A/N: So I had some time to spare so you guys get another chapter today. I'm really curious to know what you think so far!
Chapter 7: That Heat
She starts seeing Doctor Hopper once a week and the AA meetings are thrice a week. For the last week she has gone by herself. Said she needed to do it on her own. I miss it, picking her up and walking home with her whether it's in silence or while she tells me everything she learned that day. She has a sponsor who's really good to her and I try not to pry too much, but on some level I don't like that he is spending more time with her than me. I don't even know the guy; all I know is that his name is Nathan. I see the changes though. Her energy is coming back, the warm smile is returning to her face. She looks less haunted.
It offers my soul some peace to know that there are people helping her now that not everything is up to me, dragging her home every night, always afraid something might happen to her, when she had drunken her senses away. Now she's constantly around people. It's good, but at the same time it makes me feel lonely. I used to be the only one she talks to, now it feels a little like those AA-folks are stealing her away. She had a long conversation with Leroy the other day, at that time where most had gone home and the diner almost done for the day. At that time she would usually sit down and talk with me, but not last night. I catch myself with these thoughts and feel guilty. I should be happy for her. I don't know when I started feeling so possessive; it's a whole new thought pattern, one I don't particularly like.
On the other hand now that Lacey is at a distance, the rest of the town is coming into focus. I start paying attention to the gossip, I saw Ashley once, briefly. Most of the talk is about Emma and her war with Regina. I keep thinking about Henry, when people talk about it. The poor kid is trapped between to mothers, who obviously hate each other. Henry has always been a strange kid, but he's sweet and he shouldn't be a victim of this. Of course I don't tell Emma that, when she's in here at night drinking and planning her next move. Henry really adores her, that much is obvious and he's had problems connecting with Regina. It's a lot of desperation. I feel like I've come to know desperation in the last weeks, so I do what I can to not get in the way or help with what I can. Mostly that means lying to Regina about seeing Emma and Henry together, but I'm happy to do that part. I can't forgive Regina for locking up Lacey, no matter the reason.
Tonight Lacey's at her twenty second AA meeting. I count them, even though I don't go with her anymore. She has gone for little over a month. It's been a hard month for her. I know she slipped one time during the first week, but I didn't have to go get her from the Rabbit Hole, so that's something. I just hope it lasts. I don't know if I can function otherwise.
"Ruby, you here? I want to show you somethin'!" Her voice comes from down the hall. I jump, startled at her voice. It takes a second to realize that it's early evening, not three o'clock at night and her voice isn't blurry.
I open my door and see her approaching with a huge smile on her face. She is holding something shiny in her hands.
"I did it, look! It's my AA-coin. One month sober" She puts it in my hand so I can see. I pull into my room to get better light. It's a little silver coin with a triangle on it and the words 'unity', 'service' and 'recovery' imprinted. I give it back to her.
"I'm so happy Lacey", I tell her and smile. Not only am I happy for her, but for myself too. I won't be missing the late nights of bringing her home, the worry… I won't be missing much anyway.
Lacey throws her arms around my neck in a tight hug. Her body is so warm against mine as I hug her back. I get the feeling of never wanting to let her go. This is so much better than having her half unconscious body hanging onto me. There's that heat again in my stomach. She lets me go, but not all the way. Her arms are still around my neck. My hands are resting at her waist; I don't really know what to do with them so I let them stay put.
"It's all thanks to you Ruby. Couldn't have done any of it without you." She's smiling at me; her whole face is lit up in a smile I haven't seen before. Of course I realize, I've probably only known her sober for a week or so after I met her. Maybe it's a sober-and-happy-about-it smile.
"You're welcome", I tell her. For a moment we stare into each other's faces. I somehow feel a little lightheaded in a way that I don't know what to do about, but I know it has to do with Lacey standing here with her arms around my neck, smiling.
"Lacey? Are you up there? Your shift's in ten minutes, you better be ready." Granny's voice cuts through the silence.
Lacey blinks a couple of times, and shakes her head lightly like she's stepping out of a trance. Her hands let go of my neck.
"Well, I should probably go. I bet your Granny will be happy to see this too."
"Er yeah, I bet." She chuckles and then she's out of the door. I feel like doing the blinking and shaking of the head myself. I fall back on my bed and stare into the ceiling. What am I supposed to do with this feeling? It reminds me of that night where one of Lacey's drinking buddies called me her girlfriend. Is Lacey feeling this too, or have I just lost a screw?
I can't remember the last time I was this happy. This whole Lacey-things with all it's aspects seems to be working out. She sober, she happy and I don't have to lose any more sleep over it. The sleep I'm losing over that heat I feel whenever she looks at me is a whole other story, but one accomplishment at a time. I almost sing hello when I enter the apartment.
"Hello to you too, Ruby, good mood today?" Granny says and appears from the living room.
"Well, you saw Lacey's coin."
"Yes I did. Did you get everything?"
"Yep", I say and put the bag of groceries down on the kitchen table. "Where is Lacey?"
"She's out. Went to the Rabbit Hole to-"
"She did what?" My world stops for a second. She just showed me the coin and not she's back there. I'm out of the door again before I hear the rest of Granny's sentence.
The wolf is howling, growing bigger and more furious with every step.
I barge into The Rabbit Hole.
"Lacey! Where are you?" The rage in my stomach is making my blood boil. I can't believe she would throw it all away. After all that hard work. She was so proud when she showed me that AA sober-coin this afternoon.
"I'm up here Ruby!" She calls from the bar. I march up there.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? If you think I'm gonna let you throw away all that work just so you can drink your brains out again, then you better-"
"I'm not drinkin' Ruby", she says calmly. Her clean, sober voice makes me stop dead and relief wash over me.
"You're not?"
She chuckles. "No. I was just showin' Martin my AA-coin." She steps over to me and puts an arm around my waist. "Martin, have you met my girl?" Her words jolt through me. I look at Lacey when she says this and she just smiles.
"Yes I have. Hello beautiful."
I smile. "Hello Martin."
Lacey puts her head against my shoulder and her finger brushes against the fabric of my shirt, which makes me smile even more. "She saves me, all the time", Lacey says. "Well, you just saw."
"Yeah she's got quite the temper there, your girl", Martin says with a smile. "It's really great Lacey. Although the guys are gonna miss you here."
"Tell them I'm sorry. I probably can't visit in a while, too much temptation."
"It's all right."
"Thanks." She turns her head and looks up at me. "Shouldn't we go home? I promise to take your morning shift. As a small thank you."
"Sure. But you don't have to. Bye Martin."
"I want to. Good bye Martin."
"Bye, girls."
We walk out into the chilly spring breeze. It's as dark as it gets at this time of year, dark enough that the edges of the world are invisible but the things up close are alight, like Lacey's thick curls and her pretty, blue eyes that are now gazing at me. She has a smile on her face.
"I like that you came bargin' in like that. It was sweet."
"I'm sorry I thought you were drinking again."
"Oh, don't worry about it. I've been so drunk so many times, you're hardly to blame for thinkin' it happened again."
I say nothing for a minute, building up the courage to ask the next question. I'm afraid of the answer in more than one way.
"Lacey, you called me 'your girl'…"
"Yes?"
"What did you mean exactly, by that?" She stops, forcing me to stop, then turns towards me, smiling that little smile.
"I just think of you like that. Because you're for me. You have helped me so much, findin' myself, savin' me. You're so good and sweet. And you really are beautiful." She smiles again. "I really like you Ruby."
There's a feeling between us now that's making me lose air. Her hand is touching my waist, resting by my hip and she's looking at me with those eyes. Her words make me smile and the heat is there again, stronger than ever. I can't breathe.
"I really like you too", I whisper with what air I have left and my hand find hers. She chuckles as she looks down at our hands. Then she looks up again, leans into my face and she kisses me. With her fingers still entwined in mine she kisses me, sweet and slow and it feels so good. That's when the panic kicks in and I stop breathing.
I break the kiss.
"I'm sorry", I whisper, barely audible.
"What's wrong?" She asks.
"I don't… I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this."
"Oh", she says. Simple, but the sound is heartbreaking. "I thought…"
"I don't know, I… I don't know."
She lets go of my hand and avoids my eyes. "I'll walk home then. I'll see you tomorrow at work." She leaves. I stand there for a bit looking at my hands. I can still feel the warmth of her fingers in my right hand. Tears are pressing to my eyes and I'm left with a sense that the heat in my gut has died and turned to ice.
I look up and see that the street is empty. I start walking.
Lacey's 'oh' echoes in my head all the way home. I can't believe myself. The heat makes it obvious. My thoughts for the past months make it obvious. The way I could catch myself staring at her sweeping floors or the way she talked to customers. I wanted to throw David out for smiling at her a month ago, even though I know he's with Mary Margaret. The way her hands feel, or the way her body pressed against me every time I dragged her home from The Rabbit Hole. Thinking of this almost makes me miss it when she drank, because I would feel her body like that every night. I could sleep beside her and watch her face as she fell asleep. The way we can talk for hours and completely forget that the rest of the world exists. The feeling I had just this afternoon, the sense of heat that never quite left. The way she kissed me and how it took away every last gasp of breath in me.
I have feelings for her. I know that.
But I'm scared. I've lived my whole life in this small god forsaken town. How was I supposed to be prepared for this sort of thing? What would Granny say? I can't point to exactly what I'm afraid of, but I started panicking the second her lips touched mine. I think about her lips. Soft and warm, moving in a way that makes me longing to feel what else she can do, even though it scares the living shit out of me.
I'm terrified, but even so I find myself standing I front of her door down the hall from our own apartment instead of in my own bedroom. In the end the heat wins the battle against my terrors.
I stand there for a second. Then I knock.
She opens the door a few moments after with a tired expression. No, not tired, hurt.
"What is it Ruby?" She doesn't sound mad, just fragile.
"I, um…" I give up with the speech. Instead I step in close to her and kiss her. I put one hand on each side of her face, holding her to me, wowing my fingers into her curls. Her hand is at my waist again, pulling me close and I hear the door shutting. I can feel her smile right before she opens her mouth and the heat fires back up again. She pulls me further into the room without ever leaving my lips, and turns us around to push me onto the bed. I crawl backwards and lie down before pulling her to me again by the neck. I feel her weight on me, pushing me down. She breaks the kiss and we pant into each other's faces. Her eyes wander from mine and downwards. I feel her warm fingers at my stomach buttoning up my shirt. She moves upwards and at the last button my breath hitches.
"I'm scared", I whisper.
"Don't be", she whispers back. "Just say so if you want me to stop." She softly brushes the hair out of my face and caresses me. She kisses me again and her hand moves down my face and neck slowly, brushes against my collarbone and shoulder until it reaches my bra strap. Slowly she pulls it down and kisses the line where it was just before. She moves down, kissing the naked skin of my stomach.
I never say so. The night continues in a blur of kisses and touching of skin, clothes thrown aside. The heat in my gut spreads to my entire body and melts away the terror until it's just a tiny ball of ice in the back of my mind. I'm staring at the ceiling when the pit of my stomach, where the rage used to be, turns into an erupting volcano.
I wake up to the sound of knocking on the door.
"Ruby! Lacey! The diner opens in ten minutes and one of you has better be down there by then!"
I'm instantly terrified. What if she knows?
"Well, that's my cue", Lacey says and gets up from her position beside me, where her head was resting against my shoulder. I realize again that she's naked and heat rises directly to my face this time. Lacey chuckles.
"Good morning beautiful", she says and kisses me. Just a soft small one, like that of a habit. It makes me smile, but then I remember that my grandmother is right on the other side of the door. "What is it?"
"Do you think she knows?" I whisper anxiously.
"No, we have slept in the same room a lot of times. It's no different to her." I nod hesitantly and try to take a bit of comfort in that.
Lacey is up and dressed in a matter of minutes.
"Please don't tell her?" I whisper. Lacey bows down over the bed and look at me closely like something dawns her.
"Are you ashamed?"
"No! God no, that's not… It's just I want to be the one to tell her, but I'm not sure she'll understand…"
She smiles. "I won't say a word." Then she's out of the door so quickly Granny never gets a chance to look inside.
"Good morning", I hear Lacey say on the other side of the door. "Ready to work. Ruby's asleep, I'll cover for her. Late night."
"Uh-huh." A short silence. "And you are sober?"
"I'm sober. No worries."
"Good."
They leave. I start breathing again.
I stay in Lacey's room for the most of the morning. I stare into the ceiling like I did last night and I recall everything that happened. The heat has reached new levels and it's blazing up at the mere thought of the way she touched me. I'm not sure I can believe what has just happened.
At twelve o'clock I still haven't grasped it, but I have to get ready for my shift. I'm replacing Lacey in half an hour. I get up, get dressed and go back to my room to change all over again.
I'm not prepared for the feelings that wash over me when I see her.
She looks right up at me when I walk in and smiles a teasing smile. That teasing kind of 'I've seen you naked' smile, and I might have stopped breathing at one point. It takes a lot not to just walk over there and kiss her right now, but Granny is standing right there and half of Storybrooke is in for lunch. Instead I smile back, try to hide the fact than I'm blushing and get a hold of myself, before facing Granny and the rest of the diner.
Lacey walks over to the counter and takes off the apron. It only makes me think of her undressing last night.
"Hey", she says in a soft voice. "Sleep well?" God, she's killing me.
"Yeah", I say. She hands me the apron.
"See you later", she says and leaves the diner. It takes me a few second to get the ridiculous smile of my face and get on with it.
One of the other girls, Granny has working for her gives me a look, but seems to shake it off. I hope the rest of them won't gossip too much.
There is no focusing today. None at all. As soon as my shift ends I'm up the stairs knocking on Lacey's door. She opens immediately and for a moment we just stand there. I walk in and close the door behind me. Then she's on my lips and her hands at my waist. The force of it pushes me against the door. I have no thoughts left in my head, it's all wiped clean. I twist my fingers into her hair like once before to pull her closer, to deepen the kiss. I have no idea how long before she breaks away from my lips, time has lost all meaning to me.
"I've been wantin' to do that all day", she whispers against my face.
"Me too."
I kiss her again. Our hands switch places so that mine are around her and her hands move into my hair, pulling gently at it. It's maddening. I can't remember ever kissing anyone quite like this.
"Ruby, I'm starting dinner!" Granny yells from somewhere on the other side of the door. I jerk back into reality at the sound, utterly horrified at just how close she sounds. "Ask Lacey if she wants to join and let me know!"
"Oh my god", I whisper. Lacey just giggles. "Look can we please not tell her just yet? I need time to… figure out what to say."
"Sure", she says. "It's okay. So do you want me to join?"
"Wouldn't it be too risky just today?" I ask. I can't imagine sitting across from Lacey in the same room as Granny without giving everything away in like two seconds.
"I guess it would. Just tell her I'm meeting my sponsor. I might do that anyway."
"Okay." She takes my bottom lip between hers and I can't take it. Yet if I stay any longer I don't think I'll ever get out of this room.
"I have to go", I say. My voice sounds breathless. I start fumbling after the doorknob. It was right by my hand some time ago.
"Wait, you have to do something about the hair. It's a little messy. Sorry about that."
"Oh never be sorry about that", I say, laughing while pulling my hair into a knot.
"Are you coming over tonight?" She asks, while sliding her hands down my waist and hips.
"You bet." I kiss her one more time before leaving. The air is cooler in the hallway and I pray that's enough to conceal the immense amount of heat bobbling inside me.