Maura moaned into Jane's mouth as strong hands slid down her back. Maybe, just maybe this would be the time Jane crossed the invisible barrier she seemed to have set up between Maura's upper and lower halves. Maura wasn't even hoping Jane would break the plane separating her front half from her back – that would be expecting too much. But after the events of the previous weekend and the progress they'd made at work during the week, Maura thought tonight they'd finally take another step forward in their physical relationship.
Alas, it was not to be. Jane's hands stopped at the small of Maura's back and then traveled back up again. Maura pulled away from her position atop Jane and sat up on the couch. Enough was enough. If they weren't going to move forward through actions, they'd have to do it through words. They were going to have the sex talk tonight – no more stalling.
"What is it?" Jane asked, sitting up and moving her legs out from under Maura. "Did I hurt you?"
Maura took a deep breath and turned towards Jane. "No, I'm fine. Physically. But we need to talk."
"Right now? I was kind of enjoying what we were doing." Jane waggled her eyebrows, but Maura was not swayed.
"I was too. But I've been putting off this conversation for too long. I love being with you, and I love what we were just doing, but -" Maura struggled to find the right way to express her needs without sounding like a creepy teenage boy. "I have sexual desires, and I want to talk about them. I'm not saying we have to do anything about them right now, but I need to know where we stand."
Jane looked wary. "You're not going to tell me about some wacky kinks you've got or anything, are you?"
Maura successfully prevented herself from rolling her eyes. "No, this isn't about kinks, although the spectrum of healthy sexuality is broad and there's no reason to judge what people enjoy as long as no one's getting hurt. Unless, of course, they want to. And have a safe word. While I'm not averse to being adventurous in the bedroom – and out of it – I just want to talk about sex in general right now. Well, not too general. About you and me having sex. But not about the particulars." Maura shook her head. This was not the smooth introduction she had hoped for.
Jane's eyebrows furrowed and she cocked her head. "What exactly do you want to discuss?"
Maura started over. "I get the feeling you're not interested in or are afraid of moving past the point we're at, physically. You haven't made a move to take things further, and when my hands barely creep towards a particularly erogenous zone you alter their course. Like I said, I'm not trying to pressure you to do anything you're not comfortable with – I'm just trying to understand what's going on in your head."
The silence stretched on for what felt like minutes, but Maura was determined to get Jane to talk about the issue, so she resisted the temptation to fill it. Jane finally spoke, but she didn't make eye contact, and the six inches between them suddenly felt like six miles.
"I know you've been with a lot of people and that you're fine with releasing endorphins or whatever just for the fun of it, but that's not me. I don't sleep with someone I barely know or like just for the brain chemical benefits."
Jane's words stung. Maura took her time in responding so as not to lash out, but she wanted to. How dare Jane pass judgment? For Jane's sake, Maura hoped there was something else underneath this unpleasantness.
Maura gently lifted Jane's chin so their eyes met, not so they could reconnect but so Jane could see the pain her words had caused.
"I thought you knew – and liked – me better than anyone else. So I fail to see how either of our attitudes towards casual sex is relevant to this conversation. We're talking about sex in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. Assuming we're in one."
Jane covered her face with her hands. When she removed them there were tears in her eyes. "Absolutely. Yes, we're in a committed monogamous relationship. Unless you can't forgive me for being an ass. I'm so sorry. There's probably some psychological term for what I just did, but I took my issues and twisted them around and put them on you. That wasn't fair. You've been so patient with me and instead of being grateful I hurt you."
Maura rested her hand on Jane's leg and tried to turn her expression into one of sympathy. "What exactly are your 'issues'?"
Jane's eyes roamed the room, looking anywhere but at Maura. They finally stopped on the front door, which Maura did not take for a good sign.
"I don't think I'm very good at sex." Jane finally said.
Maura wanted to respond immediately, to start asking questions that would elucidate Jane's statement, but she waited, allowing Jane to continue.
"Maybe I'm a little intimidated by the fact that you've been with a fair number of people, and I'm scared I won't measure up. And, no, lest I offend you further tonight, I don't think you're so shallow that you would dump me just because I'm bad in the sack, but it wouldn't exactly do wonders for our relationship."
When the silence started to feel uncomfortable, Maura spoke up.
"Neither how many people I've been with nor your experiences in the past has to have any bearing on whether or not you and I can please each other. With good communication we can learn together. But I'd like to know more about why you think you're not good at sex. Not to open up a sore subject, but to understand you better."
Maura began to rearrange herself on the couch. "I know it can be challenging to open up when someone is looking at you, so why don't you lean against me and tell me your story?"
Jane gave her a funny look but did as she was asked. "This is like the weirdest shrink session ever."
Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist and spoke softly into her ear. "It would definitely breach ethical boundaries if you were actually my client. But you're not – you're my girlfriend and my best friend and I think it's totally appropriate for me to hold you while you talk about something difficult."
Jane rested in Maura's arms for a few minutes before beginning her narrative. "After I finished junior college I went straight into the academy. I was one of the few women there, and it didn't take long for the word 'dyke' to start being thrown around. I know it may seem stupid now and that practically everyone's bi-curious these days, but this was almost twenty years ago. If I didn't want to sit at a desk and push papers my whole career I'd have to be at least as good as the men without making them think I wanted to steal their girlfriends. So I found the beefiest, manliest trainee in my class and slept with him after a couple of obligatory dates. It was my first time."
Maura's arms tightened around Jane but she didn't interrupt.
"It wasn't traumatic or anything – don't assume the worst. I wanted to have sex with him. At least, I wanted to want to. And he was as nice as a horny 22-year-old can be in the situation. When he bragged to all his friends that he had nailed me I was fine with it. It stopped the rumors, at least for the rest of my time at the academy."
Jane signed and continued, "But looking back, the whole experience left me empty. Despite my worries about being perceived as a lesbian, I never did that again. I might sacrifice my body for my job in other ways, but not like that. I meant what I said earlier, even if I said it poorly. It's not only that I don't have much experience with sex – I also want it to be meaningful. Call me old-fashioned, but the thought of just jumping into bed with a virtual stranger leaves me cold.
"Aw, Jane, you're a closet romantic. I would never have guessed." Maura was oddly delighted. Jane's attitude towards sex might be the polar opposite of her own, but there was something… gentlewomanly about it. "So what – or who, should I say – happened next?"
Jane laced her fingers through Maura's. "A couple of years later I started dating this guy Danny, from my softball team. We were together for almost a year. He was nice and sweet, and I really cared about him. Then he cheated on me with a blonde bimbo with big boobs. I thought the sex was okay, but he told me when he dumped me that it was like being with his sister."
"Maybe his sister was good in bed," Maura opined.
"What? Ew, gross. He didn't even actually have a sister." Jane sputtered.
Maura couldn't help chuckling.
"Wait. Was that a joke? You are evil." Jane's curls brushed against Maura's cheek as she shook her head.
"I just thought a moment of levity would help take your mind off an upsetting anecdote."
The sound Jane emitted could only be described as a harrumph.
"So what next?"
"I met this guy at the Dirty Robber a few years after Danny. I know, getting picked up in a bar is so cliché. Patrick was friends with a colleague in my division so it wasn't that shady. Things were good at first – we had a lot of common interests, and his family was as wacky as mine. But once we finally had sex he started getting all creepy about handcuffs and my gun and junk like that. I later found out I was hardly the first cop he had dated. Nobody bothered to warn me he got off on the whole police officer routine."
"And after that?"
Jane shrugged. "After that, well, I went on a fair number of dates. But nobody ever seemed worth seeing more than a couple of times."
"All men?" Maura never liked to assume.
"Yeah." Jane nodded.
Maura was curious. "Were there any women you would have dated if you felt free to do so?"
"No. Yes. Maybe. There was this attorney I used to interact with regularly when I worked in Vice. She was funny. And pretty. But I was never sure if she was actually flirting with me or just being nice."
"So she didn't spend the night in your bed or come to family gatherings as your plus one?"
Jane shook her head. "Ha. No, I didn't see her outside of work."
Maura considered all that Jane had told her, tonight and in their previous conversations. Internalized homophobia was no small thing to let go of, and Jane's fear of a negative impact on her career certainly explained her discomfort with the idea of people discussing her sexuality. Really, Maura decided, she should be impressed they had gotten as far as they had, rather than lamenting they hadn't gone further.
"So after all these years of not connecting with men and not taking the initiative with women, how did you manage to be the one to admit you had feelings for me?" Maura couldn't help giving Jane a kiss on the tempting patch of skin exposed above her collar.
Jane shivered at the touch. "If I'd have known being with you would feel like this, I'd have told you sooner." She paused, then answered the question. "I suppose enough time had passed since my academy days that I stopped being quite so freaked out about how people saw me."
"Quite being the operative word," Maura interjected.
"Hmpf. I guess I also felt I had earned the respect of my colleagues and that my work stood for itself."
Jane sat up and turned around in Maura's arms to face her. "But most of all, I had never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I was so drawn to you – it's like I couldn't stop myself from coming to talk to you in the morgue or asking you to hang out with me after work. At first I tried not to, especially because I thought there was no way you'd be interested in spending time with me, but then you kept saying yes."
Maura took Jane's face in her hands and gave her a soft kiss. "No matter what anyone says, you're not crotchety – you're sweet." Jane smiled and rolled her eyes. "I'm so glad you broke through my barriers. It wasn't my usual modus operandi to socialize, but I felt drawn to you too. For the first time, I really understood the idea of 'attraction'. It's magnetic. There was a pull I couldn't escape and didn't want to."
Maura felt a mutual understanding as they looked into each others' eyes. Like magnets, they moved towards each other – their lips meeting, their arms and legs tightening around each other. Maura was tempted to let go and get lost in the sensations, but she had one more question.
Leaning back so she could make eye contact again, she asked, "So if you haven't had sex in a few years, have you at least masturbated?"
Jane spluttered and pulled away further. "What? Why? Do we have to talk about that?"
Maura put her arm around Jane's back and rested her head on her shoulder. "I think we do. We still haven't gotten to the bottom of why you've been reluctant to escalate our physical relationship."
"Fine. Yes." Jane felt tense.
"Yes what?" Maura had to ask.
Jane threw up her hands. "Yes, I've…you know."
Maura felt it prudent not to push the issue of Jane's discomfort with using accurate terminology. Better to focus on the overall topic than to insist on preciseness. "So when you're alone and there's no one to judge you, what do you think about? Who do you think about?"
A sigh escaped Jane's lips. "No one, really. Maybe just a vague form."
"A female one?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Did you ever think about me?" Maura thought the idea was particularly arousing, but Jane didn't seem to agree.
"No! I wouldn't do that – it would be disrespectful." Jane looked horrified.
"Fantasizing about the person you have feelings for is disrespectful?" Jane's gentlewomanliness went to a whole new level.
"It didn't seem right to think about you that way if you didn't feel the same."
"So you had strong feelings for me but repressed the sexual element of them." Maura may not have had a background in psychology, but this was starting to make sense.
"That's not exactly how I'd have said it, but sure. It was like these wonderful feelings of attraction were immediately followed by pain. I wanted you, but I thought we could never be together, and that hurt. So I tried not to think about you in that way."
"And once we got together, you didn't feel free to let your imagination – and libido – run wild?" Maura wiggled her eyebrows and gave Jane her best leer.
Jane rolled her eyes. "I didn't. I was so stunned we were even together and so afraid of messing things up." She pondered a moment. "And I guess I got used to the good feelings being tied up with the bad. Stupid, eh?"
"Not stupid. Unusual, perhaps, but this is going to be easier to remedy than I thought. You've conditioned yourself not to experience sexual attraction to me." Maura was quite proud of her diagnosis.
"What am I, Pavlov's dog?"
Maura raised her eyebrows.
"Hey, I may have only gone to junior college, but I learned a few things." Jane looked mildly offended.
"I didn't say anything. And you're close – Pavlov studied classical conditioning. This is operant conditioning – positive punishment."
Jane's forehead wrinkled. "It doesn't feel very positive."
"Positive is meant in the sense of adding an aversive stimulus –"
Jane cut her off. "Yeah, yeah, spare me the mumbo jumbo, doc. How do we fix it?"
"You do want to fix it?" Maura confirmed.
Jane took a deep breath. "I may have an unusual sexual history and a complete lack of confidence in my ability to do things right when we get there, but I absolutely want to. Maura, I know how lucky I am to be with you, and I – I want – to make you feel good. Great. Wonderful."
Appreciating the openness Jane had shown all evening, Maura had to do the same. "I want the same thing. For both of us. You know I've had sex that didn't involve a meaningful emotional connection, but with you it wouldn't be about that. It would have immense meaning. Whatever happens couldn't not feel wonderful because it will be between us in the context of our full, complete relationship." Despite the use of a double negative, Maura thought there was no better way to explain her feelings.
Jane's shoulders relaxed and she intertwined her fingers with Maura's. "So, how do we get there?"
Spreadsheet Maura reared her ugly head over the next few days. For all her pretty words about emotional connections, in the privacy of her own room she realized she was going to have to forge a trail she'd never actually been down herself. Like Jane, the intensity of her feelings was unlike she'd had for anyone else. Sure, she knew how to enjoy sex, how to instruct another person in the ways to give her pleasure, but that's not how she wanted to be with Jane. She imagined the pleasure would come as much from the fact that she was with Jane than exactly what Jane was doing.
Her first instinct was to approach this logically, to clinically recondition Jane, but as she saw herself coaching Jane to routinely replace her negative thoughts with positive ones, she knew there was nothing sexy about that. She would try to do what Jane would do – go with her instincts, be open, have fun. She took a deep breath and dialed Jane's number.
"Rizzoli." Jane's sexy voice was certainly going to provide inspiration.
"What are you wearing?" It was cliché, but it was as good a place to start as any.
"Maura? Why do you ask? I'm in jeans and a t-shirt. Do you need something?"
Maura sighed. This might be harder than she anticipated. "I'm wearing a silk negligee." Maura wasn't so impulsive that she neglected to ensure she didn't have to lie. She ran her hand across the shiny material covering her stomach. "It's blue, your favorite color. I'm lying in bed thinking about you."
"I see. I mean, I comprehend. I'm not outside your window peeping in. I'm sitting on my couch watching the game."
"Pity. If you were here, you'd see how low cut it is."
Silence replaced the cheering crowd Maura could hear through the phone. Jane must have at least muted the action. "Really? Hey, wait – are we about to have phone sex?"
Maura considered. "I don't know. I didn't really have a plan when I called. I just wanted to start your reconditioning, and I thought maybe giving you assistance in thinking about me in a sexual way would get the ball rolling, so to speak."
"Wow. Um, okay. What next?"
"Well, I could tell you what I sometimes do when I'm alone and wishing we were together. Perhaps if you hear how much I want you, it'll override whatever's been holding you back from letting yourself want me."'
"You do, uh, something when you're alone?"
"Yes, Jane." Maura's hand slid down her thigh.
"And you think about me?"
"Oh, yes." It slid back up again.
"What, exactly, do you do?"
"Well, sometimes, I touch my breasts. The feel of the silk on my nipples is delightful." In ever-narrowing circles, Maura's fingers made their way to hardening points. Her breath caught.
"Oh god, are you actually touching yourself now?"
"Mm hm. I like to imagine it's your palm cupping me, your fingers giving me light pinches."
Maura could hear Jane's breathing through the phone. If the detective still had the game on in the background and the Red Sox just scored a run she was going to be mad. Somehow, though, she was pretty sure it was her words causing Jane's increased respiration.
"Now your hand is sliding underneath my slip, and you find I'm not wearing underwear. I imagine it's you discovering how wet I am." And she was – very wet. "I want you to imagine me touching you. Do you feel like you could be my surrogate since I'm not there? Could you touch yourself like you would want me to touch you?"
Jane's moan was inarticulate, but Maura took it as a sign of progress.
"What are you doing? Tell me, so I can do it myself someday soon." Maura hoped she hadn't switched gears too soon, asking Jane to be the one to share her fantasies, but she was counting on Jane's libido to override her inhibitions.
"I'm – I'm touching my – chest." Jane managed.
"And does it feel good?"
"It does."
Maura's eyes closed as she imagined the scene. "How do your nipples like to be touched? Would you want my mouth on them?"
"Geez, Maura, you're going to kill me!" Jane's voice was unusually high-pitched.
"They do call orgasm le petite mort – the little death." Maura couldn't help sharing that factoid.
"That's sort of creepy coming from a medical examiner."
Maura would not be derailed. "That's not an answer to my question, Jane. And don't pretend you don't remember what it was."
"Yes. Yes, I would want that."
"I want that, too. So much. What about lower? Would you want my mouth there?"
Now Jane's tone was deeper, that whiskey-tinged timber that always aroused Maura. "Oh yeah, baby. I would so want that."
With her fingers still slipping through her wetness, Maura found herself less and less able to concentrate on the conversation. What started out as an exercise on behalf of Jane was rapidly turning into something quite enjoyable for herself. She slowed her movements, then retracted her hand. She didn't want to push Jane too far too fast.
After a calming breath, she said, "Whenever you're ready, Jane. We can make that a reality."
Jane blew out a breath. "You're incredible, Maura. Soon, I promise it will be soon."
"Good night. Sleep well."
"You too."
"Cause of death was an overdose of methamphetamines." Maura handed over the results of the toxicology screen to Korsak, who thanked her and began perusing them.
"Now we just have to figure out how to prove it wasn't an accident – that his wife helped him along so she could be with her new boyfriend." Frost shook his head. Apparently the whole team's intestines were telling them it was murder, but Maura had yet to find any physical evidence on the body that confirmed it. Determined to keep trying, she turned to head back to the morgue.
Only a few steps into her journey, she was intercepted by Jane, returning from executing a search warrant on the deceased's storage unit.
"Anything?" Korsak asked, looking up from the tox report.
Jane's eyes were on the cleavage displayed by Maura's shirt. "Uh, yeah. I'll catch you guys up in a minute. Right now I need to talk to Maura about something."
Maura didn't miss the amused look exchanged between Jane's current and former partners. The detective's announcement of their relationship the week before was met with a "yeah, and?" from the two men. Apparently Frankie was almost as big of a gossip as his mother. They had taken to gently teasing Maura about her poor choice in significant others and expressing their disbelief that Jane could be so lucky.
Maura was flattered and enjoyed feeling included in their circle in a way she hadn't before. Jane pretended to be annoyed at the ribbings she got, but Maura could tell a part of her loved it. It was a relief to be able to hold hands when they all went out for drinks at the Dirty Robber and to no longer have to make excuses about why they were going home together.
"Right Jane. You two go talk." Korsak shook his head.
For all Jane's skills of perception, she seemed to be a little short-circuited at the moment. She didn't even respond to the innuendo, simply turning on her heels and clearly expecting Maura to follow her.
Maura knew what was coming. What she didn't know was why she had continued to allow it just about every other day for the past two weeks. It was exceedingly inappropriate, and others had obviously caught on. But her body betrayed her brain and her feet carried her out into the hallway.
Jane pulled her into the empty interrogation room and locked the door. Pushing Maura up against the wall, her mouth descended on the doctor's neck, then moved to nibble on her ear. Her hands were everywhere – in Maura's hair, trailing down her arm, sliding up her stomach, cupping her breast. When a thumb flicked over an already hardened point, Maura's head slammed back into the wall. She had always assumed the sensitivity of that part of her anatomy was within the normal parameters, but since she and Jane had finally gotten to, as Jane called it – 'second base,' it was like there was an electrical connection between her nipples and her clitoris. Probably because the latter still wasn't getting any direct stimulation.
As Jane's tongue plundered her mouth, Maura decided the dopamine her brain was releasing during these encounters was turning her into the equivalent of a drug addict. She craved it, even as she knew she shouldn't be doing it. What would her mother think if she saw them?
Thoughts of being caught by her mother temporarily broke the spell and gave Maura the mental motivation to pull away, lowering the leg she had wrapped around Jane's waist and removing Jane's hand from her gluteus maximus. Panting, she put a hand on Jane's chest to keep her from starting up again.
"Jane. I can't believe after wanting to move things forward for so long that I'm pushing you away, but we have to stop this. I've never been so unprofessional."
"I know." Jane rubbed her forehead and took a step back. "I know," she repeated. "It's just –"
"My animal magnetism?" Maura smiled. She didn't want Jane to feel rejected – they just had to get a handle on these insane at-work groping sessions.
Maura turned on the light and sat down in one of the chairs at the table in the middle of the room, gesturing for Jane to do the same.
"Whatever this is, it's ridiculously hot. Don't get me wrong. But I can't be successful in my job when I'm so distracted by our…unfinished business." She looked at Jane. "Aren't you affected by this?"
"Of course. It's a good thing I'm not a guy or I'd –"
"I get it, Jane. Not the visual I'm looking for right now." Maura gestured for Jane to continue.
Jane flashed a penitent smile. "And it's not that I get off on messing around at work. I promise I have absolutely no secret desire to get caught by the lieutenant or something."
"Another visual I didn't need," Maura interjected.
Jane leaned back in her chair. "I actually feel oddly safe. It's like I know we can only go so far when we're here, so I can let go of the part of me that's insecure and enjoy what we're doing."
Bizarre as the situation was, Maura couldn't help smiling. "You may think we can only go so far when we're at work, but if we keep this up our first time may be me accidentally climaxing in the ladies' room or whatever strange place you drag me off to next."
Jane looked chagrined but a little proud. "I'm sorry, Maur. I've been so focused on myself and what I am and am not comfortable with that I haven't considered what this is doing to you. You've been so wonderful and patient, and –"
"It's okay, Jane." Jane didn't speak, but her expression was doubtful. "Really. There's something wonderful about fully experiencing every step along the way. And if we rushed things and you weren't really ready I imagine it would set things back further. It doesn't matter that I'm confident sex with you will be wonderful. You have to believe it."
An idea came to Maura. The timing was terrible, but she had already stepped more than a toe across the line of professionalism, so she decided she may as well throw herself all the way over.
She raised one eyebrow. "I think I know a way to help convince you." She stood and walked around the table to stand next to Jane, who turned in her seat to face Maura. The eye contact was electrifying. Grasping Jane's hand, she put it on her heart.
"Do you feel that? How elevated my heart rate is? That's what you do just by looking at me."
Jane swallowed hard.
Shifting Jane's hand, she held it over her breast. "Do you feel that? How hard my nipple is? That's what you do by kissing me."
Taking a deep breath, she guided Jane's hand to the top of her skirt. Maura had a moment of indecision. She let go of Jane and slid her own hand underneath the garment. Her eyes fluttered shut. She pulled her hand back out, her fingers glistening.
"Do you see that? How wet I am? That's what you do by touching me."
The detective's eyes were riveted on Maura. As much as she wanted to offer her fingers to Jane, she instead slipped them into her own mouth.
A whimper escaped Jane. She stood suddenly, pulling Maura to her and replacing the doctor's fingers with her lips. The whimper turned into a moan as the kiss deepened.
"I'm ready," Jane whispered. "I'm so ready."
Maura laughed softly and pulled back. "Turned on as I am, this is neither the place nor time to take the next step."
Jane smiled and buried her face in Maura's neck. "Says you. You didn't let me vote."
They looked into each others' eyes, and Maura savored the moment. Perhaps instead of trying so hard not to push Jane, she should have shown her how much she wanted her, should have tried to boost her confidence. It didn't matter now. Now, Maura felt the last barrier had come down. She shivered as she realized what that meant. Finally, she could communicate with her body what she hoped she had been communicating with her words – how much she cared about Jane, how committed she was to their relationship.
"We'd better get out of here before my libido overrides my sense of decorum and I tear all your clothes off right here," Maura said as she pulled Jane towards the door.
"Pass the bread, Ma," Jane requested across the table.
"Say please, Janie. Geez, you'd think I raised you in a barn," Angela replied.
"Pleeeease pass the bread," Jane tried again.
Maura turned from her conversation with Frank and Frankie about the best route to Northampton and squeezed Jane's leg.
"Did you know the word 'please' is derived from the Latin word 'placere,' from which the words 'placate' and 'appease' were also derived?" she shared.
"Fitting, isn't it?" Jane muttered.
"So you gals are heading out of town for the weekend, eh?" Angela asked. "Doing anything special?"
Maura hoped the blush she felt wasn't noticeable. Sometimes her fair skin was a curse. They were most definitely doing something special that weekend.
Jane's reaction was no better. She choked on the water she had just drunk, sputtering and coughing.
"Are you okay, Jane?" her father asked in concern.
"Yeah, Pop, I'm fine," Jane managed. Clearly her mind was in the same place as Maura's.
Naked, in bed, at a quaint little B&B…
Maura did her best to get the conversation back on track. "Leaf peeping," she announced.
Jane started choking again; Angela's eyebrows wrinkled; Frank's expression was baffled, and Frankie looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than the Rizzoli family dinner table. Apparently not the right statement.
Maura looked around the table as she tried to clarify. "The leaves are starting to change color – it should be a lovely weekend to observe them."
Everyone nodded collectively. "I think I heard of that. Remember that thing on the news, Frank?" Angela addressed her husband.
"Yeah, yeah. That thing on the news." Frank still looked a little confused.
Frankie opened his mouth to speak, but a look from Jane silenced him. He settled for a smirk and went back to his mashed potatoes.
"Hiking," Jane finally spoke up, "We're going hiking."
"My mom asks you what we're doing on the weekend we have plans to finally do it, and the best you could come up with is 'leaf peeping'?" Jane opened the car door for Maura as they left the Rizzolis' to begin their two-hour drive west.
"Well you were busy choking on your beverage, so I had to improvise. And you know how bad I am at that," Maura responded as Jane buckled her seat belt and started the car.
"At least we're not going to Provincetown, like you suggested. That would have made it even more obvious." Jane shook her head.
"I thought you might be more comfortable spending time where there are more…people like us." Maura thought her word choice was an excellent way to avoid Jane's issues with labels.
"Hey, I stopped freaking out about strangers knowing we're a couple weeks ago. Besides, I think I'd just feel more pressure that I wouldn't measure up, with all those experienced people like us walking around."
Maura wasn't surprised Jane hadn't fully conquered her insecurities. "And if things went poorly I'd run out of the room and grab the nearest woman in flannel to fulfill my sexual desires?"
Jane laughed. "It doesn't hurt that our B&B in Northampton is a little bit out of the way."
"In all seriousness, Jane, how are you feeling about this weekend?" Maura reached over and took Jane's free hand in hers.
"Mostly excited," she gave Maura's hand a squeeze, "but still a little bit nervous. I'm trying to do what you said – stop dwelling on the past and focus on us. All that old stuff still creeps in sometimes."
"I'm quite certain after this weekend your insecurities will be gone, and you know I don't speculate. That's not to add more pressure – only to convince you whatever happens is going to be wonderful."
"I know, I really do. And, hey, maybe if we're lucky we'll find out that after all these years of repression I'm a tiger in the sack."
They exchanged a smile before Jane turned her attention back to the highway.
Maura took advantage of the comfortable silence that ensued to assess her own feelings about their plans for the weekend. While it was easy to get lost in fantasies of finally consummating their relationship, when she thought about it more closely she realized her primary concern was for Jane. It didn't hurt that paramount to banishing Jane's demons was Maura achieving orgasm, but Maura was also determined to bring Jane as much pleasure as possible. Showing how much she cared was her overarching goal, not physical gratification.
Her feelings for Jane, long-buried out of self-preservation, had taken their time in fully surfacing. She realized that now. All that space she gave Jane, ostensibly out of concern for the detective's fears of moving too fast, had been a way to give herself time to adjust. The relationships she attempted that went beyond just physical had never been very successful. She always participated in them with a clinical detachment, assessing them logically and making decisions based on reason.
With Jane, everything was different - she was unlike anyone Maura had ever met. Maura was not given to sentimentalism, but she couldn't shake the thought that she and Jane were like two halves of a whole. They were just better together. She could no longer imagine her life without Jane by her side, experiencing it as a couple.
"Jane?" she broke the silence.
"Yeah, Maur?" Jane briefly glanced at her.
"I love you," she said simply.
Jane took her eyes off the road to lock eyes with Maura, her smile wide.
"I love you too."
Epilogue
Maura awoke shortly after dawn, the first rays of sunlight streaming in through the eastern window of the quaintly decorated room they had rented. Propping her head on her hand, she looked down at Jane, still sleeping soundly. I guess I wore her out. The voice in Maura's head was a tad smug.
The previous night had been incredible. Not because the orgasms had been earth-shattering, although some of them had been, but because she had felt so connected to Jane. Tempting as it would have been to coast on the sheer amount of hormones flowing through the two of them, they took the time to communicate. She didn't want Jane to have to guess if what she was doing felt good to Maura, so she was more vocal than usual. That, in turn, seemed to both turn Jane on and give her confidence to do the same. It was a good thing no one had rented the room next to theirs.
Maura couldn't resist the temptation of Jane's bare shoulder, so she gave in and kissed it lightly. Jane's eyes fluttered open and locked with Maura's.
"Good morning, gorgeous." Maura leaned down and pressed her lips gently against Jane's. Jane returned the kiss, pulling Maura on top of her, their still-naked bodies intertwining.
"Great morning," Jane finally replied when they paused to take a breath.
"And last night – great doesn't even begin to describe it." Although Maura was virtually certain Jane was well aware of Maura's enjoyment of their activities the night before, she wasn't going to make the mistake of holding back again. Besides, any stroking of Jane's ego was well-deserved. Tiger in the sack, indeed.
Jane's expression transitioned from one of bashfulness to wide-eyed innocence. "Yeah, why didn't we do that sooner?"