Thanks everyone for following this story so far. I hope you're all still enjoying it! As always, any comments and critique you have are welcome and appreciated.
The poem mentioned in this chapter is 'I Have Lived with Shades' by Thomas Hardy.

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Something was prodding his stomach. The pain woke him more than the voices, and he winced a little as there was another push. Shepard opened his eyes and steeled them with an accusatory glare as he searched for his assailant.

"Welcome back, Commander. I'm just checking how you're healing." Shepard frowned at the doctor. Chakwas removed her hand and gave him an indulgent smile before turning away. "Everything looks good. I was able to remove the bullets that were preventing the medigel from healing you properly, but you lost a lot of blood. You'll have to take it easy while your body replenishes it." Shepard started to sit up, but let out a grunt as pain shot through his abdomen. "As I said, you'll have to take it easy." Chakwas chided, turning back to him.

"I need to file a report to Hackett, and check in with Tali. I'll take it easy later." He growled back. He tried again to sit up, but winced. God damn Cerberus and their sneaky fucking snipers. A hand pushed him down, resting on his bare chest. He followed it up to find Ashley standing to his right, brown eyes serious. It was then he realized her other hand was in his, squeezing gently in warning. Crap. A quick look over at Chakwas told him she found nothing odd about the soldier at his bedside, her expression still as professional as ever.

"You need to rest, Commander. Everything else will wait." Chakwas corrected him, picking up a few bloodied pieces of gauze. "Chief Williams here has kindly volunteered to make sure you stay in bed. Good night, Commander." The doctor dismissed herself smoothly and left the medbay, walking out the door towards the crew quarters. Shepard glanced at Ashley. Her eyes were wandering over his chest and abdomen, a finger absentmindedly tracing one of his scars.

"Knife in a bar fight." He answered her unspoken question with a smirk, causing her to look at him with a gaze so full of spite he wished he would have stayed quiet. Oh, shit. He regretted it even more when she pulled her hands away.

"What the hell were you thinking, Shepard?" She hissed. Woah. "You could have gotten yourself killed! Why would you just run out in the open like that without checking we were ready on your six?"

"Ash, we cleared the perimeter before we went in. We missed one. It happens." He said weakly. Her eyes blazed.

"Not with you. Your head wasn't in it, and you know it. You wouldn't have let someone slip by and set up an ambush otherwise." Shepard frowned at her observations. "And what you did to that Cerberus guy, Mortensen? Jesus, Shepard. Since when have you started to resort to beating up kids to get questions answered?"

Shepard glared back at her, fists clenching as he struggled to prop himself up. That's what this is about? "That kid was a Cerberus soldier. I'm damn sure he knew full well what kind of organization he worked for, and he had information that could save innocent people from getting hurt. He chose not to answer me." She glared right back at him, her mouth set in as hard a line as it had been back on Nepheron. "They're killing people, Ash. Torturing people. I'm not going to just fucking let them get away with it."

"So it's just whatever it takes? The ends justify the means?" The soldier spat back. "He didn't represent them all, Shepard. He was terrified, so terrified he killed himself and we didn't get the information anyways!"

"He would have used that pill the minute he got into Alliance hands! I had him talking. He would have kept talking if you wouldn't have stopped me!" Ashley pulled back as if slapped. Shepard didn't stop. "Damn it, Ash. You didn't want me helping Liara, you wanted me to kill the Rachni queen, but one Cerberus soldier hits your soft spot? I mean, fuck. What do you want from me?"

Her eyes had settled into a frosty stare. "I wanted you to be that man." She said simply. "The man that showed compassion for Liara, and for the Rachni, even though they might be a threat later." Shepard frowned. Ashley trapped his gaze. "You showed me how important it was to look past a person's appearance, past the actions of those like them and judge them as an individual. Mortensen didn't kill your unit, Shepard. He didn't torture Toombs." Shepard felt his throat constrict. Fuck. As always, she didn't hold back."He didn't want to die. He ran, rather than fight us." Ashley stood from her chair. "You scared that boy so much he didn't think he had anywhere to turn. Don't you dare try to blame that on me." The soldier started to turn away. As seemed to be becoming their custom, he grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"Ash, wait." She pulled away from him. He sighed, then grunted as he fought to get up, pain lancing through him. He stood and caught her again, stumbling a little and clutching pathetically at his stomach as he took a step. Damn. Mostly healed my ass. "Ash, please. I… I'm sorry." He knew it was a cop out, but he didn't know what else to say. He didn't want her to leave like this.

She spun around and her eyes widened when she found him standing. "Damn it, Shepard, stop being an idiot!" The soldier pushed him back on his bed a bit roughly and he grimaced with pain. "What is wrong with you? Do you enjoy getting hurt or something?" Her hand pushed again on his chest so he was lying down. He tried to sit back up, so she shoved more forcefully. "I mean seriously, look at you! You have more scars than any marine I've seen. Do you enjoy taking hits, or are you just stupid?" Very nice.

"Ash – "

"No. You are just that stupid." She accentuated her point by shoving him down again. "Why didn't you get in cover, Shepard? Did you really have to show off how tough you are in front of everyone by sniping that guy?" Ashley's eyes were still burning. "You were shot. You should have stayed down. Did it really have to be you that got him?"

"Yes." He caught her hand and held it against his chest. The soldier's brow furrowed. "Yes. Ash… All I wanted to do was wipe that place from the face of the universe, and all of Cerberus with it. You're right. I lost my head, and I'm sorry. It was just so… infuriating, finding out they were getting away. Again. And then Mortensen was there." Shepard sighed. "Like you said, he was just the perfect outlet. I know he didn't do it himself, it wasn't him that hurt Toombs, killed my unit..." His throat clenched and he paused a beat, breath refilling his lungs. "I was just so damn mad. And he wasn't answering my questions…it was like he was trying to get away with it. I couldn't take it anymore. I lost control." Her eyes had lost some of their heat, but he wasn't sure that the apprehension that filled them now was better. She was looking at him like he might shatter. He let go of her hand in favor of running it through his hair. "Then he killed himself, because of me, and we lost our best lead on finding the fuckers, because of me." Ashley's hand didn't leave his chest. "All I wanted to do was get out of there. I wasn't thinking, I was being reckless. Then that sniper got me. I was still so angry, and I had to do something. I had to not feel so helpless. I hate feeling helpless."

Ashley's hand trailed down his chest to the new twin scars on his stomach. The touch was soft, lingering. He inhaled a little sharply. "Shepard, you could have died. You bled so much…" She moved her hand so she was covering the wound with her hand. It definitely didn't hurt. "You can't keep doing this. You need to keep your head on, or you're going to get yourself killed."

"Yeah, I know."

"No, don't give me that. I'm serious." Ashley glared at him. She had a face on that reminded him eerily of one of his old drill instructors. "You're our Commander, Shepard. We need you in this one hundred percent. You're throwing yourself around like you're nothing, getting yourself hurt… I mean, God, Shepard." She sighed in exasperation. "You really don't get it, do you? This whole team – the only reason we work together is you. They respect you, they follow you. Then you go and act like that, disregard your command and pretend you're in it alone, and you throw that all away." Shepard blinked at her, a little dumbfounded. "Without you, we don't know what to do. You can't lose control, you can't put yourself needlessly at risk. We need you, Shepard, all of you, if we're going to do this."

The commander was silent. Her words sent chills through him and he looked away, unable to meet her gaze. He felt equally ashamed and inspired. What could he say back to that? He had been neglecting his duties, forgetting about the welfare of his team and their mission in favor of settling a personal vendetta. He had let them down. He was a the commander of one of the finest ships in the Alliance, the first human Spectre, and he had allowed himself to be so caught up in his own bullshit that he forgot to act like it. "Thank you." He murmured, glancing back to her. She quirked a brow. "For being here. For putting things in perspective."

"Yeah, well, maybe just don't be such an idiot next time, Skipper. I would've just kicked your ass if you didn't have a tummy ache." Ashley glared at him, but her lips twitched as she fought a smile. Her eyes looked back down to his body. "You know, I don't think you've heard of dodging. You'd think someone trained in infiltration would be able to sneak past a few bullets." Shepard snorted and shivered a little as her hand moved absently towards a scar wrapping around his side. She looked at it curiously, the raised edges and uneven lines probably foreign to her.

"Thresher maw." He murmured shortly, and her brown eyes lifted to his in understanding. Her fingers traced it to the point it disappeared behind his back.

"It goes all the way around?" Her tone was a lot gentler than he was used to from the soldier. He shifted a little, and nodded. "It looks like it was painful." She observed quietly. When he said nothing in reply, she seemed to sense his discomfort and brought her hand back up to his chest, tracing a faded line over his pecs. "This one?"

Shepard glanced down. "Not sure, actually. Think that was in N7 training." She nodded, continuing her quest with a thoughtful look on her face. "You know, Chief, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were enjoying touching me."

Ashley laughed , and the sound was beautiful. "It's a good thing you do know better then, Skipper." Her nail trailed a line down to a bullet scar, leaving an exquisite trail of goosebumps in its wake. His breath hissed in through his teeth. "I'm still mad at you, you know." She smirked up at him, her brown eyes heating with a different kind of intensity than earlier.

"Oh?" Shepard heard his voice go low. She was weaving a maze across his front, dragging her nail from place to place. It was maddening. "And you intend to torture me into future compliance?"

"Something like that." Her hand left and he frowned, meeting her laughing brown eyes with a petulant glare. He reached out and grabbed it again. Ashley smiled, but her expression became more serious. "Shepard, if we do this, I need to know you're not going to lose control like that."

Shepard was silent. His green eyes narrowed a little, testing the weight of her words. "Ash… I don't know if I can promise that." Ashley frowned. "I'll try. I'll do whatever I can. But this… It's not something I can just stop. Chakwas said I have problems coping or some bullshit." Ashley frowned deeper and rolled her eyes. "All I know is I'm angry, almost always. And that's better than…It doesn't matter." Shepard ran a hand through his hair. "'I have lived with shades so long, and talked with them so oft….'" Ashley's brows shot up in surprise.

"Is that Hardy?"

The commander nodded, allowing himself a small smirk. "You're not the only one who gets to have a sensitive side." He ignored the roll of her eyes. "Ash, I promise, I'll try. I'll figure out how to control this, but while I do... All I know is you're helping, making me feel more than just this damn hate. You make it easier, you pull me back. I…" Shepard frowned a little. Oversharing a little there, champ. "Just… I want you here, if you want to be."

Ashley smiled a little. "Very eloquent, Skipper. I think you should stick to the poetry." Shepard frowned and she laughed a little, her hand coming up to run over the scruff on his jaw. "I'm not going anywhere, Shepard. But I still need time."

Shepard nodded, then grinned. "If I remember correctly, Chakwas put you in charge of babysitting me tonight." Ashley rolled her eyes. "You better sit down then. Never know when I might start to get uppity and escape." The woman shook her head but smiled and sat, her hand staying in his while the other went back to memorizing the battlefield on his body.

"So, Hardy. Really, Shepard?"

"What? I like him."

"God, you're such a downer." Ashley laughed, and he joined her.

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The commander combed back his wet hair, finding the green eyes staring back at him a lot brighter than he remembered them being.

He shrugged on a clean shirt, the fabric clinging to his still-damp skin. The debrief with Hackett had left him in just the mood he had expected, so punishing the punching bag for it had felt good. Exercise was a healthy release, apparently, when his aggression was taken out on prescribed inanimate objects and not enemy soldiers or computer consoles. So Chakwas had given him the nod of approval after prodding again at the healed holes in his stomach. Things felt... different. He still wasn't willing to credit this to the doctor and the long discussion they had had on healthy stress relief and coping with failure. But after talking to Ashley and the doc, he was admittedly looking at his fuck up on Nepheron a little more optimistically.

Tali had analyzed the data, and they were setting off to another Cerberus base to investigate and shut them down. He knew it wasn't a win, but knowing they could potentially find more clues to where the terrorists were lurking made him feel better. The presence of husks on Nepheron oddly had bolstered him too, making him sure that Cerberus was keeping close tabs on Saren. Maybe the rogue Spectre wasn't connected with them, but they were interested in him, and that was enough reason for Shepard's suspicion to grow. He was willing to take any information he could on the magical vanishing turian and his synthetic death squad.

Shepard's stomach made a distractingly loud noise and pulled him from his thoughts, pushing him towards the door of his cabin and into the mess. He hadn't eaten since Ash brought him breakfast into the medbay, and that he had barely touched. She was so damn distracting. He was starting to see how much she enjoyed taunting him with what he couldn't have. The woman would laugh after every teasing touch, bite her lip innocently and pull away, goading him to try something. It was so frustrating, maddening, and absolutely enthralling. He yearned for her. For the feel of her tracing electric lines against his skin again. To be able to explore her like she had him.

But then Liara had emerged from her room in the back of the ship's clinic, the door swishing open as Ashley drew another line over the sensitive plane of his stomach. The asari had blushed such a strange, vibrant blue that Ashley stood up fast enough to knock over her chair. They had made excuses about checking his wounds and other bullshit, but Liara's wide eyes and stammering reply ensured the moment was ruined. Ashley excused herself professionally and left, looking a little put out, and Shepard shrugged on a shirt and muttered something lamely about mission reports and escaped to his cabin.

"Hey, Commander." Kaidan called happily, giving a little wave as the Spectre walked into the mess. "You're looking better. All healed up?"

"Yeah, no lasting damage. Except maybe to my reputation with the doc." He chuckled a little at his own joke. The biotic grinned. Shepard looked over to him, and found him seated near Liara, the asari avoiding his gaze and sporting a blush. Oh, great. "What are you two having?" He glanced at the non-descript food on their plates.

"I tried to cook with some of the food in that fridge. I'm pretty good, when I know what the ingredients I'm using are. I was trying for an omelette." The lieutenant shrugged, shoveling in another bite. "Could be worse." The asari next to him frowned, apparently disagreeing with that assessment.

Shepard grinned, pulling a meal bar from one of the cupboards. "I think I'll stick with these."

"Suit yourself." Kaidan said simply, then glanced over at a still-blushing Liara. He looked back to Shepard with a quirked brow and a smirk. "Liara said Ashley took good care of you last night, and this morning." The asari gaped at him as he said it.

The commander rolled his eyes. Nosy bastard. "Yeah. Chakwas asked her to check in on me while she was out. Apparently, I'm a bad patient and need a babysitter." He said coolly, not about to fall into that trap. Kaidan laughed.

"You know, Shepard, I've been thinking." Garrus commented as he rounded the corner and joined them. Kaidan and Liara glanced at the turian then back to their food, the lieutenant coaxing her to try it. Shepard's eyes flicked towards Garrus curiously.

"Oh, do enlighten me." The commander smirked.

"I don't know why you even went after that guy outside base. My kill count was still higher."

Shepard laughed. "Please, Garrus. You don't get points for missing. I'll give you credit for trying, but there's no way you hit those targets before I did."

"So that's how you want to play it?" The turian's mandibles flickered joyfully as he dug through the cabinets towards his dextro rations. Shepard glanced away as Tali strolled in with a bright wave towards her seated companions, stumbling awkwardly as she caught an odd-looking box Garrus tossed to her. "I think you're forgetting my superior turian eyesight. You cannot possibly be a better shot than me."

"100 credits say otherwise. Next time we're on the Citadel, we'll find out."

"You're on." The two grinned at each other for a moment, sharing in the bravado, before looking towards the sound of someone daintily clearing their throat.

"I think you are both forgetting how dead you would be if I hadn't opened those doors for you." The quarian's voice teased, her eyes glowing behind her mask. Shepard gaped at her. She was normally so timid, hearing her taunt them like that was surprising. Garrus had a very large and very turian grin on his face.

"You pyjaks would have been nursing your wounds if I hadn't taken all of the fire." Wrex announced in his usual growling voice, heaving something out of the fridge and onto the table, not bothering trying to sit on the small benches. Damn, is it social hour? The krogan nodded at the commander. "Shepard."

"Wrex."

Wrex looked back to the rest of them, and gestured blandly towards Shepard. "The prettiest princess here gave us all a great example of the benefits of a redundant nervous system, though. Way to hit him right back in the quad, Shepard."

"Prettiest princess?" Kaidan snorted. Liara managed to crack a tiny smile.

"Wrex, humans don't have redundant nervous systems." Shepard chuckled. The krogan leaned against a pillar and took a bite out of what looked like a large hunk of meat.

"Oh. Well, that must have hurt." Wrex murmured through his mouthful, sounding rather disinterested.

"What is that?" Shepard gestured towards the hunk of meat with his power bar.

"Roast varren." The krogan grinned a toothy, meat-filled grin.

The commander's brow furrowed. "When did you get roast varren?"

"Feros."

"Wrex. That was supposed to be for the colonists."

"I asked them." I'm sure that was an exchange of equals. "I only took one."

"One?"

"One varren."

Shepard blinked. "You brought a whole varren back onto this ship?"

"Yup."

"Where's the rest of it?"

"I ate it. This is all that's left." Wrex's voice was a little woeful. "We'll have to stop and get more if this goes on much longer."

The commander sighed. "I'll try and make that a priority." He slid into a seat next to Kaidan, Garrus and Tali across from him.

"So, we are going to another Cerberus facility?" Tali asked as she removed a straw-like device from the mouthpiece on her suit.

"Yes. Should be there tomorrow, if all goes well. Hopefully we can find some information to add to what you already dug up on them and figure out a way to take them all down. You did good work, Tali." He smiled, and from the way her eyes squinted a little behind her mask, Shepard was pretty sure the quarian was beaming.

"Any idea what they're trying to accomplish?" Garrus prompted, and Shepard shook his head.

"No. But with their interests in the rachni, the thorian creepers, and husks, I think there has to be some connection to Saren. There's too many parallels for it to be coincidence." The Spectre murmured, and Garrus nodded, eyes thoughtful.

"Any news on Saren?" Kaidan asked, his face serious again.

Shepard sighed. "No. There's no new information, and the Council is still staying quiet. So for now, we focus on Cerberus. They're our best lead, and we need to stop them before these experiments of theirs hurt anyone else." His determination to take out their terrorist cells hadn't waned with Ashley's disapproval. He would try to keep control – to keep a cool head, to focus on the mission and keep his feelings detached, but there was no way he was going to just forget what they did. They had to pay. It was an insistent buzzing in his head. His focus had slowly shifted away from Saren. He knew it, and it shamed him, but he was being truthful about Cerberus being their best lead. They had nothing else.

"Commander, Council's on the line for you. They say it's urgent, yada yada." Joker's bored voice interrupted them.

Shepard stared at the intercom for a moment. Are you kidding? Now they have something? He glowered at the ceiling. They had Cerberus by the tail, and now was the time the Council decided to chime in. Fuck.

"Speak of the devil." Kaidan chuckled as the commander stood and turned around into Ashley as the woman walked into the mess. She looked up at him and smirked, but there was a questioning look in her eyes that he didn't know how to answer. He didn't know what he was going to do either. Shepard stepped around her with a small smile and strode quickly towards the stairs.

"Speak of the devil?" He heard Garrus question as he walked away, his usual curiosity about human mannerisms shining.

"And he shall appear." Kaidan supplied.

Shepard felt something sink in his gut.