For all that Maura considered direct communication an appropriate and necessary next step, she found herself nervous Wednesday night as she waited for Jane to arrive. She had been tempted over the past few days to actually create a spreadsheet, but she restrained herself. Maura wanted to establish better, more open communication in her relationship with Jane, and treating it like a patient she was diagnosing didn't seem like the way to make that happen.
She took a deep breath and tried to relax. Just as she exhaled for the second time, the doorbell rang.
Jane was dressed in slacks and a button-down, and not the ones she had worn to work that day. She offered the lilies in her hand to Maura and greeted her with a peck on the lips. Maura momentarily reconsidered her conversation goals for the evening – I have the textbook perfect girlfriend, and I'm trying to change her back? she wondered. But this Stepford-Jane wasn't the person she fell for, and she knew after awhile Jane would resent trying to maintain being someone she wasn't. Maybe she doesn't have to change all the way back. These flowers are lovely.
As Maura put the lilies in water, she invited Jane to sit down at the table. She thought her choice of homemade macaroni and cheese sent the right message – one could have fancy fromage and comfort food all in the same dish. Different as they were, she believed she and Jane were a great combination.
Shortly after they sat down to eat, Maura chose to jump right in – after all, they had scheduled this talk in advance. There was no need to make awkward small talk when they both knew where the conversation was heading.
"Jane, are you happy with our relationship?" Maura leaned forward and gestured between them with her fork.
Jane looked only slightly surprised at the question. She answered quickly.
"Of course I am! The woman I've wanted to be with for so long actually wants me too. What's there not to be happy about?" Jane paused. "Wait, are you happy with our relationship?" She twisted her napkin in her lap, her knuckles turning white.
Though tempted to immediately reassure Jane, Maura considered her answer. "It's possible to be happy but still have things that need addressing. Perhaps that was the wrong question to begin with. Let me start over." She took a deep breath and looked Jane in the eye. "When I met you, the things that attracted me most to you were the things that make you different from me. You're so instinctive, so willing to just go with something to see where it leads. Since we went from friends to, well, girlfriends, you're so controlled. You seem to be holding back. You dress differently, you feign interest in art the person I fell for would have openly mocked. I haven't seen you turn on ESPN in weeks. So maybe this is the question I should have started with: Jane, have you been taken over by a pod person?"
Jane burst out laughing. Once she composed herself, she was able to respond. "Well, when you put it that way, I guess I have to admit I've been on my best behavior lately."
Maura snorted. Delicately, but it was still a snort. "I've seen you on what you purported to be your best behavior, and it wasn't close to this. If your mother saw you, she'd have a heart attack. Metaphorically speaking, of course."
"Let's not bring my mother into this." Jane looked horrified.
Jane's mother was a topic on Maura's mental spreadsheet – perhaps the conversation about telling family and friends about their relationship would have to be handled extra-delicately.
"Agreed. For the moment. But you still haven't answered my question."
Jane looked directly into Maura's eyes, her expression serious. "I solemnly swear I have not been taken over by a pod person."
Maura swallowed her last bite of dinner and put down her fork. Jane had finished hers during Maura's earlier monologue, and she drank the last of her water as she sat back.
"Let's go sit on the couch. I'll rub your feet while you tell me why I should believe you." Maura got up with her plate, rinsed it, and put it in the dishwasher. Having a serious relationship talk was no excuse to let the dishes pile up. Jane did the same and followed her to the living room.
Maura sat at one end of the couch and patted her lap. Jane looked skeptical but sat on the opposite end. She removed her still-dowdy shoes and socks and swung her legs into Maura's lap.
"I don't think anyone's ever rubbed my feet before," she admitted, looking a little wary of what the experience might bring.
"Oh, Jane – you've being missing out on the benefits of the serotonin and dopamine that are released." Maura began a skillful massage of Jane's heel, sliding her thumbs across the arch then rubbing the ball of her foot.
"Dopey-whatever or not, that feels great." Jane leaned her head back against the arm of the couch and threw her arms out.
Now that Jane was relaxing, Maura hoped she'd finally get some answers out of her. "So tell me what's been going on with you that can't be attributed to alien invasion."
Jane sighed and closed her eyes. Maura worried for a moment she would go to sleep and continue to avoid the conversation she had promised at the baseball game they would have. Then Jane opened her eyes and began to speak.
"I really still can't believe someone like you would go out with someone like me. I never imagined when I told you how I felt that you would feel the same. So when you did, I was a little thrown. I want so badly to give you everything you want, everything you deserve. You could have anyone, and for the life of me I don't know why you picked me, but I don't want you to regret that or to feel like you're missing out on the life you could have if you were with someone else. Someone classier."
Maura felt simultaneously touched and exasperated. Leave it to Jane to make things worse by trying to make them better. She switched feet and continued her massage.
"That's one of the sweetest and stupidest things I've ever heard. What gave you the indication I wanted you to be anyone but the person you'd been up to the point I told you I had feelings for you?" Maura tried to keep her tone soft.
"I'm the person you talked to after all of your dates. You found something, no matter how small, wrong with all of them. I'm far from perfect, and I didn't want to give you any more ammunition than you already had." Jane looked distressed.
Maura's shoulders sagged. Perhaps she had been overly candid with Jane all those nights she stopped by after a bad date and made fun of the poor men's quirks and foibles. "Jane, don't you know you're different than all of them? That I rejected all of them for asinine reasons because they weren't who I really wanted to be with? Please don't try to become some idea of perfection because you think I'll reject you otherwise. You're who I want, just as you are."
Jane didn't look convinced. "Yeah, well, for how long? How long before you lose interest in me and my beer-and-baseball-game evenings and my crazy family?"
Now Maura really was frustrated. "How would you ever find out, since you've been too busy taking me on dates you don't enjoy? And you haven't let me around your family, never mind that I used to see them on a regular basis."
Maura didn't give Jane a chance to answer. She went on the offensive, all plans for a controlled, careful conversation leaving her head. "I know relationships haven't been your strong suit, but I've never seen you this insecure. How do I know this isn't an excuse to cover your internalized homophobia and fear of intimacy? You say you want everything to be perfect, but you've shut me out of parts of your life I used to be allowed inside, and I touch you less now than before we started dating. I can't believe you think I'm so shallow that I'd drop you if something shinier came along. What's really going on?"
Jane sat up and put her head in her hands. When she looked up, her expression was miserable. "I really am just that bad at relationships, Maura. I don't think you're shallow – please believe me. I'm just having trouble adjusting. I know I should have talked to you, but that's not my first instinct. I can be better."
Maura scooted closer on the couch and put her hand on Jane's thigh. "I don't want you to be better. I just want you to be yourself. You're right – you should have talked to me. And I should have talked to you, but I was trying to give you space to readjust. We're just going to have to give in to the stereotype and process. Let's start this whole thing over, but this time we'll tell each other what's going on in our heads like we always have. You go back to being you, and I'll go back to being me."
Maura paused. Something about that wasn't quite right. What was she forgetting? Ah, yes.
"But with sex," she finished.
Jane laughed, but not in a way that sounded like she found anything funny.
"If only things could be that simple."
Why couldn't they be? She and Jane were great friends, and now they could be great friends who also got to enjoy the pleasure and benefits of sexual interactions. When she thought of it that way, though, it somehow cheapened what she imagined sex with Jane would be like. Maybe Jane was right – it wasn't so simple to make that transition. Hoping it was just a matter of navigating new waters together and that Jane wasn't about to confess her asexuality, Maura smiled encouragingly.
Jane smiled back. "I know I promised we'd talk about our relationship, but that didn't mean we had to do it all at once, did it?"
"Of course not," Maura assured her. Though it seemed theory two was a winner, she was still worried about theories three and four. "But can you at least let me know if we will be having sex someday? I'm not saying we have to schedule it for tomorrow, but I need to know you at least want to at some point."
The look Jane gave her melted Maura's heart. Metaphorically, of course. She placed her hand on Maura's cheek. "Yes, Maura, I very much want to at some point."
"Excellent." Relieved was an understatement for how Maura felt.
Jane's hand dropped to her lap, and Maura took it in her own. She leaned in and kissed Jane, her imagination suddenly running wild with future possibilities.
After they broke apart, Jane buried her head in the crook of Maura's neck and made one more request. "For now, though, can we move slowly and just enjoy every step?"
Maura closed her eyes and let Jane's sexy rasp wash over her. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her raging libido. Slow. She could do slow.
"Of course." Snuggling closer to Jane, she continued, "I suppose since we're pausing in our relationship conversation for the time being, I'll hold off on my questions about whether or not I can be there to see the look on your mother's face when you tell her about us."
Maura knew they had made progress when Jane's response was to tickle her mercilessly and tell her what a horrible sadist she was. Yes, she was pretty sure she could now cross theory five off of her list.
After the intensity of the night before, they agreed to a low-key evening at Maura's apartment on Thursday. Agreeing on a movie, they relaxed on the couch.
It seemed a weight had been lifted off of Jane. She was still dressed better than she used to, but she flipped on the end of the baseball game before the movie and drank beer instead of pretending to like wine.
The end of the movie found Maura cozily wrapped in Jane's arms, with her legs across Jane's lap. Rather than holding back, as she had done before, Maura decided to assert her desires and deal with the consequences. How could she ask Jane to be honest and not do so herself?
"Jane?" she began, turning towards the brunette. "I know we said we'd table the sex conversation, and that's fine. I don't want to pressure you. But there are lots of things we can do in the meantime that aren't sex. Could we, maybe, just kiss for awhile?" Maura wasn't above giving Jane her best sexy look, in an effort to swing things her way.
Jane tilted her head slightly as she considered. "No funny business? Just kissing?" she confirmed.
Maura smiled encouragingly and nodded.
Jane's expression was one of trust, and Maura promised herself she wouldn't push any boundaries. "Of course we can kiss," was Jane's final answer.
And, oh, could Jane kiss. Now that whatever barrier between them had been lifted, Jane threw herself completely into kissing Maura. She was as focused and intense as Maura had originally imagined she would be. The kisses quickly moved past the chaste point they had been at up to now, and finally Jane's hands roamed across Maura's body. Maura was overwhelmed by the sensation of Jane's hands in her hair, caressing her back, stroking her arms, touching her face.
Maura found herself thoroughly enjoying the freedom setting limits allowed, oxymoronic as that sounded. Knowing they would go no further freed Maura to fully appreciate what they were doing without having a portion of her brain occupied with wondering what would happen next. Her eyes were closed, but she was mindful of her other senses. The taste of Jane's tongue as it entered her mouth, then encouraged hers back into Jane's, was incredible. The softness of her lips and skin was magnificent. Maura took in the smell of Jane's shampoo – subtle, but with a hint of lavender. And the sounds – the little noises Jane made threw Maura's libido into overdrive almost as much as the tactile sensations. Jane moaned when Maura deepened a kiss; she whimpered when Maura nibbled on her earlobe; she sighed when Maura scratched her scalp.
Maura's internal clock went completely offline, and she had no idea how much time had passed since what she could only define as a makeout session had begun. Eventually, their kisses slowed, then stopped. Maura took stock of the situation. They had begun sitting next to each other on the couch, but now she was stretched out underneath Jane, who was resting her head on Maura's shoulder. Maura's blouse had ridden up, and a strip of her stomach was exposed. Jane's hair was in total disarray, spilling over Maura's chest. They were both breathing a bit heavily.
"Wow," was all Maura could think to say. She felt dizzy even though she was lying down.
Jane propped herself up on an elbow and looked down at Maura. "Yeah, wow. Great idea, kissing."
"We'll have to do it again sometime soon," Maura replied hopefully.
"Now that we've started I don't think I can stop," Jane murmured, her eyes a little glassy.
"Good," Maura replied. Perhaps Jane was feeling as fuzzy as she was.
"I mean, I don't think I can stop kissing you when we're together in the future. Not that I can't stop kissing you tonight. Although I'm having a little trouble not kissing you right this very moment." Jane's eyes held Maura's as she struggled to express herself.
Yes, Jane definitely seemed to be as affected by their evening as Maura was. Tempted to tell Jane not to hold back but curious about just how long they had been doing what they had been doing, Maura brought her wrist up and broke Jane's mesmerizing gaze. 12:47?
"I don't think it's tonight anymore. Technically, it's tomorrow. Well, that's not possible – it can only ever be today. Unless you believe in time travel, which I don't. My point is, we've been kissing for almost two hours." Maura tried to think. "I don't think I've ever kissed anyone for two hours straight."
"After two hours of kissing you, I'm definitely not straight," Jane laughed.
The theorizing portion of Maura's brain wanted to capitalize on that statement and find out what Jane thought about her sexual orientation and what it meant in the context of other areas of her life, but the rest of Maura just wanted to enjoy the moment. So she just laughed as well and pulled Jane back down to rest on her chest.
"I don't want to move." Having so successfully gotten what she desired by being honest earlier in the evening, she tried again. "Stay with me the rest of the night. Don't leave."
Jane tensed in her arms but quickly relaxed again.
Afraid the answer might be no, Maura continued, "I meant what I said about not pressuring you. I'm not going to try any 'funny business.' I just want to wake up in your arms." Believing she could seal her argument she added, "Besides, we used to spend the night together with some regularity before we started dating. Why stop now?"
Jane propped herself up again and looked at Maura. "We did, didn't we? What was the deal with that? Regular best friends don't do, that, do they?" One corner of Jane's mouth turned up. "We were a little blind, eh?"
Maura laughed, mostly at herself. "I believe we were. Really, who feels the need to always tell someone things face-to-face when a phone call would be way more efficient?"
"And who invites their 'best friend' to family dinners on a regular basis?"
"And who sits that close on the couch?"
"And who runs a marathon when they hate jogging?"
Maura's grin softened into an affectionate smile. "That really was very sweet of you, Jane. You've done a lot of things you didn't like because I wanted you to."
Jane made a face. "Like yoga?"
"Exactly."
"Well, I wanted to spend time with you. And if I managed to ruin any budding relationships with creepy dudes in the process, all the better." Jane looked a little too satisfied.
"You're terrible. But you really didn't have to do anything to keep me from exploring something more with the gentlemen I dated. Having an opportunity to check you out in tank tops and tight pants distracted me from their charms."
Jane blushed and ducked her head. Maura held her for a moment, then asked quietly, "So you'll stay?"
Jane looked back up at Maura. "On one condition."
"What's that?" Maura was prepared to do just about anything to keep Jane in her arms.
"We sleep in the bed. As much fun as we've had on this couch, it doesn't make sense to stay here when there's a place I already know is more comfortable just down the hall."
"Deal," Maura immediately replied.
Maura awoke to the feeling of Jane's hand on her stomach, where it had slid underneath the t-shirt she had slept in. Jane was pressed against her back, still asleep, Maura decided as she listened to the even breathing. She savored the sensation of being cocooned in the embrace of the person she cared for most.
This was as close to a perfect moment as Maura had experienced in her life, and the realization was startling. She had known her feelings for Jane were strong, that their relationship was unlike any she'd ever had. But she'd been so caught up in trying to figure things out and move them along that she hadn't taken time to just enjoy what was happening.
Of course there were still things they needed to discuss and work through, but wouldn't there always be? That was half the fun of being with Jane – pushing each other, teasing each other, until they figured something out. But that morning, with the light beginning to shine into her bedroom and Jane's warmth all around her, she wanted nothing more than exactly what she had.
Thirty minutes later, she tried to hang on to that feeling of contentment, with Jane on top of her, kissing her like there was no tomorrow. Jane really seemed to be really into this 'just kissing' thing, and she applied herself fully. Her hands never strayed below Maura's waist or near her breasts, and her lower half never moved. Maura tried to follow suit, but it took a fair amount of concentration not to thrust against the thigh that had slipped between her own.
She wasn't sure why yet, but Jane needed this, needed to stay at this stage for the moment, and Maura was determined to be there with her. She tried to return to the feelings she had the night before, of not thinking two moves ahead, but her body wasn't on the same page. There was something inherently more intimate about being in a bed than on a couch. In an effort to make things easier on herself, she purposely slowed their kisses, rather than escalating them as she desired.
Finally disengaging her lips from Jane's, she spoke her first words of the day, "Good morning."
"It is, isn't it?" Jane's voice was huskier than usual, and Maura decided she was going to try to convince Jane to spend the night more often, if it meant she got to hear it regularly. Before Maura could contemplate why she would think a raspy voice was sexier than a smooth one, Jane had rolled off of her and sat up, looking around the room frantically.
"I forgot I have a meeting with the lieutenant first thing today! I have to go! I can't show up at work in yesterday's clothes – I'd never hear the end of it from Frost and Korsak." Jane was now picking up the clothes she had tossed on the floor when she had exchanged them for a pair of Maura's shorts and a t-shirt before getting in bed.
Maura got out of bed and put a hand on Jane's back. "Calm down. There's plenty of time. You head home and shower and change, and I'll bring you breakfast and coffee at the station."
Jane stood up and took a deep breath. "You're right. Sorry I panicked. I had a wonderful time last night, and I hate to rush out on you like this."
"It's okay. There will be other mornings." Maura's statement sounded a bit like a question to her ears.
"Right. Other mornings." Jane nodded. "Now where are my socks?"