I have um-ed and ah-ed about posting this chapter all week. In all honesty, I very nearly didn't. And that's largely because I think it sucks BALLS...! To say this chapter is way out of my comfort zone is something of an understatement. I am not a shrink. I am not a psychologist, nor a psychiatrist, nor a doctor of any kind. The closest I got was a psychology a-level, in which I think I scraped a C, and the ONLY thing I can remember from it is Pavlov's Dogs. Also, despite the fact a shrink would probably have a field day with me; I have never been to see one. So plenty of reason as to why I probably shouldn't post.

However, a big thanks to AsandCastle103 who did convince me I should go for it, so here it is!

But Who's Going To Save You

Chapter 19: It's Good To Talk (Heidi)

Normally Heidi didn't mind the rain. Her favourite thing to do when it was falling in big fat droplets was to sit in a car, listening to it hammer on the metal roof whilst watching it run down the windscreen in a constant waterfall. Normally, she didn't even mind the drizzle. But today, as her mum would say, it was the kind of drizzle which soaked you through.

And soaked through she was.

She was originally going trying on bridesmaid dresses with Lara and Felicity, but at the last minute Michelle had rung to let her know the psychiatrist had a lunchtime opening – did she want it? Well, no, she didn't. But... she had made a promise to Jordan.

She had sent Felicity a very apologetic text message and rearranged a time to find her a dress. Then she'd called Jordan and let him know the change in plans. As he was at work, he got called away by Vince to do something. So she was left with nothing to do for a couple of hours.

She'd made herself some breakfast. Watched some television. Washed up the breakfast dishes. Channel surfed some more. Checked her facebook. Got some washing going...

In the end, she had grabbed a jacket and headed out, figuring that walking to the practice would kill plenty of time. It hadn't been raining when she had walked out the door, and with her mind occupied, it hadn't even occurred to her to take an umbrella with her, much less choose a jacket with a hood. It wasn't until she was over half way there that the heavens opened and the rain came down in a torrential downpour.

Heidi pulled her collar up, stuck her hands in her pocket – partly so that they would get slightly warmer, and partly so her mp3 player had a little more protection than the thin fabric was offering. With her head bowed against the rain, she picked up the pace.

The buildings on the street the practice resided were all the same looking multi-storey structures and half of them weren't numbered, nor did they have a helpful sign outside. In the end, she had to resort to stepping into three foyers before she spotted the name on a list next to the elevators.

By this time, there wasn't an inch of her that wasn't drenched. Her hair was plastered to the side of her head, and much to her horror, when Heidi examined her reflection in the brass work as she waited for the elevator to get to the right floor, her mascara was streaking.

Checking her watch, Heidi realised she was a good twenty minutes early. Abandoning the lift, she ducked into the toilets she'd just spotted in an attempt to make herself look less like a drowned rat than she did. Unfortunately, the best she could manage was to wipe the panda eyes away, scrape her hair back into a ponytail, and dry her jacket off slightly under the dryer.

With a sigh, Heidi rested her weight against the side and leant in towards the mirror. "Stop procrastinating," she muttered to her reflection. "The sooner you get this over and done with, the sooner you can get out of that damn station and do some real work."

Behind her a toilet flushed and from out of the cubicle emerged a ridiculously tall woman with short spikey hair and a nose stud. She gave Heidi a bright smile. "You know what they say about talking to yourself?"

Heidi slowly shook her head.

"First sign of madness," the woman added. "But then again, if you're on this floor," she shrugged, washing her hands.

Heidi gave her an awkward smile and then hurriedly vacated the ladies, heading straight for the empty reception desk. And then nose stud girl sat down behind the desk and gave her the same bright smile. "You must be here to see Charlie."

"Heidi Wilson," she offered.

"Second door on your left. Just go in."

It was tempting not to, especially with the delightful insight the receptionist had shared with her, but Heidi went in. It was a nice office, with what was effectively a wall of window, providing a nice view of the harbour area. The walls were a pleasant yellow and the furniture was all thick, dark, chunky wood, covered in an array of plants and pictures. At the back of the room was a large desk, but as it only had one chair behind it, Heidi figured she was supposed to sit on one of the large, comfortable looking chocolate leather sofas. However, as she was still far too wet to be sitting on leather, she headed over to the window. It had stopped raining.

"Heidi, it's a pleasure. I'm Charlie, by the way," a voice informed her. "And you know you can sit down?"

Heidi turned. The owner of the voice was an average looking middle-aged guy with greying hair and friendly blue eyes. "I would, but I'm drenched."

Charlie gave her a pitying look. "How about we take that jacket of yours?" He cocked his head. "And you can take your shoes off and get those and your socks drying too?" he offered.

It felt weird taking her socks and shoes off, but Heidi did it – her toes were already starting to feel cold and uncomfortable. Charlie took them off her and draped the items over the radiator in the corner. "I'll just switch this one on, but if it gets too warm let me know," he told her, before offering her a blanket.

Heidi wrapped the offered item around herself and sat on the couch while Charlie took the other. He sat down and settled one ankle on his knee, before resting a notepad against his thigh. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say," Heidi admitted after waiting for him to speak.

"Why don't you tell me why you're here?" he suggested.

"I thought you knew why I was here," Heidi shot back at him, defensively.

"Heidi, relax," he told her, giving her a reassuring smile. "I'm not trying to catch you out and I'm not trying to ensure that you never get back in the field."

"Then what are you trying to do?" she asked suspiciously.

"I want to make sure that you're doing alright," he assured her. "You have a highly stressful job, and to be completely honest, I personally think all of you should have regular, mandatory appointments."

Heidi wrapped the blanket closer around her, chewing on her lip as she considered the man in front of her.

"If it helps, everything you say will remain completely confidential," Charlie added.

"Don't you have to report back to Michelle?" Heidi asked.

Charlie nodded. "I do, but she doesn't need to know the details."

Heidi took a deep breath and sank back into the couch. "I'm here because I saved a colleague's life." When Charlie didn't press for more details, but rather watched her expectantly, she sighed, pulling her hands out from under the blanket so she could fiddle with her fingernails. "I'm here because I saved a colleague's life by going against protocol. Only, he's not just a colleague – he's my boyfriend."

"I take it no one else knows that he's your boyfriend?" Charlie asked, his pen scratching across the notebook as he took notes.

"Michelle and Vince don't know," Heidi agreed. "I'm fairly certain everyone else knows."

"You consider it a problem if Michelle and Vince know?"

"Well, yeah," Heidi nodded. "I mean, I like the team as it is. I don't want moving onto a different shift, or worse, to a different station."

Charlie pulled a thin manila folder out from under the notepad and leafed through it. "I have here that the both of you were involved in a helicopter crash a few months ago. Your co-pilot and patient died."

"That wasn't my fault," Heidi quickly told him. "I was cleared of that – that was Lifeblood not maintaining the choppers properly."

Charlie held his hands up. "I'm not accusing you of anything," he assured her. "I just want to hear your version of events."

"Well what's to say?" Heidi shrugged. "The electrics failed, I did an emergency landing in the ocean, the co-pilot died on impact and the patient died in the sea. Jordan and I spent a night in the water, and then we were saved."

Charlie's pen flew across the page. "And how did that make you feel?"

"What kind of question is that?" Heidi demanded. "How do you think it made me feel? Like crap. Two guys died because of me – it was pure luck that me and Jordan lived through it."

"Pure luck?"

"The chances of surviving a helicopter crash are slim at best," Heidi explained. "I had no hovering capabilities and I was never going to make it to a landing strip."

Charlie paused in his writing to look over at her. "You say that the reason the helicopter came down was due to a mechanical fault, and you also say that you were lucky to have survived the crash – half of you didn't. So how is it your fault?"

"Because I was flying the helicopter," Heidi pointed out.

Charlie considered her carefully, placing his hands in his laps. "Do you not think, under the circumstances, that the fact you and," he glanced down at his notes. "Jordan survived is a credit to yourself and your flying skills?"

"No," Heidi snorted. "Because if it was due to my flying skills, all four of us would still be alive."

He carefully scribbled down a few more sentences before leafing through the file a second time. "Tell me about the prison bus crash."

Heidi pulled a face. "What do you need to know about that for? I didn't even get there until much later – most of the wounded had already been treated."

"I understand it was your first rescue after the crash," Charlie said.

Heidi shrugged. "So? Like I said, most of the patients had already been treated."

"And what about the prisoner that escaped. Sheree O'Brien?" he asked, referring again to the notes.

"Clearly it's all down there in front of you, so why are you bothering to ask me about it?" Heidi scowled, growing more annoyed with the psychiatrist.

"All I have here are the facts," Charlie told her. "What I want to know is your thoughts, and your feelings of the event."

"It was a rescue. I was concerned about making sure the patients were alright," Heidi shrugged.

Charlie sighed and settled back into the chair. "Heidi, I'm not the bad guy," he told her. "I want to help, but I can't do that unless you let me."

"Why do you think I need help?" Heidi demanded. "Why does everyone think I need help? I'm fine. I just want to get back to doing my job."

"Okay," Charlie said, shrugging in a nonchalant manner. "Why did you go against protocol to save your boyfriend's life?"

"Because he was going to die," Heidi snapped at him.

"But was he?" Charlie prodded.

"He had stopped breathing!" Heidi cried in exasperation. "His heart had stopped beating. If I hadn't have done CPR, he would be dead."

"And was that why you disobeyed orders and went chasing after Jordan and the escaped prisoner?" Charlie asked him.

"She was dangerous!" Heidi objected. "She could have done anything to him."

"But she didn't," Charlie pointed out.

"But she could have," Heidi retorted.

"Jordan could also get hit by a bus on his way home from work," Charlie suggested. "Does that mean you're going to jump out in front of every bus before he does – just in case?"

"No!" Heidi responded, pulling a face. "That's ridiculous!"

Charlie merely stared at her.

"I let him go down there alone," Heidi finally admitted.

"Excuse me?" Charlie asked her, looking confused.

"That's why I chased after him and Sheree. He saw something and I let him go and investigate by himself and then he was taken hostage by Sheree," Heidi explained. "I needed to make sure he was alright."

"You feel responsible for the hostage situation? That it was your fault?" Charlie asked, seeking clarification.

"No," Heidi shook her head. "Maybe. Yes. I knew there was an escaped convict – armed and dangerous – and when the police officer disappeared-"

"You had a police escort?"

"Of course we did. Did you not write down 'escaped convict' in your notes?" Heidi asked impatiently. "Only he buggered off and I let Jordan go it alone. I should have gone down with him."

"So you could both be held hostage?" Charlie asked.

"Yes," Heidi let out a frustrated grunt. "No. Neither of us should have been held hostage."

Charlie quietly set the notebook and file down onto the couch next to him and uncrossed his legs. Very slowly he leant forward towards Heidi. "Why did you go against protocol to save your boyfriend's life? From what I've read, you had a whole team backing you up, and there were ambulances minutes away."

"I can't lose another life," Heidi snapped. "Alright? I can't lose him. It was a situation I could have control over and even though I knew I was breaking protocol, I was doing it."

Charlie nodded, a small smile creeping over his lips. "Heidi, let me ask you this. Have you read the official report on the helicopter crash?"

Heidi shrugged. "I saw it. It was a mechanical failure – like I said."

Charlie shook his head. "No, have you read it? From cover to cover? If my understanding is correct, you were also given the chance to go through it, step by step with an aviation official. Did you do that?"

"No," Heidi scoffed. "Why would I do that? It was mechanical failure. I know that."

"Perhaps so you would know that," Charlie suggested.

Heidi pulled a face. "You are making no sense at all."

"I think I am," Charlie returned.

The frown turned into a scowl as Heidi considered what the psychiatrist was suggesting. "Are you saying that I don't know the crash was due to a mechanical failure?"

"You tell me," he smiled at her.

Heidi pulled another face then wrapped the blanket tightly around her. Wordlessly she rose to her feet and made her way back over to the window, glancing down at the cars several stories below them. "You're saying that even though I know it's a mechanical failure, I'm still blaming myself for the crash." She didn't look back to him, keeping her gaze on the traffic. "And somehow that's connected to me saving Jordan's life?" she finally glanced back at him, shaking her head. "That's not right."

"Then what is it?" Charlie asked. Heidi chewed on her lip, turning her attention back out the window. He waited for a few minutes before speaking again. "Heidi?"

"Maybe there's some truth to that," she admitted quietly. "I guess I am blaming myself for it."

"Why?"

"Because I think there was something could have – should have done."

Charlie returned his ankle to his knee and picked up the notepad again. "But if you had gone through the report with the aviation official, he would be able to tell you this: that there was nothing you could have done."

"You don't know that," Heidi told him.

"Neither do you," Charlie pointed out.

Heidi sighed. "True."

"So, why haven't you gone through it? And more importantly, why did you go against protocol?"

Heidi glared over at him. "You keep asking me that. Like the two are related."

Charlie kept his expression passive. "Aren't they?"

"No," Heidi replied, although she was beginning to doubt herself. When Charlie just met her gaze and held it, she frowned. "I guess they are," she realised.

From the other side of the room, Charlie relaxed back into the leather sofa and nodded. "So why haven't you gone through the aviation report, and why did you go against protocol?"

Heidi leant her shoulder against the glass, feeling the cold from outside seep through the blanket and to her skin. "Because I don't want to go back into a helicopter."

Charlie smiled. "And that is why you are here today," he told her. He gestured to the sofa opposite and waited until Heidi had sat back down. "By going against protocol, you know that your superiors will result in reprimanding you – in grounding you, so to speak. Which means you don't have to face going back in the helicopter. Am I right?"

Heidi nodded, finally feeling a weight be lifted from her. "I'm scared to go back up," she admitted. "I shouldn't have survived that crash. Next time..." she trialled off, shrugging. "I've used up all my luck."

"Thomas Jefferson once said, 'I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I find'," Charlie told her.

"You're saying you make your own luck?" Heidi asked him.

"'Luck is believing you're lucky'," he added.

"Was that Jefferson as well?" Heidi asked, frowning.

Charlie shook his head. "Tennessee Williams.

"I see what you're getting at," Heidi told him. "But that doesn't mean I'm not scared of flying again."

"I know," Charlie agreed. "Which begs the important question: do you want to fly again?"

Heidi nodded. "Yeah, I do. I spent a fortune on learning to fly. And I love the feeling I get when I'm high above the ground, up in the clouds."

"And that's something I want to work on with you, if you'll let me?" he asked her.

Heidi slowly nodded. "I think I'd like that."

Charlie stood and Heidi's eyes flew to the clock, surprise washing over as she realised how long they had been in there. She followed suite and got to her feet, accepting her now dry socks, shoes and jacket, quickly slipping them all back on.

Charlie let her to the door. "I'll let you book another appointment with Ruby, but I look forward to working with you, Heidi."

Heidi gave him a smile. "Me too," she admitted.

"Oh, and Heidi," Charlie added as she turned to leave. She paused and glanced back. "Just tell yourself, Duckie: you're really quite lucky."

Heidi blinked. "Did you just quote Dr Seuss at me?"

"I did," he chuckled. "But in all seriousness, let me leave you a quote to ponder. 'You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do'."

After booking an appointment for the same time the following week, Heidi headed home – this time calling a cab. In the car she responded to a half dozen texts from Jordan, all asking her how it had gone. Surprisingly well, she text back. It's a lot to put in a text, so you finish this rescue and I will see you tomorrow and tell you everything. I promise. xxx

As Michelle had let her have the rest of the day, and there was no message from the supervisor requesting her presence, Heidi figured she wasn't needed. Once home, she shed herself of her damp clothes, warming herself up in a hot bath. Then, only intending on having a quick nap, she got into bed and pulled the covers up around her.

Heidi awoke feeling better than she had in a while, enjoying the feeling of a good stretch. A quick glance at the clock told her she had managed to sleep all through the night, much less the afternoon. Clearly, she needed the sleep. Beside her, her phone continued to vibrate at her. "Hi Michelle," she greeted her boss sleepily.

"Heidi, are you awake?" Michelle asked her.

Heidi frowned. "Yes," she responded slowly. "Michelle, what's wrong?"

There was a long pause before Michelle answered. "Heidi, I need to ask you a question, and I need you to answer it honestly."

"Sure," Heidi agreed.

"I haven't seen the report, so I don't know what the doctor has said, but we have a situation here-"

"I'm there," Heidi told her, throwing the covers back and sitting upright.

"Hold on, Heidi," Michelle told her. "It's not that simple. I need an emergency evac. It's raining heavily, the cloud bank is low, and the wind is picking up. I need a chopper pilot and a good one. The only person I know who is capable of pulling this off is you. But that's only if you feel up to it."

Heidi glanced down at her lap. Before she had seen Charlie the day before, she would have answered with a straight out yes – just to prove a point. Now, part of her was concerned it was too soon to be flying again.

The crash wasn't your fault, Charlie's words echoed in her head. Well no, maybe not. But that didn't mean she wanted to get back up in the air. Hell, the problem was, she wasn't certain she was capable of doing it.

"The hikers are in a bad way?" Heidi asked.

"It's not the newlyweds," Michelle informed her. "It's one of us - a snakebite and we need to get them to a hospital immediately."

"Shit!" Heidi exclaimed. Charlie's last quote echoed around in her mind. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. Someone needed her. Regardless of whether or not she thought she could do it, she would do it.

"Heidi?" Michelle pressed.

"I can do it," Heidi assured her. She got to her feet and pulled the curtains back, assessing the miserable weather outside. "Or I can at least give it my best shot."

The relief in Michelle's voice was obvious. "Thank God."

So, I have a question for y'all (and a poll set up in my profile ready to take your answers) - given the choice, would you rather long chapters with weekly updates, or shorter chapters with more updates? Or don't you care? And in other news, they cancelled Rush! WTF? Grrrrrr.

MissShawnaAlice - Thank you! I haven't quite worked out that balancing act out yet - I really need to get back to reading!

MMC gang - I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Recuelover - You don't like him? But he's so... charming...

Miss Deeds - I am trying very hard to make myself write a little each day. I did like Cole to start with and I certainly didn't intend on him turning into such a tool. I have plans for him. Which admittedly, might change. But he won't. LOL, I think I want to shout at the majority of them too!