Chapter 21
Jodi: I sat outside the school counsellor's office with Andy, John and my foster parents. This was so embarrassing, I'm just glad the counsellors office is in the old part of the school where no one goes. John and I had been to see her last week and she asked to see me again, alone. She's alright I guess but I don't like some of the questions she asks. I went to a counsellor with John when I was a kid but only three times. The counsellor called me in and Andy gave me a kiss goodbye.
Her name was Kate. Her office was pale blue, it reminded me of my room at this foster home. There were a variety of seats in the room, but I chose to sit on the beanbags in the corner. Kate moved a chair and sat opposite me.
"So, Jodi, how are feeling today?"
"Fine."
"You've been in your foster house for about two weeks now right? How's that going?"
"Fine."
"Look Jodi, I know you don't want to be here. But if you don't open up to me then you will be here for a long while."
"Whatever. Just get on with it then."
"Okay. We're going to play a word association game, just answer truthfully with the first thing that comes to mind when I say each word okay?" I nodded. She started with the word "cat".
I replied with "dog", this was easy. She continued.
"School."
"Detention."
"Love."
"Friends."
"Childhood."
"Memories."
"Memories."
"Home."
"Home."
"Hurt."
"Hurt."
"Dad."
"Dad."
"Look this is bullshit. I'm not doing this if you're just going to keep repeating the things I say."
"Okay. We can stop for now. So, can you tell me why you wanted to stop when I said dad?"
"What? No.. It's not like that. You just kept repeating everything."
"There's no need to be embarrassed Jodi. I'm here to help you. Don't lie, why did you stop when I said dad?"
I stood up. "Because he's a prick okay?! He's beaten the crap outta me for over half my life!"
"Please sit back down. I'm not here to judge." I sat down and shook my head. I can't believe I'm doing this.
"Over half of your life? So when did it start? How old were you?"
"I was five when he first hit John, seven when he first hit me, and nine when he got his blade out."
"So you remember exactly how old you were?"
"Yes I remember it. How on earth could you forget something like that?"
"Some people like to block bad memories out. Have you ever tried this?"
"Yeah I tried it. It doesn't work. It's in my mind 24/7. It's like a disease. It won't go away. It won't let me sleep. It won't let me get on with my life."
"You have problems sleeping?" She started writing notes. I nodded. "Do you ever get bad dreams about the past?"
"Sometimes."
"When? And what are they like?"
"I don't know. Whenever. They're like being back there and reliving it. They wake me up and for a second or two I think it's happening again.."
"Okay. Thank you Jodi. Now, I can't be certain as this isn't my area of expertise, but I believe you have PTSD."
"What the fuck is that?"
"Nothing to worry about. It stands for posttraumatic stress disorder. Now I'd like to call your foster parents in to discuss everything with them okay?"
"What about John and Andy?"
"Well yes they can come in too if you like." Kate left and soon returned, followed by everyone else. John and Andy sat on the beanbags either side of me. My foster parents sat on the couch by the side.
Kate looked at everyone and started to explain. "Now as I've already told Jodi, I believe she may have posttraumatic stress disorder. As I'm only a school counsellor I cannot diagnose this. So, I am referring you to Dr. Kirkman who is based in the hospital down the road. His details are on this card so all you need to do is phone and book an appointment." She handed the card to my foster mother, Jayne.
"So what will happen if she does have this posttraumatic thing?" John asked.
"Regular counselling, possibly medication. All cases are different so it's hard to tell." Kate replied.
"All cases? Is that all she is to you? Just another damn case?!" John stood up, walked out and slammed the door shut. I shook my head and followed him.
John: I walked out of the counsellors office and towards the school bleachers. Everyone was in lessons. I slammed doors and pushed everything out of my way. Eventually I reached the bleachers. I sat down and by the time I had lit a cigarette, Jodi was sat next to me.
"You ain't got anything a bit stronger?" She asked, I knew she was referring to dope.
"Nah. Left it in my bag." Both of our bags were at the counsellors office.
"Give me a cigarette then. I'm all out." I handed her one. She looked for her lighter but I guessed that was in her bag too. She put the cigarette in her mouth and looked at me. She did this cheesy grin that made her look crazy. I lit it for her. "Thanks."
"No problem sis."
"Why'd you walk outta there?"
"Didn't like it. They all saying you've got that pdts thing."
"PTSD? It's fine, I don't care."
"Well I do. Jodi, that first time he hit you, I hated myself. I felt like I failed you. All I've ever wanted to do is to stop him hitting you. I don't give a shit of he hits me, I could handle him-"
"Hey! I could handle him too" she laughed.
"You know what I mean. You're my little sister and I hate him for what he's done to you. But then, when she said you might have that thing, and it's all because of him, I hated myself again. I failed to protect you. I'm sorry." I felt like crying but I held it in a just smoked my cigarette.
"No John. Don't ever say that again! You have not failed me. You stepped into every fight you could have. You took the brunt of his anger for me. That is protecting me. John if you weren't around, dad probably would have beaten me to death long before now. I love you man, you're my brother."
"I love you too." I wiped my eyes
"Hey! Don't you get all soppy on me me or I'll have to embarrass you in front of all the guys." She laughed and I couldn't help but laugh with her.