Author's Note: Some lines in this part were borrowed from the following episodes: The Harvest, Heart of Mine, It's Too Late & It's Too Bad, and The Departure.
Part 15
Kyle leaned back against the door once he was finally inside, feeling along the wall for the light switch and not finding it. He cursed under his breath and shook his head as he tried to recall which side of the room the bachelor's suite was located on. He snorted quietly and took several steps to the right, cracking his shin against something and dropping the trash bag of linens as he hopped around on one foot.
Unfortunately, the snow he had tracked in didn't provide solid traction and when his foot came down on one of the little patches he took a nosedive. The only thing that kept him from a broken nose was the bag of linens. He lay there for a minute, breathing hard and wondering if he should just give it up and sleep on the floor. It might be safer, he thought caustically.
He loved Isabel, he did. She was a great friend and they had become each other's confidants, but he could really do without things like this. After several minutes of contemplating his options he decided that the floor was cold so he collected his bag, got to his feet and carefully located the wall, following it around to the opening where his bed awaited. If she had been rearranging the furniture it meant she was trying to keep her mind off of something she didn't want to deal with.
He ran his hand over the wall just inside the door and frowned when he didn't find a wall switch. "What is with these people and light switches?" he muttered under his breath. He took a couple of steps forward and walked into something. This place is a friggin' obstacle course. He had glanced into the room earlier… twin bed and… well, okay, the room had been dark then too and he hadn't really done much of a survey. Just verified that he at least had a place to sleep.
He backed up to the doorway and crept along the wall, finally locating a nightstand and blindly feeling his way to… he swallowed hard. It was something furry. Short, coarse hair over a stiff body… claws, he realized when he moved his hand higher up and felt them brush his thumb. The thing hadn't moved and he couldn't hear it breathing… what if it was some oversized rat? Stuffed toy, he decided. It had to be.
It has claws, his brain reminded him.
It hasn't moved, he argued silently.
Maybe it's a possum… they can play dead, right? They have claws. We're out in the boonies, who knows what could've gotten inside?
He shook his head at his thoughts. He was standing in a strange room having an internal debate with himself over whether or not he had a rabid animal in hand. "This's stupid. If it was alive it would've bit you by now," he muttered, feeling better at the rational verbalization. He shook his head and was pulling his hand back when something brushed against it. He turned his hand over and grabbed it, immediately realizing it was a string. He tugged on it and the little room was filled with light.
He took a step back and made a face at the lamp. It was made in the shape of a tree trunk with some sort of animal attached to it. He reached out and poked the thing, wondering what it was. Beaver? Woodchuck? Squirrel? Prairie dog? Whatever it was it was disgusting. He shook his head and turned to toss the bag on the bed and nearly smacked right into the upper bunk. He took a step back and stared at his accommodations for the duration of their stay. "Bunk beds," he muttered. "Of course, no wonder you got such a sympathetic look from Edward. I suppose this'll be one time when I can be grateful for bein' vertically challenged."
He hung his coat on the post at the end of the bed and placed the bag on the bottom bunk, shaking his head as he opened it, digging around until he felt the sheets. He stared at the cowboy Mickey Mouse print balefully for several seconds before he shook them out and started to make the top bunk. "18 years old, single and sleeping in a bunk bed on Mickey Mouse sheets," he huffed. "Valenti, you're never gonna get laid."
Kyle pulled the matching comforter out and just shook his head before tossing it on the top bunk and straightening it out. This was just perfect. He stared at the single pillowcase complete with Mickey and his lasso looped around to spell out Howdy! He knew when Julia had supplied them with linens earlier there had been two pillows… and he was certain Isabel was probably curled up with both of them. He threw it on the top bunk and turned to leave his room.
There was just enough light spilling out of the smaller bedroom to keep him from tripping over anything else as he made his way through the living room in search of the bag with his belongings. He finally found it at one end of the loveseat and about the same time located a lamp that he turned on before carrying his bag into his room. He pulled his things out, choosing to just use the top drawer of the child-sized dresser for socks, boxers and undershirts. Jeans and shirts went on top in two neat stacks along with the few personal hygiene items he owned. Deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste, razor and shaving cream, a couple bars of hotel soap, and two little bottles of shampoo he had taken from the last hotel they had stayed in.
He stared at the small bag sitting on the top bunk and he hesitated before carefully unrolling it to look down at the items there. They hadn't know what was coming before graduation so they had agreed to each pack a small bag with clothing and essentials that they would keep readily accessible. A small 3x5 framed photograph of him and his dad taken during the Statewide Junior Rifle Competition. The glass was broken, cracked in two places from the time he had accidentally dropped one corner of the toolbox in the van on top of his bag. He smiled faintly as he picked up his book on meditation but it quickly faded when he saw the edge of another photograph sticking out from between the pages of the book.
He kicked his boots off and hauled himself up onto the top bunk and tried to get comfortable before he settled on his side and flipped the book open to stare down at the photograph. Prom night. The beginning of the end, he thought cynically. Part of him wanted to cut her out of the picture but it wouldn't erase the memories. There was no way to cut her out of the place in his heart that still hadn't completely let go of her.
He pressed the picture to his chest as he laid back and stared up at the ceiling, making a mental note to not sit up too quickly. That's all he needed was a concussion, he thought. His eyes closed and he reached up to rub them as his mind drifted back to Christmas two years ago. Before her true nature had been revealed, before she had taken Alex from them… before he had decided she felt like his sister. His features screwed up in a grimace. He still didn't know where that had come from. Things hadn't felt like that prior to that little revelation; it had come out of left field and it still confused him because he knew before that his thoughts had been decidedly un-brotherly.
He shook his head, not wanting to dwell on those thoughts. His mind wandered, bringing his living room at home into focus. He could easily see him and Dad watching the game and he laughed quietly as he remembered Dad trying to get his Buddha on. There had been a crazy conversation about chairs and Tess going on a rant about cooking for 24 hours while they watched football. He chuckled as he remembered the way Dad had freaked out and acted like a crazy man when Amy had arrived at their front door. Tess had made his favorite augraton potatoes with bacon on the bottom. It had felt like a real Christmas for the first time since before his mom had left them.
His stomach twisted in the familiar knots that always accompanied thoughts of Tess. He hated what she had done, betraying them and killing Alex… making him carry his own friend's body out to his car. His eyes squeezed shut at that memory, wishing he could block it out. How was it possible for her to be the same person who had made him like Christmas again? She had been so warm, so caring, and she had seemed to be settling in and letting go of the whole Max-and-I-are-destined-to-be-together thing. Not even six months later she had done a one-eighty on them and things had just gone downhill from that point on.
Kyle stared at the picture for a moment before shoving it back between the pages of the book and putting it and the framed photograph in the bag and wrapping it up. He wished it were as simple as hating her for every bad thing she had done but it wasn't that easy. He felt restless now and he swung his legs over the side and dropped down to the floor, taking the bag and shoving it in the dresser drawer under his socks.
He turned the light off and wandered out into the living area, glancing into the kitchen and deciding to make a pot of coffee. It was ridiculous, he thought. He finally had room to move around freely, a room of his own, and he felt lonely, like something was missing.
While he was waiting for the coffee he turned the television on and ran through the channels, frowning when he landed back on the first channel after just seconds. He left it on the weather channel and went back to pull a mug down, sitting it on the counter and wondering if there was any sugar. He checked the cabinets and reached for what he assumed was a pantry, not expecting it when a blur of red flew at him. His arm shot up and he batted the thing away, taking a step towards it when it landed on the floor and slid to finally settle in the corner.
A smile crossed his face when he saw what it was. He had a feeling Isabel had stashed the thing in the closet. She hated clowns. He smirked as he picked it up, shaking it off and holding it up to look at it. He glanced over at his room, thinking about bunk beds, Mickey Mouse sheets, no pillow, rearranged furniture and the sizable bruise on his shin. "Me an' you, we might just have some fun with Isabel," he said as he put it back into what turned out to be a broom closet.
He filled the mug with coffee and made a face at the bitter taste as he walked back into the living area. Just before sitting down he remembered the cookies Julia had given him and he detoured to his room to dig them out of his coat pocket. He settled down on the loveseat and propped his feet up on the coffee table, sighing in aggravation when the leaf reacted by drooping slightly. He frowned and shifted to the side so that his feet were in the middle of the table.
As he watched the weather report and took in just how much snow they were predicting he wondered if they would even get a chance to get out and check on the van the next day. He got up adjust the heat and went to grab his blanket when he realized the room felt cool. He was staring sightlessly at the television and listening to the weather report once again when movement caught his attention and he raised his head to see Isabel watching him blearily.
"Not one word about Mickey," he warned.
She shrugged and joined him on the loveseat, grateful for his company. She curled up on the opposite side and rested her head on the arm. After a moment he wordlessly reached out, offering her a corner of the blanket. Isabel smiled and pulled the cover over herself, wiggling around to get comfortable. Her feet landed in his lap and without a second thought he shifted to accommodate her, finally feeling like things were right.
They watched the weather in companionable silence until they drifted off to sleep, curled up in positions that should have been completely uncomfortable but weren't.
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It was the absolute silence that pulled Max from a dreamless sleep. Since leaving Roswell he had grown accustomed to the sounds the van made as they drove over the pitted back roads, the sound of Kyle's snoring or arguing with Isabel over which of them was taking up the most room on the bench seat they usually shared, even the sound of Michael and Maria bickering over everything and nothing. He no longer knew what it was like to sleep through a night without one or more of those noises creating a chaotic lullaby.
The noise was often a source of contention, but it was an aggravation that over time they had learned to deal with. But it had become something more for him. It had become a shield against thoughts and memories he didn't want to face. It provided a solace of sorts, allowing him to avoid dealing with the barrage of mistakes he had made over the past couple of years. He came up on one elbow to look down at Liz, sleeping soundlessly but not peacefully. Her forehead was furrowed, pulling her eyebrows down into a deep frown.
He reached over to gently run his thumb over the frown lines, wishing that he could ease the thoughts that created them night after night. He might be able to help if he at least knew what had put them there. There were too many possibilities for him to even hope to narrow it down though and he sighed when she shifted over onto her side, facing away from him.
How many times had he nearly lost her? How many times had he selfishly followed his own path without seeing the damage he was creating? Liar! His conscience screamed at him. You knew what you were doing! You can lie to everyone else but you know the truth. He reached up to rub his temples, trying to push the memories as far away as possible. He could fight them back most of the time, but he was surrounded by silence, preventing him from blocking out the thoughts. There was nothing to occupy his mind and voices from the past were battering at his conscience, pushing to get out.
He eased out of bed and pulled his jeans on, hurrying to the bathroom and closing the door to lean back against it. He drew in deep lungfuls of air, trying to focus on the sound of his own breathing but it wasn't loud enough to provide the needed barrier. He could still remember her practically begging him to let her go, to put an end to the pain he was responsible for. He leaned forward and braced his hands on his knees as the squeezed his eyes shut against the memory of prom night. She had told him she had seen him with Tess and he had quickly jumped in to explain himself, telling her that it had simply been more exploration into who he was and where he came from.
"I know, I know, you know, you keep saying that, but you um, keep on leaving out this really pertinent fact. That you were married to her. I feel like my whole life for the past year has been waiting for some really bad news. Oh, you know, by the way Liz, I remember Tess, and I love her. It's really paralyzing."
"I know it's not easy."
He shook his head. He had selfishly expected her to be there, waiting for him when he finished messing around with Tess. She had suggested at that point that they let go, she had admitted that she was hurting, and he hadn't been able to speak beyond saying her name.
They had been hit with Alex's death soon after and he had blown it with her. Her investigation into what was believed to be a suicide had the potential of drawing the wrong kind of attention to them and he had lost it. He shook his head at the memory of what he had done to his sister, the way he had ruthlessly crushed her when she had just wanted to get away after Alex's death. Hot on the heels of that fight he had come upon Liz, packed bags at her feet as she sat on a fence.
He had pulled over and gotten into a huge fight with her over that, demanding she get in the jeep, ordering her around like she was one of his subjects instead of the girl he loved. He had refused to listen to her theories where Alex's death was concerned but he had expected her to fall in line and simply obey him because he had ordered her to do so. He had reacted by throwing the responsibility for everyone's safety on her shoulders, accusing her of putting them at risk and when she had insisted that her responsibility included Alex he had said something that haunted him to this day.
"Liz, if you go, our friendship is over."
"I guess that's the price I have to pay."
He shook his head against that memory, still unable to believe that he had said that to her. For the longest time he had blamed so many of his choices on her sleeping with Kyle, using it as an excuse to pursue things with Tess. How could he have been so stupid? Why had he allowed things to get to that point? Why had he not fought harder for her? He could remember their conversation on the street in Copper Summit. He had demanded the truth from her, insisting that she owed him an explanation and then accusing her of hiding something from him. Her response had silenced him.
"You know, you have got me up on this pedestal, Max, and… I'm not this perfect person. I made a mistake. Look, Kyle and I made love. The end. I'm sorry.
He had done nothing but walk away. He hated himself for not pushing harder. At every other turn he had pushed mindlessly ahead, paying no attention to who he was hurting. But when it had come to this he had faltered, he hadn't given it his all and he had used her and the situation as a scapegoat. It was on the drive back from Las Cruces when he had pulled over and spilled the truth about Tess, getting her pregnant, and their impending departure that it had come out. That entire conversation still haunted him.
"You can't just leave us with a killer out there."
"I don't have a choice!"
He'd had a choice, even then. His son had been a factor, of course, but he had chosen Tess and been willing to leave the woman he loved without protection, knowing there was a killer on the loose. A killer who had already taken one of them. He felt the guilt eating at his soul, chewing further into it at everything that could have happened after leaving them there alone and defenseless. She hadn't held back, throwing the obvious accusation in his face.
"Not anymore, but you did and then you got Tess pregnant!"
"I know you're upset."
Even now he cringed at his own words to her. How thoughtless and condescending could one person be? She had shaken her head at him and started to yell.
"I – I trusted you, I gave you everything. I jumped off bridges for you, I broke laws for you, I risked getting shot for you, I trusted you! And you go off – God, with Tess – God, I saved myself for you!"
"Saved yourself? You slept with Kyle!"
"Take me home."
Later, sitting outside the Crashdown after giving her the pendant that he was still surprised she hadn't flung into his face he had looked at her and asked a question that he already knew the answer to.
"Liz, you never slept with Kyle, did you?"
She hadn't spoken, but she had shaken her head, confirming what he had known.
In the granolith chamber he had been shocked by Michael's decision to stay. Deep down he had been jealous of his willingness to follow his heart and stay for the girl he loved. He had been relieved when Isabel had said she was going and looking back at it now he knew it was only because Alex had been taken from her just as she had really started to accept her feelings for him. After everything he had threatened her with he hadn't deserved her decision to accompany him regardless of the reason.
His heart and mind had been at war as Tess had opened her mouth to divert their attention to how little time they had. He had watched Michael walk away, wondering how he had become the stronger one and resenting Tess for coming in and ruining everything. That's right, Evans, keep placing the blame everywhere but on your own shoulders, his mind taunted. If it weren't for Michael turning back and Liz's dogged determination to prove Alex hadn't committed suicide the truth would never have come out.
His heart had stopped in his chest when she had suddenly appeared in the chamber and he had found it so easy to believe her when she accused Tess of murdering Alex. He hadn't wanted to go, had been scared of what awaited them on that other planet, and when Liz had hurled the accusation and Kyle had backed her up there had only been proof in the form of his recall of being mindwarped. It hadn't been solid proof but he had jumped on it, grabbing onto what felt like a lifeline as he turned on Tess.
He had screamed at her, had even felt the desire to wipe out her existence as she discounted his feelings for Liz and revealed her true intentions. He had been relieved to not have to go, relieved to blame Tess and not have to face the truth about what a coward he was and he had directed every bit of anger and self-loathing he felt into his voice as he had stalked her around the chamber, getting in her face and letting his failures fuel his temper. He had let her go for his son's sake, let her go so he wouldn't have to deal with her, and he had gone to Liz.
She shouldn't have allowed you back into her life so easily. If she thought she had broken laws for him before… He rubbed the bridge of his nose as he remembered their senior year. She had gone along with him in his quest to find his son and gotten into more trouble in a matter of months than she'd gotten into in her whole life. He had enjoyed the freedom of suddenly rebelling against everyone and everything. Neither of them had wanted to face the fallout from his time with Tess or her pretending to sleep with Kyle and it had given them an outlet for all of their anger, hurt, betrayal and frustration with the situation.
After everything he had put her through he didn't deserve her. She had given up everything for him: Her safety, her reputation, her family, her home and her dreams. She had a promising future ahead of her before you came in and took it all away. He looked down at his hand as he thought back to the day he had healed her and set into motion a chain of events that had changed the course of all of their lives. You saved her life and destroyed it all in one day. Of course she came with you. What were her other options? Stay and be captured by your enemies? Be put in a white room and tortured?
He stumbled to the sink and braced his hands on the counter, avoiding his own gaze as he waited for his pounding heart to calm down. He finally turned and walked into the living room, turning the television on and turning the volume up just enough to fill the cabin with background noise. He sighed in relief when the voices began to slip back into their hiding places and he nudged the volume up a bit more so that it would carry over into the bedroom.
He reached out to place the remote back on the coffee table and the light from the television caught his wedding band. He brought his hand up and rubbed it, feeling that knot of tension begin to ease as he remembered the look on her face when she had spoken her vows at the simple wedding ceremony.
That day he had sworn to himself that he would do everything in his power to be the man she needed him to be and to do whatever it took to erase his mistakes. He would make up for every single one of them even if it took his entire life to do it. He took every opportunity to do that but somehow he felt that he had fallen short on that promise. He looked around him, taking in the cabin and thinking about the seclusion it offered from the outside world.
Maybe this was the place that would really give him the chance to make up for some of what he had put her through. His thumb brushed over the band and he smiled as he turned to look at Liz. His wife. He was breathing a little easier as he slid back into bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her. He could fix this, he was sure of it.