TITLE- MY EVERYTHING

SUMMARY- Set after 5x01, how Kensi was feeling after what happened in the episode. Slightly out of character.

Rated- K

Kensi's POV

It has been a bad day—a very long, bad day. I had just dropped Deeks home and I so badly wanted to go in, stay with him, tell him what I wanted to say in the bullpen, but I didn't because he wanted to be alone. He said he needed to be alone and I wish I didn't understand what he was going through. But—my bad luck—I do. As much as I hate it I know what he was doing and why. He thinks staying alone will make him feel better, if he gives himself time then it would heal and everything will be okay but it won't and I know it. No matter how long he stays alone, no matter how much time he gives himself for sorting things out, it won't change. They only way is to talk and that's what I want now—to talk about this. I know I'm not the best person with communication but I know how serious this issue is and right now he needs to talk to someone and I want it to be me.

I need to tell him how I felt when he kissed me, how I felt when I found out he was missing, when I…I saw him in the body shop…

The look on his face, when I touched him in the body shop for the first time and he thought I was going to hurt him and jerked back, ripped me into pieces.

That was enough to kill, but then in the hospital, he wouldn't look at me—why? Did he think I would think less of him? He should know no matter what I would never think less of him…I…

God, why is everything so complicated?

That's why I'm here, a few blocks ahead of Deeks's house, trying to figure out where to go.

I can't go to Callen's or Sam's house and not even to Eric's. Deeks doesn't want to talk, but I can talk to Nell. She'd understand, but she left with Eric and I don't want to drag her into the mess called my brain.

So my last option is my mom because I know I'm not going home. I can't be alone tonight. I just can't.

I think for few more seconds, weigh pros and cons about going to mom's, but pros win and I head towards her house.

Mom lives in the same house she used to live in, saying because its closer to mine—just fifteen minutes. It's even closer to Deeks's; the nine minute drive takes just five tonight.

I ring the bell and wait for her to open it. I find myself going back to the day two years ago when I was standing here, and I realize how different the situation is. That time I was here because I want to talk to my mom after 15 years, and now I just want to talk to her or just stay with her because I need her.

Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, and that's the exact moment when my mom opens the door. I look at my mom, and she notices the tears in my eyes and asks, "What's wrong, honey?" And I don't know what to say so I just cross the threshold and hug her. She closes the door while hugging me and hugs me back tightly.

This hits me like stabbing, that this was what I wanted. I wanted to be in Deeks's arms, to cry on his shoulder and to lend him my shoulder to cry on.

I want him so badly.

My mum rubs my back and then she says, "Everything is going to be fine, Kens, everything's going to be fine."

Those words kill me that night. What I should have done. I should have hugged and told him those words the same way he did two years back. It just hit me what I should have done and I didn't and I just can't control myself. Not anymore. I was crying first but now I'm sobbing.

I've stayed in control and this is what it's cost me. I just lost it.

I just stand there crying for a few minutes hugging and holding her as if my life depends on it.

She doesn't say anything else, just stands there with me rubbing my back, and most importantly, she just doesn't ask anything.

After what feels like an eternity to me, I pull away from her. All she does is rub my tears and tell me, "The bed upstairs is made. Go and sleep, we'll talk tomorrow. You need sleep, honey. Go, I'll bring you some water."

I do as she says and lay down, before she comes to inside tucks me in like I'm still six and kisses on my head and says, "Good night, sweetie, forget about everything—just go to sleep. I'm in the next room if you need anything."

A tear falls from the corner of my eye and she wipes it away. I let sleep consume me so that I can fight with my demons there.

I'm back in the body shop. I go in and see him in the chair tied and spitting blood. I go near him and shake him, but instead of waking up, he doesn't. He doesn't move, and then I notice the bullet hole in his chest. He's shot—no, he can't be. He can't. I shake him but he doesn't move, I cry out his name and shake him more but everything is in vain. He's gone. No he can't, he can't leave me. I can't lose him. He promised me. I…Deeks…

I hear someone calling my name and I feel shaken. I hear my name again and recognize it's a female voice, but I focus on him. I can still see him, he's not moving, please God make him move. I want him back. Please give me my Deeks back.

I hear my name again and it's louder now. I feel like he's going away from me and then he's no longer with me. I can't see him anymore and then I start sobbing again. He's gone. I lost him.

I jerk up and suddenly realize what happened. The voice calling me was my mom's. She is kneeling near my bed and from the look on her face she's terrified. I feel tears on my cheeks and I look at clock. It's three in the morning. God, it was a nightmare, and one hell of one. He's alive, he's okay, I tell myself. He's alive, and he'll be okay.

Mom hands me a glass of water and sits next to me. We sit for a few seconds and I know she's hoping I'll start talking but I can't. I just can't form words. I can't say them out loud.

She stays for a while, but when she accepts I won't talk, starts to leave.

I need to do this, I need to talk, and so I say, "I lost him, Mom, I lost my best friend, I lost my everything". A tear rolls down my cheek, and saying it out loud makes everything more real.

She doesn't ask who I am talking about because of course she knows it's him, she knows it Deeks. She knows with me it's always Deeks.

"Oh, honey," she says, and comes closer to hug me. I can't believe how comforting moms' hugs can be. "Is he…?" she asks, though she doesn't have the guts to frame that sentence.

I say, "He's alive, he's alive." I don't know who I'm trying to reassure, her or me. More myself, I think. Mom sighs. She doesn't ask anything else, and I hug her back tightly.

She rubs my back and I cry more while talking to her...

"He was tortured…"

"I should have been with him, I left him after he…"

"He kissed me. Mom, he kissed me."

We pull away and Mom looks in my eyes. It seems to break her. She says, "It's okay sweetie. He'll be okay." I just nod; I don't know what to say to that.

After few seconds she speaks again, "It's not your fault, honey, you know that?" I nod again because I know it's all Javier's fault, Sidorov's fault, mine too, and everyone else's. We all are responsible for what happened, we all are.

After few more tears, I manage to say, "When we went to body shop, he…he was tied to a chair and was spitting blood. They…they—"

I can't, I can't say it. It's too difficult. I feel more tears pooling in my eyes. My mom is holding my hands and making small patterns with her thumbs.

"They drilled his teeth," I finally manage to say. My mom looks terrified thinking about what those bastards had done to my Deeks.

"He was scared, for the first time in my life Deeks was scared…my goofy, always-chatting partner wasn't able to speak. He was quiet, Mom. He was quiet; they hurt his mouth badly. They hurt him."

And after that, I start sobbing again.

My mom hugs me again and says, "Oh, dear." After few minutes we pull apart again, and I know she's waiting for more. I need to get this out, come on Kensi.

After few deep breaths I say,

"In the hospital, he he…he wouldn't look at me. He was so injured; he needed a doctor and he wouldn't allow them to touch him. He wouldn't look at me—why would he do that? Why?"

"I needed to see him, I need him to be okay. I need him."

"Honey, he didn't think about how much this would hurt you. He has his own mess, baby. He has enough to share," she says in a teary voice.

I know my mom loves Deeks. In a short period, he's become like my mom's extra son she never had. She knows what we mean to each other. She does.

And our routine of hugging and pulling away continues.

After few minutes of pulling away I say, "Mom, he said he wants to be alone. He doesn't want to be with anyone. He thinks if he's alone, he'll heal better, but I know he won't—it'll just hurt him more. He..."

I take few more deep breaths and finally say,

"He said the place he went to in his head to stop the pain was me. He said it and I didn't say anything and now he wants to be alone, Mom. I can't leave him alone but I can't go against what he wants. I didn't say anything to him. I just didn't."

And I start sobbing again. I don't know what's hurting me more, Deeks getting tortured, that he wouldn't look at me, his words, me not saying everything, or just that he's alone right now. On the other hand, everything.

I feel a sting of pain in my heart and I know what it is. I want everything to be normal, I just want Deeks back. I can't see him like this. I hate quiet Deeks. I just want him.

I hug my mom again more tightly then any time before and say, "Please do something, Mom. Please do something. I want Deeks back."

I want my everything back

AN:- So guys what do think about it. Hope you like it.

I have started working on the prompts given to me. Thanks guys. All the reviews made me feel so good. Thank you so much. I'm open to prompts related/non-related to the chapters I have posted.

Next coming up is a prompt sent by ATHENA465. Thank you so much for the prompt. I'll update soon.

Much Love

Nikita.