"I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."
"Shepard, you have to go back and get him!"
He clenched his jaw, his teeth grinding.
"Kaidan!? Oh, God, no. Kaidan!"
Her scream ripped through him again, and again. There was always screaming. He fought to keep his breathing steady. Fought to regain consciousness.
"Owen- Owen, oh god it hurts…" Cassidy's voice begged him, pleaded for help, but then it was his own. "Dad! Shit, Dad, what do I do?!" And he felt the panic, the helplessness, and the screams just kept coming. The colonists, begging and bleeding as they were beaten down, then Akuze, and they all were in his ear again. Agony and terror filled their voices, filling him with fear and then silencing and leaving him with nothing but emptiness. Nothing but death.
"Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable."
Pain wracked his body, twisted and wrung him dry. He convulsed trying to escape it, but something held him down. He panicked and struggled against it. Everything was a mess in his mind, a mix of screams and silence and the pulse of the beacon. Blood and bile filled his mouth, and only the scent of death was in his nostrils. The scent of filth. They held him down, but he wasn't an animal. He fought whatever restrained him, embracing the rage, but something sharp hit him. He was left with the screams. He couldn't fight.
"Shepard, no!" She screamed again as he felt the ball of energy tear through him, as he saw Saren fly away.
He had failed. Again.
"You left us. You said you'd get us out. You told me we would make it out. You can shove your apologies and your promises up your ass. We trusted you, and you left. You left your team behind." Toombs' eyes bore into him, damning him.
And he deserved it. He left them. He left his family. He left Kaidan. His life was forged at the cost of others. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't kill any more people.
Sovereign's image loomed in his mind as he was engulfed again by darkness.
"Your words are as empty as your future."
xxxxxxxx
The soldier just watched. Watched as Chakwas and a few crew members strapped him down, as the doctor sedated him once more. She couldn't think of words to speak, of any way to offer help. Her wounds would be healed soon. The gunshots had gone through clean and she probably wouldn't even have scar. It wasn't right. For a moment, she envied Shepard his pain. Maybe it was helping him forget. But from the sound that was coming from his chest, she doubted it.
Jesus, Kaidan… What the hell were you thinking?
She wanted to cry. She wanted nothing more than to break down. But she couldn't. Not now. She felt…numb. So she just watched, silent, as Chakwas worked him over, flooded him with meds. He was going to be okay. Shepard was always okay. But Kaidan was dead. And she was exhausted. Chakwas kept working, but she wasn't able to watch as she drifted to sleep.
Something low and agonizing woke her, some sound that broke her heart. Ashley opened her eyes groggily, her brow wrinkling in confusion. Where was she? The medbay?
There was another groan. Shepard murmured something, his deep voice sounding anguished and incoherent. And it all hit her again – Virmire, the salarian squad, Saren. And Kaidan.
Oh, God, Kaidan…
Ashley let free a single sob, but clamped her throat shut before she could again. She couldn't break now. She needed to keep going, to keep fighting. To stay strong. This mission was too important. Saren had confirmed it, as he assaulted Shepard over and over with his damn biotics. And Shepard just kept getting up.
"No!" The soldier jumped as Shepard shouted, and she stared at him. In the dim light she couldn't completely make out his features. She stood and walked across the room towards him. His eyes were still closed. He was sleeping, but his wrists were still tied down by restraints. Ashley wondered why they had kept them on him while he slept. "Can't…"
He was sweating, the veins in his neck pulsing wildly, his muscles bound into thick cords. Ashley frowned as she watched him. He's having a nightmare. She wanted to reach out, to comfort him, but something held her back. Why does he get to break? The spiteful thought sickened her, and she shook her head instantly trying to clear it. This was Shepard. But there was something bitter in her as she looked at the man. He left Kaidan. He left him behind, even when I told him not to. The soldier stepped back, anger flaring in her as she watched him. Shepard thrashed against his bonds. I told him to make sure that bomb went off. I told him to save Kaidan. He had no reason to save her. Kaidan outranked her, Kaidan had the bomb. Kaidan was a great man who deserved a long, long life. Kaidan shouldn't have been the one.
Shepard made some low, mournful nice that send a ripple of pain through her. It was so terribly agonizing her eyes were wet again, her feet disobeyed her and stepped forward. She reached out to grab his hand as the thrashed again.
It wasn't him. He might be breaking, but it wasn't something to envy, and it didn't mean he had stopped fighting. His hand clasped hers painfully, as if it were a lifesaver. He didn't leave Kaidan, he saved her. He chose her. The bomb was going to go off anyways. So he chose to save her. Ashley felt as if something was crushing her. She felt no anger. Only guilt. If she hadn't have gotten pinned down like that, if they had made it to the rendezvous point like they were supposed to, if she would have just held the line, instead of allowing herself to be pushed back, instead of allowing herself to live up to her Grandfather's damned legacy.
If she were better, Kaidan would be alive.
The only reason she was here was Shepard. Because of whatever she and Shepard were. It made her feel sick. But the guilt was only worsened when she realized some part of her still wanted it, so much and so absolutely it hurt. And Kaidan knew that. He had accepted it, even though it had killed him. I always said he was too nice for his own good… A sob escaped her, and she covered her mouth with her free hand to stop it.
The commander bucked off the bed, once again unconsciously fighting his binds. "no…" Ashley's heart dropped as he choked the word out again, and she grasped his hand tighter. He was a mess. A broken, hurt, cold, angry, sensitive, funny, handsome mess. The man had been through so much, survived so much, it was a wonder he was still alive. That he still fought. That he hadn't given up. She reached down, a hand cupping his now clenched jaw. He groaned and struggled again. The soldier glared at the bonds and removed her hands from Shepard, leaning down to try and untie him. Why the hell do they have him tied up like this? She wasn't just going to watch him struggle anymore. She had to help.
"Chief Williams, don't." Chakwas voice called quietly out to her, and the soldier spun around in surprise. She flushed, unsure how long the doctor had been watching her. Chakwas stepped forward. "He needs sleep."
Ashley blinked for a moment, then glared at the woman. "And these are helping him how?" She hissed back, her voice a low whisper.
"He must stay as still as possible. I'm keeping him as sedated as I can, as frequently as I am able, but unfortunately the Commander has frequent nightmares. Those coupled with the stress of the mission, his history, and his injuries, he is highly at risk for a severe post-traumatic episode. He will likely be unreasonable, irrational. Until he is fully aware, I need to make sure he is restrained to minimize the risk that he furthers his own injuries, or injures others."
"He's not still now, though." Ashley wasn't intimidated in the least by the doctor's steel gaze. "Look at him! I'm not going to let him just lie there in pain."
"Then continue to hold his hand, Chief. Comfort him. The Commander needs to rest." It was an order. The doctor met her gaze steadily, her voice quiet and even. "His injuries were catastrophic. He had severe internal bleeding and nearly all of his organs were damaged and shutting down. It's truly a testament to his will to live that he walked back on this ship. Or his stubbornness." She shook her head. A small, sad smile played at her lips as she glanced towards Shepard. He was shaking now, and she sighed. "He will recover. We were able to replace most of his blood and flood his veins with enough medigel to raise a corpse, but his injuries are not purely physical." Chakwas looked back to Ashley, her eyes studying the soldier, critical. "Shepard will need stability now more than ever. I discuss this with you because you have acted as an anchor of sorts to him in these past weeks. He has been improving. But today, you suffered too."
Ashley glared at her, her arms crossing against her chest. "What are you trying to say?"
"Losing Kaidan was a great blow to this ship. He was a wonderful, kind man." Chakwas looked away for a moment. "What I'm saying is you are grieving. You need to consider what's best for you. The Commander will be struggling, likely striking out against those closest. His propensity for vengeance and commitment to his duty, his purpose, won't allow him to forget about the mission, but he will likely pull away from everything else. What I'm saying is you need to decide if you will be able to remain a constant through it. He cannot risk further imbalances. Shepard needs support, but it will not help him or you if you find you can no longer handle it."
The soldier stiffened, her brows knit together as she gaped at the doctor. Can no longer handle it? She has no idea… "Thank you for your concern, Doc, but I'll be fine. I'm not just going to leave him here and let him go through this alone." She spat, a little more loudly than she meant to. The doctor stared back at her for a moment, assessing her, then gave a single nod.
"Good." Chakwas said simply, turning, then stopping herself. "And Chief, I am here to talk, if you need to. You have been through a great deal recently as well." Ashley simply glared, a hand coming to her hip as the doctor turned at walked out of the medbay. The soldier sighed, and turned.
Green eyes glowed oddly bright in the dim room, wide and darting this way and that. They found her as she went to his side. Shepard's breathing was still rapid. His gaze was unsteady, not registering her right away. "Shepard, hey…" Her voice was soft, easy. She saw him let go of a breath, saw the rise and fall of his chest begin to slow. His brow creased and his eyes narrowed, trying to see her. "Hey, I'm here. It's okay." The hand closest to her lifted, but was pulled back down. The action confused him and he stilled. A visible shiver ran across his body.
"Let me out." He wasn't looking at her now, he had lifted his head to look at his cuffed hands. "Let me out." Shepard's voice was menacing, low and angry. He tugged at them again.
"Shepard, hey, look at me." Shepard's green eyes lifted, bloodshot and wide. "Doc says we have to keep you strapped up for now, so you don't move too much." The look he gave her was filled with enough hatred to make her blood turn to ice. "You were hurt, remember? You need to rest. Don't worry about the restraints, we'll get them off in the morning."
"No." He snarled. "I'm not a fucking animal." Ashley stared at him, dumbfounded. "Let me out. I need to go, I need to get him, I need to save them. Fuck. I'm so sick of those goddamn sirens!" He tried sitting up and pulling at the restraints, but it was futile. Sirens? What sirens? The muscles in his arms bulged from the strain. "I need to… Oh, fuck…" His eyes screwed shut as he choked out the last word.
"Shepard, please, look at me." His eyes remained shut as he shook his head. "Please. It's Ash, Shepard. You're okay. We're okay." He looked at her, but it was a gaze full of sorrow.
"No. It's not okay. He's dead. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him like all the others. He got close, and now he's dead. Like my family, like Cass, like my unit. I killed Kaidan. I killed him." It was rapid, deluded.
"No, you didn't. It wasn't your fault."
"It was. I chose. He died because I chose it. I should have pushed faster, should have gotten to you faster. I could have saved you both. I killed him, and I almost killed you. I-"
"Shut up!" Ashley spat, and he glared at her. "You didn't kill him. You didn't. Yeah, we're both partly to blame for Kaidan being the one to die. But Saren killed him. Virmire killed him. That bomb killed him. Stop being an idiot and trying to blame yourself for this too." Her voice lost its heat towards the end. He stared at her, his eyes searching again.
"Ash…" He frowned, finally acknowledging her, green eyes meeting hers. "I'm… It's too much."
"I know." She murmured, one hand grasping his and the other coming to thread itself in his hair. His eyes closed gratefully. "I know." She sat back into a seat near the bed, leaning forward to rest her elbows beside him.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry…"
Her eyes burned, unbidden tears trying to come again. She blinked them away.
"Yeah…" Ashley muttered, her voice a whisper as she stroked his hair again. Funny, how this was what she wanted to do when she thought she was going to die. She didn't have the strength to wonder what that meant. To consider why Kaidan's last words to Shepard had been about her. The thought of her friend pushed a stream of fresh tears from her and she struggled to hide them by burying her face in his arm. "Me too."