"So, we good to go?" Joker spun around in his seat as the team returned.

The commander ignored him. Adrenaline poured through him, driving him forward and making up for the mental exhaustion and lack of sleep he had experienced over the blur of the last few days.

"Ash, Wrex, get to your stations. I'll alert everyone once we leave." They both nodded and left. Shepard strode quickly to Pressly, the executive officer saluting as he approached. The man is so damn formal all the time. "Pressly, we're taking the Normandy and going after Saren. This is going against direct orders from the Council and the Alliance. Send out word to the crew. Anyone who doesn't want to stay, leaves now." The navigator gaped at him. "That includes you, Pressly. I won't blame anyone who wants to go." Shepard watched the man. He respected the man's service record, the time he had spent with the Alliance, but they had never had more than a working relationship. He didn't expect the words that came out of his XO's mouth.

"I'm with you, Commander. We've all seen firsthand what we're up against. We're doing something important here. I'll send out the memo immediately, but I know this crew is with you too. To the end." Navigator Pressly saluted again.

Shepard blinked in surprise. "Uh… Thank you, Pressly." He murmured, his voice shocked.

"Stealing the Normandy… I know we'll all be court-martialed if this doesn't work out, but part of me loves this!" He grinned and turned towards his console to alert the crew. Shepard smirked, and turned back towards the cockpit. He heard the crew's audible gasps as they read the news. It was a risk, telling them before they were free and clear. But he trusted the crew. They wouldn't betray him. And he wasn't about to kidnap them.

No one stood, no one made a move to leave. His chest swelled with gratitude, unable to understand their dedication to him. He didn't deserve it. The blind faith moved him, but also brought down the weight of what he was doing. He was leading them into something dangerous, something very likely to turn out deadly. They were going up against one of the Council's most renowned agents. Saren was a big enough problem on his own. But even if they did stop the rogue Spectre – and his massive fleet of geth lackeys - there was still Sovereign. Suddenly, the excitement he felt at being able to chase Saren was replaced by trepidation. They were after a goddamn Reaper. Even if they stopped the rest of his buddies from coming, they had no idea what Sovereign was really capable of. And going into it alone… his crew's earlier warnings seemed a lot more reasonable now. His heart rate began to rise as he recognized the familiar feeling of the tide turning against him. The odds were impossible.

But they had no choice.

"Stealing the Normandy?! Hell, yes! This is what I'm talking about, Shepard!" Joker grinned up from his station and swiveled around again to face him. "How is this working? Anderson had a plan?" He was practically bouncing.

"He's overriding the locks. Should be any minute now." Shepard settled into the co-pilot's seat. His eyes rested on the console before him and he let out a heavy sigh. The lights were red, indicating the lockdown was still in effect. "Be ready. We'll only have a few minutes before they realize what's going on."

"This is so awesome. I'm going to get some serious street cred from this. Jeff Moreau, fugitive of the Alliance." He beamed. "God, the ladies won't be able to stay back. Better watch yourself, Shepard. There's a new badass on the Normandy to make all the girls swoon."

Shepard snorted. His eyes didn't leave the controls. "Yeah, you're a real bad boy, Joker. Thanks, by the way, for broadcasting my personal life to the Normandy. Did you really have to tell everyone?"

"I didn't tell everyone, only a select few I knew would be entertained by the vid." Shepard's eyes left the console for a split second to pin Joker with a heated glare. "Hey, someone had to. You've got a serious following, with that whole burly, broody, angry man thing you've got going on. Liara was just the only one with the balls – so to speak – to face down Ashley."

"Right."

"Oh, it's true. You should hear how the women on crew titter about your rugged good looks." The pilot snorted, rolling his eyes. "Really, I was doing you a favor. No one really knows what's going on with you and Ash, besides the constant sickening flirting. So I thought it was time to get everything out into the open – spare your fan club some heartache. You really need to update your relationship status, Commander. They're all hanging on to hope out there that it's just a fling." Joker glanced at the Spectre. "Unless it is?"

"Joker. It's not anyone's business."

"Come on. You have to give me something. I have my own personal soap opera happening on these monitors, and you two just keep dancing around each other and doing nothing."

"Joker. We can't do anything. And stop watching me." His eyes watched the red light, tension building. What the hell is Anderson doing? Shepard frowned, hoping the captain hadn't found trouble.

"No. I get bored up here. And in a few moments, I think breaking the rules on fraternization will be the least of the Alliances grievances against you." Shepard's frown deepened. It was true, of course. The only thing keeping him back from her would be gone. It was… Fuck. Why was that so terrifying? His hand worried itself through his hair. He knew she was more, he knew he wanted more from her. He wanted her, all of her. But having her, and then losing her… Fuck! He couldn't think about it now. He focused his attention back on the red light. "Come on, Shepard. You've had to have done something. Or at least talked about something. Hell, I know it's not just a fling. You wouldn't have chosen her over Kaidan if it were." The pilot's voice was pained. The words hit Shepard like a blow to the chest. His breath left him. He tried to recover before the sirens started in his ears. "Stop bullshitting and go and get her, Shepard. She's not the kind of woman that's going to say it first."

The commander's brows shot up. He was silent for a few moments, his breath returning. "Wow, Joker. I never took you for a romantic."

"What can I say? I'm a renegade with a heart of gold." Joker settled a questioning look on him. "So?"

Shepard frowned. What could he say? She knew he cared about her. Maybe not how much, but he had made it pretty hard to miss. But what if she didn't want more from him? And if she did, how the hell could he give it to her? She was whole. She had a family, was raised right with loving parents and siblings and the whole fucking deal. Her life hadn't been perfect, but it was whole. She was so strong, so confident, so fucking beautiful. And he was just… broken. Maybe not as empty as he was before he met her, before the Normandy, but he was still a shell of what he could have been. He didn't know if he could go back. If he could find some way to just fucking stop - stop the nightmares, stop losing control, stop the constant, sickening guilt. The commander sighed. It wasn't fair to ask more of her.

"She deserves more than me." Shepard muttered, eyes holding on to the red light and not meeting Joker's gaze. The pilot scoffed.

"Oh, please. You're such a downer sometimes. Shepard, it is okay to be happy sometimes. You sure as hell have earned it. And I think Ashley is more than capable of determining what she deserves." Joker didn't look quite finished with scolding him, but the pilot stopped as his attention was brought back to the board.

The light turned green.

"Get us out of here, Joker. Now. Head straight towards the Mu Relay." Shepard jumped to his feet.

"Yes, sir!" The pilot grinned, his enthusiasm returned as his hands flew over his controls, their conversation forgotten. The commander strode quickly out of the cockpit, into the CIC and up the ramp to the galaxy map. Still-armored fingers activated the intercom. He drew in a deep breath and his hands came down to clutch the railing.

"This is Shepard speaking." He growled out, his eyes falling to the huge holographic universe before him, trying to steady himself. It was happening. Everything he'd been working towards. It was both satisfying and horrifying. "I have ordered the Normandy to leave the Citadel in pursuit of Saren. This is in direct noncompliance to the orders of both the Council and Alliance Command." Shepard's eyes rose from the map. He found the faces of his crew watching him. "As of now, the Normandy and her crew are fugitives of the Systems Alliance. But as someone reminded me not too long ago, the consequences of this will be nothing compared to the consequences of letting Saren get to the Conduit, of letting the Reapers invade." Shepard's hands clenched the railing. "I take this course because I must. We cannot afford complacency. This galaxy, and all of its citizens, cannot afford it. Against the threat of the Reapers, the only option is to act. To do the duty we signed on to do: to defend our worlds, our countries, our homes. To protect the people we care about."

"I thank you all for standing by me in this. Without you, none of it would have been possible. It's been a hard road. We've lost some good men…" His fists clenched tighter. "We do this for them. For Richard Jenkins. For Kaidan Alenko. For the billions more we'll lose if we don't. So let's go kick some fucking ass." Shepard pushed himself back from the railing. The CIC erupted in noise. "Shepard out."

He turned away from the map and headed straight for the stairs, offering only a few nods in acknowledgement to the applause. His heart was pounding hard and furious in his chest, his mind screaming. They trusted him. They believed in him. He had to do this, had to get this right. He couldn't fail again. Not at this. I can't just fucking lead them to their deaths. His eyes burned with the beacon's vision, with the images of burning bodies and the destruction of cities. The screams and the screeching and the deafening roar filled his ears, blocking out the crew's enthusiastic ovation. Shepard moved quickly down the stairs, trying to steady his breath, calm his pulse. He was going to do this. He had to do this. They all did.

He rounded the corner and made straight for his cabin. He need time to think, time to plan. The Normandy would get them into the Terminus Systems undetected, but there would be no way their landing on Ilos would go unnoticed. Saren would have geth and whatever krogan he managed to smuggle off Virmire stationed all around the Conduit. His team was in for a fight, and Shepard wasn't sure that they were ready. His hand slammed on the door control and he walked quickly to his desk, immediately starting on messages to the ground team. Telling them to prepare, ready for an assault. It was going to have to be quick – Saren was likely already there, and already preparing to activate the Conduit. Their only option was to go in shooting. To fight their way as best they could and as fast as they could to the Conduit, and shut Saren down. Once they succeeded at that, well…

They only had one Reaper to deal with.

The thought was less encouraging than he wanted it to be. The Normandy was built for stealth missions, not a straight up fight. He doubted a ship as large and as goddamn intimidating as Sovereign would simply roll over. Its weapons must be deadly, considering what the Reapers were able to do to the Protheans - and he doubted the machines simply stopped at a good offense. Barriers, armor… There was no way they could take down that behemoth alone. They'd need allies. But until the Council and Udina got their heads out of their asses, they were alone.

Shepard's hands tugged through his hair. It was only then he realized he still had his armor on. He unlatched his gauntlets and let them fall to his desk and stood. He pulled at the rest of his armor, leaving it where it dropped around his cabin. He wasn't about to deal with his locker now. He held two fingers to his ear.

"Joker, any sign of pursuit?"

"No, damn it. I was hoping to finally be able to put my baby through her paces."

Shepard rolled his eyes, pacing back and forth across the room. "Don't worry, Joker. You've still got a Reaper to dodge."

"Oh, gee, thanks, Shepard. Real encouraging."

"How long until we approach the relay?"

"We have a couple jumps to make. I put the ETA around six hours."

"Got it. Keep me updated."

The Spectre lowered his hand, effectively closing the line. He peeled off the shirt he had worn beneath his armor. The fresh air over his skin felt wonderful. He was fucking exhausted. Six hours was a long time, maybe he could squeeze in a nap… No. He sighed, grabbing a fresh shirt and shrugging it on. It wasn't nearly long enough. He had to check on everyone, make sure they were ready. They had to be ready. No one could have doubts. He picked his way around the scattered pieces of armor towards his door.

It slid open, and he regretted it. They were still looking at him like he was some kind of fucking hero, here to lead them to victory. It made the bile rise in his throat. He had never led anyone anywhere good. Avoiding the gazes of the crewmembers, he walked across the deck to the medbay. As the door opened, the doctor looked up in surprise.

"Commander? I rather thought you would be busy with preparations. What can I do for you?"

"How are our medical supplies? Are we stocked well enough?"

"As well as we can be. I take it we have no time to stop." Chakwas eyed him curiously as his hand tugged at his hair. "I believe we have what we need to make it through. We'll likely have to resupply after the mission, though, if it is going to be as dangerous as your speech suggested." Shepard simply nodded. Good. That's good. "How are you, Shepard?"

His eyes lifted and met the doctor's, his brow raising. "Really, Doc? Now?"

"This is a straining situation. The crew is depending on you to get them through this, Commander. It's a lot of pressure."

"I realize that."

"And you're able to handle it?" Shepard grimaced. "You haven't been well since your break after Virmire. The bags under your eyes tell me you've slept probably half as much as you should have. Further stress could trigger another episode."

"Fuck, Doc. I really don't have time for this right now. I'm fine. I'm feeling fine."

Chakwas gave him a critical glare. "This is serious, Shepard. Your mental health is not something to be toyed with or ignored. You need to be at your best. I know our time is limited, but you must find a way to clear your mind and strengthen your resolve." She sighed. "Preferably, one that doesn't involve you injuring yourself on electronics. Try to rest, Shepard. Calm yourself. Listen to music."

"Fine! I'll fucking meditate. But first, I need to make sure my team is ready. That will calm me." He growled. This is fucking ridiculous. It wasn't the time for a psych eval. She crossed her arms, and leveled the Spectre with an even stare. Shepard sighed. "And I'll try not to yell." He murmured, defeated.

"Good. Good luck, Commander." She gave a nod and turned back to her work.

The commander walked towards the back of the medbay, eyeing the door to Liara's quarters uneasily. This conversation was bound to be awkward, and he half-considered just backing out of it. But he needed the asari at her best. She was a damn powerful biotic when she was able to concentrate her powers, and she'd give them an advantage against numbers. If she wasn't aiming her shots at him. He knocked on her door tentatively.

"Oh, come in." The asari's soft voice called, and he did as she bid, stepping through the opening door and nodding in greeting as she stood from her desk.

"Ready?"

"I believe so. It is hard to be sure, considering what we are up against. But I will do my best." Liara didn't meet his gaze, her blue eyes dancing over the floor. Shepard frowned, but nodded.

"Good." He muttered. She still didn't look at him. The commander sighed, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. "Look, Liara…"

"There's no need to say anything, Commander. It was simply a cross-cultural misunderstanding. I assumed things I shouldn't have. As I said, it will not affect the mission." Her blue eyes finally lifted, earnest in her. She still looked hurt, but honest. "I want to see this through. This mission is more important than any petty differences I may have with the crew."

Shepard watched her for a moment, then nodded. "Thank you, Liara. I'm glad you're here." The asari smiled, and gave a curt nod, but said nothing. "I'll let everyone know once we're close. Try to get some rest." He turned and left quietly. That went a lot better than I thought it would. He walked through the medbay without another word, making his way to the elevator. The rest of the crew would likely be together in the hold. He felt a wince of guilt that Liara had become even more secluded due to the whole incident, but it was too late to fix it. The lift's door closed excruciatingly slow, and the ride down was even slower. His mind buzzed with doubt. He leaned against the wall.

How the hell are we going to do this?

The door lifted, and the rest of them were waiting for him. Wrex's red eyes narrowed as his teeth were bared in his signature grin, disassembled pieces of his shotgun in his hands. Garrus pushed himself out from under the Mako, rolling over Tali's foot as she waved her omnitool over the vehicles hull, likely running further diagnostics.

"Bosh'tet!" She squealed in protest and kicked him.

Shepard smirked, but the expression faded as he realized someone was missing. She was missing.

"Shepard."

"Wrex?"

"What are you doing down here?"

The commander frowned. "Making sure you're all getting ready." He growled back drily. "Are you ready?" His eyes drifted towards Garrus and Tali, then back to Wrex.

"Yes, Commander!" Tali squeaked enthusiastically. Garrus nodded, his mandibles fluttering in amusement.

"Quite the speech you gave there, Shepard."

"Oh, shut up."

The turian laughed. "We're behind you. If anyone can pull this off, it's you. You're damn good at crazy."

"We're ready. Saren is getting what's coming to him. Don't doubt it, Shepard." Wrex grunted, his eyes assessing the Spectre. The krogan was way too keen for his own good. "What are you doing down here though?"

"I told you, Wrex." Shepard's brow furrowed at the krogan as his lips spread in another toothy, conniving grin.

"I mean what are you doing down here when your woman is waiting upstairs?"