"Evening, Commander." Kaidan slid into a seat across from him in the mess. Shepard offered him a grunt and a nod, his eyes not leaving the datapad in front of him. He took a long draw from his coffee and let it sink in, hoping the caffeine would spark some new insight on the information he was reading. He was damn tired. The bags under his eyes were puffy and dark, complementing the fading bruises from his spar with Garrus. His sleep since leaving Toombs had been restless. Each night was split between fits of waking where he searched, obsessed, poured himself into Saren and into Cerberus, desperate for new information, and nightmares that were becoming two-toned blurs of screaming and deafening silence. He was always alone in them now.

Shepard sighed. He tossed down the datapad, making the lieutenant jump up from his rations in surprise. "Sorry." He muttered, and took another sip.

"No problem." Kaidan chuckled a bit, but the sound faded as he took in the commander's still surly expression. "Finding anything?"

"Nothing. Same as last night, and the day before. Wherever Saren is, he's doing a good job of hiding himself." Shepard grumbled. The rogue Spectre was out there somewhere, getting closer and closer to finding the Conduit and bringing about the destruction of all known civilization, and he was stuck here. Bitching about useless reports and bad dreams. "The Alliance was able to get a few leads out of the Cerberus doctor we found on Ontarom." His fists clenched. Of course, they had bargained with him to get them. He'll probably get little more than a slap on the wrist for killing my unit and torturing Toombs. I should have killed him. "Until they're able to confirm them and locate the base, however, we're just sitting and waiting." It was infuriating - being stuck here, unable to do anything. His hand ran through his hair and he sighed again.

Kaidan nodded quietly, seeming to ponder this. "No word from the Council?"

"None. Apparently we're on our own. The capture of a rogue Spectre doesn't seem to be a priority to them, despite the colonies he's hitting." But they're only human colonies. The Council couldn't bother itself with a strictly human matter – even if the geth and an advanced, apocalyptic machine race were involved.

"They've got a lot on their plates. I'm sure they'll pass on anything useful if they find it." Kaidan said with a shrug. His voice was kind and genuine, as it usually was. They'd shared a few cups of coffee over the past few days, sometimes with the others and sometimes not. The lieutenant was easy company – quiet and unassuming. Sometimes they talked a little, Kaidan sharing about his biotic training, his family back on Earth, occasionally the odd piece of information about the crew and the goings-on of the Normandy. The biotic may be easy company, but Shepard felt more often than not Kaidan was recording what he said in order to dispense it at the nearest water cooler. Shepard solved this by simply saying very little, which he found no different behavior than usual.

Shepard studied the lieutenant for a moment. He had an unshaking faith in authority, always believing that those in power would do what's right. He was good, and despite the treatment he had received at 'Brain Camp', as he called it, he seemed to believe that generally people were good too. It was an idealism the commander wasn't used to from any but the greenest marines, of the young ones like Jenkins who were eager to simply be there. It was a nostalgic feeling, and refreshing to be around.

"God, I would love some bacon right now." The biotic muttered, pushing around an unidentifiable substance.

Shepard groaned and set down his cup. "Shit, I almost forgot about bacon. Where can you even get it out here?"

"The Citadel, probably. In one of those touristy human markets. First thing I'm buying the next time we land there. That, and beer. Uh, with your permission, Commander."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "I highly doubt you're going to get wasted and ignore your duties, Alenko. Granted. As long as I get one."

Kaidan grinned. "Yes, sir." Chakwas walked out of the medbay and settled her glare on him. He had skipped their sharing hour the last couple of days. She had been relentless with him after she hunted him down, having heard about his spar with Garrus, and simultaneously scolded and coddled him. She pushed him to open up, to talk about Toombs and the doctor and Akuze. He hadn't been very forthcoming. Finding Toombs, finding out he left someone in that hell… He didn't know how to say anything about that. He ran a hand through his hair, avoiding her gaze.

"Good. Now, since we don't have it now and this report isn't going to change no matter how hard I look at it, I think we should crack open that bottle of whiskey." The commander suggested tentatively. "I'd say we should invite Joker down, but I don't like the idea of him flying drunk. He distracts himself enough as it is." Shepard had recently discovered the pilot's love of the extranet's more illustrious websites after he walked up behind him one day. He made sure to make his approach more obvious after that.

"He's impossible." Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head. "But that sounds like a fine plan, Commander." The lieutenant grinned. Shepard nodded with a smirk and stood, taking the short distance to his cabin in a few strides. It might feel good to unwind a little, refresh his mind so he could get back in it with a better outlook. He felt so desperate.

He ducked in to his stash, retrieving the bottle and then moving back out to the mess to grab a few glasses. He sat one in front of the lieutenant and poured him a glass, then himself, before sitting back down. Shepard raised his glass to Kaidan, who smiled appreciatively.

The biotic raised his in return. "To the Normandy."

Shepard smirked. A good toast, the toast he had used with Ashley back at Flux. The memory lightened his spirits in a way memories only recently began to. Despite all of the shit, the stress, the constant pressure… he had never felt like he had belonged anywhere so much as he did here, with this crew. "The Normandy." He repeated, clanking his glass with Kaidan's. The only home I know. They both took a sip and let out mmm's of appreciation. They sat a few moments in silence while they nursed the whiskey. Shepard relished in the burn.

"Looks like Garrus got you pretty good."

Shepard snorted. "That's an understatement. I'd hate to go up against him for real." He shook his head, smirking a little.

"Yeah, Ashley said you were pretty beat up." Shepard glanced at him curiously at the mention of the soldier. When are they holding these secret meetings about me? "She was pissed." Oh? Shepard frowned. "I get it though, needing to work out the stress. Sometimes you have to so you don't snap." Kaidan murmured. Shepard nodded, taking a drink. The lieutenant was evidently an insightful drinker. The other man closed his eyes for a moment, seeming to debate something. "I snapped like that, once. At Brain Camp." The biotic sighed. The commander couldn't suppress a curious look. "On an instructor. We had been practicing biotic exercises all day, it was brutal. There was this girl, Rahna. I… She was my friend. She was exhausted, could barely stand let alone continue. But Vyrnnus, this turian ex-military type, he was in the war and had it out for humans. She wanted a drink of water so he held it out for her. When she reached out, he broke her arm. Because she didn't take the water biotically." There was an old pain in the lieutenant's eyes. "So I snapped."

Shepard frowned. "I hope the bastard didn't get away with that."

"He didn't. I killed him." Kaidan murmured weakly, taking another drink. Shepard stared at him, shocked. "I went into a total biotic rage. Blacked the whole thing out. When I came to, everyone was running away from me. Vyrnnus was dead."

The commander looked down into his drink, swirling it once before taking a swig. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. That couldn't have been easy when you were so young..." Kaidan simply shrugged. "It sounds like he deserved it, though."

The lieutenant shook his head. "He was a jerk, no doubt. Maybe he deserved to die, but not by my hand. That's not justice, its murder." He took a drink. Both of their glasses were empty. "Rahna knew that. She wouldn't look at me after it happened, barely even said goodbye when I left."

"You were trying to defend her." Shepard frowned, his voice confused. Kaidan shrugged.

"I wasn't a defender to her. I was a murderer. Besides, she never felt the same way as I did about her." The lieutenant murmured. Shepard reached for the bottle and poured himself another glass, offered it to Kaidan with a look, and poured some in his as he nodded.

"That's rough." Shepard muttered lamely, setting down the bottle. "But Vyrnnus… You were young, and he pushed you too far. I'm sorry it turned out like that, with him and with Rahna."

"Yeah. It's in the past though, I've moved on." He took a sip, looking a little lighter. "Anyway, I don't think there's a risk of unrequited love on the Normandy." He grinned mischievously.

Shepard stopped himself from taking another drink. "What are you talking about?" Who the hell together on the Normandy?

Kaidan quirked a brow at him. "You know, Commander." He said, but Shepard's expression only became more suspicious. "You don't know. Huh."

"Don't know what?" Shepard questioned, again. He scolded himself for being interested in gossip. This is pointless.

"This ship is like a giant incestuous family. Everyone's getting together." Nice description there, Lieutenant. "The crew, the team…"

"The team?"

"Sure. You can't tell me you haven't seen the way Garrus looks at Tali." Shepard's brows shot up. "Seriously, Commander?" The biotic gave the commander a disappointed frown. "Then there's Ashley." He said simply, taking a drink and rolling his eyes. Shepard felt his jaw clench. The lieutenant smirked. "And Liara is finally done being in love with you, so I think I might have a chance."

Shepard stared at him for a moment, floundering for words. "Wait. What did you say about Ashley?"

"Yeah, what did you say about me, Scuttlebutt?" Kaidan flushed, taking a nervous drink. The soldier stood beside Shepard, rations in hand and eyes set in a steady glare at the lieutenant. "God, you're incorrigible! When are you going to stop butting into other people's business?" He shrugged a little, but the twinkle in his eye told Shepard he wasn't all together guilty. "And what are you two doing? Drinking on duty?" Her brown eyes met his, amused and daring as usual. "Shame on you, Commander."

"I've decided the Lieutenant and I have done enough today to deserve a drink or two." He smirked at her. "You are welcome to join us, Chief, if you don't think you'll have to report me for reneging my duties as your commanding officer." He stood up and pulled out a chair for her, gesturing widely as he did and grinning at her annoyed glare.

"Seriously, Shepard. I'm not a princess." She gave him the same exasperated look she always did, then slapped him on the arm before sitting.

"Wrex seems to think so." He chuckled as she glared at him, then strode to grab another glass for the soldier. He set it down in front of her, poured her some of the whiskey, and sat again.

"Wrex thinks everyone is a princess. Was calling Scuttlebutt one yesterday for some reason." She glanced at the biotic curiously, he chuckled.

"I was complaining about the water in the showers being too hot."

Shepard laughed. "He's a good guy."

"How can you know that? He talks about as much as you do. And he's a mercenary, for God's sake."

The commander frowned at Ashley. She was coming a long way, but she still was more wary of the alien squad members than the humans. "He is. He talked to me about the genophage, about how it's killing the krogan. I think he wants to do something to bring his people back to what they were." Shepard murmured thoughtfully. "Remember getting that armor back for him when we hit those pirates for the Alliance?" The krogan hadn't said much, but his eyes conveyed all the gratitude he needed to. "He's got a lot more going on in his head than he lets on."

Kaidan nodded. "He's definitely interesting. He's old, too, I think. He always mentions past battles like he was there. The things he's seen, it's really amazing to think about."

Ashley glanced between the two men. "Okay, okay. Wrex is just a big, toothy teddy bear. I get it." She set her eyes on Kaidan. "You need to stop talking to Liara so much, you're starting to sound like her."

"What? I am not."

"Oh, the Protheans, what they must have seen. It's so very, very interesting, don't you think, Commander?" She fluttered her eyes at Shepard, who laughed and shook his head.

"Well, even if I was, she's a nice girl, Ashley, and smart. Give her a chance." Kaidan implored her, frowning. Shepard glanced a little guiltily towards the medbay, hoping the asari wouldn't choose this moment to have dinner. Ashley just rolled her eyes.

"Girl is the operative word there, Scuttlebutt. Sure, she's nice and sweet and pretty, but she's not ready for this."

"Her biotics are." Kaidan shot back. Shepard couldn't help but agree. The asari, though not as controlled as Kaidan, was very powerful when she needed to be.

"When she's not fainting." Ashley laughed, taking another drink. Shepard grinned. Ain't that the damn truth.

Kaidan simply rolled his eyes and decided it wasn't worth replying. Obviously, this was an old argument between the two. Ashley smiled, seeming satisfied her tenacious attitude had won her another the final word. She really was relentless sometimes. Shepard took a drink, watching as the soldier released her hair from its bind and shook it out. Realizing he was staring, still wearing an odd grin, he looked away quickly to find the lieutenant watching him with a quirked brow. He cleared his throat and drank some more.

"Your face doesn't look so crappy anymore." Ashley observed, keeping her face impassive but her voice betraying her humor. "No more late night pillow fights with the turian?"

"Oh, gee, thanks." Shepard snorted, rubbing at his jaw. "Nawh, I've got to step it up before trying it with him again."

"Getting old, Commander?" Kaidan grinned. Shepard rolled his eyes.

"I'd like to see either of you go at him. He's damn fast."

The lieutenant laughed, shaking his head. "No, thanks. Never been big on hand-to-hand myself."

"I could take him." Ashley announced smugly, taking a drink. She glared at Shepard's doubtful look. "I could! My sisters and I are all trained in hand-to-hand, courtesy of Dad. I can kick some ass. Garrus might be fast and have crazy talon-fingers, but I'm a grappler, and I don't have as much surface area as this." She waved her hand in a flourish around Shepard and his admittedly much larger frame. He frowned. "He wouldn't touch me."

"Uh huh." Shepard said, still doubtful. "Did you just call me fat?"

Kaidan laughed, obviously enjoying the show. "I'm sure the Chief wouldn't do that, Commander."

"Maybe just soft around the edges." She grinned devilishly. "Don't worry, sir. I'm sure you still get all the ladies."

"I'll have you know, this is one hundred percent muscle." He felt the need to hold up his arm and flex. Ashley laughed, and pushed down his arm with a soft touch of her hand. He smiled.

"Alright, Shepard. I think that's enough of the gun show for today." She rolled her eyes but continued smiling. Kaidan was glancing back and forth between the two of them, looking oddly conspiratorial. The soldier took a drink, looking a little curious suddenly. "Where'd you get the whiskey? Confiscate some from Adams?" Ashley questioned, grinning. Kaidan's eyes went wide and he shot her an obvious 'shut up now' look.

The commander frowned. Engineer Adams?"What?" Ashley took a long sip and looked away, apparently pretending not to have heard him. A glance towards Kaidan found the biotic studying the bottom of his glass intently. He grimaced deeper. "Fine." He rolled his eyes. "It's mine. I had some stashed away in my cabin."

"You have a stash?" Ashley quirked a brow, seeming a little amused by the prospect. "What else do you have in there?" She glanced curiously around the commander and at his cabin door.

"This and that. Nothing as exciting as this." He muttered, raising his glass and taking a drink. She mimicked the gesture. Shepard put his glass down, and found the woman still watching him.

"No, I doubt there's anything as exciting as this." Ashley's voice lowered. Shepard felt the new tone raise goosebumps down his spine. He glanced at the soldier, long lashes hooding her brown eyes. There was that look again, that daring, goading look paired with a sultry grin that stopped his heart. Until Kaidan cleared his throat.

"I'm going to hit the rack. Thanks for the drink, Commander." The biotic stood, smiling his genuine smile at Shepard before giving Ashley a critical look.

"'Night, Scuttlebutt." She waved innocently. Kaidan sighed and shook his head, before walking off.

Once he was out of sight, Shepard closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "Ash…" He said simply, his voice low and only mildly annoyed. This woman. "You can't do that."

"Do what?" She said coyly, taking a sip.

Shepard sighed. "Are you always so stubborn?"

The woman laughed. As always, it warmed him. "I am. I had to be, dealing with three younger sisters. You learn quick how to successfully butt heads."

The commander chuckled. "I can see that. You talk to them lately?"

She smiled. "Yeah, they're good. Sarah's breaking hearts all over. Found herself a new boyfriend already." She laughed. The love and pride in her voice filled him with a familiar tinge of jealousy. To have family like that, people out there to care about and that cared in return, no matter what… He hated to admit how badly he missed that. The closest thing he had was Anderson, but no matter what, his old captain wasn't his father. "Mom vidcalled the other day. She's not sure what to do with all of us growing up and moving out. Said she might take a trip to the Citadel soon, whenever I get my next leave. It'll be great seeing her." The soldier's eyes were warm and longing. She missed them.

"They sound like a good bunch." He smiled. "If Sarah's a heartbreaker too, though, you Williams sisters have a seriously unfair advantage." Shepard smirked, pulling himself out of that spiral of brooding. A grin spread across Ashley's face. "Strong, stubborn, and beautiful? I can see why you say your Dad had his hands full."

"Why, Commander, I think you're flirting with me. I thought we couldn't do that?" Her brown eyes twinkled. He laughed.

"What can I say? I think you're wearing on me." He smirked, but it changed into a look of surprise when she slid her hand into his, idly stroking his fingers. He looked at their interlinked hands, brow furrowing. This woman… A quick look around them told him they were alone in the mess. He met her gaze. She's going to be the death of me. "You don't back down, do you?"

She put on that sultry grin again. "Not if I can help it." Her eyes bored into his.

"Commander Shepard?" Joker's voice sounded over the intercom. The commander pulled away from Ashley's hand. The woman frowned. "Hackett's on the QEC. Again."