A Typical Phineas & Ferb Episode
By HeroineCruor
Intro
It's summer vacation, and you can do a lot of imaginative things!
But in actuality, you can't, because you are not cartoon characters bound to our physics and precocious cunning! Real life's a bitch, huh? Now, be prepared to get this fact further shoved down your throats for solid 20 minutes!
Introduction
Phineas: Hello, I'm Phineas Flynn and my head is shaped like a nacho. I like doing impossible things, along with my best friend and step-brother Ferb Fletcher!
Ferb: …
Phineas: Ah, you see, he's more a man of action, so he doesn't talk much-
Ferb: Fuck you all.
Phineas: …and there's a good reason he doesn't. Anyway, as I said before, we're stepbrothers, so we're not actually related by blood; my mom and his dad married each other. We have no idea where our respective missing parents could've gone so… (beat) Wait, you're not taking notes for future fanfiction, are you?
Fans: Duh!
Phineas and Ferb are leaning against their traditional musing tree.
"Uhh, why does the bark have to be so freaking hard?"
Candace comes out to their backyard.
"So, mom put me in charge because she left to screw the social worker…anyway, don't do anything stupid, or I'll tell mom about how much fun you're having!" Candace warns and flips up her phone.
"I'm now gonna talk with a friend on the phone, because I'm still THE bratty teenage daughter. I'm going to talk for a looooong time and be distracted as hell…I warn you one last time, don't do anything stupid!" She says and leaves. They can hear her yell from the house: "I'm being distracted!"
"Pfft, Candace is such a non-imaginative loser." Phineas sighs and then something random happens that springs into mind. "Hey, I know! Let's do INSERT IDEA HERE for this episode's plot!"
Ferb wonders silently why he can never have any ideas. Silence meant intelligence in Japan, so…?
"Although it happens to be dangerous and may put Candace into trouble, let's do it anyway because putting our fun before anyone else's issues is more important!" Phineas yells and hops up to his feet.
Ferb is silent.
"Oh man, you're so much fun to be around!" Phineas praises.
Fans: Sooo…who are we supposed to root for?
"Hey, Phineas." Isabella says in an obviously affectionate manner.
"Oh, hi Isabella!" He answers as if she was a dude.
"Whatcha doooooooooooooooin'….baby?" She's trying to be as obvious as possible.
"Oh, me and Ferb are doing this random thing for the day." He explained.
"Cool! A random thing! Maybe if I help you it'll finally make you realize I'm a really sweet girl and have you return my feelings!"
"Sah-weet, we could need help!" Phineas exclaims, and the next minute he's throwing overly large cartoony piles of random junk in Isabella's arms. "Do whatever this is for 24 hours straight."
"Of course, my hero!" She swoons, buried under the thingamajigs.
Phinabella fans: MAKE BABIES ALREADY.
"Hey, where's Perry? If I had a quarter every time I asked that..." Phineas asks.
We're shown Perry going full-blown CHUCK NORRIS and head through some SECRET PASSAGEWAY SOMEWHERE. He comes down to his secret agent lab where the leader of a SECRET AGENT DEPARTMENT gives him a mission via monitor.
'Our electric bill must be higher than Wiz Khalifa.' Perry thinks.
"Blah, blah, blah, bug Doofenshmirtz, that German scientist who's evil and gives this show underlying racism tones." His leader says.
Perry salutes him and follows the order. He does super JAMES BONDY-INDIANA JONESY THINGS and ends up in Doof Evil Inc due to his BADASSNESS.
"Ahh, Perry!" Doof says and rubs his hands greedily. Perry's badassery suddenly fades drastically to have the plot function and is therefore tied up by some machine Doof made.
Perry raises an eyebrow.
"Oh, I'm just tired of saying 'the platypus', since like, you're the only Perry I know, and it's easier to say your first name. You know what I mean?"
Perry stares at him blankly.
"You like it? No? Okay, then PERRY THE PLATYPUS, mein gott do I really need the effort of saying that? Behold", a drumroll could be heard, "my SOMETHING-INATOR! With this thing, I'll ease some traumatic childhood experience that has nothing to do with anything actually evil!"
Fans: Are we…supposed to hate him?
Writers: We are trying the Roadrunner-Wile E. Coyote dynamic. We hope it works.
Perry escapes due to sudden increase in wit, by sheer luck of time and position of items. In the process, he also stops Doof's plans. Did we mention he's freaking BADASS?
"Curse yoouuu, Perry!...The Platypus!" Doof screams as he's being sent of somewhere due to his ineffectuality. He lands in some mud somewhere and mutters to himself. "Maybe if I didn't do the same mistake over and over I could succeed…nah, back to being the same clumsy buffoon as always." He concluded.
Isabella tries in every way possible to make Phineas notice that she's got a crush on him, including SAYING IT STRAIGHT TO HIS FACE, WOOING HIM, COMPLIMENTING HIM OR SOMETHING SIMILAR.
"I'll now interpret every advance you're making BUT you having a crush on me, since you saying those things because the Queen of Hearts from Candy Wonderland threatened you to do so is more logical."
"Phineas, I'm in love with you."
"I'm sorry, I don't speak your language." Phineas said.
"I want us to have sex!" Isabella tries in an even more desperate tone.
"This dialing service is out of order."
"Grrr! You're hopeless! But despite this; I'll try to woo you by the next episode, probably when I've calmed down over your naiveté. Or that our memory has reset to the status quo."
"Good luck, you'll need that." He waved blissfully to Isabella's back who were stomping away aggressively.
Phinabella fans: *Eating ice-cream and crying*
"Since we're Disney, we will now sing some catchy song that will never get out of your head!" Phineas shouts.
Fans: AAHHH! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!
Perry stands by Phineas and Ferb.
"Oh, there you are, Perry. I will never ask why this sudden disappearance and reappearance is." Phineas says.
Fans: Then instead ask why you own a PLATYPUS?
Doofenshmirtz instroduces his super hot daughter Vanessa to the audience.
"Look at my cute daughter! Sooner or later someone younger who's a main character is going to want to tap her-"
Ferb purrs.
"Ah, there he is."
Ferbnessa Fans: *frantically writes notes for fanfics*
Candace is on her usual escapades on trying to convince her mom that her brothers are HAVING FUN….huh, I think that just sank in.
"Mom! MOOOM! MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAHHM!" Candace shouted like Cartman.
"What is it honey?" Linda asked, unconcerned about her daughter's behavior.
"You should see what Phineas and Ferb are doing!"
"Okay, I will come and see. Even though I think you're as crazy as usual, I will still try to believe you and check with you."
"Huh…why?"
"I'm not too hot about 'The Boy who Cried Wolf' theories."
Just as Candace shows her mom what they're doing, they magically disappear. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. Linda watches on in disbelief as Candace stands there dumbfounded.
"I'm starting to reconsider my choices. I think you need a therapist young lady." Linda says.
Candace chokes a sob, thinking this whole thing is getting to her.
"Yeah, I think so too." She agreed for different reasons.
Fans: Maybe we aren't supposed to dislike anyone in the show in the first place.
Writers: It's our goal…we think.
Candace spots Jeremy somewhere and gasps with glitter in her eyes. He sees her too and greets her.
"Hi, Candace. Your weird and manic behaviour are the most attractive traits on this planet. I would ask you out, but we will wait two seasons for that."
"It's alright. I'll just use my hand 'til then." Candace answers dreamily, as she holds up a sock puppet resembling Jeremy.
Before you ask, Jeremy is NOT a jerk, because this show is enjoying being hipster and squeezing money for Disney's coffee breaks they must consume to make the real Disney movies. To bad the next one didn't come out until 2009.
Canderemy fans: *taking notes so eagerly they break the paper in half* Oops.
Some random guy who's helping Phineas and Ferb's entrepreneur activity function offer them a lifetime of money and fame, but of course, they decline, because this is an underlying Aesop attributed by cartoonists who don't get high enough salary and want to label rich people as idiots.
"No, we want to still be kids. We don't want to end up like Miley Cyrus." Phineas assured, before heading out with Ferb.
"Man, it was so fun trolling the businesses! Hey, Ferb, what's your line of the episode?"
"This bloody shite kicked arse, mate." Ferb said deadpanned, ignoring fangirl shrieks in the background. Phineas chuckled.
"I agree, buddy. I agree. Now, let's brainstorm on what we can do for the next episode."
Fans: Phineas is an American, naïve boy who speaks a lot, and Ferb's a British who rarely speaks but seems sophisticated when he does. Are there any hidden implications?
Writers: Don't think too hard. This is a cartoon, not news feed.
Fans: You're such killjoys.
THE END
A/N: Me: I'm probably going to edit the hell out of this later. I wasn't proud how this came to be. I'm normally much more clever than this. Look at my 'Twilight' and 'Gravity Falls' parodies, they're way better.
Man, I've only been watching the first half of season 1, so if something doesn't add up, I'm sorry. Also, I make no profit out of this fanfic, so no copyright infringement is intended. I want to apologize for everyone who got mad too. I was just joking, try not to take it to the heart.
Well, good day!
Phineas: Review if you want!
Me: Umm...aren't you-
Phineas: -too young to browse your archive? Why, yes. Yes I am.
Me: I was going to say that you technically can't read my work...you're a cartoon character! Man, your line has become so cliché in your own show!
Phineas: Great minds think unlike, huh?
Me: Technically, you don't have-
Phineas: Yeah. Go on. Rub reality in my face.
Me: ...whatever.
Ferb: Your amateur fashion of writing makes the effort of other writers more prominent.
Me: Thanks for being insensitive.
Ferb: Welcome.
Me: ...do me a favor and tell me what you think. Of course, you can choose to do the favor or not...please do the favor? *puppy dog eyes*