The Sad Thrill Of All Things
I should not be here I am not part of her life anymore yet I am, even though I know its wrong and what we are doing is even more wrong. I don't believe in taking wives from their husbands or vice versa but here I am doing the one thing I shouldn't be a secret adultery, which is hidden from all because I'm desperate and I can't help myself. Perdicus is a good man he can give her everything she wants and needs he treats her right but I know she's not happy she's never been happy in this marriage. I knew the first time I visited that she wasn't happy she bored and craving the road and I know that soon our actions are going to explode outwards like a fire and we will get found out. The horrible thing is I want it to happen because I want this to end, I want her to let go off this life which is destroying her, because I want to be there when this fire explodes and embrace her and take her away from it all. It's the guilt that keeps her here in this house I know that, that's why she can't let go even though she loves me with her heart.
I'm taking more risks now and doing it on purpose because I want her to be mine even though it's my own fault that she went off and got married. She asked me how I felt about it and I admit I had not been kind to her at that time, so I didn't say how I felt because I faired rejection. I had to wait a season to find out tragic a mistake that was. I push her down on to the table kissing her harder feeing her respond she loves me and I love her and the gods cannot change that now and I know that I will be here next week giving her husband that fake smile and watching as he pats my shoulder before going out to be with his friends never knowing or realizing that I make love to Gabrielle so desperately when the light has faded. She pulled away breathing in deeply and my words hit the air in a rush. "I love you."
Gabrielle breathed in deeply trying to gain control over her self. "I love you to Xena." Xena took in another breath looking at her lovers open dress in the candle light. "You don't have to do this anymore you can come with me, we can leave this place tonight." Gabrielle lowered her gaze sadly. "You know I can't do that." Xena leaned closer to her running her hand hair through the long blonde hair. "Yes you can." Gabrielle felt her pleasure dissipate as the dark mood over took her she felt awful about this. The problem was that she was in a deep trap and she couldn't get out of it and now she had no idea where to turn. The guilt was destroying every day just a little more, she wanted to be with Xena but at the same she knew that what she was doing was wrong and cruel to her husband. She cared about him but she didn't love him, she had married him out of guilt and now she was cheating on him and she hated herself for it. She wanted to be found out so it could end, she wanted take the pain of being divorced so she could run in to Xena arms. She didn't want the shame of running away in the night, which would be even worse. She was now torn between two worlds, the world she wanted filled with excitement and the other world which was the simple life which was now boring her to death.
Her thoughts were cut off as Xena lips met her once again before moving away. "I can't do this anymore I don't want to do this anymore I want to be caught!" Xena wrapped her arms around her pulling her half naked body up slightly. "I know you do, so do I, it shouldn't have been this way. I should have told you how I felt." She closed her eyes maybe in this strange moment she felt a sense of sadness for what should be and what was. "I should have told you how I felt about you, I'm sorry Gabrielle." Gabrielle breathed in painfully. "So am I." She looked up hearing the sound of hooves gods please let it be her husband or anyone who would give them away. She didn't think as she met Xena's lips again hearing the slow thudding footsteps which would set her free from her pain and misery.
Silvermoonlight