Things we lost in the fire

It wasn't like him anymore to be a dick for no reason. But Granger had become increasingly inquisitive about anything concerning him. He wanted their trust but he wasn't ready to be completely truthful.

He needed her to at least dislike him enough to allow him to tag along but not to be friends. He didn't want their sympathy or their judgment. He wanted Voldemort gone and then he'd be gone too. He could start to heal.

That night they stayed in the wizards home. He took the couch next to Weaslebee whom he had recently renicknamed. He could hear the Weasley snore loudly and he almost thanked him. The last thing he needed to do was be in his own head. He didn't want to think about the things he'd said to Granger. He'd been right but it no longer brought him joy to watch her squirm and blush. He found no joy in arguing just to argue but his secrets depended on it.

His dreams still haunted him, everyday it was a challenge to hide his scars both emotionally and physically. Certain curses took longer to heal and the cuts they made inside of him would never scar. He knew that, but he wasn't ready for them to know.

"No not the spiders," Weaslebee groaned in his sleep and it made Draco snicker. It was always the spiders with him.

"Can't sleep?" He heard a voice. He'd heard Potter walking around before. Sleep eluded him as much as it did Draco. So it wasn't a surprise to hear him at the foot of the couch.

Draco sat up and started at Ron's fidgeting form, even in his sleep he avoided leaning too much on his bummy arm. The arm Draco had healed.

"I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep," Draco said and as soon as he said it he realized it was true, "must be two years now."

"You've been busy," he heard the tone. The tone Potter always used to let him know he hadn't been forgiven only temporarily left on parole for his offenses. Potter also accompanied it with a look but thanks to the darkness of the room he was spared from it this time.

"Why did you allow me to make the unbreakable vow? Why did you let me stay?" Draco asked. He shouldn't have cared. He was here wasn't he? Why question Potter's motives now. "You know what I've done. You saw what I did at the gala and yet you trust me to sleep in the same tent as you and your friends."

Potter crossed over to the other side of the room next to a window. Draco could see his face now. It looked tired and pensive. Something else he'd never seen written on his face but he couldn't describe it.

Harry looked up and said quietly for Ron was stirring again, "I agreed to the vow because when you were swearing your loyalty to us you had that same look on your face you had the night you threatened Dumbledore. Right before you started lowering your wand." Draco looked away, ashamed. "I let you stay after you killed Gibbon because this is a war and my friends were being shot at and you saved them."

"Spiders!" Ron shouted then turned over and went back to sleep. It almost made Draco laugh. He could see Harry's face lighten and felt like their conversation was over. It was as close as a thank you as he would get. Not that he needed one or wanted one. But he could see that in time the walls he'd built himself over the years between him and the trio could be unmade. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be completely seen.

Hermione stroked the fire she had started in the chimney. She had learned a quick trick to make the smoke invisible. It kept them safe and warm for at least another couple of hours.

She tried not to look at Draco directly but she could feel his eyes on her. She had been refusing to turn around and yell at him to stop only because she was trying to will herself to not care. The house suddenly seemed very small and suffocating.

She stood straight and turned, pleased to find that he had been staring but then confused because she realized he'd been staring at the fire. She looked back at the chimney and wondered quietly what was so interesting when suddenly she saw a face.

Her wand was out so quickly she wondered if perhaps her hand had been hovering around it for quite some time. Harry and Ron who had been sitting on the couch behind her were suddenly at her sides but Draco was kneeling in front of the fire.

"Mother?" He said urgently, "Mum..." His voice broke and with it Hermione's anger.

"My dear boy," Narcissa Malfoy said. She had used the same method of communicating as Sirius had all those years ago now. "Draco listen to me carefully, you and the others are in danger. Grave danger. The Dark Lord received a tip, they're coming for you."

"What? How?" Harry stammered kneeling besides Draco. Narcissa didn't look at him.

"Draco it's your father. He went back, but he's on our side. He contacted me so I could find you..."

"If we leave now, won't they know someone snitched?" Draco said so close to the fire he had started to sweat. "They'll know it's him."

"You have to get to safety Draco, you don't have much time. Your father can take care of himself."

Behind them Hermione could hear Ron gathering their things and then her purse was being shoved towards her.

"We'll fight," Draco suggested looking at Harry.

"That's not our mission," Harry said getting up and momentarily glancing at Narcissa's face in the fire. "How do we know she's telling the truth? How did she find us and how do we know she's not the one that told them where we are."

"Because as evil as you think we are my mother wouldn't sellout her only son to you know who!" Draco shoved Harry but Harry didn't shove him back, he didn't even seem affronted. It appeared Harry had heard the same insinuation Draco had.

"How about we just let them see us?" Draco suggested. If his father was risking his life for him, Draco owed it to his father to give him some validity with Voldemort. "We wait long enough for them to see us-"

"No-" Harry started but it didn't matter because they had no choice. Several pops could be heard on the lawn outside.

"Draco run!" Narcissa's voice sounded throughout the room and then it was like the gala all over again.

Draco stood and grabbed Harry by the arm and turned. He saw Granger next and grabbed her arm too and steered them in the direction of the kitchen. It connected to a hall that would take them towards the rear of the property. It was their way out.

He had pushed Harry through the kitchen door first and then Hermione. Ron and himself were running through the threshold when he felt the floor shake and glass shatter. Thousands of shards of glass exploded and attacked them like shrapnel.

He knew they were running but everything felt like slow motion. Unlike at the gala things had moved so fast he hardly remembered getting from point A to point B. However similar the situations this felt different. Next to him Ron swore when the kitchen door flew off its hinges. They both looked back and lost their footing stumbling into each other.

Draco raised his wand a second before a stunning spell was cast at them by a masked figure. His protego went up as planned but the spell rebounded in the small hallway and forced the pictures on the wall to fall and shatter just like the glass from the living space had. When and if they got out of here alive he would be picking out glass out of his skin for days.

He felt two small hands pulling him from behind just as Ron was pulled by Harry.

"Come on, this way!" Harry shouted pushing everyone through the hall. They shouted curses behind them, mostly Ron and Draco because the hall was so narrow. It seemed they were gaining ground and then suddenly they were outside and Draco was blinded by the sunlight but he felt cold. It was strange, it was a gorgeous day and yet he could see his breath.

"Dementors," Harry shouted raising his wand above them. His hand was shaking and his glasses were falling off of his face. All the shoving and running had left them all worse for wear.

"Harry do it!" Hermione shouted and raised her own wand. There must have been ten or fifteen dementors floating high above them, slowly lowering themselves towards them.

"Expecto Patronum!" Harry shook, "Expecto!" But it was useless, not even a whisper of a patronus appeared and the dementors were getting closer. Draco could almost see up the hoods, he could hear the Death Eaters approaching. They'd never be able to apparate if they didn't get rid of the hooded demons.

He raised his own wand and with all the determination of the world he roared, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

He'd only done this once before and his falcon had been weak, it had barely flown two inches before disappearing into a dissappointing whisper.

This time it expanded its wings and soared through the sky around and in between the dementors. They were forced to disperse as his majestic falcon chased them like scared little puppies. His falcon soared one last time above them and dove towards Draco filling him with warmth he didn't know he needed and then just like that evaporated into thin air.

He was so shocked it had worked he didn't even feel Hermione's hand on his wrist. He turned one last time towards the house and watched as the Death Eater's broke through a window, unmasked they saw the four of them group together and apparate. He saw their stunned faces to verify for themselves that Draco Malfoy really was with the Golden Trio. To see that he had been the one to cast away the dementors.

They smacked so hard on the floor of a building he was momentarily disoriented with heaviness.

"Where are we?" He groaned trying to get up on his feet but those also felt heavy. Harry put a hand on his shoulder and made Draco sit again. He helped Hermione set up the enchantments.

"While we were at the house I saw a weather report. Storms everywhere. Saw this abandoned gymnasium once with my dad. He had wanted to restore it to make it into a private practice. Thought it could keep us warm and dry until the storm passes." Her hands shook as she waved her wand around, avoiding eye contact with him. He could tell she was trying to distract herself from what had just happened.

"What happened back there?" Ron asked sitting next to Draco, he held his head in his hands while his elbows rested on his long legs. He was breathing heavily and he looked paler than normal. Draco could see the locket resting on his chest, whatever it was he knew it was bad. They never let him carry it and he was glad.

"That's twice now," Harry said kneeling on the ground next to Hermione's bag and extracting the tent quickly. "You've saved us twice now." The building they were in wasn't as grand as the Great Hall but it was definitely beautiful in its abandoned state. He had always found places like this beautiful. They held a history that the present was leaving undisturbed.

He tried to concentrate on the building instead of on Harry who seemed on the verge of a panic attack. He waved his wand around furiously trying to set up the tent.

"Twice," Harry said again under his breath.

"Harry," Hermione had finished her enchantments. She too now noticed the atmosphere. "We should talk about this."

Harry walked away from his finished tent. He was vibrating. Draco stood on shaky legs waiting for it. Waiting for whatever flood of emotions Potter was about to unleash.

He saw it written on his face first. That emotion he had been hiding from them. Not just from Draco but from his friends. It was a mix between fury and fear and right that second it was all directed at Draco.

"What are you doing here!" He shouted at him and Draco nearly took a step back. Harry advanced on him, taking out his wand and pointing it at Draco's throat. "I asked you a question Malfoy!"

Ron and Hermione approached them but Draco held out his hands. He could imagine a spear pointed at his heart. The vow was demanding an answer.

"I've told you Potter," Draco tried to breathe normally but his heart was racing, "I want to help defeat you know who. I want to be on the right side."

Harry must have known he could only speak the truth but Harry didn't retreat. "Tell me the truth Malfoy. Did you know your father would be at the gala?"

"No."

"Have you been communicating with your mother behind our backs?"

"No."

"What did he do to you?!"

Draco opened his mouth and then shut it. He was sweating now. He really did take a step back this time but Harry followed him.

"When?" Draco asked trying to buy himself time. Trying to trick him. It was all in vain. Harry smiled seeing the distress in Draco's eyes.

"When you failed to kill Dumbledore. What did he do to you?"

"Harry, stop..." Hermione whispered.

Draco shook. He was trying so hard to keep his mouth closed, to stop the pain in his heart. He looked at Ron but Ron was staring intently at the floor pale as a ghost. Then he turned to Hermione who looked nauseated.

"I asked you a question, answer it." Harry jabbed his wand deeper into Draco's throat.

He couldn't hold back any longer, "He tortured me." Draco couldn't stop it. The outflow of information was rampant. He showed them his scars. The visible ones he had been hiding behind transfiguration. Hermione saw them first, he heard her gasp and then she took one of his arms in her hands and held it up to the little light that the gymnasium allowed.

Harry saw the scars on his neck, next to his wand.

"He physically tortured me for weeks starting the night I failed. As soon as I was home the Death Eaters took me to the manor's dungeons. I was held there for their amusement. When he wanted a go, he would come down and..." He wanted to vomit but the vow made him continue. "He'd make me see things. Sometimes I didn't know if they were real. He'd show me my parents dying. He'd show me death and torture. He made me think I had done it."

He was staring at the ceiling now. His vision was blurry and in the distance, he wasn't sure, but he could hear someone crying. Was it him?

"Then he got bored. He wanted to teach me a lesson. Nobody could help. My parents were punished too. Snape, he tried but he couldn't stop him. Not yet. I don't think he knew what he had planned for me. Perhaps he would have interfered sooner..."

Draco's stomach tightened. His breaths came in short bursts. He could see their faces.

The first thing that came into focus were his hands. He was leaning against a hard surface and his feet were spread apart. He looked like an animal. His hands were dark with dirt and his bare feet were drenched in blood. He saw his wand next to his right foot and he bent to pick it up.

A sharp pain erupted in his head and he fell to his knees. He grasped at the pain trying to dig it out. There was something inside his skull, inside his brain, in his very being.

"That was almost fun," he heard a voice and the pain increased. A scream burst from inside his chest. His throat was so raw that it didn't last long, instead turning into coughs and then dry heaves.

"Come on Draco," he felt thin but strong fingers dig into his shoulder as they picked him up, "we were having such a good time. Don't tell me we have to start over?"

"What's happening to me?" Draco asked, more things coming into focus. He knew who was holding him, he wanted to know what he had done to him.

"You're becoming a better version of the weak pathetic scum your stupid parents raised you to be," Voldemort shoved him to the ground and kicked him hard enough that Draco was forced onto his back.

They were outside somewhere. Draco could see trees and dark skies but still his vision was blurred. The edges of his vision were red and everything else was black and white. Was he dying? Was his body giving up finally. He couldn't remember anything but torture. Sometimes it was so bad he was sure he would pass out for days. Some days he was sure he was awake but there were large periods of time that were just dark.

He turned his head and saw small mounds surrounding them. Rocks. If he could just get behind one. Maybe there was a precipice behind them. He could keep falling forever.

"As always I'm fixing the mistakes my Death Eaters make," Voldemort walked around him, always pointing his wand at him. At his heart. "You have potential. I'm surprised I hadn't seen it before..."

Draco searched the ground for his wand, Voldemort let him.

"Perhaps I did see it." Draco found his wand and held it as if the act alone was everything he had in the world. He wasn't stupid enough to curse Voldemort but now that he had it, he could try to apparate. But Voldemort turning his back on him, allowing him to take his wand made him stop. It was too easy. "I admit I choose you for the suicide mission to punish your idiot parents. But I gave you the mark in the hopes that your attempt would at least be admirable. And it was. I was going to kill you after my Death Eaters had their fun with you but you held on. I see a fire in you that could be useful Draco. After all how many wizards can withstand five weeks of torture day in and day out?"

"Five weeks?" Draco said in between rapid breaths. He was kneeling now, both his hands clutching his wand to his chest. He was squinting his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He realized they weren't alone. He could hear faint crying not too far from them. A woman.

"Yes, not to mention my little rehabilitation project. I take on so much," Draco could make him out now. He was standing in front of him, it unnerved him how much power he radiated. "Tonight my hope is that you'll finally be able to do it on your own."

"Do what?"

He wished he hadn't asked. Voldemort waved his wand and the crying from the distance erupted into full blown screams. Draco moved his head towards the sounds. His nerves were on fire but a familiarity in his bones caused him distress.

"Do you feel that Draco?" Voldemort smiled, "You want it. I know I do."

He waved his wand again. Draco stood slowly to better see the silhouette of a woman approach them. She was still screaming bloody murder but her unsteady legs made her come closer. There was something written in her eyes Draco had never seen. She knew what was coming. He was putting things together. He could feel the tight grip he had on his wand. The urge to do it.

"What's happening?" Draco asked looking down at his hands, his shaking wand. He wanted to kill her, he desired it.

Voldemort stepped closer to him like he was approaching a wild beast. Carefully, calculating.

"You don't remember the last couple of weeks do you?" The woman fell to her knees, her screams were now terrified sobs. Draco could hear her begging. "I wonder when my desire became yours Draco. When this whole Potter thing is over, I think mind control will be my new pet project. You are my guinea pig. You are doing so well. You have done excellent so far."

Draco's world spun. His vision became clearer. The surrounding area was filled with trees but what he had thought were bushes or large rocks before were wildly deceiving. Bodies...bodies everywhere.

"I didn't...I don't remember." He didn't try to hide the fear, the repulsion. What had he done?

"On the contrary," Voldemort was almost gleeful. He walked over to a pile of decomposing bodies and waved his wand over them to show Draco what he'd done. "You've built up quite the count. You struggled so much with the Imperius curse at first. It was quite the challenge but eventually I broke you. You're supposed to fight me more the longer I use it on you but I found a way around that you see."

He advanced on Draco again. Draco lost all the will to stand and he crumbled to the floor. Voldemort didn't care. He bent so he could see Draco's face. He was finding pleasure in this.

"I asked myself, how do you make a killer? How do you make a wizard want to kill if he has never wanted to before? So I got in your head Draco. Oh yes you fought me, you're a very talented Occulems I'll give you that but when I got in I molded you to myself. I showed you that this," he spread his arms around, "could be fun. Necessary."

"No," Draco sobbed, "I couldn't..."

Voldemort's gleefulness disappeared, anger replacing it immediately, "Oh Draco," he said dangerously, "but you did..."

Draco saw it. He saw himself shouting the curse. He saw it over and over again and that alone was worse than five weeks of torture. What he'd done to innocent people. He could see the progression in his mind. He started out scared, he fought and clawed at the dirt but eventually he would stand, point, and shout.

Just as past Draco awoke from the memories, present Draco stood silently in front of the trio. He could feel his shoulders slump, his breath was coming in uneven bursts. He thought he could faint but there was a will inside of him fighting it. He wouldn't fall apart in front of them.

Harry was no longer pointing his wand at him. Ron had actually sat down and taken off the locket that had been around his neck. He clutched it in his hand.

Hermione stood barely, a hand to her mouth and the other hugged her middle. They all looked at him unable to speak, unable to make sense of what he had just said.

"He made me do what I couldn't do at the top of the North Tower." Draco's mark burned feverishly. He hoped Voldemort could feel even an ounce of the grief and anger that he felt right now. It could kill him he was sure but Voldemort was not man. He could not feel those things, it was too human and he was too far gone. But Draco carried the weight of his actions every day.

He hadn't wanted to but he had.

"I'm sorry," Harry said in a way that made Draco look up. He could see the remorse was staggering. Threatening to destroy Harry. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"I killed her," Draco shrugged feeling like he had to share the one thing he thought he had done right. He saw as Hermione closed her eyes, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. It was too reminiscent of the woman who had kneeled before him.

"You don't have to..." Harry choked, "you've said enough."

"No," Draco said, "I want to. He told me I had to kill her or he'd make me do it and he'd make her death slow and painful. At first I thought she had been begging for mercy but as I crouched before her I saw her thoughts. I had never done that. I could see memories or dreams before. She showed me I had fought you know who. He hadn't gained ground as he made believe. I still fought him on some level. His desire was still his, not mine. I was tired and confused, I believed him.

I don't know if she knew what we were but she knew my wand could deliver her death, she was ready. I don't know if she knew what she was doing, if she knew I could see inside her head so I tried to tell her to close her eyes and she obeyed. I killed her. I felt no satisfaction but I had done it on her terms."

He couldn't hold himself up anymore. He kneeled slowly before them, "It was enough for him. He thought he had succeeded. He let Snape heal me. He tried to put my mind back together. Reinforce it so he could never get back inside my head. Taught me how to mask my injuries. Helped me escape. You asked me why I trust Snape? He saved whatever was left of me, whatever you know who hadn't killed."

Authors Note: I hope this made sense. I went with it. My plan all along was to reveal Draco had been imperiused to kill. But even in a world where one can wield a wand, there is a choice to be made. Draco has made the choice to rid his world of Voldemort and his followers. Yes he wants revenge and it might not be what the trio want, it's not their mission, but it's Draco's and part of that is also helping the order. Helping Harry. I don't want to imply that killing is right, but Draco has made his choice regardless of the morality of it.