"Agent Romanoff, I've read your report. I have a few questions." Hill waved her to a seat in the debriefing room.
Natasha made sure that her movements were fluid as she crossed the room, pushing back a wave of exhaustion. Bruce Banner used mantras to help him face the world. She had one, too. "Never let them know you have a weakness." When she left Hill she would return to Stark Tower, find Barton, let herself slump against him and finally stand down.
Barton wasn't part of "them." He was "us."
She elaborated on her report, and they discussed the direction the Hand was taking, and what countermeasures S.H.I.E.L.D. could put in place to monitor and nullify their strategies.
"Good work, Agent," Hill said coolly. "You'll return to your primary assignment with the Avenger's Initiative. Some of them are on board; they should be returning to Manhattan within a couple of hours."
"Which ones are here?" She stifled the urge to yawn.
"Captain Rogers, Agent Barton, and Stark. Barton is seeing a psychologist, and Stark is doing engineering. Captain Rogers met with Fury earlier, but he's on his own time now."
"Is that all, then, Assistant Director?"
"No." Hill said." "Agent, S.H.I.E.L.D. is aware of the stand the Avengers have taken regarding Doctor Banner. We know about the toys. We're watching the reaction to the Battle of Manhattan posters featuring Doctor Banner and the Hulk that Captain Rogers is giving away and his scheduled appearance to close the exhibit at the Met. We know he's planning on using that to do PR work about the Hulk. We're monitoring the websites, the interviews in the news media. We've got eyes on Stark's film project on Doctor Banner."
Natasha arched an eyebrow.
Hill leaned forward. "I want to know why. Why are the Avengers doing all of this?"
"Doctor Banner is an asset," Natasha said, but she was doubtful that Hill would let such a pat answer go.
Hill's mouth tightened. "That's a smokescreen answer. Of course he's an asset, but he was only with the Avengers for a few days. Why this intense loyalty towards him?"
Hill didn't think she shared in it. She expected Agent Romanoff, employee of S.H.I.E.L.D., to unlock the secret for her.
She had done worse things in her life than trap a hunted man by using his own kindness against him. Still, what she witnessed had stayed with her. On the outskirts of a slum she had watched Banner turn his back to armed men in a vehicle and shelter the small urchin girl – the bait in Natasha's trap – and keep her from dashing out where she might have been run over.
He'd tried to playact that he'd followed the child for a fistful of rupees, but she'd studied his file. Aiding that child had never been about the money.
He'd come back to Manhattan to help them, when his instincts must have been screaming for him to run.
She remembered touching her forehead to his and brushing a kiss over his lips before he left the tower to become a fugitive once again.
Bruce Banner. And a promise she had made.
Natasha gave Hill a hard look. "You're forgetting something, Assistant Director Hill. I'm an Avenger. Banner is an Avenger. What you're asking me to report on is Avenger business. Take it up with Captain America. But don't expect me to spy on the Avengers for S.H.I.E.L.D."
Hill's expression hardened. "You're dismissed, Agent."
Natasha rose, nodded, and left the room.
Barton was here, facing down his demons. He didn't need her help; they were alike that way. She would give it to him anyway. She had the key to reaching him. She would share the memory of huddling in on herself after the Hulk had chased and hurt her. By telling him of the shock and fear that she'd felt, he would honor that confession by making his own to her. They would absolve each other of their sins.
x x x
She'd found Barton at the practice range, switching back and forth from a P-30 to her favorite, a Glock 26, to a M4A1 Carbine. He was finished now and looking over his scores. He'd never missed a target.
He'd been griping ever since he'd pulled off his headphones. "And then after that excruciating counseling session that bent the time-space continuum, because it went on like, forever, Fury kept me twiddling my thumbs, dragging me along everywhere he went. Kept asking my opinion on stuff that I don't have anything to do with. What the fuck do I care about updating the curriculum for new trainees. I mean, what the hell, Tasha?"
He turned in the weapons and they stepped into a long hallway. She blocked him from moving past her and punched him lightly on the shoulder.
"Of course Fury values your thoughts. You're a top S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. And he was sending a message. You know that," she said calmly.
Clint's demeanor changed and he dropped the indignant act. "Yeah. I know what Fury was doing. Judging by the looks I've gotten since I showed up here today, there's plenty of agents who'd cheer if I dropped off the edge of the helicarrier."
"Clint, it wasn't your fault."
"Right."
"Come with me." She nodded her head towards the exit.
"Funny. That's what my counselor said. I don't want to go for round two, Nat." Clint rubbed two fingers over his right eyebrow, and she knew he was tired.
She shrugged. "This isn't about you."
"It's about you?"
"The Hulk. I've made my peace with Bruce. But here is where the nightmares live. He said he was afraid I saw his face in my nightmares, and he's right. I want to lay that to rest." She kept her eyes on his, letting him in, letting him see her need, her... weakness.
"How can I help, Tasha?" Clint said quietly, acceptance in his eyes. Whatever she required, he would do it for her. Had done it for her.
"I want to go there again, with you," she answered, just as quietly. "Where Bruce and I were thrown during the explosion."
Clint said bitterly, "My explosion. I set the Hulk loose."
"Loki freed him." It was the truth.
"I helped." Clint didn't bother to keep the self-loathing out of his voice. He didn't have to pretend with her.
She gave him a sharp nod, because she wouldn't lie to him or sugarcoat the truth. That's how they worked, the two of them, brutal honesty and total acceptance. "Yes. You did. You weren't responsible for your actions, and Bruce wasn't responsible for changing."
"You really believe that?" Clint looked skeptical. "Cause I don't. Well, about me. I believe Bruce couldn't help it. Poor bastard. You know, Loki shared his plan to turn the Hulk loose with me. Banner fascinated him." Clint made air quotes and spoke in a fair imitation of Loki. "A beast that pretends he is a man.'"
"The helicarrier wasn't the first time I saw the Hulk. I was there at Culver, when Ross cornered him, and I saw the fight in Harlem. I knew when Coulson sent me after Banner what he was capable of becoming. Clint." She paused. "He frightened me."
"Does he still scare the pants off you, Nat? Cause it would be understandable."
"I'd like to say no. I'm not sure that would be true," she said wryly.
"Hulk or Bruce?"
"There is no difference, Clint."
"Bruce thinks there is."
She shook her head. "I keep the darkness in me hidden. So do you. For Bruce, his darkness is there for the world to see. He wants to distance himself from it. I understand that."
"The other guy. He always calls the Hulk the other guy," Clint said thoughtfully.
"I think he was torn while he was transforming. When I was trapped with him. " She shut her eyes, remembering. When she opened them, Clint was looking at her with understanding, with acceptance. "He told me to run, and his voice was barely human. His eyes. He regretted what was going to happen before he'd even done anything."
"What do you think he was regretting?"
"Feeling such resentment at me for shattering the illusion that he'd been free." She stepped a little closer to Clint. "He agreed to come, because Bruce is a good man. But he didn't like it. I told him Fury didn't want the monster, but he never believed me about that."
Clint laughed. "Like Bruce wouldn't figure out what that cage was all about."
Natasha took his hand and squeezed it. "So come with me. I need to retrace what happened with Bruce. Feel it again and deal with it. You know what brought me out of falling apart after Thor started fighting with the Hulk?"
Barton shook his head.
"You did. I went to find you and stop you. I wanted to save you."
He grinned at her. "Which you managed just fine." He rubbed the side of his head. "Very effective therapy you used, too. Just do me a favor?"
She tugged on his hand and he obediently fell into step beside her. Their hands separated when they exited the hallway.
"What favor?" she finally asked him, her mouth pushing up into a reluctant smile.
Clint beamed back at her. "Don't let my counselor in on the knocking me in the head therapy trick? 'Cause after dealing with me for a couple of hours, I think she'd have been okay with using it."
x x x
Things were quiet on the flight home from the helicarrier. Clint let Cap fly the Quinjet, occasionally giving him some instructions.
Clint had unburdened himself to her, after she had relived the terror she'd felt as the Hulk had attacked her. His huge body had been incredibly fast as he chased her through the helicarrier's corridors, dropping from floor to floor. Catching her and throwing her against a wall. Standing over her, the back of his hand raised to her. He had paused like that, and then Thor had waded into the fight and she had escaped. After watching the Hulk fight the Chitauri, she had been puzzled about why the Hulk had waited to hit her. Kill her. Why had he done that? He could have easily ended her life with the first blow, but instead he had only stunned her.
Her honesty had been rewarded by Clint's halting description of what it had felt like to have his mind taken over. To feel such commitment and loyalty and love towards the alien who would conquer Earth, when a very small part of his mind had been screaming the entire time over his imprisonment within his own body. How he had felt when he'd been freed, knowing everything he'd done. Killing other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. Giving Loki information that allowed him to take a man's eyeball from him. Recruiting former enemies to Loki's side. Crippling the helicarrier. How angry, how raped he'd felt.
He ended his recitation by wiping the tears off his face, and she sat next to him, and caught his hands in hers. They stayed that way, quiet, holding hands until Clint was ready to leave. They spent the remainder of the time waiting for Stark to finish his business with Fury by working out, flipping each other and practicing acrobatic moves. Once, they'd gone undercover as circus performers performing high wire and trapeze and tumbling acts. Sometimes they joked that if they ever left S.H.I.E.L.D. they could always go back under the big top.
She relaxed against the seat, and watched Stark, who was absorbed with his thoughts, working with his tablet, occasionally flipping through displays in the air.
He was truly a genius, and like Tesla, he had the ability to see complicated designs in his head, the minute details, to riffle through options and see the flaws, then redesign them. Natasha was in awe of his brain. She would never tell him that. Tony did not need people sending him messages that he was wanted, needed, because of how he could think. Or because of what he could give them.
It seemed that even his father had only valued him because of that genius. He had taken credit for it, calling Tony his greatest creation. She thought that Howard Stark had meant that in a good way. She doubted that Tony had felt very loved because of it, though. She wondered how many times Tony had heard his father speak of him that way, to others, expounding upon it when Howard was drunk.
She had been valued only for her skills, had never known what unconditional care felt like as a child. Or as an adult. Not until Clint had saved her.
No, Tony needed to be appreciated for his efforts in becoming a better human being. For his sense of humor, for how he wanted to be a good partner to Pepper. For his intentions and efforts on finding solutions for world problems, for his daring and courage. She would show him approval of course; he was her teammate. She would not do it in such a way to continue the damage to him that had started when he was a toddler.
She let herself close her eyes, staying in a light doze and considered asking Clint to have sex with her when they returned. They'd done it countless times before, mutual comfort only. She wasn't in love with him. He wasn't in love with her. She decided against it. Clint didn't need to be derailed from his attraction to Coulson. Maybe after Coulson and Clint had finished their courtship dance, she would explore whether comfort with Clint could continue without destroying what he was unwittingly building with Coulson.
Thoughtfully, she considered her other teammates as bed partners. Tony. No. A hundred times no, for a hundred reasons. Steve. No. He was too young, too sincere. She didn't want a permanent partner and he was lonely. She wouldn't want to tempt him into falling in love with her. She thought about the two missing Avengers. Thor was... lusty. But he was involved already with Jane Foster, although if she was Foster she would have cut her losses. He was a god. Incredibly long-lived and who knew if Thor would even return before Jane Foster had added decades to her life. If not for the tie to Foster, Thor would no doubt accept Natasha as an occasional sexual partner without seeing it as any more than favors between fellow warriors, if she laid it out that way to him.
And then there was Banner. She could test herself, see if she could lose the last of her fear of him, hold his wrists down on the bed as she fucked herself on his dick.
Would he let her? She didn't know. He avoided sex with people he cared about, but did that include her?
She licked her lips and thought about Bruce Banner, his dark curly hair and his expressive eyes. He wasn't a big man, smaller than Tony and Clint, although his shoulders were broad enough. Unless he transformed, she was stronger than he would be. She could control him. She could move him as she desired, tease him until he was on the edge of anger, and then take him apart. He would look beautiful when he came. She would kiss him hard, whisper to him that he was a good fuck. She'd pinch his nipples, watch him suck in his breath. She'd make him recite equations while she would bring them both to a second climax, listen to his numbers and words become meaningless babble. When she was finished playing with him she would run her hand through his curls and he would thank her.
He would stumble from her bed with his wrists red and bruised, his eyes sleepy and sated. Claimed. But only for that night, with no promises for the future.
It would be good for her, to take him like that. But after Bruce's mind cleared from the haze of sex, would what they had done leave him feeling more lost than before? He wasn't quite "us," not like Clint was, but he was within her circle of protection. She had promised to keep him safe. Taking him to bed might be safe for her, but not for him. Not stripping him down to bare bones.
Bruce was a tightrope walker, striving for balance with every step of his life. Natasha hadn't "persuaded" him to come to the helicarrier with her to find the tesseract. He had never believed that S.H.I.E.L.D. only cared about the scientist, not the monster. He had come anyway. He'd thought he could keep his balance.
On the helicarrier, Bruce had flinched and ducked away from agents with guns stationed at exits, and that was futile, really. The entire place was filled with agents. By now the habit was ingrained in him, though. What happened to Bruce after the gamma accident had left him scarred, even if his body didn't show it.
Natasha knew how he'd kept rope in upstairs rooms for a quick escape. She knew the things he'd done that he'd probably never envisioned as choices he would have to make in order to stay free. She wondered what he had thought of himself the first time he'd had to swallow some man's come in exchange for being smuggled out of an area Ross was monitoring.
Bruce had remade himself in order to survive. They had that in common.
She would seduce him the way she pictured, she decided, only if she told him first why she wanted him in her bed. He could choose to let her do to him all the things she fantasized about or he could give her that soft, wry smile and tell her no. If he said yes and then was unbalanced, then he would have been given fair warning.
Still this left her with no partner for the night; she didn't feel like seeking out any of her occasional lovers, so she would, like so much else in her life, take care of herself.
x x x
Author's note. On 4-11-14 I was hacked by cyber pirate-terrorists who encrypted my document files and demanded 500 dollars to ransom them. That's never going to happen. My backup was flawed, so while I have some of chapters 10-13 from an earlier draft on a thumb drive I will have to do a lot of re-writing, so the next chapters might be somewhat late in arriving. I really don't know right now. This wasn't the only story I lost.
Apologies to the readers.
Laurie