of that topic. No. She was just doing time and getting out. Like the mandola yoga jones showed her in her first week at the Litch. All this back and forth, and when it was finished, it was finished.
Her life was somewhere else, her future was somewhere else…maybe it was even with someone else and if it wasn't, Piper decided, she was better off alone anyway. And for the first time in years, she was realising it was empowerment. Better to be lone and content than with someone and miserable. She sighed, better to be alone than to manipulate the person you love to the point where all you have between you is resentment and toxicity, Piper corrected.
She wasn't going to go easy on herself for what she had done. She owed Alex an apology, a real one. Then they could both go their own ways, maybe that was how it was meant to be, Piper thought. She wasn't convinced but she was tired of listening to her stubborn wants and desires. For once, she would let reason decide, because this wouldn't just affect Piper's happiness, it would affect Alex's too.
"Pipes." Alex's deep voice was like a replenishing lake on a hot day, it had a way of flooding the room but in an utterly enchanting, relaxed way.
"A-Alex…hey…" Piper said, she stood up and cleared her throat, then used her sleeve to wipe her tears.
"You okay?" Alex asked tentatively as she approached her old flame.
Piper nodded, smiling sadly, "had some unexpected realisations and uhm, someone needs to tell Suzanne what a mistake is…"
"Are we?" Alex asked. Piper paused.
"Are we what?"
Alex adjusted her glasses and folded her arms, "are we…a mistake?" She wasn't asking aggressively or desperately, she was completely calm. She had a way of letting Piper pour out her heart and soul by remaining perfectly still and gentle. Alex was good like that.
"You said we were, I just need to know if you meant it, because if you didn't…" Alex stepped closer. She held Piper's nervous gaze. Piper forced herself to keep it together. Despite saying her millionth goodbye to Alex Vause, every single emotion, every spark, every flame she felt was still there, burning as bright as ever.
"If I didn't…?" Piper asked in a voice so gentle, it was barely audible.
"When we get out of here, would you wanna spend what time we have left together," Alex couldn't read Piper's reaction, she started to ramble, "like we could do anything, go anywhere…all legal obviously. And even if its not, we'll plan it so we end up together in prison—you know how we love prison-"
This drew a laugh from Piper, who watched her endearing ex as tears made another appearance and rolled down her cheeks.
"You're crying…is that…that's bad, right? Like a no?" Alex mumbled, uneasy. Piper shook her head, but Alex didn't get what she meant.
"Fuck, Piper. You're killing me here…enough drama, it's time to face it. You're gonna get out of this place in a few months, you'll be living without me…I'm sure you'll work it out, but I don't really know what living would mean …if you know, you weren't living with me…" Piper cracked a smile, this was the most flappable Piper Chapman had seen the unflappable Alex Vause.
"Jesus, say something."
Piper kissed Alex, Alex smiled, "that's my favourite answer of all time, Pipes."
Piper hugged Alex tightly, "We are so never fighting again," Piper promised. Piper slipped her fingers into Alex's as they strolled down the aisle. Alex pressed her head gently against Piper's as they walked.
"So what do we do when we get out of here?"
"We could write a book…about us."
Alex scoffed, "Come on Piper, be serious, that wouldn't sell."
"Come on, we'd get a TV show out of it, ooh, who would play you? What if they make a movie?"
Alex chuckled, "…or…we can go to Hawaii and open up a bar and catch up on all the sunshine and scenery we missed out on in here…"
"That sounds good. Oh, we'll send Red a chicken."
"You know we're gonna have to visit everyone until they've done their time?" Piper asked.
"Fuck that, I'm never setting foot in here again. Not even by mistake."
"You can wait in the car."
"Deal."
Alex and Piper entered the main hall and came across Red who took one look at the hand-holding women and groaned aloud, "on again?" Before they could answer, she turned to the inmates, "they're on again! Whoever betted off again, you better pay up…!"