Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
Just touch my cheek before you lave me, baby
2020
Joe sat in Tomaru's car outside the restaurant. He had his hands in his lap, fingers intertwined tightly. They had been sitting there for almost an hour now, their reservations long since past, and Tomaru was still yelling. He had it in his head that Joe was cheating on him. Again.
"I keep telling you, it was nothing," Joe had to insist softly, over and over. "I had to call a nurse into the room, she had to insert an IV, and then she was gone. That's it. You know I don't like women anyway."
"I saw the way she was looking at you," Tomaru snarled. His hands were gripping the steering wheel so tight, his knuckles were white and throbbing. "And don't tell me you weren't looking back at her!"
"I had to – she was trying to stick the damn needle in his thigh, not his arm!"
Tomaru whipped his head around, and he lifted one fist. Joe flinched away, raising his arms to protect his face, but Tomaru didn't hit him. He never did. Instead, he waited until Joe just began to shake before lowering his hand back to the wheel.
"I don't want to see you talking to that woman ever again," he hissed lowly. "Call any other nurse next time, but not her."
Joe wanted to tell him that he had no control of the nurses. He wanted to tell him that he was only trying to assist a new nurse, stressed on her first day. He wanted to ask when Tomaru had seen him interact with the nurse. Instead, he just looked to his lap and nodded obediently. If he opened his mouth now, he would only have another bruise to hide from Aiko's watchful eye.
"Great," Tomaru spat. "We missed dinner. Thanks a lot, Joe – now we're going to have to starve all night." He started the car, peeling out of the spot without even looking back into the street. Another car behind him honked angrily, but Tomaru ignored them, speeding off toward the hospital. Joe never let Tomaru pick him up at his home, preferring to meet the man in the parking lot. He was glad, somewhere deep beneath the familiar fear, as he had no idea what Tomaru would think of Aiko. He'd never told anyone at the hospital about the boy – not even Brad knew. And the way Tomaru acted when he thought he was just looking at someone else...
The only police car they passed had already pulled someone else over, though the officer gave them a dirty look as they flew by. For a moment, Joe missed Ken, wondering if the detective would ever get back to him. It had been almost two weeks, and there was still no word from Nana.
They pulled up to the hospital, driving through the parking garage until they found Joe's car. The doctor reached for the door just as it clicked locked. Tomaru reached across the console, very gently placing his hand on Joe's thigh.
"Joe..." Tomaru breathed, voice soft and apologetic. "I... You know I didn't mean any of that stuff I said. And you know I'd never hurt you..."
Joe licked his lips. He didn't know, not completely. But if he didn't respond, he was sure to find out. "It's ok, Tomaru. I... I promise I'll do my best to stay away from Nurse Tsuma."
Tomaru's hand tightened, and Joe knew he made another mistake. "You... You know her name?"
"It was her first day," Joe said quickly. "Brad took her around, introduced her to everyone."
"God damnit, Joe, I told you I didn't want you talking to Brad, either! Can't you listen to a fucking word I say?" Tomaru shook away the glare, exchanging the look for his usual dashing smile that had ensnared Joe in the first place. "No. No, that's not what I wanted to say. I... I wanted this date to be special – it's our fourth, you know."
Joe wished it hadn't gotten this far. He wished he had a way of breaking this off without sending Tomaru into another of his rages. He hid his shudder as Tomaru moved his fingers up further, moved closer.
"To be really special..." he was murmuring. Joe tried to pull away as Tomaru leaned over, kissing him.
"N-no," Joe tried to say. He put his hands on Tomaru's shoulders and tried to push him away. "Stop it."
Tomaru reached out, grabbed between his legs harshly and Joe whimpered. "This date is going to go how I fucking planned it."
Joe was still restrained by his seat belt, but Tomaru never wore his, so he easily leaned over him. He forced his lips against Joe's, tongue invading his mouth and hands running over his body. Joe never had a problem with sleeping with men before – since Matt had been married, he'd almost gone off the deep end – but he'd always made sure it was ok first. Even after drinking, Joe always had the courtesy to ask. This time, though, with Tomaru climbing all over him, holding him down so he couldn't move...
Joe was terrified. He wanted to be anywhere else than where he was then. He wanted to be home with Aiko, to run into Nana in the street. He didn't want to be under his boyfriend who was biting his throat harsh enough to leave bruises, ripping his shirt open with a scatter of buttons.
"It was terrible," a tiny, scared voice said in his mind. A voice he hadn't heard in over twenty years. "She made me... do these awful things... I just wanted to die, so much, and I was only five..."
He became a surgeon to protect more children from such horrors. He became a doctor to save lives, not just physical, but emotional. He couldn't let himself break down here, he had to find the strength he had back then.
He bit Tomaru's shoulder harshly, tasting blood. The man screamed, more in surprise than pain, and pulled back enough for Joe to fumble with the door lock. He almost fell out of the car and he ran to his own. He threw himself in the driver's seat and flew out of his parking spot faster than Tomaru had ever driven. He looked in his mirrors more than he looked at the road before him, but there was no red sports car chasing him down, no enraged boyfriend threatening to find him. Even his phone was completely silent.
He made it past the gate, stopped in his usual spot, and only then realized he'd forgotten his seat belt. He clicked the release button anyway, trying to act as though he hadn't been terrified. He locked the door and shut it, then used his keys to unlock it. He walked away a few steps before running back and locking it again.
It wasn't until he was fumbling with his front door, dropping his keys so many times he was tempted to use the emergency key under the mat, that he realized he'd left his coat in the back seat of Tomaru's car.
"I'll get a new one," he mumbled to himself. It would be easier to be yelled at by Jiro for having to order a new coat than it would be to ever talk to Tomaru again.
The door finally opened and he flew inside, worried he'd heard footsteps behind him. He locked the deadbolt, the security bolt, and even the chain latch he never used. His hands were shaking and he was breathing hard, like he'd run a marathon instead of a flight of stairs.
"Dad...?" came a soft, sniffling voice.
Joe turned to look over his shoulder. Aiko stood at the edge of the hallway, eyes red as he cried softly into Sesame Seed. Ken had taken Aiko to Nana's apartment to collect a few things while he stayed at Joe's, and the plush had been the first thing he'd grabbed.
"Aiko, what happened?" Forgetting his own bruises, his own pain, Joe hurried to his son, pulling him into a tight hug.
"Y-you said you'd be home... You never c-came home, and, and I... I th-thought that..." Aiko sobbed, dropping Sesame Seed so he could cling to his father. Joe didn't need Aiko to finish telling him – Nana had promised to come home, and she never did.
"I'm so, so sorry, Aiko," Joe breathed. "It won't happen again – I swear it won't." He remembered Tomaru's voice, the same words dripping from his lips. "And I mean it."
Aiko slept next to Joe that night, sobbing himself to sleep against his father's side as a bruised hand ran through his hair comfortingly.
The next day there was another arrangement in his office. More roses than he could count, so red they were almost black, and another card. Joe had awoken that morning, determined to break it off with Tomaru. He told himself he didn't need someone who reminded him of his father, who hurt him in all the same ways Shou had, and more.
But the writing on the card was smudged, the ink running with teardrops so bad that the envelope itself had dark splotches. From what he could read, Tomaru felt horrible. He didn't mean to force Joe into anything he didn't want to do, and that he was just eager because he loved Joe so much.
Joe wanted to throw the whole thing in the trash, vase and all, but he just moved it aside. He put the card in his desk with the rest of them, and at lunch, Tomaru approached, head hung low, feet shuffling.
"Joe..." he whimpered, like a lost puppy. Like Aiko had that night thirteen days ago.
"Tomaru," Joe began. He had to stay stern, to not let himself be swayed by the pathetic blue eyes that turned on him. "Tomaru, I -"
"I'm sorry," Tomaru breathed. He almost collapsed in the chair next to Joe. He couldn't look up except for tiny glances every few moments. "Joe, I acted like a real jerk, and it was stupid of me to try and make you do that stuff – I'm sure you've never done anything like that before."
"I've had sex before," Joe said with an irritated huff. He glanced away, not noticing how Tomaru's hand suddenly dug into the chair, nails bending as they dug grooves into the old plastic. "I just don't appreciate being forced."
"I wasn't trying to force you, I promise." Tomaru looked up, his lip quivering. "I just got carried away. But, but I apologized – you got my flowers, didn't you? I made sure that they got to your office before you did!"
"I did get them," Joe said. He tried not to meet Tomaru's eye. He knew if he did, it would be all over. He had to be strong – for himself. "But I can't keep putting up with this. The yelling, the fighting, the accusations! I'm sorry, Tomaru, but... I can't be with you anymore."
"No!" Tomaru barked and Joe jumped. "No – it can't end this way! Give me a chance, just one more chance!"
"Y-you've had plenty of chances, Tomaru," Joe warned, cursing how fragile his voice sounded. "You don't have anymore."
"Joe!" Tomaru grabbed the table, staring Joe down with a look of such venom, Joe physically shrunk back from it. Then, in a moment's breath, the man sank back in his chair. He slumped, almost falling over and he whispered, "Joe, I'm... I'm sorry. I know that's all you hear out of me but..." Blue eyes looked up, shining with tears. "I've been going about this all the wrong way. I've been trying to date you the way I want, not the way you want.
"Let me make it up to you. I'll make us dinner tonight. No more restaurants, no more dressing up – just a simple meal between two adults." Tomaru smiled, lips quivering as they tried to hold the expression.
"Tomaru, no," Joe pressed. "I told you: it's over."
"We can even go to your place," Tomaru continued, as though he hadn't heard Joe. "You'll feel more comfortable at home, right?"
"Tomaru -"
But the man was smiling, beaming at the thoughts running through his head. "I'll follow you home tonight since, you know, you never gave me your address. And then I'll make you dinner, and everything will be fixed. It'll be all right."
"T-Tomaru!" Joe sighed. It was impossible to get to the man now. "... Fine. One more chance. But the second you raise your hands or even your voice, you're out, you understand?"
"I'm so glad you can see things my way," Tomaru purred. He reached out, tracing a fingertip down Joe's cheek and the man shivered. What had he gotten himself back into?
Joe was stepping off the elevator when his cell phone went off. He'd long since given Tomaru a special ringtone, a soft, quiet thing that was easy to ignore, so when the different bells dinged from his pocket, he was quick to answer.
"Joe, it's Ken," came the soft, steady voice.
"Thank the gods," Joe sighed, walking to his office. "Is everything ok? Did you find Nana?"
There was a pause. "We did."
Joe laughed, relief flooding him. "That's wonderful, Aiko will be so happy. Did she say what happened to keep her busy for two weeks?"
"Joe, are you sitting?" Ken asked, no hint of joy in his own voice.
"Do I need to?" Joe could recognize that tone as he stopped just outside his door. It was the one he had to use several times a day. The one that only meant one thing: the worst news possible.
"We found her body this morning, stabbed to death. From what our M.E. tells us, she most likely died the day she went missing."
Joe's knees were weak, and he held a hand over his mouth. Despite seeing death every day, he'd never been the one on the receiving end of the news. "How... How did you know it was her?" He knew how bodies rotted, had learned it while studying in the morgue, and knew it was hard to tell who they had been after a certain amount of time.
"We called her mother in from Shimane to identify the body. Joe..." Ken sighed, filling the line with static. "There will be an investigation, and someone will be around to question you."
"It's not like I haven't dealt with the cops before..." Joe breathed. But never like this – never as a suspect.
"You should be fine," Ken whispered, and Joe was sure he wasn't supposed to say that. "You've done nothing suspicious, and we can have you alibied by the messages you left on her phone. Just don't let it get to you."
"Y... Yeah... Thanks, Ken..."
He turned off the phone in his hands, almost dropping it to the floor as he collapsed. The hall light above him flickered, slowly, almost comfortingly.
"What am I going to tell Aiko...?" he breathed, asking the empty hallway that surrounded him.
Joe could barely focus the rest of his day. He stayed away from patients as much as he could, withdrawing himself into his backlog of paperwork. The only things that ran through his mind were thoughts of Nana, of the sweet young woman who he would never see again. The mother of his child who would never hold Aiko again. The leader of a coven that did more shopping than spells. The Head Nurse of a clinic that would never benefit from her experience and care anymore.
Despite his shaking hands, his handwriting was perfect – a habit from his father's rule he'd never been able to break. He had hoped it would have distracted him, made him focus on something else, but the only thing it had done was pass the time. He could feel his phone vibrating, but it only made him think of Aiko.
How was he going to tell the boy his mother was dead? That she had been murdered? Should he tell Aiko that? Or would it only serve to frighten him, send him deep into himself?
He glanced at his clock, a replacement for his old one that never stopped flashing 1:13, and sat back. His shift was reaching the end and he only just remembered that he had allowed Tomaru another chance. He picked up his phone and texted, unsure of his own voice.
"I have to cancel tonight. Dinner tomorrow?"
The reply was instantaneous.
"You promised. Or are you a liar?"
Joe sighed. "I never called you a liar. I have an emergency."
"What if I have an emergency tomorrow? We're doing it tonight."
Anything Joe texted back after that was ignored. He removed his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. Tomaru's insistence was completely out of hand, and he had no idea what to do.
Brad was down the hall as Joe left, but the blue haired doctor ignored his friend and fled to the elevator, unsure if Tomaru was able to see him or not. If things went well tonight, hopefully he could break things off peacefully.
Tomaru wasn't waiting for him in the lobby like usual, instead sitting in his car, parked next to Joe's. He didn't even look up as Joe approached, didn't watch as Joe climbed into his own car. He only pulled out behind the man, following him close behind. For a moment, Joe wondered what would happen if he led Tomaru away, just drove until his car ran out of gas and then got out and ran after that.
Aiko would be left alone, Joe knew. And Tomaru would never give up his pursuit.
So Joe put the code in the gate and drove to his building. He parked in his spot and Tomaru parked next to him in the handicap area. He was tempted to run for it, to take off to one of his neighbor's doors and demand help, but Tomaru reached out and took Joe's hand in his, squeezing it tight enough to pop his knuckles.
"Are you ready?" Tomaru asked, sweetness dripping from his every word. "Don't worry, Joe, dinner will be wonderful and special and you'll know I love you."
Joe swallowed hard and nodded. That light in Tomaru's eyes was terrifying, and it was only growing brighter.
Joe couldn't take his hand from Tomaru's, even to unlock his door, and it had long since stopped tingling. Now he couldn't feel his fingers at all. Tomaru dragged Joe inside, pushing him onto the couch, almost taking Joe's arm off with the death-grip still on his hand.
"Now you just stay here, and I'll -"
Joe looked up, wondering why Tomaru had stopped speaking. Aiko had emerged from his bedroom, stopping short at the sight of his father and another man.
"Dad...?" Aiko whispered, and Tomaru mirrored the shape of the word with his lips, no noise coming forth.
Tomaru's grip had slackened with shock, and Joe used the opportunity to break free. He hurried across the room, not only to put as much space between him and Tomaru as possible, but to place a reassuring, numb hand on Aiko's head.
"Tomaru, this is my son. His name is Aiko."
It was as though Tomaru was broken. He didn't move, he didn't make a sound, he looked like he wasn't breathing either. The only motion he was making were his eyes, flickering back and forth, flashing over and over as he tried to process the information. Aiko huddled close into Joe, this strange man making him uncomfortable.
"Tomaru?" Joe called softly. He was worried, but not enough to go over to the man.
Finally, Tomaru blinked, and he sagged into a relaxed, warm position.
"It was just a... a shock, really." Tomaru gave that grin that Joe had once loved and now feared. "You know what? I actually forgot the groceries I bought down in my car. I'll be right back."
When Tomaru closed the door behind him, Joe wanted desperately to lock all the bolts. But he just knelt down, wondering how to tell his son.
"Aiko, I..." Joe took a breath. "I got a call from Detective Ichijouji this afternoon..."
"He came by today," Aiko admitted softly. "He told me that Mommy was... dead."
Joe bit his lip. "Did he say anything else?"
Aiko shrugged, wrapping his arms around Joe's shoulders. "He said you were going to come home and take care of me. And not to be scared because you would protect me." He nuzzled against Joe's cheek and whispered, "But I am scared. Of that man..."
"Don't worry about Tomaru," Joe promised. "I won't let him hurt you. And after this, he'll be gone."
Aiko nodded, and Joe knew he would have to end it, no matter what Tomaru did. Without Nana to come back, Aiko was his and only his to care for.
"Aiko, listen to me. Tomaru is going to come back up here, and I'm going to tell him something. I don't know how he's going to react, so I want you to go to your room and stay there. No matter what you hear, do you understand?"
"Yes, Dad..."
The doorknob rattled and Joe flinched. "Go, Aiko."
The boy scampered off, and Joe sighed his relief when he heard the door shut. He sat back on his heels as a heavy hand fell on his shoulder.
"What are you doing over here, Joe?" Tomaru asked, nails digging into Joe's shoulder painfully. "I thought I put you on the couch."
Joe squirmed, already feeling the bruises forming. "I had to tell Aiko something."
"I'm trying to be in a good mood, Joe," Tomaru growled. "I put you on the couch because I wanted you to stay on the couch."
"Tomaru, that hurts," Joe said, trying to keep his voice even. "I warned you – don't make me throw you out."
There was a terrifying moment where it seemed Tomaru hadn't heard him. His fingers tightened, and his eyes flashed. But then he released, stepping back. He looked at his hand as he flexed feeling back into it. Joe watched him warily as he blinked once, twice.
Then he broke into a smile, as warm and soft as though nothing had happened. "Just... sit on the couch for me, please, and I'll start dinner." Without a second glance, Tomaru turned and walked to the kitchen. "Fried rice, plain and simple, just like tonight will be."
Joe reached up to rub his shoulder. "I can show you where the pans are..."
There was a familiar crash of glass as Tomaru threw a plate, shattering it on the floor. "Goddamnit, Joe! I know how a fucking kitchen is set up! Shit!" Tomaru flew back into the living room and threw his arms around Joe. "I'm sorry – I didn't mean to yell! I promise, no more! No more yelling!"
"Just. Go." Joe growled. He meant for the man to leave, but Tomaru just went back to the kitchen. He wanted to yell, to throw him out, but he just sat on the couch. Anything to make this night end faster so he could take care of Aiko.
"It's only a few more minutes," Tomaru called, barely loud enough to be heard.
"So soon?" Joe asked. "Didn't you just start?"
There was a pause, and a soft whisper, "One... Two..." Then Tomaru laughed. "You caught me. I'm not the best cook, but I can heat up a frozen dinner like a five-star chef." A bit more crashing and clanging, much more quiet and gentle this time. Tomaru was finding plates with more ease than Joe had his first day in the apartment. "So... were you ever going to tell me about Aiko?"
"I didn't know how permanent the arrangement would be," Joe said. He debated telling Tomaru about Nana, but ultimately decided against it. This would be their last night, he didn't need to know anything personal. Not anymore. "I didn't feel like it was pertinent to our relationship."
"...Three... Four... You have a son. How is that not 'pertinent'?"
"Tomaru..." Joe shook his head, glad Aiko was safe in another room. "Let's just enjoy dinner."
"Yeah, sure." A hissed curse. "Where are your Goddamn chopsticks?" A sigh. "I didn't yell that!"
"I didn't hear anything," Joe lied. It was easier.
Tomaru emerged with two plates and a wide grin. "I found them! Now, let's have a nice, normal meal. Between two adults, with nothing bad happening." He sat at the dining table, waving Joe over. "Come on, come on. It'll get cold."
For a moment, Joe considered just getting up and running. Of escaping like he'd never had the chance to with Shou. But he couldn't leave Aiko alone. So he walked over to the table where Tomaru was bouncing in his chair like an excited child.
"I should have brought candles," Tomaru muttered to himself. "Or flowers, or something. But I guess I can't go back in time and change things, now can I?" He laughed, in as good a mood as Joe had ever seen him. "Go ahead – it's perfect."
It did look good. Invitingly warm and brown, it smelled delicious. And yet, there was something off about it. Joe picked up his chopsticks, gently playing with the rice for a moment. He could see the vegetables, like bright lights speckled throughout.
"I thought you said it was plain," Joe said.
Tomaru put a chopstick to his lip. "It's just peas and carrots and shit. All fried rice has that. Go on – it's delicious."
Joe eyed Tomaru suspiciously. The man was smiling, but there was a curious tug at the corner of his mouth. Something sparkling in his eyes that Joe hadn't seen before. But, Joe figured, the sooner they ate, the sooner this would all be done with. So he took a bite, an odd taste filling his mouth.
"I was thinking," Tomaru was saying. He still hadn't began eating. "About our first date – you remember that little diner? Where my parents dated?"
Joe nodded. He wrinkled his nose and ran his tongue over his teeth. Something odd was happening.
"You told me something interesting." Tomaru leaned in close. "Do you remember what you said? Because I remember every word you ever said to me. I keep it close to my heart because there's nothing about you I don't want to know."
"I didn't..." Joe coughed. "I didn't say anything..." He pushed away his plate. "I don't feel well..."
Tomaru leaned across the table. "Look, I understand why you became a doctor. It's because you want to save people. I wanted to become a doctor, too, but they said I couldn't." He watched as Joe rubbed his throat. "They said it wasn't about being a hero."
"It's... It's not..." Joe was beginning to wheeze, but it didn't feel like asthma.
"Yes it is," Tomaru insisted. "It's about becoming a God to someone – you save their life and they'll worship you."
"I... I don't... want... w-worship..." Joe grabbed his napkin and spit into it, trying to dislodge whatever was surely stuck in his throat. "What did... you do...?"
Tomaru stood and walked around to Joe, standing over him. "If I save you then you'll worship me. Like I do you."
"S-save...?"
Then Joe remembered. The shrimp.
He stood, shoving Tomaru as had as he could out of the way. He had an epi-pen in the kitchen, stashed in his junk drawer. He could feel his throat and tongue beginning to swell and he stumbled, breathing becoming labored. Tomaru was still talking as he almost fell in the kitchen, digging desperately in the drawer.
"You don't understand, do you? I love you, Joe. But you don't seem to love me as much. I'm only doing this for us – because once I save you, you can forget about everything that isn't me."
The medication was in Joe's hand, but it was light. He shook the pen, but there was nothing inside. But that was impossible – Joe had never had to use this pen!
Tomaru took it from his hand and Joe sunk to the floor. "These pens... They go off so easily as soon as you stab anything. But don't worry – I have epinephrine in my car." He knelt next to Joe and smiled that terrifying smile. "And since it's mine you'll always know who saved you. I'm... I'm like your doctor, Joe – your God. I'll be the one to save you."
"No!" Joe gasped. He reached out, fingers reaching desperately. Tomaru took the hand in his, bringing it to his face and nuzzling against it.
"See...? I've been on your mind now for weeks, and soon I'll be the only thing you can think of! You won't have to worry about Brad, or Midori, or even Aiko! Just me. Only me..."
Joe felt Tomaru kiss his fingertips and he lashed out. He grabbed the soft, squishy flesh in his nails and squeezed. Tomaru cried out, trying to jerk away, but Joe held fast to his lips. With a gasping, wheezing breath, Joe fumbled over his words. "Out... Get... Out! Never... Never again...!"
Tomaru elbowed Joe in the side of the head, falling backwards as he was let go. He held a hand over his bloody mouth and glared at Joe as he writhed on the floor.
"Joe, you -!" Tomaru licked the blood from his lips, that terrifying light coming back into his eyes. "I understand, now. But, Joe, if I call an ambulance, then it'll be the EMTs who save you. No, it has to be my glory. And if it's not mine, then it can't be anyone's." He leaned over, kissing Joe deeply, the doctor unable to taste the blood as his throat began to swell shut. "Goodbye, Joe. I know you'll think of me for eternity as the last person you ever spoke to."
Joe's vision was darkening, and he twitched on the floor. Tomaru was gone, suddenly, and Joe wasn't sure if he'd left or had simply vanished. A thought passed through his mind, clear as a bell against the panicked screaming he couldn't let out.
Tomaru's right. I'll become a ghost, and always know he'd the one who made me one...
Joe closed his eyes, letting himself drift away. Maybe if he died peacefully, he would be spared the agony of remaining on Earth forever. He willed himself to be calm, to let go of any regrets. Anything he could do to just let himself end, like he should have so long ago.
A sharp prick of pain in his thigh made him twitch, and he heard, from thousands of miles away, a tiny voice.
"-ergic reaction. I found an epi-pen in the bathroom – please hurry!"
There was a mild relief, and Joe felt himself mouth the name, "Aiko...?"
"You can't die, Dad," Aiko was sobbing, no longer speaking with the emergency dispatch. "I need you – I don't have Mommy anymore!"
Joe's hand was still and slick with Tomaru's blood as Aiko grabbed it, crying into his palm. "Dad, you can't leave me alone..."