Recommended companion reading: "Old College Try" chapter 2.

Then slowly turn away

2013

Joe looked at the box in his arms. Tai had told him it was a great idea, that Matt would love it. But what did Tai know, nowadays, so busy with moving himself and Izzy out of the city and into a giant house instead of their cramped apartment?

"This is stupid," Joe grumbled. "I can't believe I did this..."

"I think it's wonderful," Kari said sweetly, patting him on the shoulder. She was holding her swollen belly with her other hand, her second boy growing inside her. "Just the thing he'll need, not this dumb pop music and alcohol."

"I don't know," Joe whined. "What if he gets the wrong idea? What if he thinks-?" He stopped himself. Kari knew – of course she knew, she knew everything – but he still held to that promise. Noone would ever know of their time together, not from his lips.

"He's going to think it's a wonderful, thoughtful gift," Kari smiled.

She knew.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Tai cheered, already tipsy. His husband was by his side, sighing and trying to keep him from pouring alcohol into his bottle of water. "The man of the hour is here!"

"Shut the hell up, Tai," Matt said as he walked into the conference room. Tai had rented out a whole motel just for the twelve of them for Matt's graduation party. The blonde was tired, well beyond exhausted really, but he was grinning. He'd finally done it: graduated from Tokyo University. The letter in his hand was further evidence of all his hard work, the NASA logo emblazoned across the front. "I'm too tired for your shit, you know that?"

"You're just being a grump because you have to go to Texas in a week," Tai laughed. "Learn enough English while you were in school, cowboy?"

"Believe me, the first cow I get, I'm naming after you just so I can send it to the slaughterhouse." Matt shoved his letter in his pocked, grabbing Tai and hugging him tight enough to elicit a jealous glance from Izzy. He flopped in a nearby chair and looked around the room. There was a table set up with an already half-eaten cake and a bowl of punch that, even from where he was sitting, smelled more like alcohol than juice. A stack of gifts was set up, one from each Child, though whether they were bought out of respect or amazement, Matt wasn't sure. He himself was surprised he'd graduated at all, let alone at the top of his class and with honors. And even the acceptance letter from NASA had been enough to bowl him over for hours the day he got it.

Joe excused himself politely as Davis threw himself across the room, offering Matt a piece of cake like he hadn't been the first one to dive into it. Seeing the blonde right now, no longer a shadow of himself trying to fit in, to be normal the only way he knew how, he wasn't sure if he could stay away all night. And this gift, this dumb gift he'd spent way too much money on but knew it was perfect from the moment he saw it...

He wandered down the halls of the motel, abandoning the conference room and its loud music for the bar and its soft lights and comforting alcohol. He still held the box in his arms, wondering just what he was going to do with it now. He couldn't return it, and he was far too embarrassed to actually give it to the man. If he hadn't been stupid and personalized the damn thing, he could claim it lost.

He'd set it down a while ago, sinking into his third fruity-smelling and not-too-strong drink, when he felt a presence hovering awkwardly over his shoulder. He tried not to sputter into his glass, hating himself for blushing as he turned to glance at the blonde man approaching him.

"H-hey, Matt. I heard you were accepted. I just wanted to say congratulations."

"Thanks, man." Matt looked like he wanted to put his hand on Joe's shoulder, setting it next to the box instead. "You could have just said so with the others instead of waiting all night."

"I just, well," Joe blushed furiously, the drink giving him courage. He grabbed the box and held it up. "I wanted to give you something."

"You don't have to get me anything," Matt murmured, pink dusting his cheeks as he took the gift. "Hell, I should get you something. If it weren't for you and Izzy, I don't think I'd have even passed the entrance exams."

Joe couldn't stop himself from saying, "The moment I heard you were accepted, I found it online." That sounded a bit stalker-ish, so Joe rushed into his words, trying to speak before he could think. "I hope I got the right size. I asked Tai, and he said he and he said he didn't know, but he gave me your old size and I figured you couldn't have gotten much bigger..."

But Matt wasn't listening. He'd opened the box and pulled out the gift that Joe had agonized over buying for days, wondering if it would be too personal, too odd for a man to give to another man. It was a deep blue jacket with white trim, silver buttons clasped up to a soft neckline. Above the breast pocket, red embroidery thread proclaimed proudly, "Yamato Ishida, Houston, TX" and the back was covered in a huge patch, the white NASA logo striking against the dark fabric.

Matt's lips moved for a moment before he remembered how to speak. "Oh, wow... Joe, you... You really didn't have to..."

Even as he spoke, he pulled the jacket on, the smell of brand new fabric filling his lungs and Joe blushed furiously. Matt was lost in the scent, the feel of warmth both physical and emotional, neither of which he was completely used to even now.

This was it, Joe knew. Right here, right now. Before Matt left for America, for the Moon. Joe would tell him how he felt, how much he loved the man and always had. How much he hated their fighting when they were teens and how much he desperately adored the blonde. Even if it would break Joe's heart and destroy their friendship, he would finally tell Matt. He opened his mouth, feeling the words bubble up in the back of his throat, when a dark shadow fell between them.

It was Sora.

She wore an uncomfortable, unflattering blue dress, with a grossly hot looking blue jacket. The years had not been kind to the young woman since she'd graduated high school. In face, Joe couldn't remember much about her, aside Yolie telling everyone how Sora had passed on going to college, preferring to work at her mother's ikebana store. That sounded nothing like the girl Joe had once known, but Toshiko Takenouchi wasn't one to be trifled with, not even by her own daughter.

"Hey, Matt," she said, loudly and Joe's throat closed up. He could still see it, from so long ago. How she'd constantly held Matt's hand. How she'd never been too far from him. How much she dolled herself up for him and only him, even after their break up. "It's been a while, huh?"

"Y-yeah," Matt mumbled and he stepped away from the bar. Even so far from Christmas Eve, the scent of smoke and alcohol was enough to trigger the memories of what he'd done that year so long ago. His knuckles throbbed with phantom pain as he tried to remember attacking his girlfriend, punching her over and over until his trauma-induced hallucination had subsided.

"Sorry about your nose," he mumbled at length. "I didn't break it, did I?"

"It's fine," Sora giggled and Joe felt his stomach churn. He was glad he hadn't had to be around as Sora descended into what her mother obviously thought made a woman. "Just like me."

Matt stiffened as Sora reached out, walking her fingertips up his arm. He tried to force away the thoughts of his mother, of the same touches that drove him to such drastic lengths even at the age of six. Joe stood, trying not to stumble as the alcohol hit him suddenly. Of course he couldn't confess. Not now, not ever. He had never been the one Matt had loved, and he never would be.

"Excuse me," Joe whispered, not looking up at Sora. With how wonderfully Matt had progressed from when he was a teen, surely they could make their relationship work by now. "I should be getting back soon. I have school in the morning."

"Joe, hey, wait –!" Matt shouted. He tried to reach for Joe, and Sora snatched up his hand.

"Matt, please," Sora purred, pressing against her middle school ex. "I want to give us another try..."

That was it. Joe couldn't take anymore. He threw some yen down on the counter, forgetting that Tai had already paid for everything, and took off. He would call a cab and, hopefully, he would be able to get to his room before he broke down.

Joe was at home, studying late into the night when his cell phone rang. He blinked heavily as he looked at it, taking a moment before his eyes could recognize the name calling him.

It was Nana.

Even now, seven months later, he was still embarrassed over what had happened. They had left the love hotel immediately after, despite paying for the full night, and Nana had quietly promised she would be all right before hopping on a bus home. Joe had wanted to call her, to make sure she got home safely, but he couldn't find the strength in his fingers to hold his phone, nor the strength in his voice to talk to her.

So he'd gone home that day. He'd holed up in his room, playing the panflute CD Nana had bought him and lighting incense to try and relax. He'd ended up curled up into a tight ball on his mattress for hours, arms and legs stiff by the time Shin came back. He had worried, over and over, wondering if Nana had made it to her apartment safely like she'd promised, or if she'd walked into a car. Right before he fell asleep, he'd gotten a text. Just a few simple words.

Went home. Called Shinji. Told him.

The next day, she told him, Shinjiro and Nana had gone back to that love hotel, and he had found the broken butterfly clip. Missing one wing and half its gems, the clasp messed up, he'd held it in his hands and promised to explain.

It was cancer, he told her as they sat on that same heart-shaped bed. In his lungs. The doctors had found it a few years ago, when he had collapsed. He'd never told Nana because he didn't want to make her upset once it was in remission.

But then his chemo had stopped working. The cancer had come back, terminal this time.

He wasn't thinking clearly, he'd told Nana. But he'd broken up with her because he didn't want her to be sad. He would rather have Nana be furious at him for breaking up, than devastated when he died. Her sleeping with Joe was something he hadn't expected, but he wasn't mad. Not like Nana rightfully deserved to be.

Shinjiro had expected her to break up with him, yell at him, cast him out for lying. But she just took the clip and set it in her hair.

"Shinjiro, you idiot," she'd whispered, kissing him softly.

Nana had blushed when she told Joe that nothing had happened afterward, but Joe decided he didn't believe her. Just like she never believed him.

Shinjiro had even called Joe, told him there was nothing personal between them, and that everything was forgiven. But Joe was still too embarrassed to meet up with his old friends, preferring to call and talk to them whenever he had the chance.

But tonight, Joe was curious. It was late, far later than Nana usually called as she was busy with her own schoolwork for her nursing degree.

"Nana?" he asked, answering. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Nana breathed, and Joe heard her voice crack. She wasn't crying, but she had been. "Shinjiro died today. H-His wake... We have it planned for Friday afternoon at his apartment."

"Nana, I'm... I'm so sorry..." Joe wasn't sure what to say. He wished he could be there to make sure she was fine. "Are you...?"

"Can you meet me?" Nana asked suddenly. "Friday morning, before the funeral?"

"Of course. I'll be there."

"Thanks. I..." Nana's voice took on a low, shameful tone. "I really owe you one. For being such a good friend about... everything."

And then she hung up before he could say a word.

Joe had school that Friday, but he skipped. He hadn't meant to, but he told Shin that he was going to his friend's funeral afterward.

"Take the day off," Shin told him and Joe blinked. He'd never even considered just not going to school. "They'll understand."

"I... You're right," Joe decided. "I don't think I'd be able to concentrate anyway."

So he dressed in his best suit, the one he wore to interviews and knew he never would be able to again, and borrowed the car. He hadn't visited his friends at their homes too often, usually meeting at libraries or cafes, so he was almost late as he got lost. If he hadn't spied the woman in a black dress, half a butterfly clip in her hair, sitting on the side of the road, he would have passed it up completely. He parked across the street, hurrying over to meet her.

"Nana, I..." His throat closed as she stood to greet him. "You, uh. You really..."

Nana looked down at herself, smiling as she ran a hand over her bulging stomach. "You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find funeral clothes in the maternity section."

She almost sounded normal, until she tried to laugh. The noise was more like a whimper, like a lost puppy. "Oh, Joe, I... I'm so sorry that I - that we..."

"Don't worry about it," Joe told her softly. "Is this why you wanted to meet me early?"

"K-kind of..." She looked around and Joe led her to the bench she had been sitting on. "I wanted to tell you that, well..." She blushed furiously, grabbing her purse and digging inside. She pulled out a small photograph, blurry and black and white. Nana didn't raise her eyes as she handed it to Joe. "Here. It's a sonogram of your son."

Joe took the picture before he heard her words. "Of my son?" Nana turned even darker at the yelp. "W-what do you mean? How, how do you know? That it's mine and not, you know... Shinji's?"

"I told you," Nana said softly. "That day Shinji told me about his... cancer... we didn't do anything. In fact, because of, um, it, we hadn't had sex in, actually, over a year. You're the only man I've been with..." She glanced up at Joe. He was looking at the sonogram, running his thumb over the tiny thing that was in the woman next to him. "I'm not going to, like, hit you up for child support, or make you marry me or anything. Everyone assumes he's Shinji's baby, and I'm happy to let them think that. I just... I just thought you should know, at least."

"Nana..." Joe looked up at her at last. She was trying not to cry again, dabbing her eyes before her makeup could be ruined.

"I'm going to name him Aiko," Nana said softly. "Because he was made with love, and he will always know it." She stood, putting her tissue back in her purse. "You can keep that one – it's the second half to the one I have. Now, come on, it's almost time for his funeral."

Joe put one arm around Nana's shoulder, letting her cry into him as they approached the building.

Shin announced that he would be moving out at the end of the lease a few weeks after the funeral.

"I'm graduating," he told his brother, who still had the sonogram of Aiko in his wallet. "So I'm going to go to South America for missionary work. You have the choice, now. You can either move into a different apartment, something smaller and probably a bit more affordable. Or, you can stay in this one – Shuu's latest letter said he and Jun might be coming back and they'll need a place to stay for a while."

Joe nodded, still lost in his mind. A son. A young boy who would grow up with a loving mother, a caring grandmother, and all the stories of a kind, gentle father. Would he want to be a part of that tiny life? Help it grow? Or would he only screw up Aiko just like he was?

Joe had only just begun med school, and he found it ridiculously like high school. More homework and tests than he could shake a stick at, teachers that demanded all of his attention no matter how many classes he was taking, and far too many cute boys leaving notes at his locker.

He ignored most of them, gently telling the more persistent ones that he was flattered but uninterested. But there was one...

Kotaru was very shy, but Joe knew he was one that left a letter every day, signing his name in elegant script. He sat across the room, and every time Joe looked up, he would look away. He thought that, like so many others, Kotaru would eventually decide Joe was too snooty and give up. But he continued to stare, to blush, to walk up to Joe's locker and continue on like he never meant to stop.

It was getting kind of embarrassing, really. Joe continued to tell himself that he simply wasn't interested in dating. That he absolutely was not waiting for Matt to come running back to him. That he didn't continue to dream, to remember, soft touches and gentle confessions back in the light of two moons and the heat of a boiler.

One morning, he arrived to school early. Shin had gotten the car title transferred over to his brother's name, as he wouldn't need it once he moved out of the country. Joe was barely tired, the homework load enormous, but things his father had made him memorize when he was barely a teen, so it came easy to him and he was usually able to fall asleep quickly.

He'd beaten his alarm awake, feeling more rested than usual, and drove to school, intending to spend time in the library before classes. He grabbed his bookbag and walked inside, approaching his locker just as Kotaru was putting a letter inside.

"Good morning," Joe greeted warmly and Kotaru yelped, stepping back and dropping his letter.

"I-I'm sorry," the man yelped, an adorable blush staining his cheeks. Up close, Joe's breath caught in his throat. Kotaru had blue eyes. "M-Mr. Kido, correct?"

It took a moment for Joe to find his voice again. "Y-yes. Your name is, ah, Kotaru?"

The man smiled, and Joe tried not to get lost in those eyes, as blue as Matt's had ever been. "You've read my letters, haven't you?"

"I have," Joe agreed. "And I'm really flattered, but -"

"Will you have dinner with me?" Kotaru asked loudly, rushed, as though if he didn't say the words fast enough they wouldn't come out.

"I'm..." This wasn't Matt, as much as those eyes sparkled with the same sapphire shimmer. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

"I... I see..." Joe hated when he had to turn people down. But he couldn't make himself unavailable in the barest off chance that... "I apologize for the intrusion, then..."

Joe watched as Kotaru turned quickly, almost running away. He hated having to break hearts and continued to curse Rini every day, imagining that she was the one that went to his every school and hospital and clinic to tell the biggest gossips there that he was gay. How else would everyone know?

Kotaru was upset the rest of the day, though he tried not to let Joe know it. But he no longer stared, he no longer sighed, and he didn't approach at lunch to sit nearby. Joe wished he could apologize, but he didn't want him to think there was something that would come of it.

At least, not until Mimi called that afternoon. She was sniffling when he answered.

"Joe, I..."

He wanted to say something to cheer her up, make a joke about women calling him at the time, crying, when she said, "I just heard..."

"Heard what?" Had someone told her about Aiko? He opened his mouth to explain, that it was just a one-night thing.

"Matt got married. He and Sora are going to have a baby."

Joe didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything. For years, he'd hoped and he'd dreamed. He'd spent nights working up the courage to tell the man his feelings only to chicken out the next morning. He'd clung to that desperate thought, that Matt was just too shy, that he loved Joe the same way.

"I'm so sorry, Joe," Mimi was saying. "I just thought you'd want to know..."

He didn't want to be rude, but there was nothing left to say. He hung up the phone as Mimi sniffled again and shoved it deep into his bookbag. He didn't want to see it, to be tempted to call the number and demand the truth.

Instead, he walked to his locker, past it really, to another blue eyed man

"Kotaru?" Joe asked softly. "I, I was wondering... Is that offer for dinner still open?"

If they had dinner, Joe didn't remember it. Anything resembling a date, he had only sat through, spending the whole time staring into beautiful blue eyes. What he did remember was pressing Kotaru up against the wall, tongues entangled in each other as he fumbled for his keys. If Shin was home, he didn't care, so lost in the other man. The door fell open and they stumbled inside, Kotaru's jacket left at the restaurant and Joe's shirt and pants unbuttoned from the car. It took everything Joe had to remember that he had a bed, much less a room, and they stumbled, laughing like giddy teens, into the bedroom.

Kotaru grabbed Joe and pulled him close, hands running up and down Joe's body in fiery touches that left him craving more, wanting more than what he'd had when he was eleven. He pushed the blue eyed man down in his bed, telling him to wait a moment. He had seen condoms in the bathroom, leftover from when Shuu still lived there, and he'd never thought to toss them. They were expired, but not dry, and as Joe returned to the bed and his waiting lover, he grabbed the corner of a Teenage Wolves poster and ripped it in half as he passed, throwing it to the floor.

Kotaru was a fun distraction, but after a few days, he began to realize that was all he was. Joe wanted to be sad, to be upset when the blue eyed man broke up with him. But he was numb, completely frozen to the core, and all he did when Kotaru walked away was grab the next letter from his locker and find the matching author.