Jane wished she could just 'leave it', but...no. Everything played in her mind repeatedly; each time over with more detail and more memories brought back. Maura's lips, her skin, her breath, her hands, the sound of her kisses, the way her body slid so easily against Jane's due to that unbelievably silky smooth dress, the scent of her hair, the texture of her it brushing Jane's face... it all became so vivid and real whenever the detective closed her eyes.
She hated to think of it, but nothing in her mind had ever been this vivid and true to life save when she had nightmares about Hoyt. She shook her head, knowing that if she dwelled too much on that fact, he too would enter her mind and make it so very difficult to remove. It already was hard, just thinking of his name, but nature ran its course and she thought of the nightmares, the fear she felt when she woke up, reaching over for her phone, Maura's voice on the end of the line, the far too long drive over to her best friend's, and finally the overwhelming feeling of safety when Maura opened her door and her arms for Jane.
So now she was back to Maura, and everything wonderful about who she was... even the weird stuff. It felt strange in that moment to have the urge to call Maura so she could feel safe from her own mind, but the same sense of not going to, because it was Maura... or rather Maura's lips, that she needed saving from.
She'd enjoyed the kiss? Yeah, when she thought about it. It was soft... no beard, and Maura was so good at it, but the whole thing just freaked her out because, even if she was gay or bisexual, this was Maura she was talking about. Not just some other random gorgeous woman, this was the gorgeous woman. The one who rambled off facts from her encyclopaedia brain like everyone knew what she was talking about. The one that used to ruin dates with guys by diagnosing them with potentially deadly illnesses. The one who Jane almost lost to the hands of many a serial killer, one she was dating, one who would've done it just to hurt Jane.
To hurt me. She ran through her mind and recounted the files of Hoyt, despite how much she wanted to turn her brain off for the night. Hoyt exacted the most fear by targeting couples. Jane thought back to her birthday at the prison hospital when she was pinned down and Hoyt was hovering over a Tasered Maura holding a scalpel to her perfect throat. Jane remembered the immediate sting in her eyes from tears when she saw blood seep from the cut on Maura's neck.
He knew it would hurt me. Jane stood up from her chip covered couch and walked slowly to the front door. She glanced back over her shoulder to see the mess she'd made with her 'dinner', smirking at the thought of Maura saying how much of a non-dinner dinner it really was, before grabbing her gun and keys and opening the door.
Because Maura's mine.
Maura sat at her kitchen counter, a glass of red wine sitting in front of her. She ran her finger around its base and stared blankly ahead. She tried to ask herself questions in her head like 'why did I do this?' or 'what was I thinking?' but not even her mind felt like working properly. Every time she thought of the kiss, it gave her tingles and a strange sense of warmth and bitter cold at the same time.
If it was all about her, she would be skipping around the room singing some song from a romantic comedy, but it wasn't all about her. Jane was there and Jane was the one that she cared about... that she loved. She made Jane uncomfortable and no amount of sarcasm from the witty detective was going to ever cover up what happened and how shocked she was.
Maura took what could easily have been her hundredth deep breath after the incident to try and calm herself down, and still to no avail. She just wanted to make sure Jane was ok, but she didn't want to crowd her, so every time she reached for her phone, she'd walk around her house for a few minutes. The urge to call or even text Jane was so strong, she felt like she was going through withdrawal.
Maura reached for the phone, but didn't pick it up. She just hovered her itching fingers over it. Her fingers kept twitching, wanting to just pick it up. Just do it! She sighed her surrender and picked up her phone. She started typing but froze after 'I'm sorry'.
What else do I say? That I didn't mean to do it? But I did. I meant to. I wanted to... I want to. Maura's train of thought was disrupted by what she thought was Bass moving around the kitchen. She slid off her stool and moved around to Bass who was still in the same place that he was when she fed him dinner. She straightened up with a confused look on her face.
The noise came again. She turned to her front door, knowing it came from that direction, but also knowing that it certainly didn't sound like a knock. It was more like a bump and a series of shuffling movements. Maura carefully made her way to the door, trying not to make any noise. She had a feeling of what, or rather who was on the other side, and so she didn't want to startle them.
When she got close enough, she peered out of the small glass panels beside the door and saw her. Jane was sitting against the door her elbows on her bent knees and her head in her hands. Maura's breath steamed up the glass, blocking her vision of Jane.
She stepped back slowly, a tear creeping out of the corner of her eye. Somehow not seeing Jane's face and not knowing what was etched upon it was a million times worse than actually seeing the pain on it. Maura stared at her feet as she walked back past Bass to the back door. She unlocked it and opened it. She stepped out in her bare feet, the cool night air making them go numb almost immediately.
The door gently closed behind her and she walked around to the front of her house. She pulled the sleeves of her sweater down as the evening's bite reached her bones. As she rounded the corner to see Jane, her Jane, in a pile of emotional mess against her front door, too afraid to even knock, her heart broke even more than it already was.
"Jane," she whispered. Jane picked up her head and strained her eyes to make out a blurry Maura. She sniffled as her cheeks began to burn in the night's cold air. Maura walked over to Jane and knelt down in front of her. She reached for Jane's hands, but the distressed detective pulled away. "Don't, Jane. I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to get you inside and warm you up because if you stay out here, you'll get sick." Jane hesitated, then held her hands out for Maura to grab, and complied all the way back inside.
"Maura," she whispered through her more gravelly than usual voice.
"Yes, Jane?" Maura whispered in return as she sat next to Jane on her couch, a box of tissues in one hand and a blanket draped over her other arm. Jane waited until she had a few tissues in her hand and a warm blanket around her shoulders before answering.
"We're a couple, aren't we?"
"What?!" she responded in a stage whisper. She couldn't really believe that one kiss would make Jane think they were a couple. "Jane, one kiss doesn't make us -"
"No, Maur... Hoyt attacked you because he knew your death would hurt me." Maura frowned in confusion. Jane positioned herself so that she was facing the doctor. "Hoyt picked his victims so that the most fear could be inflicted on each person. He would attack one person while the other watched on... A couple, Maura! He attacked couples. He attacked us. To hurt me, he attacked you, because we're a couple."
"Jane, that doesn't mean we're a couple. That means we're very close. We care about each other; we love each other. And if you were ripped away from me, I wouldn't want to keep living, and I suppose Hoyt thought the same would apply for you." Jane slouched back into the couch's fluffy cushions. "But I don't want you to think about Hoyt now, Jane, or ever, because that part is over. He is dead, and you're alive. I'm alive. He lost, you won, and I kissed you."
Jane sat up straight again. "Maura! Don't!" She stood up, pushing the blanket off her shoulders, and walked ferociously to the front door.
"Jane!"
"No, Maura," she stopped and turned, pointing an accusing finger at Maura. "You don't get to tell me that I'm being irrational about this, and you don't get to tell me that I'm being stupid about this!"
"I'm not!" Jane dropped her finger and stared hard at her best friend. "I'm not saying that you're overreacting or being stupid, I'm not saying anything! I want to talk to you about this. Because it wasn't something that I just felt like doing in that moment. Every time you hold me, I want..." A tear made its way down her cheek. "I want to kiss you. I want to touch you. I want to tell you how much I love you and that every little crazy thing about you makes me happy and that Casey was a dickhead and so were all the other guys that you ever gave the time of day."
"Maura, stop!" Jane turned her back, growling at Maura it sounded like, heading to the door to make a very undignified exit. Maura was hot on her heels, however and as Jane reached for the door knob, Maura grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
"No, you don't get to leave like this!" Jane turned back to face Maura's teary face.
"Yeah, this is my fault!"
"Yeah, it is! You made me fall in love with you! You had to be so perfect and kind to me. Maybe if you'd treated me like everyone else does, we wouldn't be here now!" Maura finished her rant by throwing Jane's arm away from her.
"You... Maura, I'm not your emotional crutch! It's not my fault that I'm me, and I can't stop you from loving me, but you can stop yourself from kissing me, 'cause you just knew it would screw everything up!"
"God, Jane! Yes, I knew it would screw it up, but that doesn't mean I didn't hope that it wouldn't all go so wrong."
Across from Maura's house, sitting on her couch, staring at the open window, Angela heard her daughter and her best friend screaming at each other about love. She always knew theirs was a different friendship, that there was a special kind of love, but for it to all come out in such a hot mess as this was heart breaking.
"I hate you, Maura!"
That's it. Angela pushed off the couch, swung the door open and charged over to Maura's. She marched in until she could see the two women. "Jane Clementine, you do not hate Maura! She is the best thing that has ever happened to you and if you ruin this friendship, so help me!"
"Ma, butt out!" Angela was about to start up her anger again, but a quick glance to a broken Maura stopped her in her tracks. She tried to think of something to say that wouldn't make her daughter scream at her, but she was at a loss, so she just turned and left. Jane turned back to her best friend... the one she just told that she hated because she loved her. Now that she thought about it, it made no sense whatsoever.
"Maura," Jane started up again, but Maura had had enough and so she clamped her hand over Jane's overactive mouth. Jane tried to talk through Maura's delicate hand, but froze when it just clamped tighter, showing her that it wasn't that delicate. Maura looked up into Jane's eyes.
"Stop," she whispered. "Do you really hate me?" Jane shook her head. "Do you love me?" Jane tried to protest but that hand clamped again. "In one way or another, do you love me?" Jane nodded. "Then stop. Stop arguing and hold me." She removed her hand and Jane swallowed hard. She sniffled and then placed her hands on Maura's downcast shoulders. There was a nagging little feeling of fear in her chest that if she went slowly, Maura would surprise her with a kiss. She knew it was stupid, but she still pulled Maura against her quickly just in case.
One arm wrapped around her upper arm and down her back while the other held the doctor's head against her chest. Maura's arms snaked around Jane's waist, her fingers clinging to the baggy jumper that she was wearing. She could feel Jane was tense by the way she was breathing and she couldn't relax if Jane wasn't. "Jane... please..." Jane breathed in deeply, bringing some of Maura's scent with it, immediately easing when it reached her head. She let go of Maura, to which she received a small whine.
She bent her knees and slid her arms under Maura's, burying her tear covered face into Maura's neck. Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and breathed in the brunette's lavender scent just the same. Jane began to back up, but still held onto Maura, making the doctor come with her. When her back hit the wall, Jane began to slide down it. Maura's arms relinquished their hold, one hand moving to Jane's shoulder as the other moved down Jane's back, moving her to the side.
They moved to the ground together then settled; Jane's back against the wall with Maura nestled under her left arm. The blonde's arms were wrapped around Jane's waist, her head resting on the detective's strong chest, the gentle drumming of the brunette's heartbeat making it hard for her to keep her eyes open. Her knees were tucked under Jane's bent one, making them fit together like a puzzle.
A puzzle, indeed.