Chapter 4

The next morning, Karma was the one to wake up first. She tried getting out of bed, but Amy sleepily moaned and tightened her grip on her. "Nooo. Stay here," Amy said in a sleepy voice.

"Unlike you, I have a class to get to this morning."

"Skip it," the blonde said opening her eyes to meet Karma's. "Stay here with me."

"I can't," she said with a pouty face.

"Pleeease? I miss you."

Karma laughed, "why do you keep saying that?"

"Because I do," she squeezed her closer. "At least let me finish what we started last night," she purred into Karma's ear.

"I, uh" Karma stuttered. "I really do need to get to class."

"Come on. Didn't you tell me one time that you're always horny in the mornings?" Amy laughed.

"Hey!" Karma shifted to look at her, "I did not use those words! And I told you that in confidence. I didn't know you would use that against me some day."

"I didn't think I would either, but here we are," she motioned at her holding Karma, still half naked from last night.

Karma laughed, "Amy, if you want me to do you, I will."

"What? No. We already did that last night. Now I want to do you."

"I don't know."

"Why?" Amy sat up, resting against the headboard. "Why is it okay for you to do it to me but I can't do it to you? You're acting like you're doing me a favor."

"Amy, that's not what this is."

"God, Karma. If you don't have feelings for me just tell me, but to go this far to avoid conflict is pretty fucking twisted."

"Amy, we are moving way too fast."

"Are you kidding?" Amy was getting angry again. She was so sick of fighting about this. She always imagined falling for someone would be blissful and innocent, but so far this had just been a giant headache. She hated fighting with Karma, and lately that's all they've been doing. "Karma, we've been best friends for thirteen years. You get a new boyfriend practically every week, and you sleep with all of them right away, but we're moving too fast?"

"Do you even hear what you're saying?" Karma stormed out of bed and grabbed her clothes. "You think because I sleep with them right away that I owe you sex?"

"No! Karma, no! That isn't what I'm saying at all. It just makes me feel like shit knowing that I have all of these feelings and you don't feel the same way. You don't owe me anything. I'm not good with words, you know that! I just feel, I don't know, insecure? God, Karma, these feelings are driving me fucking insane," Amy started to tear up. "I didn't mean for it to sound like I expect anything from you. I don't. I'm just so fucking confused with what we're doing. I'm sorry," she managed to choke out before sobbing.

"Amy, I-"

"And you know what the worst part is? I don't even have anybody to talk to about it, because you're the one I always talk to. That's the way it's always been. So what, after thirteen years, everything is just different now?"

"This is why I wanted to take it slow," Karma mumbled, sitting on her bed and hiding her face in her hands. "I just thought if we could ease into this slowly, then maybe it wouldn't feel like such a huge leap. Then again, I didn't plan on fucking you less than 24 hours after our first kiss," Karma nervously laughed, trying to cover up the fact that she was tearing up as well.

"Wait, what do you mean you thought we could ease into this slowly? Ease into what, exactly?"

"I just thought that if it started off as a kiss and we took it slow enough, it wouldn't be such a huge leap into being in a relationship, you know?"

Amy stared at her in disbelief. "Did you plan this? Did you plan on getting drunk and kissing me?"

"W-what? Amy, come on, that's ridiculous."

"Karma!"

"Okay, maybe a little bit."

Amy placed her hands over her face and groaned as she slid down onto her bed. With every answer she got came a thousand more questions. Why was Karma Ashcroft so complicated?

"Karma… why did you plan this?" Amy asked, staring at the ceiling.

"I was sick of not being with you. It was getting painful, Amy. I kept trying to date other people, but it never worked. And it was so hard to be comforted by you after every breakup, because it killed me I couldn't be with you."

"Woah," Amy said, her eyes widening. She had no idea, she really didn't.

"I know," Karma said, desperately trying to regain eye contact with Amy. "I'm sorry."

Amy looked up at the girl sitting on the other bed. "It's okay, Karma. I just wish you would have told me when you started having these feelings."

"I know. I just.. I was afraid I'd lose you." Amy looked into the other girl's eyes and saw complete vulnerability. Karma was always open with things about Amy, but she had never seen her look like this before. She was terrified she would say the wrong thing. She was terrified she would hurt her.

"Karma," she said as she got up to sit next to her, putting her arm around her and holding her close. "You could never lose me."

"Really?"

"Of course not. The only reason we've been fighting so much lately is because we've been hiding things. We just have to be honest with each other like we usually are."

Karma let out a sigh of relief. "I thought you would be more freaked out."

"You should know by now that nothing you do could freak me out," Amy laughed. "I've stuck around this long, I'm not going anywhere. How long did you have feelings for me anyways?"

"Uhh," Karma laughed nervously. "Amy, I don't think you want to know."

"Oh, come on. Just tell me. A few months? A year?"

"Since middle school."

Amy nearly jumped from her seat. Middle school?!

"Karma!"

"I told you! To be fair, I didn't really realize it until recently. I had gotten so used to wanting you that it seemed normal. It wasn't until my last breakup that I realized I'd always been in love with you. And then it just got too overwhelming. Every time I was around you it felt like I was going to explode. I love you, Amy. God, that feels so good to finally say." She looked into the blonde's eyes. "I love you."

Amy couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was so wrapped up in this girl that she was wondering if she had feelings all along too. It made sense, maybe it just took the kiss for her to realize it. She stared into Karma's eyes, seeing a side of her she had never seen before. She wanted to say she loved her too, because she did. She really did love Karma, more than anyone else in the world, with every inch of her. But suddenly, Amy felt like things were happening too fast. She didn't know if she was in love with her. How could she? She only started feeling these things less than two days ago. She didn't know what being in love was, and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt Karma. She couldn't, not after she had been so open.

"Karma.. I can't. I love you, I do, just-"

"Just not like that." Karma looked down at the floor trying to stop her tears. "I can't lose you Amy. I can't be just friends either. Not after all of this. It hurts too much."

Amy held Karma close to her as she cried on her shoulder. "Karma, it's not that I don't have feelings for you, I do. I don't even know what love is."

"Trust me Amy," Karma said, her voice steadying. "You would know." Karma wiped her tears from her eyes as she stood up to continue getting dressed. "It's okay, Amy. I don't want you to feel guilty. This was my fault. We'll figure it out."

"Karma.." Amy said as her voice cracked. She had never felt worse in her life. But Karma was right, she just didn't know. Not yet. "This isn't your fault. This is my fault. You wanted to take things slow and I fucked everything up." She wiped the tears from her face before she laughed in realization. "This is so like us! It takes us forever to get on the same page. One of us is always going a million miles an hour and the other one is always sitting down." She managed to get a smile from Karma.

"This is like us, isn't it?"

"Yes!" She stood up to meet Karma as she rubbed her arms. "That's why I know we'll be okay. No matter what happens."

"I didn't mean to put any pressure on you Amy," Karma looked down sadly.

Amy couldn't stand to see Karma like this. She pulled her in and hugged her tight. "What are we going to do with you, Ashcroft?"

"I really do have to get to class."

"I hate Sundays. It's the only day I have completely off and you have classes until 3. Who puts class on a Sunday? What am I supposed to do all day without you?"

Karma weakly smiled and continued to gather her things. "I think you'll survive," she said more flatly than she planned for.

"Barely," Amy said.

"I'm gonna get going."

"Oh, okay. Well, come back as soon as you're done with class so we can go get something to eat like we usually do."
"Sure."

"I'll miss you!" Amy said, shooting her a toothy smile.

"Yeah," Karma said walking out the door, half-smiling, trying to cover up the fact that her heart had just been ripped in half. It broke Amy's heart. She flopped on the bed trying not to cry yet again. Every time one of Karma's boyfriends broke her heart, she wanted to punch them in the face. Now she hurt Karma. She had no idea what to do, but she had to do something.