There's no need to take a stand

For it was I who chose to start

2000:

Joe sighed as he listened to his mother scream beyond his door.

"I hate you! I fucking hate you!"

He could hear his father, calmer than he'd ever seen the man in a situation like this, screaming back, "Sit your goddamn ass down!"

Then, the loud sound of someone being hit. At this point, Joe couldn't be sure who the aggressor was this time. He wished he could risk crossing the hallway to go hide in his brothers' room, but the last time he'd wandered out during one of his parents' fights, he'd ended up with a dislocated shoulder. So instead he threw himself into his schoolwork like he always did and ignored the sound of his mother choking on her latest prescription.

He ran his hand through his hair, making a face at the strands that stress had claimed as they twined in his fingers. He wondered if he should start growing out his hair – try and prevent himself from going bald by the time he was twenty.

He removed his glasses, digging the heels of his palms into his bleary eyes, and sighed. If he didn't have his homework done by the morning, he was sure to have at least another black eye. But he was just so tired from his mother's mood swings, his father's anger, his brothers' fear. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take all of this...

A muffled bzz bzz made him jump in his chair, and he ran to his bed. Tucked away in his pillow case was his secret treasure his father would literally kill him for owning. He flipped open the silver cellphone after a brief pause to make sure his parents were still fighting with each other.

"Hello?" He had to speak softly and he was worried whoever was on the other end wouldn't be able to hear him.

"Good evening, Joe," came the equally soft voice. "How are you today?"

"Hey, Izzy." Joe curled up on his bed. As scared as he was of not finishing his homework, he the insecurity in his friend's usually even voice was worse. "Are you ok?"

"I called in the hopes that you would have a sufficient response to my inquiry..."

"What happened?" Joe flinched at the sound of a plate shattering somewhere in the living room. He'd be yelled at to clean that up soon. "Is everything all right?"

"I, ah, was merely wondering, if... I mean I had hoped to know... Well..."

Joe wasn't sure whether or not to be amused at his normally stoic friend's unsure stammering. "Izzy, whatever you want to ask, I'll gladly answer for you."

"That is a relief," Izzy sighed, filling the line with static. "Joe, back then... When did you realize you were a homosexual?"

Joe gagged, choking on the sudden leap of his stomach and he tried to desperately still his coughing as Izzy cried out on the other end, "I'm sorry! I didn't think that you -"

"N-no!" Joe slapped himself on the chest, worried about kickstarting an asthma attack, and cleared his throat. "D-don't worry about it!" He wheezed to clear his throat, glad his parents were still arguing and ignoring the rest of their family.

"I apologize," Izzy said quickly. "If this is an inappropriate line of questioning, I will refrain from inquiring further..."

"It's not that," Joe clarified. He paused as the arguing stilled, renewing after a moment with another curse and thrown dish. His mother's manic episode sure was lasting a long time, and he was worried about how hard she would crash into her depressive state. Hopefully she wouldn't make another suicide attempt when she came back down. "I just never expected someone like, well, you to ask something like that."

"It came as something of a surprise to me, as well," Izzy admitted softly, as though ducking away from the shadow of his own parents.

"Well, I realized it..." Joe tried to think back, to ignore his mother's screaming threats and his father's enraged hitting. He thought briefly of Matt and felt himself blush all the way to his shoulders. Surely Izzy didn't want to know about that even if Matt didn't seem to think of it so fondly as Joe did. "It was never really a big thing to me, I guess. Everyone else was attracted to girls and I just found myself focusing more on the boys. There was no 'a-ha' moment or fighting with myself – I just was. It wasn't until that day that I really even labeled myself." The silence on the other end told him that wasn't the answer Izzy was expecting. "I'm sorry..."

"No, no," Izzy said quickly. "I find it admirable that you are able to be so secure with yourself with such a delicate matter."

"But it didn't help you, did it?" Joe sighed. Of course it didn't help. His father was right, he wasn't any good to anyone.

"It did," Izzy said gently, with a warmth Joe didn't think he deserved. "It helped me realize these feelings that I thought were new, have always been with me. That I've always felt this way, even when I assumed I couldn't feel anything."

"I'm glad then." Joe felt his lips begin to curve into a smile only for his father's voice to cry out down the hall.

"Goddamnit, Joe! Get in here and help me deal with your mother!"

"I gotta go," Joe said quickly. "Good luck with everything." And with that, he flipped his phone closed, shoving it deep into his pillow case. If he wasn't out in the living room within seconds of his name being called, he would be in big trouble.

He could hear his brothers' door click open, and he could feel one of them watching him as he ran down the hall. But they wouldn't follow him. They hadn't been called.

He swallowed hard, pausing at the end of the hall. He could see his mother, face down on the couch and still. His father stood over her, fists bloody and breathing heavily. Joe hated himself for hoping she was finally dead and free of this terrible place called home.

"Joe, take Joanne to the room," his father spat, not even bothering to look at his child. "Her medication should be completely working by the time she wakes."

"Yes, Father," Joe said, quietly but politely with an overly respectful bow. Anything less would result in another concussion. He waited for the tall man to leave before rushing to the frail woman. Her frizzy blue hair was flecked with blood and as he turned her over, she coughed, spitting out one of her false teeth that had been knocked loose again.

"Mom?" Joe tried to smile, to reassure the drugged woman. "Hey, c'mon, Mom, let's get you to bed."

She blinked heavily, watching as her son reached out to lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. She knew somewhere deep inside was this raging fire desperately trying to get free, but the sudden haze that had come over her was trying to douse it. "Joe...?"

"Yeah, it's me." Joe was relieved. It seemed this prescription let her keep her memories. "Now come on, you remember how to walk, right?"

She reached out, past the outstretched hand and caressed the dark splotch that darkened his cheek. Joe flinched at the gentle touch, grabbing her hand and tugging at her. Slowly, as though remembering how legs were supposed to work, she allowed herself to stand. Joanne leavened heavily on her son's shoulder as he walked her toward the master bedroom. She wanted to say something, to remember what was happening in the world around her, but she couldn't get her lips to move.

Joe laid his mother back down in the bed she was sure to be kicked out of later that night. He pulled the blankets over her, trying to make her as comfortable as he could, wave after wave of guilt filling him. His brothers told him, over and over, that it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't bring himself to believe it.

If his father was right, like he always was, than this was just another one of his own mistakes.

2003:

There it was again, the screaming. The fighting. It was the neverending noise that constantly filled the Kido household. Except this time it was different.

This time, Joanne was already passed out in her bed, strapped down to still her seizures. Her latest prescription had caused an allergic reaction, and Joe had been the one to scrub the half digested pills from the rug in the living room. This time there wasn't the noise of things being thrown, no sound of flesh on flesh.

"I have given you enough time to change your mind," Shou was yelling. His hands were in fists at his sides, a strange place for them to be at a time like this. Usually the knuckles were bloody and bruised by now. "Now I insist that you give up that silly hobby of yours -"

"That 'hobby' is my major!" screamed the voice that had always been so gentle, so comforting. "For God's sake, Dad, I'm nineteen!"

"And that's plenty old enough to realize that running around with an old man, chasing fairy tales, is insane!"

"They're not just fairy tales, Dad," Shuu shot back. "You were there at Big Sight!"

Shou sputtered and Joe flinched on the floor, trying to make sure the vomit didn't stain. It was only a matter of time before there was physical violence again. It just took longer with his brothers, as they were more likely to fight back. "Th-that was nothing more than a mass panic! You can't expect me to believe that a vampire tried to destroy Japan."

"And about about last year? Or even a few months ago?" Shin insisted. He was more awake than he'd ever been in his life, and he stepped between Joe and his arguing brother. "When all those Digimon were all over the world? Hell, you can still see BlackWarGreymon's shadow in the sky! Or even when Diaboromon was at the Rainbow Bridge? You can't just ignore all these things, Dad, and pretend everyone else has, too!"

"Do not raise your voice at me!" Shou screamed. "As long as both of you are under my roof, you will not disrespect me!" There was a knocking at the door. "Goddamnit, Joe! Get that!"

Joe flinched and stumbled over himself as he ran for the door. His father may have been more hesitant to hit his brothers, but Joe was smaller, weaker. He reached the door, an unspoken truce calming the arguing in the living room as he cracked it open. There was a young woman standing nervously in the hallway. Joe peeked out with the eye that hadn't been blackened, asking softly, "How can I help you ma'am?"

"Oh, ah..." She tried to smile. "Good afternoon. I'm from down the hall, and I was just wondering if everything was all right in here...?"

"We're fine. The TV's just a bit loud – my mom was doing dishes and we couldn't hear over it." Joe bowed, the usual lie placating the sweet young thing. "I apologize, and I'll turn it down."

"It's no trouble," the woman giggled. Joe had realized long ago it was easier for people to accept the lies than the truth. It kept them from becoming involved, becoming responsible for whatever would happen later. "Just keep an eye on the volume next time, ok?"

Joe smiled, the expression painful, and closed the door. There was barely a moment's silence before Shou began again, "Look what you little bastards did now!"

"We didn't do anything!" Shuu raged back.

"Look, can't we just calm down?" Joe pleaded, returning to the war zone. "Or at least lower the volume?" He knew there would be no second visit from the neighbor. Just from the police, and it was much harder to lie to them.

"Joe's right," Shin tried to reason. "We need to calm down, and just think about this, ok?"

Shou fixed a glare on his middle son. But thankfully he didn't raise his fist. Instead, he turned on his heel and stormed to the bedroom. There was a drugged scream as Joanne was ripped from the bed, kicked out of the room into a crumpled heap on the floor.

"Joe, take care of that. Shin, Shuu, to your room."

The older brothers glared at the bedroom door that slammed closed. Joe shoved past them, rushing to his mother, gently shaking her shoulder, making sure she was still alive.

"Let's go, Mom. I'll get the couch all fixed up for you again."

"Let us help," Shin began, but Joe shook his head.

"She's my responsibility, she always has been." The woman was shuddering, the after effects still lingering. Shuu reached out as they passed, steadying his mother so that Joe could make a clean spot for her to lay.

"That just what Dad's always told you."

"Well, he's right, isn't he?" Joe snapped. Joanne whimpered at the loud noise and he gave her an apologetic hug.

"Just because he says it so often, doesn't make it true," Shin insisted. "Mentally ill people stop taking their medication all the time, for all different reasons."

"And I just so happened to be the reason this time." Joe helped his mother lay back, covering her with her usual blanket. She blinked heavily before falling asleep. "She was diagnosed with bipolar after she had you, right Shin?" The middle brother looked away, not wanting to agree, to help his brother in his self hatred. "And you always said she was good about taking her pills. That she was happy, not just there. Then I come along by accident and she stops taking them. How is that not my fault?"

"You know lithium causes birth defects," Shuu said. Their mother was completely passed out and would be until well into the morning. "She was trying to protect you."

"By what? Making herself crazy? Whenever she does take her pills now, they never work! Just because you two don't see it, doesn't make it any less real. You two are starting to sound like Dad!"

Joe turned to storm off, but Shin grabbed his arm. The youngest glared behind his glasses, the pain making his eyes water. "Look, we didn't want to say this in front of Dad, but Shuu and I are leaving."

"L-leaving? Where are you going?"

"We're going to move out," Shuu said. "Me and Jun have been looking at apartments, and we found a place in Koto. It's really nice, far away from here and Dad. Jun was going to have her own room, but if you want to go with us, I can talk her into staying in mine and letting you have it."

"M-move out?" Joe yelped, quickly being shushed.

"Dad can't know," Shin insisted. "He's already pissed at us, God knows what he'd do. And we don't have it yet – there's a thirty day waiting period before we can move in." He smiled at his younger brother. "C'mon, Joe. Come with us."

"But... But what about Mom?" Joe bit his lip.

"She's good at staying out of Dad's way," Shin said. "Especially when she's medicated. Besides, he'll probably have her committed after a day on his own, anyway."

"I... I..."

"Joe," Shuu pleaded. "It's not healthy here for you. Dad doesn't give a shit, he's going to kill you one day, and you know it!"

Joe shook his head, covering his ears. "Tomorrow," he begged. "Let me think until tomorrow, ok?"

Each of his brothers hugged him tightly, desperately. They ruffled his hair as though nothing had happened and gave him their usual sad smiles. "Ok. Let us know tomorrow."

Joe tore himself away, retreating to his room and collapsing on his bed. His cell phone dug into his cheek and he contemplated calling someone, anyone, to open a Digital Gate so he could find the comfort of Gomamon's silky fur and sharp wit. But instead, he curled into himself, trying to convince himself his brothers were wrong, that is really was his fault that his mother was messed up.

After all, if he couldn't blame himself, who could he blame?

Early the next day, before Joe's alarm went off, there was a sharp knock on his door. Shou's voice, loud and stern as always, came through the wood, "You're staying home from school today. Your mother is in my room, recovering from her illness."

And then the familiar sound of the deadbolt on the outside of his door sliding home. There was no such lock on the inside, nothing to keep anyone out. Just to keep Joe in. Even before, long before Myotsimon, Shou had welded Joe's window shut to prevent any "troubled teenage escapes".

Joe just blinked sleepily at the noise, used to it. He'd been locked in his room often enough, especially when his father thought he was becoming too strong willed. That backbone he'd developed during Spiral Mountain had crumbled quickly.

So with Shou at work, Shuu at his University, Shin at med school, and Joanne equally caged, Joe rolled out of bed. Without the ability to go to school, he would be expected to complete the next three nights' homework or risk being called out as lazy and stupid. He stretched and winced at the pain in his face, the stench of vomit still on his hands. If he finished his work soon enough, he could call one of the other Children when they got out of school.

Around noon, he could hear an odd noise, the banging and crashing of the front door being opened and shut repeatedly. But his mother wasn't screaming, so burglar, if it was indeed, hadn't thought to raid the master bedroom.

Still the hours passed uneventfully. When he tried to call any of the Children, his phone merely beeped at him "No signal" and he made a face at it. He wished he could risk upgrading the thing to something better, but he was already having trouble keeping this one secret. He tried to open his door a few times, seeing if maybe the bolt hadn't been secured properly and he could sneak out to eat or go to the bathroom, but it was steadfast in its singular duty. So he spent his time rolling on his bed, double- triple- quadruple-checking his work, wondering what his brothers would say to him if they knew, when he told them.

He wasn't going to leave. Despite their reassurances, he knew deep in his heart his mother's illness was his sin to bear. He thought briefly of that time in the Digital World, at the Diner when Tai came back, before Matt revealed his true intentions to Joe (or lack thereof).

He wasn't going to leave the restaurant, he remembered thinking. He'd only gone out on the step to see what the commotion was, and then to say goodbye to the blonde who had been his lover for three months. The same responsibility that bound him to his mother had bound him to Digitamamon, and though it broke his heart, he couldn't leave before his debts were paid.

And his debt to Joanne for his very existence wasn't something he could ever repay.

So he would do the same thing here in the real world. He would stand beside his sick mother, next to his father, whose abuse he could only see as fitting punishment for making his wife so ill, and tell his brothers goodbye. Goodbye and good luck with their own lives he would never get the chance to experience for himself.

Except...

Except they never made it home.

It was late at night, when Joe was certain he was about to explode with the need to go to the bathroom, when Shou finally unlocked the deadbolt. The man looked at his thin, frail son, and said simply, "Your brothers are gone."

There was a devastating moment where Joe heard the unspoken words. That there had been an accident, that they had been taken, even that they'd jumped in front of a train together. His knees were weak and he began to collapse on his bed when Shou continued.

"I heard last night that they were going to leave. So I changed the locks today and told the landlord that they were no longer welcome here." Shou nodded to himself, as though it were normal to kick out two sons in one day. "As long as you're still here, you'll be under my rule. I won't tolerate disobedience like I did with those two for so long." He yawned suddenly, calmly. "I've had a long day, so make dinner quickly, Joe."

"Y-yes, sir," Joe breathed.

He had really hoped to say goodbye.