Recommended companion reading for this chapter: "Bubbly" ch. 4.
Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
Then slowly turn away from me
2004:
The days passed quick enough. Nana continued to drag him away, lunch after lunch. They met Shinjiro on the roof, in the courtyard, even at the cafe down the street as the school left the gates open for the hour-long lunch. There was no talk of the Digital World, of the bruising that kept showing up on his arms and neck, of anything important. Just idle chatter to fill the time as the spring days grew warmer.
"Here we go," Nana chirped happily. They were in the courtyard that afternoon as the young woman passed out the three obento she'd made. Joe thought he felt someone's eyes on him, boring into his shoulder blades, but when he turned there was noone there. "Completely vegan. Well, almost. I bought this stuff the other day, 'Nay-onnaise' I think it's called? It's supposed to be mayonnaise without eggs, but I think it tastes like athlete's foot, so I used the real stuff."
Joe and Shinjiro just smiled, the simple smiles that they wore the days she made lunch. Nana always had some story of her culinary escapades, about some ingredient she had to replace or track down. Joe's favorite story was her trying to find a vegan alternative to octopus that wasn't expensive or tasted like plastic. In fact, it was the one she was currently telling.
"... so then I go down to the Lawson's – you know, the one over by OSA-P? And the guy there tells me that they don't make fake octopus. Like, at all. And I know he's yanking me because I bought some last week. It wasn't very good, mind you two, but it existed. And some, some... produce jockey tells me I was imagining it." Nana pouted, jabbing at her spicy-mayonnaise tofu. "I wasn't imagining it..."
"Of course not, dear," Shinjiro said with a playfully-condescending pat on her wrist. She stuck her tongue out at him as Joe laughed.
Sometimes, the simple stuff, the idle stuff, that was what he needed to get through.
"Don't forget," Nana warned, turning to Joe with that same pout, that same mirth dancing behind her glasses. "It's your turn tomorrow to bring the bento. And don't give us any of that 'I don't have time' junk, I know plenty of spells to help speed you up in the mornings."
"All I need is coffee," Joe said. And to sleep at night instead of listening to my mother trying to break out all night.
"I miss coffee," Nana sighed wistfully. "It's so expensive to buy the all-organic stuff. Can you believe that Starbucks is cheaper than that mess?" She grabbed her last apple rabbit and set her bento box aside. She played with the long, red ears before crunching its head off. She chewed thoughtfully, Shinjiro reaching over to adjust the butterfly clip in her hair as he helped Joe cram for his test next period.
"Hey," she said suddenly, swallowing her apple. "I think that boy out there is looking at you, Joe."
Joe choked on his last bit of tofu, pounding his chest to get it down without starting an asthma attack as Nana pointed to the gates. Sure enough, standing just outside the school property was a redhead in a dirty green uniform with sad, black eyes. Had he been the one staring? Couldn't have been, he assured himself. He'd had the feeling of being watched for days now.
"Th-that's Izzy," he yelped, brain finally catching up with him.
"He's one of your Chosen friends, isn't he?" Shinjiro asked as Nana watched the redhead pace uncomfortably.
"He's supposed to be in school right now..." Joe murmured to himself as he stood. "H-hey, I gotta..."
"Go, go," Nana shooed. "He looks like he needs a friend."
Joe gave her a distracted smile, more concerned with his just what Izzy was doing outside his school. Odiaba Middle School didn't get out for hours and he'd never known the redhead to skip classes – not even for the Digital World! He hurried over to the gate, flagging down Izzy with a wave. Up close, he could see the dirt that stained his white shirt, the tears in his jacket like he'd run through a rosebush to get to Merston High. Even his tie was undone, hanging limply against his chest.
"You ok?" he asked as he approached. He saw Izzy's eyes flicker over his glasses, and knew he was looking at his bruising. It had only been a few days ago his father had blackened both his eyes for mentioning Shin at the dinner table. He rushed forward before anything could be said, "I didn't know the middle school was getting out early today."
Izzy swallowed hard, biting his lip and frowning, and Joe felt even more concerned. As little as anyone spoke of his injuries, it was even less than that that Izzy showed such emotions. He looked like he was groping for words, finally casting his eyes downward and saying softly, "I was hoping to converse with you..."
"No problem," Joe told him with as comforting a smile he could manage. His eyes still hurt a little. "I still have a few minutes left of lunch." He turned to wave at Nana and Shinjiro who were watching them intently as he directed Izzy to one of the benches just outside the gate. He looked around curiously. "Is anyone else here with you?"
"To be perfectly honest," Izzy admitted with a touch of shame in his voice, "Odiaba Middle School is still in session. I was feeling ill and decided the best course of action would be to go home."
Joe almost laughed and hated himself for it. Izzy had never learned to lie, even being around Tai so much. He couldn't stop himself from reaching out, dusting the leaves and dirt from Izzy's hair. He used to think Izzy was cute, way back when he was trying to convince himself that it wasn't just Matt he was attracted to. He still thought Izzy was cute, though he was absolutely dedicated to the blonde, unrequited as his feelings were.
"And yet," Joe said with a smile, "You ended up going the wrong way? After rolling in the dirt?"
Izzy blushed, eyes focused firmly on his lap. The only time Joe had known the redhead to have been this nervous was when he called so long ago, asking about his own feelings. Had Izzy found a boy to crush on?
Or, worse, had he been found out? Joe could never let his father find out he was gay – that would be the end of his life and all his bones. Shou already had Joe's whole life planned out, from his wedding day to the day his child would be born, and anything to derail those plans would be met with even more punishment. But Izzy's parents were so nice, he couldn't believe that they would do anything that terrible...
"How do you do it?" Izzy asked, voice barely above a whisper. "How do you live like this?"
"Like what?" Joe asked, finally pulled from his thoughts.
"With this..." Izzy reached for the right words, struggling to breach that wall he'd built up between himself and his emotions. His eyes flicked to Joe, shimmering with tears. "This burning and longing, knowing you can never have him?"
Joe blushed, thoughts racing. He'd never told a soul about what had happened all those years ago; he'd never let on what he'd done those hot, Digital nights when he'd been trapped with the most beautiful boy for months; he'd never let it slip those horrifying secrets whispered just above the sound of a boiler, the fears and doubts sobbed into his touch when they finished. He'd promised. He'd promised that noone would know. So how did Izzy...?
He'd always watched, hidden behind his laptop, never letting on that he was actually interested in the goings of the other Children. He's always been the one to observe, finding the hidden details through close inspection.
"I thought I had hidden it better than that," Joe admitted. "Then again, you always see more than you let on." Even if Izzy did know, he would never say a word. He smiled, his own emotions he thought he'd stamped down suddenly flooding him. Every unsure smile, every hesitant touch, every gentle cry of passion quickly muffled before the Digimon could ask what they were doing. He could feel the ache in his chest as he thought of their parting, of Matt denying their relationship in front of his brother, in front of Tai. He had thought that maybe, possibly he was just shy in front of the others, shy like he'd always been, but...
Even after returning from the Digital World, he'd stayed away. He'd never once approached, attempted to reconnect. Obviously their time together had meant nothing, had been just a fling in the blonde's eyes.
He could feel Izzy trembling next to him, hear the hitch of his breath that betrayed the tears brimming in his eyes. He folded his hands in his lap, feeling his glasses slide down the bridge of his bruised nose.
"It's terrible, isn't it?" he whispered to himself, to Izzy, to Matt... "Trying to stay friends without him knowing? Making sure that nothing slips? To try and find happiness in fleeting moments he'll never see in the same light as you?"
"What can I do about it?" Izzy asked, voice trembling. Joe looked over, empathy overflowing. He wished desperately he could help the poor boy though the same crisis he lived every day. "I never wanted my life to be ruled by my emotions – they're such fickle things."
"There's only two things you can do when it gets this bad," Joe told him, looking deep into himself. He recalled every late night phone call, every hushed conversation he'd dared to share with the blonde he still loved. "You can either stay as you are now: stamping down every flare of joy you get when you see him, pretending that any attention from him didn't just make your day a hundred times better, holding back until you cant take it anymore and you scream 'I love you' into your pillow over and over so you don't slip up and say it to his face and destroy any chance at staying friends, or..."
Joe took a shuddering breath, finally remembering that Izzy was there as the redhead asked softly, unsurely, "Or..."
Joe looked inside, searching for the courage that he didn't have inside. "Or you can confess." It sounded so simple, so easy to do. It would be so simple to walk up to Matt and tell him how deeply he felt, how desperately he wanted to go back to that time and continue to be the only boy in his eyes.
But he knew...
That Christmas, when he walked away with Sora...
He swallowed hard, forcing himself to drive the point home to his equally lonely friend, "Tell him how you feel and know for a fact how he feels."
"I can't do that!" Izzy cried, the pain in his voice cracking Joe's heart. Tears were falling unnoticed down his cheeks. "I know he's heterosexual – I've seen him on too many dates. The only thing confessing will do is break my heart and destroy any chance I have at staying close to him."
Joe couldn't take that pain he knew so well and reached out, pulling Izzy close.
"Why does it have to be this way?" Izzy whispered into Joe's side. "Why can't I just like you? We know each others preferences, we're friends, and we get along just fine. How can that be love and yet not be this strong?"
Joe rested his head on top of Izzy's, trying to fight away the blush that was creeping down to his shoulders. How had Izzy known about that brief crush? He heard himself speaking softly, admitting, "Even if we did hook up, would you want to be without that feeling forever? That intense warmth and joy?"
"I don't know how much longer I can take this..." Izzy said, swallowing a sob.
Joe hated the sudden thought. The one that told him that Izzy was even shyer than he was, that he would never confess to that mystery boy. The one that said he would always have a companion in his misery.
"Whatever happens," he said, trying to keep the guilt from his voice, "just know I'm here, ok?"
The bell signaling the end of lunch rang, and as much as Joe hated having to leave his distressed friend, he couldn't let word get back to his father that he was so much as late back to class. He gave Izzy a tight squeeze to let him know he wasn't alone and hurried back to Nana and Shinjiro just as the gates closed behind him.
"Is he ok?" Nana asked, almost on the verge of tears. She always called herself an "empath", but Joe just called her "kind-hearted".
"I... don't know," Joe said honestly, shaking his head. "Maybe eventually."
Nana looked through the gate where Izzy continued to linger, and gave him a small wave and the sweetest smile she could. As he finally turned away, Nana murmured, "Good luck..."
It was a few days later, after another bruise across his back wiped the memory of his conversation with Izzy from his mind, that the first envelope appeared.
Nana was swinging on Shinjiro's arm, words happily bubbling over like a rice pot as she talked about her latest meet-up with her coven, in the same breath telling them about how "exclusive" it was and encouraging Joe to join them in protesting the chemical plant's newest building.
"We'll have bullhorns," she sing-songed with a wink.
"I can't," Joe told, bent over to remove his school slippers and trying not to tear up. "I have cram today until about eight."
"You always have cram school," Nana pouted. "Blow 'em off for once."
"You know he can't," Shinjiro stated unhelpfully.
"I'll catch up with you some other time," Joe attempted, opening his shoe locker. He reached in blind, looking to Nana who was refusing to be placated. It was then that he felt it – long and flat, laid across his shoes.
"What is it?" Nana asked, trying to peer over his shoulder and frowning when she remembered she was too short.
"It's a...?" Joe pulled it out. A plain envelope, heavy and cream-colored paper, with his name written across the front in purple ink. "Letter?" He flipped it over, looking for any clue. "Maybe it's a handout I missed?"
"Ooh, I know!" Nana chirped, flinging herself onto Joe with a giggle. "You got a love letter!"
"A l-love letter?!" Joe yelped. Whether in surprise at the announcement or the young woman's arms wrapped around his throbbing bruise.
Nana reached out, grabbing the envelope as Joe was temporarily incapacitated. She held it up to the light, looking past the purple handwriting to try and read what was inside. "I bet I know who this is from, too."
Just as Nana was squinting to start reading, Shinjiro plucked the letter from her hands. She whined at him as he handed it back to Joe.
Joe blushed his thanks, holding the envelope to his chest. He couldn't think of what to say. A love letter? To him? If his name wasn't scrawled across it, he would have sworn it had been put in the wrong locker. "Wait... Who sent this?"
Nana stuck her tongue out at Shinjiro who just playfully flicked her butterfly clip. "I think it's Rini from class 3-B. She's been following you for about a week, now. Haven't you noticed her staring at you all the time?" Joe opened his mouth to say something, anything to deny it, but Nana just squealed impatiently. "Open it. Open it! I wanna see!"
"Nana..." Shinjiro warned, but she slapped his arm, looking no less excited.
Joe flipped the envelope, running a finger under the taped flap. The letter inside was the same, expensive paper written all over with the same purple ink.
"I've loved you for so long," it said, much to Joe's mortification. Nana tried to look at it and he pulled away self consciously, face burning almost painfully. "I've only just found the courage in myself to tell you. Meet me at the fountain in Juuban Square at four o'clock tomorrow."
"Did she sign it?" Nana asked, finally giving up her attempt to spy to give Shinjiro an apologetic hug.
"No name," Joe told her. Seeing the defeated look in her eyes, he handed the note over. Nana snatched it happily, reading it over even as Shinjiro sighed in mild irritation.
"It looks like Rini's handwriting," Nana announced. "She used to do all her assignments in purple back when we were in middle school. Probably why she's in 3-B." She gave Joe a wink and the letter back. "You got lucky – I hear she's a wildcat in the backseat."
Joe could only squeak, face redder than he could ever remember it being. Nana just laughed wildly, tears escaping in great streams down her cheeks. "Th-that's just... what she says, though!"
"Are you going to meet her?" Shinjiro asked as Joe glared, crumpling up the envelope and tossing it in Nana's face. She blinked in surprise, grinning at her friend's unusual display of mirth.
"I don't have a choice," Joe said with a painful shrug. He put the letter in his bag as Nana made a face.
"Don't be a butt," she whined. "I gave you a choice. Eventually."
Joe rolled his eyes, finally slipping on his shoes, waving as he hurried down the street. He couldn't be late to his cram school.
Joe couldn't help but be nervous. Thank goodness that his father was working a double shift at the hospital, so he would never know that Joe hadn't come straight home after school. He stood at the fountain, shifting his weight from foot to foot. His ankle ached where he'd twisted it when his mother collapsed on him the night before as his father was storming out the door. He checked his watch, nervously watching the seconds tick by. It was already ten past four and he wondered if he should just go ahead leave.
Obviously it was just a huge joke he'd been dumb enough to fall for. He bit his lip, tugging at the blistered flesh that was scarred from years of habitual chewing. Had Nana been in on it, too? Was that why she had been so insistent on reading the letter? No, she wouldn't be so mean...
He sighed deep enough to agitate his bruised ribs. It was stupid of him to come out all this way. What had he planned to say to the false-girl, anyway? "Sorry, but I'm in love with a boy who seems to have forgotten I exist?"
He grabbed his bag where it sat at his feet. If he caught the bus now, he'd be home in time to give his mother her afternoon pills.
As he was walking away, a shrill, excited voice called out, "W-wait! Mr. Kido!"
Joe turned, watching as a young woman in his same brown uniform ran up to the fountain. Her hair was short and curly brown, eyes bright green. Her already rouged cheeks were flushed as she stood before him, looking to her shoes.
"Ah, you must be..." Joe paused, trying to remember who Nana had been talking about. He almost recognized her from the first day of classes, before Mr. Soruko had chased her out into the hall and to her own class. "Ms... Rini?"
The young woman squeaked happily, blushing. She looked up at him through her long, false lashes, an expression that would have, and probably did, work on other boys.
"You know me," she said. "I'm so glad." She shifted, swaying enticingly like a flower in a breeze. "I've... I've really liked you for a while, now."
"L-look, Ms. Rini," Joe began.
But the girl stepped closer, almost onto his toes. She pushed her breasts, large and stretching her school vest tight, against him, asking breathily, "Yes, Mr. Kido?"
Joe yelped, stumbling backwards. His bad ankle almost gave out, and he sat heavily on the lip of the fountain, almost falling in. Rini reached out to grab him by the hand, to steady him, pulling him close enough to smell the perfume she'd dabbed on her neck.
"Are you all right?" Rini asked, pursing her made up lips enticingly. "Mr. Kido?"
Joe blushed, leaning back. Her scent was becoming overpowering, making it hard to think. "Ms. Rini, w-what is it you want?"
"I thought it was obvious," she said, sitting next to him. She still held his hand in hers, and she smiled. "I," she blushed suddenly, furiously, "I want to go out with you."
"Well, Ms. Rini, I appreciate the thought and effort you went through..."
"You don't like me!" Rini accused. She pouted, sniffling back tears Joe couldn't see, and dabbing a dry handkerchief at the corners of her heavily shadowed eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no, it's not that!" Joe yelped. "It's just that, uh..."
What would he tell her? What could he tell her?
"That what?" she demanded with a pout.
"That... That..." Joe was thinking desperately, trying to back away without looking like it.
"Am I not your type?" Rini asked. "I can dye my hair, or grow it out if you want."
"It's not that. It's more like, hmm..."
"Are my boobs too big? Too small? What is it?" Rini glared behind her mascara as Joe continued to stutter. She gasped suddenly, dramatically. "Am I... the wrong gender?"
"No!" Joe yelped as conspicuously as possible. "It's definitely not that!"
"It is!" Rini crowed as Joe blushed. "You're ga-"
"Not outloud!" Joe pleaded, reaching over to cover the girl's mouth. He felt her sticky lipstick press against his palm. "Look, can you just, please, maybe, keep it a... secret?"
Rini smiled into his hand. When he didn't pull away, she darted her tongue out, licking him and he pulled away with a yelp. "I'm not a total bitch, you know. If you're not out, I won't say anything to anyone I know."
Joe looked around, finally wiping his hand on the ankle of his slacks. "I... I appreciate that."
"Look," Rini said, pulling a compact out of her bag and looking at her smudged lips. "Why don't we just forget this happened?"
Joe nodded, too embarrassed to speak. He stood awkwardly, bowing to Rini in silence as she pulled out a tube of lipstick, the balm nothing more than a red nub. She was focused completely on her makeup as Joe retreated, running to the bus stop like the coward he was.
The next day, Joe stood at his locker again. Nana was talking again, a steady stream of words.
"... so then, I told him to shove it up his ass and have a gods-blessed day." She laughed, an adorable giggle that turned into a snort. She blushed as Shinjiro laughed, a soft chuckle that was his uproarious laughter. "Oh, hush, you."
Joe was biting his lip, trying to keep from laughing. He kicked off his slippers and reached for his shoe locker. Nana was beating on Shinjiro's shoulder, playfully berating him when she paused, saying suddenly, "Oh, hey, Joe. I heard something funny in class today."
"What was it?" Joe asked. He opened his locker, yelping as a torrent of envelopes poured out onto his feet. "Oh, Gods!"
Nana squealed, forgetting what she was going to say. "Love letters! Geeze, Joe, what'd you do to Rini to get so many all of a sudden?"
"I didn't do anything," Joe insisted, reaching down to grab a handful. His name was etched on each one of them, different inks, different handwritings. He debated opening them, wondering what each one said. Nana, however, had no problems with ripping open the flaps despite her boyfriend's irritation.
"'I've always wanted to say...' 'I know you don't know me...'" Nana read off each one, eyes scanning the kanji. "'Love... Inoji'? He's in my anatomy class. This one is from... Takamaru? I know him too. Hey, Joe – these are all from boys!"
"Rini promised she wouldn't say anything!" Joe yelped. Then he realized what he said, clasping his hand over his mouth. "Nana! Shinjiro! You two, you can't..."
Nana was too busy reading more letters to pay attention to his pleads, but Shinjiro nodded. "Don't worry, Joe. Nana may have a big mouth, but you know she's trustworthy."
Joe nodded. "I know, I know... But Rini..."
"Rini is a total bitch," Nana spoke up, still reading letters. Joe reached out, snatching them away and she made a face at him. "Party pooper. She probably said something to Ayame, she's the biggest gossip in the school. But don't worry," she said, seeing the look on Joe's face. "It's not like any of us actually talk to our parents about school gossip. You'll be safe."