Chapter 5
Amy didn't want to be cooped up all day, but she also had nowhere to go. She sat down on Karma's bed and realized how exhausted she was. She had went to bed decently late the past few nights, not to mention the stress that was wearing her down. Maybe I'll just take a quick nap, she thought. She laid herself down on her stomach, face first into Karma's pillow. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Karma before turning her head and smiling. She pulled Karma's blanket over herself and grasped at the sheets, feeling as close to her as she could right now. She let out a sleepy moan before letting herself fall into a gentle sleep.
She dreamt of living in her first house in Austin, the one that was right next to Karma's, the one she lived in until she was ten. She dreamt of waking up excitedly for school. She was in the same class as Karma in 3rd grade, and she was so relieved to be able to see her best friend every day. She remembered waiting at the bus stop with her friend one particularly cold morning and forgetting to bring a jacket. "Here," a smiling Karma said, handing her jacket to Amy. "I deal with the cold better than you." Amy smiled because she knew she was right. She took the jacket and snuggled up to Karma, trying to keep her warm too.
She dreamt of the day she auditioned for America's Got Talent with her yo-yo routine. Karma came with her, giving her a pep talk before she went on. "Amy, you've been practicing this for months. You got this. Nobody yo-yos better than you," she said excitedly, trying to unnerve her friend. "Amy Raudenfeld," she heard her name being called. "Good luck," Karma smiled, giving her a thumbs up. Of course, the routine was a disaster. Even if it had gone according to plan, which it didn't, it would still have always been an embarrassing memory. Amy left the audition room trying not to cry. Karma hugged her and held her tight.
"Hey, it's okay. You tried. I'm not as brave as you are, Amy. You tried to make me go on there and sing and I wouldn't because I was too scared."
Amy looked at her with tears in her eyes, "you're not embarrassed for me?"
Karma laughed. "Of course not. That routine was still badass. Come on, let's go home. You can sleepover at my house and we can watch TV." Karma held her hand as they walked with her mom to the car.
She dreamt of their sophomore year in high school when they went to Shane Harvey's party. Everyone thought they were lesbians after a false accusation from Lauren. She remembered how Karma wanted to go along with it. She couldn't figure out why Karma would go that far for popularity, but she remembered agreeing to go along with it for Karma's sake. She would do anything to make her happy, because that's what best friends do. Unfortunately for them, Lauren recorded their fight in the locker room, exposing it at the homecoming assembly. Amy remembers her readiness to kiss Karma to prove to the school they weren't faking. She wasn't sure why she was willing to do that. It didn't matter, though, because Lauren had proof, and the girls had fallen off of the social ladder. Amy wouldn't have cared, but it broke Karma's heart. Liam Booker wouldn't give her the time of day. Karma craved his approval. Karma craved everybody's approval.
Karma didn't understand what it was like to be loved unconditionally. Her parents were always comparing her to her older brother. The only person that ever cared about her for who she is was Amy. But she had feelings for Amy, feelings she thought Amy didn't return, so she couldn't give herself to Amy unconditionally. She had to try to earn love from other people. Being herself wasn't enough. When she failed, she felt unlovable, which continued her cycle of self-loathing.
There was a vulnerable and broken person under the image obsessed girl known as Karma Ashcroft. It all made sense to Amy now, she saw that girl today. She saw that girl when she finally gave herself, bared her soul to Amy. She didn't know why she couldn't see her before. But she didn't give herself back to Karma. She put up a wall between them, because she was afraid of getting hurt. Karma had always said that Amy was the brave one, but today, Karma was brave.
Then, Amy dreamt of the future. She dreamt that she never told Karma how much she loves her, how much she cares about her, how much she appreciates her. She dreamt that Karma moved out. She got a new roommate, it was too much to be around Amy. Karma met a new girl who wasn't afraid to show her how much she cares about her, and they moved in together. When it was cold, Karma gave up her jacket for her. When she was nervous, Karma gave her a reassuring pep talk. When she was sad, or upset, or happy, or angry, or content, or anything, Karma was there for that girl. That girl that wasn't Amy. All because Amy was too afraid to take the jump, to step off the edge with Karma, the girl that had once done all those things for her and so much more.
She jolted awake, tears streaming down her face. She had taken Karma for granted for too long. It was time to take the leap, no matter how terrifying it was. She did love Karma. She was in love with her, with every part of her. With all of her flaws and imperfections, she was everything to Amy. She couldn't lose her. She wouldn't lose her. Not after everything they'd been through.