No. Not now. Shepard took a step back. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his head. Fuck, get a hold of yourself. Toombs is gone. The Spectre drew in a deep breath, trying to focus. Trying to ground himself like Chakwas had been talking to him about. It isn't real. Pull yourself back.
He opened his eyes. Toombs was still there, the man's eyes as wide as his own. "No, the maw pulled you under." Shepard growled, shaking his head. "I saw you go down. It's not possible…"
"I got away. From the thresher maws, at least." He spat, shooting a vicious look at the doctor who is gun was still aimed at. "Crawled out of those damn tunnels, half dead, then these bastards found me." He gestured angrily at the scientist, who raised his hands in surrender.
"Don't listen to him! He's insane. I demand he be taken into custody!" The doctor shouted.
"Shut up!" Toombs snarled. "You don't get to talk. You don't get to lie anymore about what you did." The soldier took a menacing step towards the frail-looking doctor. "They took me, Shepard. They were fucking delighted to find me still alive, so they could study the effect of maw venom on living tissue." Toombs looked back to Shepard, eyes mirroring his haunted expression. "They did enough to keep me alive, but just let it keep burning." Shepard's fists clenched as he remembered the agony of the venom burning into his back. They all died with acid eating into their flesh. To endure that for any period of time… Fuck. "They did it. Cerberus. They lured those maws to us, to see how they worked, how they attacked. To see how we would handle it." He spat at the doctor's feet. "Everyone died for some bullshit science experiment."
"I didn't know…" He muttered, trying to meet the corporal's gaze. They He looked manic. "I- I thought I was the only one. Toombs, I'm so sorry. I swear, if I knew, I would have come back for you. I would have found some way…"
"Oh, fuck you, Shepard." The corporal hissed. "I heard there was some new, hotshot human Spectre running around with your name, but I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. That you could do that. You left us." Shepard felt his throat dry. "You said you'd get us out. You told me we would make it out. And instead you got everyone killed? Then you go and get yourself some big, fancy job because of it!" Toombs was shaking, eyes wild. "You can shove your apologies and your promises up your ass. We trusted you, and you left. You left your team behind."
Shepard felt sick, shattered. "I didn't… They said you were dead. I thought… Shit, Toombs, I saw you pulled under…" Everyone was screaming. There was screaming, and then there was nothing. Quiet embraced him, crushed him. The quiet amplified the scents and sights of the dead. He was alone. "I didn't want to leave... They made me leave." He shouted at them as they tried to pull him away from his squad. They were dead. Why wasn't he? What made him different? He should be with them… Toombs glared at him, still shaking with rage and exhaustion. The man was wild. His gun shook with him.
The doctor took this as a chance to back away.
"Don't you fucking move." The commander snarled, pinning the small scientist with an icy glare. Something boiled in him looking at the shrewd, clinical man. He hadn't seemed surprised by Toombs' accusations. Shepard clenched his jaw, brow furrowing. It hadn't been an accident…
"Let me have this bastard, Shepard. He's the last one." He grabbed the doctor by the throat, and the small man spluttered desperately. "They have to pay for what they did to our unit. Don't you fucking try to take this from me."
"This is nonsense! He's obviously lost his mind!" The doctor shrieked, gasping. "I'm innocent. I demand a trial!"
"Toombs, you're sure it's him?" He knew they were supposed to bring this doctor in. But if he had done what Toombs had said… His hand tightened around his gun.
"I'm positive." Toombs snarled. "He watched with the rest of them while they kept me there, screaming. Begging them to kill me." His grip tightened on the doctor's throat.
"Shepard…" Ashley spoke up from behind him. He didn't answer her. They fucking killed them. They killed all of them. "You can't actually be considering – "
"Williams, join the others by the Mako." His eyes didn't leave the doctor, now scraping at the corporal's hand. You fucking bastard.
"What? Shepard, he could be innocent - "
"That's an order, Chief." A scoff, then footsteps falling towards the exit. The door swished open, then closed. He felt Garrus still present behind him.
"Let me do it, Shepard. Just walk away." Toombs was still staring at the doctor, hand not moving from his throat. "You walked away from this already. You got out with a few scars and a scary reputation. This is all I have." His voice was desperate. "All I have left."
Anger and sorrow and regret washed over him. His fists clenched, the muscles through his arms taut with tension. It was all a set up. It wasn't some freak accident. This man had caused it. This man deserved to die as slowly and brutally as he allowed the unit to. But… The Alliance wanted the doctor alive. Making this choice… Fuck! All he wanted to do was smash the doctor's face in. And really, the Alliance had helped cause this, hadn't they? They allowed Cerberus to exist. They allowed this to happen. Maybe not directly, but as always, they were too late. Too late in finding out what Cerberus truly was, too late in getting to Akuze, too late getting to Mindoir. I couldn't stop it. I left them, all of them. I couldn't stop it, and they didn't try.
But the Alliance was all he had left. Without the Alliance, he had no one, nothing except the anger and the loss.
"God damn it, just walk away, Shepard!" Toombs hissed. The doctor's face was turning blue. "You have no idea what they did. You have no idea… I have to do this. For the unit. I have to kill him for what he did."
"Toombs, you killed the rest of them?" He stepped towards the corporal. The man didn't look at him.
"No, not… They're dead. I sent the rest of these mercs to make sure of that." He spat, eyes narrowing.
"You didn't want to kill them yourself?"
"What? What the fuck does it matter, they're dead! Just get out of here, Shepard!" The doctor's struggle was weakening.
"Toombs, if you're alright with being a murderer, kill him. I won't stop you. You have every right. The fucker deserves it." Shepard growled, voice low and quiet as he watched Toombs clamp down again, cutting off a gasping breath from the small man. "But killing him won't bring them back, it won't change what they did to you."
"You have no idea- "
"No, I don't. You're right, I got off easy. They think I'm some kind of fucking hero for abandoning you. For getting them killed. For…" Shepard rolled his neck. "If you don't want to kill him, he will be punished. He'll answer for his crimes and lead us to the rest of his disgusting fucking friends. And you don't have to be a murderer. The Alliance will help you get back on your feet."
"It was years, Shepard. They kept me there for years. How am I supposed to let go of that? Just fucking say okay and let him get away with murder? This asshole will weasel his way out of it. He'll get away, somehow. He almost did here because he had an informant." Toombs rambled manically, shaking his head. His grip loosened momentarily and the doctor fought for air. "They're everywhere, Shepard. Fucking Cerberus."
"Then help me take them down. Admiral Hackett is trying to find information on them – if this bastard knows anything, it could help him stop them from doing this again. We've already found some of their other sick experiments. We have to stop them."
Toombs looked away from the doctor and stared at Shepard. "You're trying to take them all out?"
"The Alliance is. I've eliminated a few bases, but we came to a dead end. This doctor could be our next clue." Shepard confirmed, and Toombs evaluated him for a moment, some inner battle raging in his wide eyes. The commander prayed his words were true, that the Alliance would commit itself to taking down the rogue organization. They couldn't get away with this.
The doctor fell away from Toombs as the corporal released him. The small man coughed and spluttered, reaching to his own neck to rub at the angry red. Toombs glared at him in disgust, and Shepard mirrored the action. You should be dead. "He has to go to trial. He has to pay for what he did. And Cerberus is fucking dead."
Shepard nodded. "There's no way in hell they're getting away with this, Toombs."
The doctor began to stand upright, eyes watery and wide. "You have no evidence! I demand a lawyer, I will not speak until my attorney is prese – " The Spectre moved forward silently, reached back an armored fist, and knocked it straight into the doctor's face. The small man did not get up. Shepard looked over to Toombs. Some of the rage was leaving his eyes, and the marine now appeared empty. He still held his gun, though it was lowered, shaking.
"Come on, Toombs. Let's get out of here." Shepard murmured quietly, stepping towards the man.
"Why?" When he gazed back at the commander, there was no hatred, no blame. Just emptiness. "What's the point? You have him now. I'm done. They're all gone and now… It was years, Shepard. I have nothing now. No reason." The man stared blankly at Shepard. "What's the fucking point, Shepard?" His gaze fell to his gun. Shepard took another step towards him.
"Toombs, we'll get you help. We'll figure it out. One day at a time." He reached out tentatively, resting a hand on the corporal's shoulder. "You're not in this alone. I'm not leaving you behind again."
Toombs looked back up at him, staring warily at the commander. The man was totally lost. They held like that for a few moments. "I can't stop hearing their screams…" He said weakly.
Shepard let out a shaky breath. He had been so sick of the screaming. But it was the quiet that maddened him, after they all died. "I know." He said simply. An understanding passed between the marines, then Shepard moved away silently. He hoisted the doctor over his shoulder, and led Toombs and a silent, watchful turian out.
xxxxxxxxxx
"So, rough day, huh?"
"Not now, Joker."
"Yep. Alright. But, you know, just in case you were in the chatting mood, Admiral Hackett is requesting a mission report." The pilot spun back around to his controls, avoiding the heated glare the commander hit him with.
Shepard was exhausted, his head was pounding, his muscles straining from the constant tension. He walked from Normandy's boarding entrance straight to the comm room, pounding his hand against the door control. Why the fuck can't he wait? He strode across the room, punched in the commands, and soon the admiral's holographic form was in front of him.
"Shepard. Nice work with securing the doctor. Though the broken nose may have been unnecessary." Hackett's face, as usual, gave away nothing.
"Sir, can I do something for you?" Shepard strained to keep the hostility out of his voice.
"I was informed Corporal Toombs was dropped off with the fifth fleet along with the doctor." The admiral paused, watching Shepard for a moment. The commander simply stared back icily. "It could have gotten messy, Commander. I know it must have hard. But you handled the situation well." Messy? It was beyond fucking messy. "We'll make sure Corporal Toombs gets help coping with what he's been through, and we'll do our best to make sure justice is served for your unit."
Shepard bristled. "Permission to speak freely, sir?" He growled.
Hackett's holograph looked at Shepard curiously. "Granted."
"The Alliance's 'best' is what got them fucking killed in the first place. We need to do better. We need to take these fuckers out." His hands clenched the comm control. "Toombs deserves more. It's not about fucking coping, it's about making sure the bastards that did this won't do it again. That they pay for slaughtering my entire fucking unit. Cerberus needs to be destroyed, and the Alliance has to stop enabling them!"
"Commander."
"No! We can't let them get away with this again. We're supposed to be helping people, for fuck's sake! Instead, we hide this goddamn terrorist organization like some dirty little secret just because they were once black ops? What the fuck is that? We abandon our men to save face?"
"Commander, you need to calm down. Cerberus will be taken out. I am collecting everything I can to find their bases of operation. You bringing in the doctor will help with that. We're going after them as soon as we can."
"It's too fucking late!" He snarled. Hackett, of course, didn't flinch. He simply watched the commander. "It's always too late… Fuck." His hand slammed into the communications console. It still had a dent from the last time. He tried taking a deep breath, but the action was shaky.
"Commander Shepard, I suggest you get some rest." Admiral Hackett said in a tone that conveyed it was more of an order than a suggestion. "You've had a trying day. I'll keep you updated on our progress with Cerberus. Until then, focus on Saren."
Shepard lifted his gaze back to the admiral. "Yes, sir."
Hackett nodded. "And Commander, get a swear jar. Hackett out."
The holograph flickered out, and Shepard simply stood there, leaning against the console. Toombs had boarded the Alliance ship without a word to Shepard, simply glancing over his shoulder at his former squad mate then looking away again. Looking lost. The commander's hands curled around the control. He had just left the corporal again. Left him there with those military shrinks who were going to poke and prod and ask about his feelings. Shepard's stomach knotted and he pushed himself away from the controls. He opened the door and walked quickly around the corner and down the stairs. He boarded the elevator to the hangar, not bothering to go to his cabin to change. He needed to hit something. His breath was shallow and his heart was racing.
He should have just killed him. That man didn't deserve to live. Now he'd probably get off with some bullshit plea bargin… His fists clenched. Why didn't I just kill him? Kill him, and let the Alliance handle their own stupid fucking politics. The elevator door opened and Shepard strode across the hangar. Wrex was sleeping. The commander guessed it was late, but he'd lost track. Ashley was asleep too, he noticed. She had been silent on the way back from Ontarom. Of course, they all had, so that didn't say much. He reached the punching bag and started at it immediately. He knew he should leave, get some sleep, and let them rest instead of pounding rapidly on the large bag. But he couldn't just sit. All of it… it was too much. Toombs, Cerberus, finding out what really happened on Akuze. He grunted as a heavy swing impacted with the bag. It echoed through the silent hangar.
"Commander, odd time for some exercise, don't you think?" Garrus' familiar two-toned drawl sounded from behind him. Shepard took a deep breath, turning to face the turian.
"Sorry." He muttered, clenching and unclenching his fists. "Didn't mean to wake you up. Just a little restless."
"Don't worry about it, I wasn't sleeping either." Garrus surveyed him for a moment. "Want to spar?"
Shepard blinked, momentarily stunned. "What? Now?"
"That punching bag is going to be completely useless soon." The object gave a piteous creak as it swung back and forth to emphasize his point. "And it's been a while since I sparred a human, it'll be interesting."
The commander considered for a moment, but the tension still burning in his limbs convinced him. "Sounds good." He moved quickly to the middle of the hangar, a larger opening where it was easier to maneuver. He turned again to Garrus, and nodded.
The turian wasted no time. He was fast, long legs moving him quickly to the Spectre. Shepard barely had time to bring in his arm to block a jab aimed at his ribs. He managed to swing an elbow around to smash into the turian's mandible before receiving a quick uppercut in return. He stumbled back and grunted in pain, having bitten his tongue, but bull-rushed forward, slamming Garrus back and pummeling his flank.
The turian grunted, temporarily overpowered by the commander's bulky frame. But a jab to the gut had him reeling, and Garrus sensed his loosened grip and pushed back, slamming Shepard's jaw with another hit. The commander weaved away from a following punch, then lashed out with one of his own. He hit the turian square in the face, and Garrus stumbled back ever so slightly, mandibles flexing painfully. But he came back just as quickly, taloned fists flying at the commander. Shepard spent all his time blocking, trying to dodge the rapid hits Garrus was doling out. He managed a few swings here and there, being rewarded with a primal growl from within the turian's chest, but was finally stopped by another jab to the face.
Shepard stumbled back. The man spit out a mouthful of blood, drew in a breath, and held up his hand. He was exhausted. "You're fast."
"And you fight like a krogan." Garrus chuckled, prodding his mandible and wincing. "Spirits, that's going to hurt in the morning. Trying to ruin my good looks, Shepard?"
"Can't look much worse than it already does, buddy." Shepard grinned, the exhaustion washing away some of the stress of the day. Somehow being beaten down helped keep everything else at bay. The tangy iron taste of his blood filled his mouth again, and he spat once more.
"What the hell?" A groggy voice murmured, coming up behind Garrus. She stared at Shepard, taking in a no doubt ruffled appearance. She rounded on the turian. "What did you do!?" She hissed, coming between him and the commander. Garrus rolled his eyes.
"Oh, come on." He flanged. The soldier didn't back down, so Garrus waved to Shepard and headed off to his bunk. "I'm going to sleep. Good luck with this."
"Thanks for the help, Garrus." The turian offered another wave over his shoulder. Ashley turned to face him, brown eyes burning. Shepard sighed. "What?"
"Thanks for the help? He kicked your ass!"
"Well, I like to think I put up a bit of a fight." Shepard frowned.
"What? Why were you fighting?"
Shepard stared at her. "Ash, we were sparring. It was all friendly. I needed to relieve a little stress."
"Friendly? Shepard, you look like someone hit you with the Mako. Chakwas should look at you."
"I'm fine, Ash." The woman looked unconvinced. Shepard sighed, bring his hand up to rub his jaw but wincing at the contact. She crossed her arms.
"Shepard, you have to see Chakwas. You look like crap."
"Yeah, flattery gets you everywhere." Shepard growled, and stood up. "I'm not waking up Chakwas, it's late." And no way in hell am I going to talk to her about Toombs. "I'm sorry we woke you. I'll let you get back to sleep." He started to turn around, but the soldier grabbed his arm.
"You have to get that patched up. At least let me put some medigel on it, I have some at my station." Apparently, there was no 'letting' to it, as she dragged him towards her bench immediately. Stubborn woman. "Sit down." She pushed him down a little roughly into a chair, then bent to grab a packet of medigel and a first aid kit.
"Ash, really, I'm fine."
"Oh, shut up." Ashley grumbled, opening the packet. "Sir." She added, obviously a little grudgingly. Shepard frowned. She wasn't meeting his gaze, her brown eyes avoiding him. She dutifully started on his wounds, and he winced as she wiped a cut along his jaw with an antiseptic wipe. "That doesn't hurt that bad, you big baby."
"You're almost as bad as Chakwas." Shepard murmured, trying to lighten the woman. She simply rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything, moving on to another cut. "Ashley…" She didn't look at him, but pushed a little roughly at his bruised cheek. "Is something wrong?"
The soldier backed away a step, arms crossing again. He missed her proximity. "I don't know, Commander. You tell me."
Shit. "What do you mean?" He questioned warily. He didn't have any fight left in him.
"Was there something wrong with my actions on Ontarom?" Oh. Ashley glared at him.
"Ash…" Shepard's hand ran through his hair.
"No, I want to know. I want to know why I was dismissed while Garrus was allowed to stay." Her eyes were on his now, burning defiantly. She looked like she was wishing should could land a few punches on him too.
"I couldn't have anyone there questioning my decisions. Not on that."
"So I was just supposed to let you murder that doctor in cold blood, and not say a word about it?" She snapped furiously.
"If I had, no. You could have reported me, done whatever you had to do to ease your conscience. But I didn't. I got them both out. So what does it matter?" His voice was tired.
"It matters because you wanted to! You wanted to kill him. And I think you were going to, if it weren't for your new vendetta against Cerberus."
"Of course I wanted to!" Shepard snarled. Ashley glared back at him steadily. "They butchered my entire unit. They sent those maws after us as a fucking experiment, a little test to pass the time and sate their curiosity." His head pounded with his heartbeat, a constant, throbbing pain. "I listened to them for days, Ashley. Them screaming, dying, too far down the tunnels to reach, and too far gone to be able to do anything… Then they were just quiet…" He stopped himself, looked up at the soldier. The anger had left Ashley's eyes. Shepard sighed, and shook his head. "I'm sorry. You know what losing a team is like, Ash. It was hard letting go of a man I knew was responsible. Making Toombs watch him walk out of there…"
Ashley took a step towards him. She hovered over him, then placed a hand tenderly on his injured cheek. "You did the right thing, Shepard. I know it had to have been hard leaving him hanging like that. But he'll have a chance to get some help, and the Alliance we'll be able to get Cerberus." Shepard leaned into her touch. It was a little painful, but soothing. He closed his eyes. "I guess I get why you wanted to do it… That would be a hard thing to let go of, knowing someone did it on purpose. I guess I'm just a little sensitive to commands I think are unfair. I always had the worst duties, the crap postings…"
"Because of your family?" Shepard opened his eyes. She met his gaze and nodded. "You know I wouldn't do that. You're a great soldier, Ash. I would have told anyone to leave if they started questioning me then. I had to deal with it in my own way."
Ashley watched his eyes, her brown pair warming minutely as he spoke. "Yeah, I know. Just paranoid, I guess." Her fingers tickled the edge of his hair over his brow. He made a contented sound, eyes closing again. He was so exhausted, and it felt so good. He savored the feeling of her fingers playing in his hair, her body radiating warmth so close to him, her smell… A cold dab of something hit him and he opened his eyes, frowning. "You were going to fall asleep in the chair. Had to wake you up somehow." Ashley wielded a cotton swab and the medigel, and laughed at his petulant glare. "Now, hold still. You really do need to get your face fixed."